Can I save my LTR?

[doinwork]

STOP! cordon he has already had the talk with her. Now you got him throwing more threats at her. Don't email her, especialy if it is longer then a few sentences. Please understand I'm pationat about this post because you are going to blow it. you have the luxury of cutting her off for a while so she can realize how much she misses you and will be the best girlfriend she has ever been. this could take a week or two of blowing her off. (ok maybe a few days but i don't want to give you false hope to work with)


Yes she may move on but if she doesn't then your relationship will be better then ever. It's scary and hard to do but the time is now. you have this luxury. the girl I'm seeing now, we are being torn apart in a couple weeks because we are moving to differnt cities. I wish I had the time you had to work with.

 

[49au]

doinwork,

That is exactly what he's talking about - cutting her off.

Like this morning, she sends her usual good morning text and even though she's busy at work she will text me throughout the day as long as I respond back, making small talk.

I don't want to do that.

But if I just ignore her, I look like an ass, and I don't think THAT is the kind of "distant" I need to be right now. I need to be distant in the sense of "I care about you, but get your sh1t together", not "I'm a jerk who is going to act like a child and ignore you out of spite."

Here is what I am thinking about sending her, which I think accomplishes both cutting her off (if it's salvageable) or dumping her (if it's not):

x,

I've been thinking about the things you told me about your ex.

First, it is natural for someone to miss a person that they dated for that long. That is a long time and a huge emotional investment. On top of that, we all have selective memory, and the grass will seem greener on the other side. I still think about my ex sometimes, even though I have absolutely no desire to get back with her. It's just part of being human. We always wonder, "what if?"

That is one of the reasons you could be missing him. And if that is the reason, then it doesn't mean there is something wrong with our relationship, or that you should doubt it. It means you don't have to be confused or guilty. You just have to put the past aside, move on, and realize that you're taking what's right in front of you for granted because you aren't being realistic about the past. If you think this may be the reason, then we need to take some time apart for you to clear your head.

The other reasons you could be missing him are that you are either not over him, want him back out of vanity because he left you, or I am not giving you something that he did. If it's any of those reasons, then we need to end this relationship here and now. I won't try to be someone else.

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

Don't send an email.

 

[GhostWriter]

Speak without speaking!

Don't do it!

 

[Tiguere]

Listen OP . You need to go out and breath fresh air. Stop sending het emails/text or whatever.

Have some dignity and self respect. This is YOU time right now. Time for healing and contacting her is doing the opposite.

Everytime you contact her ...her ex becomes more attractive. I was in your shoes 3 years ago. Dont make the sames mistakes i made.

 

[cordoncordon]

doinwork,

That is exactly what he's talking about - cutting her off.

Like this morning, she sends her usual good morning text and even though she's busy at work she will text me throughout the day as long as I respond back, making small talk.

I don't want to do that.

But if I just ignore her, I look like an ass, and I don't think THAT is the kind of "distant" I need to be right now. I need to be distant in the sense of "I care about you, but get your sh1t together", not "I'm a jerk who is going to act like a child and ignore you out of spite."

Here is what I am thinking about sending her, which I think accomplishes both cutting her off (if it's salvageable) or dumping her (if it's not):

x,

I've been thinking about the things you told me about your ex.

First, it is natural for someone to miss a person that they dated for that long. That is a long time and a huge emotional investment. On top of that, we all have selective memory, and the grass will seem greener on the other side. I still think about my ex sometimes, even though I have absolutely no desire to get back with her. It's just part of being human. We always wonder, "what if?"

That is one of the reasons you could be missing him. And if that is the reason, then it doesn't mean there is something wrong with our relationship, or that you should doubt it. It means you don't have to be confused or guilty. You just have to put the past aside, move on, and realize that you're taking what's right in front of you for granted because you aren't being realistic about the past. If you think this may be the reason, then we need to take some time apart for you to clear your head.

The other reasons you could be missing him are that you are either not over him, want him back out of vanity because he left you, or I am not giving you something that he did. If it's any of those reasons, then we need to end this relationship here and now. I won't try to be someone else.

