Can one recover from AFC?

[Picstr]

Hey Gentlemen, Just recently back in the game and minutes after finding this site I found I'm a hardcore AFC. I just tried to explain my current situation in a previous post but found it would be easier to just write a book.
Short and sweet, I'm 45 and met a chick that I unfortunately like alot more than she likes me thus she is the controlling party and I am not.
I have some issues due to my previous relationships, trust being the main one. Not really ready to ditch her because I'm not calling the shots, so how would I go about turning this thing around? Or is it impossible at this point? There is so much more that I could add for context, but for the sake of brevity.........
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[romangod]

Short and sweet, I'm 45 and met a chick that I unfortunately like alot more than she likes me thus she is the controlling party and I am not.

Not really ready to ditch her because I'm not calling the shots, so how would I go about turning this thing around?

Or is it impossible at this point?

It's impossible at this point.


Cheers!

 

[Picstr]

Really? So could someone break this down for me a bit? I've been out of it for a very long time and I'm not happy with my "game".
Once AFC always AFC? I mean we've talked everyday for the past 3 weeks and went out twice and I'm already screwed? Damn.
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[romangod]

Really? So could someone break this down for me a bit? I've been out of it for a very long time and I'm not happy with my "game".
Once AFC always AFC? I mean we've talked everyday for the past 3 weeks and went out twice and I'm already screwed? Damn.
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It's not something that can be easily broken down. Your whole mindset is tuned to AFC thinking. She's already got you where she wants you and she knows it. It's just a matter of time until the whip comes down and she has you spinning more than you are now.

You're talking to her every day but have only been out twice? :nono: Too much talk and not enough action.

In a nutshell, you've got to get her to like you more than you like her. A good start would be to try and not be so available for a "talk". I'd suggest a few days without contact and see how she reacts to it. Try keeping her off balance and you have a better chance. You're not a challenge.


Cheers!

 

[Picstr]

Went out last night and talked with buddies, decided no phone calls till tuesday and she's got to make the call. One problem here is I'm not real sure what I'll say when she may ask why I have'nt picked up the phone, I'm not a real good liar but am willing to learn, I just don't know what I'd say.
Thanks romangod this might be the beginning of me getting at least one hand on the wheel.
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[zekko]

met a chick that I unfortunately like alot more than she likes me thus she is the controlling party and I am not.

Unfortunately, this means basically that you are screwed.

I know around here, the standard answer seems to be "forget it, it cannot possible work out". But a guy not being the controlling party is not a recipe for success that I'm aware of.
I won't say give up, because you never know what will happen. Romangod's advice seems good, and read the DJ Bible. Act like a man, and not a whipped dog.

 

[jophil28]

... I'm 45 and met a chick that I unfortunately like alot more than she likes me thus she is the controlling party and I am not.

You know why she is the "controlling party " ?
One reason only - YOU gave her that position by NOT claiming it for yourself..
THe transfer of power does NOT automatically accrue to the party who wants or needs the other least. Control and power is dynamic and women frequently gain power by default, the man defaults.
Power many times falls to one party because the other party refuses to ACT. In this case, you have not lead her to where you want her to be (and perhaps where she wants to be too)
Two dates in three weeks ? Why so passive ?
What are you waiting for. Unmistakeable signs of interest from her ?
Some women send signals of interest like missiles. Others warm to you as you warm them up.

Read Guru 1000 on this forum . To paraphrase, "A man must initiate EVERYTHING until he has slept with her several times."

Perhaps a little more detail or context will help us offer you the best advice.

 

[Picstr]

Damn you guys are good.
The context I'm about to give will cause replies of NEXT!
This chick has tons of baggage, more than one could imagine.
She lives an an hour and a half away but works in Orlando 3 to 4 times aweek.
I've been on vacation this week and made the mistake of drinking to much while on the phone.
As an admitted AFC I've told her way more than I should have,see above.
Lets just say she knows I'm needy but she said she likes it when I'm honest with her.
The 2 dates we have been on have resulted in very passionate kissing that should have led to my bed but she doesn't have time, with one kid still in school.

After reading virtually all of the Mature Man forum I know the replies I'm going to get but after such a long separation from the game I'm a little bit lost.

Oh, and icing on the cake? Oneitus.

What I want is to somehow turn this into my advantage, some will say impossible and I get that, but I at least need to get the point where I can end this and not get destroyed, I'm so tired of being hurt.
The good thing is now I know why I'm being hurt, I suppose I'll use this thread to document if any strats work or not for the benefit of other AFC's. Give them hope that maybe it is possible to MAN-UP and take controll.

So right now I'm going to a no call no answer game plan and just see what happens. Thanks for the help Gents even though the replies will be I imagine a bit harsh.

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[romangod]

One problem here is I'm not real sure what I'll say when she may ask why I have'nt picked up the phone, I'm not a real good liar but am willing to learn, I just don't know what I'd say.

Thanks romangod this might be the beginning of me getting at least one hand on the wheel.

You don't have to lie. Just tell her you've been really busy which wouldn't be a lie. You were busy trying to get things back on better terms and protecting yourself.

