Can married AFCs recover and keep the marriage intact?

[goodonpaper]

I discovered this site about a year ago – many, many great threads and posts. Had this resource been around 20 years ago, it would have made a huge difference in my life. I’ve read most of the DJ Bible articles and am even compiling many of them for my sons for when they are old enough.

Growing up, I was a classic 1980’s “nerd” – I now have a PhD and am a university professor – with some athletic talent thrown in. While I had friends, attracting girls was exceptionally difficult. I came into my own for awhile in college, but the social life went in the tank after moving on to grad school. In a year’s time, only one girl showed any attraction toward me. We have now been married for over 10 years and have young children. We have what appears on the surface to be a “good” marriage. She’s totally in love with me and very dedicated to our family, but never having had that in-love spark myself, I feel that I sold myself short. Knowing that I panicked and didn’t give myself a chance to really find out what I wanted and learn more about women continually eats at me. I must recover from my AFC state but am torn about whether it’s worth breaking up the marriage.

I’ve noticed that posts tend to be from people who are . . .

1. single (understandably)
2. divorced from very bad marriages (also understandably)
3. in what seem to be “hot” marriages or LTRs and perhaps were never AFCs

Has anyone attempted AFC recovery while in a marriage? If so, can it be kept intact (if it’s worth doing that)?

I’ve never picked up (or even gotten a phone number from) a woman at a party or a bar/club (yet I managed to get a PhD) – if I was single or divorced, one of my motivations would be to correct that. However, that sort of thing is problematic if one wants to stay in a marriage. For those that have gone through this while in a marriage, what motivates you to keep at the recovery process?

 

[Le Parisien]

I can imagine what you are going through.

I'm sorry that my lack of similar experience doesn't allow me to come up with any useful ideas. But you do have my full support whatever your final decision will be.

Just out of curiosity, do you mind telling us in which field/major you had your Ph.D and in which field you are teaching now?

 

[grinder]

So you married the one girl attracted to you during "that time period" in grad school. You now have young children and she loves you but you never had that "in-love" spark.

I DO have this experience and may I paraphrase?

1) I settled for her, nothing else better around, I'm doing what I am supposed to, ie, settle down and have kids.

2) I'm not so sure it was the best I could do, but, hey, I'm now an upstanding citizen with kids, the "American Dream".

3) The "American Dream" is stupid, does not feel right, something is wrong.

4) I have noticed other women, they are nice, yes, much nicer than my wife.

5) I can't possibly even think of "fooling around" on my kind, devoted wife. It would crush her. I would feel so guilty.

6) Divorce is impossible: It's expensive, the kids will be traumatized, we will hate each other.....

7) I am in prison. Please help me.

Sucks.

May I make some predictions?

If you are at this site then your mind has been opened. You are not a bad man and you are now conscious of other potentialities.

You may not go back through the door of AFC stupidity. It is too late.

It may take one year, maybe 5 but you will become increasingly dissatisfied with your life. You will share your knowlege and feelings with your wife. To your complete surprise, she assents, "understands". It now gets even harder.

Fast-forward:

SOONER OR LATER, YOU MUST MAKE A DECISION.

No matter what you decide, it will hurt you, her, and the kids.

Although you have been trained to think of others, as long as your kids are OK, then you must choose YOURSELF first.

 

[Le Parisien]

As an intellectual I hope you fully and utterly consider what you are going to do before you embark on a course. It may just be that the "spark" you seek is nonexistant and merely an illusion--with any woman you find it'll only last temporarily until you (most likely) find yourself in your current situation again. The spark, love...the heated feelings...they all fade away and all that tends to remain is compassion and tenderness. You may not have gotten some in your younger days but currently you seem to be in possession of the great combination any decent man would want out of life...proffesional achievement and a family that loves you.

I think you completely missed the point.

Life is a journey, the whole course you took is just as important if not more important than where you are at right now.

Just hypothetically , between being a "happily married" late 30 something man who didn't experience all the "pleasures" during his younger years and settled down because there were no other options; and being a "happily married" late 30 something man who experienced all the "pleasures" (especially all the hot babes, blonde, brunette, tall, short, skinny, curvacious for LTR, ONS, flings etc...) and who settled down by choice. What would you choose???
I'm sure you understand when people say "I missed out".

So please stop the politically correct bullsh*t!:nono:

However, I do agree that breaking all this and trying to relive what was "missed out" might end up getting you into even worse situations: like having lost your wife, your kids, and finally discovering that you actually can't get anything better, and you come back to your ex-wife, only to have her turning you down.