I would not send this email. Too long, and it tries to rationalize her behavior and "help her" to see what she is doing wrong. That is not your job, do not try to convince her why she should want to be with you. BELIEVE me, I have tried this route with an ex long ago, and it does not work. It only drives them further away. Do not try and rationalize with her, do not try to persuade her. I would either call her and tell her what I told you to in my first post to you here, or email it to her if you dont feel you can say it. But your best bet is a call, short and to the point on what YOU want, not her. She is the one creating this drama, you don't need to be there for her while she goes through it.
Say this>

"look, I love you very much, but I cannot compete with a memory and what you had with your ex. You are obviously not over him yet, and that is not fair to either me or our relationship. So why don't you take some time, see how you feel about things with me, with him, and if someday you feel as though you have reached the point where you are 100% over him, let me know. And if I am single, we can go from there. No hard feelings."

 

[doinwork]

oh my god somebody save this kid, cordon your not helping

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

Cordon.

That email makes it seem like he is waiting for her.

 

[cordoncordon]

You guys are going overboard to the other extreme. This isn't some random fluzzy he wants to pump and dump. He obviously really cares about her, loves her, and wants to stay with her. So lets do what we can to make that happen without going the opposite extreme of an AFC. You give anyone an ultimatum, especially to a girl, like some of you are suggesting? And their natural reaction will be to run away.

My words to her are simply, in a calm and rationale way WITHOUT an ultimatum, that he does not want to be in this relationship while she is going through whatever this is, and if, and again IF, she ever figures it out and again IF he is single at that time, they can talk about it. No promises they will get back together if she gets over the ex, no ultimatums, not whining, no pleading, no anger.

Trust me on this.

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

It's not an ultimatum until you verbalize it. He needs to let her know how he feels (which he already did) and wait for her reaction. If it is the wrong reaction you need to leave.

 

[Theboss]

We are all gathered here to witness the burial of this poor chap's LTR. He will inevitably learn that what he is doing is completley wrong. He will laern that he is being misguided by people who are pumping him to send emails. He will learn that no matter how long he has been with somebody, no matter how many trips they have been on, no matter how much intamacy they have shared, if she does not understand that she is not the center of his universe and he can walk away at any time she will always take him for granted if not on the surface but subconcsiously.

Now let's recognize the good in this because all the guys who realy know their **** here know he is going to **** this up. what does not kill him makes him stronger.

There are guys in here that know how to make LTRs work. Concorn aint it. I've been in 3 LTRs, the only reason they ended is because they were ready to get married and have kids when i wasn't. What your about to do is suicide. And yes they were nice girls, not flusys.

Tough love: if this email does work, this med student is not hot and is not interesting at all and all the bull**** you are saying to her she has never heard. Trust me bud my LTRs were sweet girls that were very attractive and intelligent and this crap your sending is desperate what concrn wants you to send is pathetic. Even with nice, intelligent, attractive independent, med students (hopefully that's her) there is a right time for the mushy stuff. This is not it, do not reward her with sweet talk for bad behavior. (maybe it's not bad behavior but worse she see's happiness elswere even if its in her imaginaTION) Your last voice of reason is sighning out. Hopefully your young because you are about to learn the hard way. A med student is a terrible thing to waist.

 

[cordoncordon]

We are all gathered here to witness the burial of this poor chap's LTR. He will inevitably learn that what he is doing is completley wrong. He will laern that he is being misguided by people who are pumping him to send emails. He will learn that no matter how long he has been with somebody, no matter how many trips they have been on, no matter how much intamacy they have shared, if she does not understand that she is not the center of his universe and he can walk away at any time she will always take him for granted if not on the surface but subconcsiously.

Now let's recognize the good the in this because al the guys who realy know their **** here know he is going to **** this up. what does not kill him makes him stronger.

There are guys in here that know how to make LTRs work. Concorn aint it. I've been in 3 LTRs, the only reason they ended is because they were ready to get married and have kids when i wasn't. What your about to do is suicide. And yes they were nice girls, not flusys.

Tough love: if this email does work, this med student is not hot and is not interesting at all and all the bull**** you are saying to her she has never heard. Trust me bud my LTRs were sweet girls that were very attractive and intelligent. Even with them there is a right time for the mushy stuff. This is not it, do not reward her with sweet talk for bad behavior. Your last voice of reason is sighning out. Hopefully your young because you are about to learn the hard way. A med student is a terrible thing to waist.