Put the ball in her court, for now. See how it goes from there.

Cheers!

P.S. You're welcome.

 

[romangod]

What I want is to somehow turn this into my advantage, some will say impossible and I get that, but I at least need to get the point where I can end this and not get destroyed, I'm so tired of being hurt.

You will only get destroyed if you allow yourself that luxury. Deep down it's not really about the girl. She's just the personification of work you need to do on yourself.

Good luck.


Cheers!

 

[Picstr]

You were busy trying to get things back on better terms and protecting yourself

OK but from what I've learned in the past 12 hours would'nt this be considered a bit on the touchy/feely/needy side? Trust me when I say I've done far to much of that already. Thanks man.
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[romangod]

OK but from what I've learned in the past 12 hours would'nt this be considered a bit on the touchy/feely/needy side? Trust me when I say I've done far to much of that already. Thanks man.
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Well, it seems like you wanted to keep playing with fire and wanted to know how to do it. Everything you've done up until now has been on the "touchy/feely/needy side". The only way that'll change is by having the balls to say....................


"Next!"

You can't have it both ways.

Cheers!

 

[Picstr]

I'd suggest a few days without contact and see how she reacts to it. Try keeping her off balance and you have a better chance. You're not a challenge.

This.

One of 2 things should happen.
She'll prod me on why I did'nt call or pick up. A good sign.
She wont. A sign that will move me a bit closer to NEXT.

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[Picstr]

Danger, you are absolutely correct as has been romangod.......well everyone that has replied, I thought I was ready for this after such a long layoff.
Three weeks ago I was relaxed, funny, confident and ready to take on the world. I know for a fact there's gobs of attraction between us but her baggage prevents anything from developing. Had I not been on vacation with all this time to think and drink I would'nt be going thru this right now.
If I could at least stop with the AFC Beta crap I know I'd be able to hit it pretty soon, and I'd hate to NEXT her before this and regret for the rest of my life. If I absolutely have to NEXT her I at least I could say I hit it.
But I also realize if I do this I run the risk of opening up the rabbit hole abyss that would ruin me mentally, although I'm pretty screwed right now.
Thanks for the help fellas.
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[MrLuvr]

The only way you will stop becoming AFC is when you stop caring. And the only way you will stop caring is when you have more options.

Why are you so hung up on this one chick anyway? You don't owe her anything, you are not in a relationship, you have only been out a couple of times.

Keep her in the rotation if you want, but start opening other doors. This is not the only girl in the world that is ever going to like you ever again.

Stop being so hung up on her and stop acting so needy.

 

[jophil28]

Your mindset is 'reactive'.
We have all been in that pit at one time or another. Betas LIVE there as do 99% of women.
A reactive male will habitually scan and scrutinise HER actions before he makes a move. HE watches for tiny signs of IL from her as 'permission' to approach or initiate or ask her out.
THis the "nice guy" SOP. He believes that he is being polite and respectful in not being "pushy".

Does that sound like anyone you know ?

 

[Picstr]

Your mindset is 'reactive'.

jophil28, you can read me like a book.
So that would mean this chick probably had me pegged after our first lengthy phone call, heh?

If she smiles at me I'm happy.

If she calls me I think she cares.

Reactive.

Is it to late/impossible to try a no comm for as long as possible in order to reset? I'll probably try this and see what happens.

Truth be told she's too attractive for me to feel comfortable in my own skin around, so even if it worked short term the jealousy issues would always be there. Funny I always thought makin out with a hot chick would raise self esteem.

There are way to many red flags with all her baggage and I knew this early on, but I can't ditch her I'm too close to hittin it, and its been too long since I hit anything.
Sorry Gents but it looks like I'll be on meds after this one ends.
Don't worry I'll be back to recieve my I told ya so's in a week or so.
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[The Asian Lover]

Have you even considered searching for other women?

Don't use your lack of game as an excuse. I had no game 4 years ago and I had to crawl, I had to endure pain and rejection, I had to learn the game the hard way. I did it.

If you won't even try, you deserve all the heartache that's coming your way.

 

[steve38]

Have you even considered searching for other women?

Don't use your lack of game as an excuse. I had no game 4 years ago and I had to crawl, I had to endure pain and rejection, I had to learn the game the hard way. I did it.

If you won't even try, you deserve all the heartache that's coming your way.

Unfortunately all this is true. You have framed the relationship in a certain way and trying to reframe it at this point is a losing battle. I have "Tamed the Shrew" as i called it and it certainly was not worth the effort and hardship. I survived and you will too. And don't forget that you are the prize. Good luck.

 

[jophil28]

Unfortunately all this is true. You have framed the relationship in a certain way and trying to reframe it at this point is a losing battle.

This is especially true if you have not fukked her yet.
Your chances here of re-framing are very slim.
SHe owns the frame to date and you have not dominated her with sex.
Your power position is weak.

Continue if you must BUT know that a successful outcome is at best about 5%.
The only tip I can offer is to do something spectacularly 'Alpha' to shatter her ownership of the frame. It is a long shot.

Live and learn. Grasp the frame from the get go next time.