Even we "younger" crowd also have this problem to a lesser degree. No one wants to settle down only after one or two girls, as great as they might be. Because we would always be wondering how the others are like, how the "world" is like, we want experience, we want to live the life. Although a few years later, we might realize that our first girl, or seoncd was actually a great girl, the best catch. Now we are happily willing to settle down with a person that we didn't want to settle with a few years earlier, only this time she has already moved on. So was it a mistake to leave her?
I think this is exactly what life is about, experiences...

 

[blueguy]

Are you passionate about your own life? Or are you just "floating along." You seem dulled about it. You did miss out on other experiences with girls, but do you think you can experience them now at your age? All relationships lose their spark. If you break it off and start dating again, you do realize that your next relationship will lose its spark after a few years as well. There's no problem with moving out to experience more, but you have to ask yourself if that's what you want. Maybe you feel trapped about the spark and lost control in your own life too? Maybe your wife does too? Is she dull to you now too? These things matter. If both of you head on completely new and exciting destinations together... it can reignite everything. The surest way to get your wife to follow is to head on your own (improved physical appearance, passionate career/hobby/friends/etc) enough so that she will fear losing you - despite a marriage - and begin to change herself.

 

[Bible_Belt]

fwiw, if you need any reinforcement that traditional romance does not work to save a marriage, A&E has a reality tv show about John Force, who is a famous drag racer. He's in his late 40's and has three daughters who race. He has won the funny car championship something like twelve times in a row. The last episode showed him trying to win back the love of his estranged wife. He did every single thing wrong, "can I take you on a date?", limousine, flowers, gourmet meal, ... and the dude didn't even get sex from his own wife. She has moved out, and has obviously got another guy, judging from the way she treats him.

 

[ElChoclo]

Goodonpaper, you will find divorce to be quite unpleasant. You have made your errors already, but do not be so ready to be called to account for them. You are obviously an analytical type, if your story is correct, so use your noodle on this one.

Just what is that spark which you seek to find? Theoretically, you could do anything with your wife which you could do with another. You have one advantage, you now perceive your AFC status and that is the first step toward change.

I suggest you attempt to try out whatever sexual fantasies which you may be harbouring, with your spouse first. She will probably assume that the change of attitude means you are cheating on her, but its a risk which you have to take.

Make a list of the things which you would like to try with another woman, then try them with your wife. I have not advised you to get rid of your wife because, according to your own perception she is loving towards you, so that has to be worth something. Too little value is placed on this by some.

 

[Phyzzle]

The driving factor in a happy, healthy relationship is the stregth of the WOMAN'S interest, not the man's.

If she treats you like GOLD, and she's not fat or ugly, you already have more than most men.

Compatability, liking the same music, being soul-mates, butterflies in the stomach, all that crap is irrelevant.

I think you have this idea that there is ONE special person out there who will make your heart flutter. There isn't.

To answer your question, Don Juan principles, like being a leader, being a challenge, and being blatantly obvious about your sexuality, still apply after marriage.

Let me make a wild guess: wife's gained a little weight?

 

[Le Parisien]

The driving factor in a happy, healthy relationship is the stregth of the WOMAN'S interest, not the man's.

If she treats you like GOLD, and she's not fat or ugly, you already have more than most men.

Compatability, liking the same music, being soul-mates, butterflies in the stomach, all that crap is irrelevant.

I think you have this idea that there is ONE special person out there who will make your heart flutter. There isn't.

To answer your question, Don Juan principles, like being a leader, being a challenge, and being blatantly obvious about your sexuality, still apply after marriage.

Let me make a wild guess: wife's gained a little weight?

I don't mean to be rude or offensive, but let me take an even wilder guess:
she is (at least somewhat) overweight and homely, and it's only been getting worse and worse during the years. Isn't it?

I would tend to think the lack of "spark" has mostly been due to the lack of intense physical desire. I bet she was at best a 6 from the start, aging and the extra weight are only making her less and less desirable.

Sorry if I sound very harsh and cruel. I have no doubt that she must be a caring and loving person. I was simply trying to put things into perspective, exposing the real issue underneath this "lack of spark" during all these years.

 

[niceguydying]

I SAW THAT EPISODE LAST NIGHT!!! I laughed my a$$ of at John too!! His wife and girls are fine!!!!!! Yeah his wife totally kicked his a$$ to da curb! Makes me wonder how he treated her throughout their marriage. She obviously stays for the$$$$$ because you can look at her and tell she does not love him at all! I kind of felt sorry for him because as pointed out he acted like an AFC bigtime.

