can women be molded?

[mofro]

I'm in a ltr thats recently become long distance. She's a very emotional girl, very attractive and she *may* be exhibiting a little of the old 'I'm hot, do what I want or I'll make you feel guilty" syndrome. She's a great person, but just needs to be reminded that I love her more often than I feel like saying it. She's actually told me that it makes her feel better every time I say it and that if I just say it more often she'll be satisfied. Well, I can't bring myself to do it, I feel like a robot.

If I stand my ground will she get used to it, or is it just going to upset her to no end? We've discussed the issue to no end, she's not going to be convinced through any of the following arguments
-I'm a guy, we're just less emotional and expressive. But I've grown more so since I met you (true, I used to not even say i love you to my family)
-I think about her all the time (also true) so knowing that should be enough of a reminder for you.
-if I say it too often, it'll loose its meaning (it did, I used to say it whenever she did)
-that i don't miss her as much because i try to put our separation out of mind to avoid depression, which runs in my family and has struck me in the past (years ago)

What's your take on the situation? No I don't want to play her, I'm done with that I've found someone who I like and respect enough to marry, if the time comes. I have not lied once to her, not even a white lie, and this is the first truth that she doesn't seem capable of handling. How can I help her?

 

[Dilberto]

Don't be fooled by her looks. She has major insecurities that can make her burdensome....to any man. Remember this; you can never change people, places, or things. The only thing you can change.......is yourself, really. Just be glad of that. Because it's NOT your burden to "mold" this girl into your ideal mate. She must initiate the "molding" herself. At this point- I highly doubt she can do that. Take advantage of your dilemma and slowly look-around for more local, "self-confident" GFs. You'll see what I mean. This girl will eventually drain you of all your future potential. Is that really what you want to marry? Is her sign Cancer? Those are very emotional, self-pitying people....

 

[Raikojo17]

I'm in a ltr thats recently become long distance. She's a very emotional girl, very attractive and she *may* be exhibiting a little of the old 'I'm hot, do what I want or I'll make you feel guilty" syndrome. She's a great person, but just needs to be reminded that I love her more often than I feel like saying it. She's actually told me that it makes her feel better every time I say it and that if I just say it more often she'll be satisfied. Well, I can't bring myself to do it, I feel like a robot.

If I stand my ground will she get used to it, or is it just going to upset her to no end? We've discussed the issue to no end, she's not going to be convinced through any of the following arguments
-I'm a guy, we're just less emotional and expressive. But I've grown more so since I met you (true, I used to not even say i love you to my family)
-I think about her all the time (also true) so knowing that should be enough of a reminder for you.
-if I say it too often, it'll loose its meaning (it did, I used to say it whenever she did)
-that i don't miss her as much because i try to put our separation out of mind to avoid depression, which runs in my family and has struck me in the past (years ago)

What's your take on the situation? No I don't want to play her, I'm done with that I've found someone who I like and respect enough to marry, if the time comes. I have not lied once to her, not even a white lie, and this is the first truth that she doesn't seem capable of handling. How can I help her?

yes, i no what you mean. my gf can be like this too and i love her also.
but in general alot of women are like this. they like being told annd reassured that you love them so they dont feel like they are worthless or being used. most girls are insecure and it's kinda a confidence thing they all have. maybe shes been used in the past, she might have some sort of self esteem issue, you dont know what her problem is. these things dont make her a bad gf, everyone has their flaws. so dont disqualify her yet.

you know you love her and she knows it. you do things that remind her of that fact. you dont have to tell her all the time, because after a while it just becomes repetitive. only say it after she says it from now on (atleast thats how i do it) and dont say it back everytime. women always say they just like to hear you say it, but that doesnt mean saying it all the time. use your actions, not your words.

she will eventually get the hint. you cant mold her, but you can help build her confidence a bit. it's not your responsibility to help her fight her own demons, she has to do that mostly herself. but you can be there for her, if you really love her.

 

[mofro]

Thanks guys. Like I said, she's a keeper unless she keeps this up. I really don't think its her looks that are keeping me attached, she's a really good person AFAIK (vegetarian for the animals...really good with kids, publicly denounces things she disagrees with, etc) with a spine and I really respect her a lot I believe her insecurities come from her background. She's REALLY close to her family, her siblings lived at home through late twenties and even after they moved out, they still come over for dinner and to hang out all the time. My gf is in her early 20s btw, in college an hour from home. We dated over the summer months and its long distance until our senior years are over (next spring). Anyways, she's one of those people who prefers a few close friends to a million casual ones, and part of being that way means you're in constant communication with your friends. I, otoh, talk to my folks twice a month, and have a few friends I see everyday in class but thats about it. During the summer me and her spent a lot of time together because
-we were in the infatuation stage (I tried to explain this to no avail)
-she's about the only person I knew
-we do get along really well

I don't even know if its even insecurity. It could be
-that she's concerned about why I'm no longer paying as much attention to her. We were infatuated all through the summer, and I think she still is while I am not.
-that she's completely normal and I just don't realize this. She's my first romantic interest so I have no point of comparison.
-that she actually doesn't want to hear it as often as she says.

Anyways its pretty confusing to me and I wish girls were less emotional. But she seems worth it despite this so I'm gonna persevere. Don't tell me people can't change, the entire point of this website is to reform people.

 

[KontrollerX]

"Anyways its pretty confusing to me and I wish girls were less emotional. But she seems worth it despite this so I'm gonna persevere. Don't tell me people can't change, the entire point of this website is to reform people."

Yes, people can change but only if they want to change.

And the entire point of this website isn't about reforming people its about self improvement.

For example the guys that come here asking how to break out of the friendzone with some chick get the advice but they don't reform the girl they reform themselves and if she is not too psychologically stuck on who that guy was to her before she will see the change and see him as a new potentially viable boyfriend or fvck buddy depending on whats she's in the market for.

I think it was Anti Dump that said you buy a relationship not build one and that means before you even seriously get involved with some chick you should see if she has most of the qualities that would make you happy as well she should already be interested in you. You shouldn't have to work to make her the person you'd like her to be or have to work too much at raising her interest level as she will already be that person and already be interested in you if you've selected well.

It seems from your post this girl has most of the qualities you are looking for save for this annoying trait needing to be told you love her all the time.

If she is selfish there is no amount of reasoning or talk of compromise that you can do that will work and assure her that you love her and don't need to say it ten thousand times a day. If she is selfish even if you have a serious talk with her about this reiterating your point more strongly that you love her and don't need to say it all the time she'll act ok with you not saying it as much but she will begin to secretly resent you and look for someone behind your back. An AFC who will go above and beyond the call of duty with that love talk and feed her selfishness and take her away from you until he too gets tired of saying it all the time and then it will be on to the next man.

If she's not selfish though and really is a woman with a heart of gold but just this one fault talk to her once seriously about it and if everything is all good from there on out congratulations you found a good one.

If however she eventually starts begging for this again or acting distant or disrespectful to you over time cut her loose as its only a matter of time before she finds an AFC who will give her what you won't.

 

[Dilberto]

well-said....my man!

 

[mofro]

VERY well said. You took the words out of my mouth. Yes, I will see if we can work this out between us, and if not I'll do what needs to be done.

 

[Lexie]

I don't see this as an issue of "molding" her. People need love/affection in different ways, and hers seems to be through verbal affirmation. This isn't a matter of her being selfish. The fact is, if you can't or are unwilling to satisfy her emotionally in this way she'll find someone who will.

How small of a thing is it to throw in a few more "I love you"s if you really do? No one ever said relationships were supposed to be easy, especially long distance. If this makes her feel better, and you truly love her, what's the problem?

 

[Last Man Standing]

Yeah man, she wants you to say it like a million times so that when she dumps your ass - she wants to hear your heart crack, and your jaw fall to the floor...all the while you are turning red and balling up his fist while walking slowly towards her!!!