He ought to let me take her out.

 

[DonWhoan]

Goodonpaper you sound like me. I've been married for 6.5 years with 3 little ones, lack of nookie and tired of trying sent me into affair with a HB9 that Fvcked like a pornstar. We got along great and I made the mistake of falling in love with her A$$, I'm currently separated. My affair has been going on for the last 15 months but I ended it today (how ironic). This young lady (42 YO) that I've been having an affair claim to loved me (47 YO) more than any other man she's been with and I felt the same way about her until I realized that she's been sleeping with at least 3 other guys while with me, even though we had an exclusive agreement which I stuck too (hadn't slept with my wife for 14 months) she wasn't loyal or faithful to me.

I've come to realize that my wife might no be as pretty or outgoing, but she loves me, is loyal and hasn't lied to me. I feel that I haven't given my marriage a chance, I owe it to my wife and kids to try.

Bottom line is, this website saved my A$$ by making me realize that I'm a MAN that needs to walk away from this affair and not look back. I've come to appreciate my wife and realized that I was selfish and almost Fvcked up things bad. We are still working on our marriage and going to a marriage councelor. My suggestion is try to seek help by going to a marriage councelor and take it from there.

Good luck.

 

[Desdinova]

Has anyone attempted AFC recovery while in a marriage? If so, can it be kept intact (if it’s worth doing that)?

Sort of. I went through my major DJ transformation when I was single, but I tried putting my foot down with my wife, but she only rebelled against me more.

It all really depends on who has the power in the relationship. Usually, the one with the less interest is the one with the power...

She’s totally in love with me and very dedicated to our family, but never having had that in-love spark myself, I feel that I sold myself short.

You sound like you're the one who's got the power, and that's a very good position to have in your marriage. If this is the case, you will never have to face a power struggle to get out of a miserable rut.

We have now been married for over 10 years and have young children. We have what appears on the surface to be a “good” marriage.

Good marriages are very hard to come by. If you're in a good relationship, you may be best off not to leave it. There's a lot of 5hitty women out there that are NOT worthy of your time. Finding a good woman is like finding a needle in a haystack. If you have a good woman, you may be best off staying with her.

I’ve never picked up (or even gotten a phone number from) a woman at a party or a bar/club (yet I managed to get a PhD) – if I was single or divorced, one of my motivations would be to correct that.

I want you to go back and think about what you wanted to accomplish with women when you were single. Did you want to be one of those guys who has a different gf every week, or were you looking for a good woman for companionship and possibly to create a life with?

If the second situation I mentioned is your answer, then you've accomplished that. Although you may have never had the "player" experience, it sounds like you came out a winner.

The dating cycle can get quite boring when you do it long enough. It becomes repetitive: meet, number close, date, fvck, dump - repeat ad nauseum. The great thing about LTRs is it doesn't have to be repetitive. You can continue to progress and you'll encounter many different challenges along the way. It NEVER gets boring, unless you let it get boring. If it is boring, try making it interesting!

 

[SELF-MASTERY]

Self-pity + selfishness= FOOL

If you break up your marriage over what you just posted you deserve to be ran over by a truck. Why not rewrite your marriage contract with your wife??? What I mean by marriage contract is that every relationship has unspoken rules, and maybe you should work on improving your marriage instead of acting like a teenage girl that wants to dump her boyfriend for Justin Timberlake. Seduce your wife, subtlely influence her into becoming the woman that you want (train her), shock her with a good unexpected fking, lust for her; make her lust for you, and most importantly don't be a puzzy and break up your family over this BS.

I know an older married guy that used what he learned from here in order to reinvigorate his marriage, you should do the same.

 

[Bonhomme]

OK, if I read this correctly, you're in a one-sided marriage, in which she has always been way more attracted to you than you are/were to her. In effect, you settled for someone to whom you had just enough attraction to be with ... which has not increased with time.

I agree with Self-Mastery most of all responses here.

But, on the other hand, if you have any inclination to fool around, you MUST not let your wife find out.

That would mean being absolutely discreet and taking as many precautions againsts STDs as possible. Which would require setting up a routine in which you do not fool around (at first), but would provide the setting to do so undetected. You'll have to ease into it, and if you're at all feeling a guilty compulsion to "spill the beans," just don't go there. Stop. Immmediately. The worst thing that could happen would be for her to find out, regardless of any regrets you might have. To hell with guilt.

 

[SELF-MASTERY]

go see an escort; the game isn't within you.