Ok...you have NO clue as to what you are talking about. First as to me, I have been in multiple LTR's, one of 2 years, another of 1.5 years, then 4 years, then 2 years, then 5 years, and now my present one of 2 years. In between those I have fvcked a ton of girls, well over 150 at least. When it comes to women, I have always done fairly well, and since I turned 30 or so, I rule.

If you would take the time to re read what I told the OP to do, I did tell him to break up with her. I told him to move on. I told him to tell her that she should work on her own issues, and IF IF IF IF IF she can do that, and IF IF IF IF IF he is single when she does and and IF IF IF IF IF he wants to date her then, he can! Wow, see how simple that is? No where in there did I tell him to try and reason with her, to placate her, to rationalize with her. I said quite the opposite. However, he wants to stay with her. That does not mean he just goes silent and ignores her texts, calls, and emails like a 14 year old. This is a grown adult man, with a grown adult woman, not the 17 year old kids you are dating ok? They have a little more maturity than that. You have 3 posts here. I am sure you are a former poster who has been banned. For good reason it appears.

In edit, I see you have trouble spelling and reading as well.

 

[Theboss]

looks's like I got a rise out of this guy concorn, he's starting to act a litlle crazy and he's supposed to be 30? It's your choice 49 read the advice you get and filter it through yourself, good luck

 

[49au]

Haven't been able to post because of a 10 post in 24 hour limit.

Anyway, I'm not sending her the email.

I think that call last night had a huge effect on her. She has been texting me today, and called me. A while after we got off the phone, she texted, "Do you hate me?" This was really weird because on the call we just talked about our day and I was just my normal self.

We had a convo by text, paraphrasing:

Her: You seem indifferent to me, I can't blame you, I've fvcked everything up

Me: I'm not angry, I'm just not going to be with someone that takes me for granted

[no response until a couple hours later]

Her: I don't, I know I don't deserve you/ I feel like it doesn't even matter anymore to you/If I didn't care about this I wouldn't have told you the truth/I'm trying to clear my head

Me: I told you last night exactly how I feel. I'm not mad at you but there's nothing more I can say.

Her: I'm so sad/The thought of not having you in my life makes me feel sick to my stomach/I can't study, or eat, or sleep. I'm a mess



I haven't replied to that yet.

I think I've turned the tables here. Now what? Keep pressing it and break up with her anyway?

 

[cordoncordon]

Haven't been able to post because of a 10 post in 24 hour limit.

Anyway, I'm not sending her the email.

I think that call last night had a huge effect on her. She has been texting me today, and called me. A while after we got off the phone, she texted, "Do you hate me?" This was really weird because on the call we just talked about our day and I was just my normal self.

We had a convo by text, paraphrasing:

Her: You seem indifferent to me, I can't blame you, I've fvcked everything up

Me: I'm not angry, I'm just not going to be with someone that takes me for granted

[no response until a couple hours later]

Her: I don't, I know I don't deserve you/ I feel like it doesn't even matter anymore to you/If I didn't care about this I wouldn't have told you the truth/I'm trying to clear my head

Me: I told you last night exactly how I feel. I'm not mad at you but there's nothing more I can say.

Her: I'm so sad/The thought of not having you in my life makes me feel sick to my stomach/I can't study, or eat, or sleep. I'm a mess



I haven't replied to that yet.

I think I've turned the tables here. Now what? Keep pressing it and break up with her anyway?

LOL, it is amazing me to me how seriously F'd up women can be at times. How they can try and turn it around so that YOU FEEL guilty for breaking up with them, how they have all these "troubles" in their life and its such a burden, oh poor poor little girl. Amazing. She makes it seem as if she is going through all of this crazy stuff, and woe is her, when she brought this entirely onto herself by yearning for her ex, and there is one simple way to end all this. Reaffirm her commitment to her bf, you know the guy you are presently dating and that you say you love? And stop thinking about or talking to an ex who dumped you a year ago. I mean it really is that simple. But women don't think like that. This is all self induced drama, and she is trying to reel you into her little world full of it. Bro, I am telling you I had the exact same experience as you with a girl about 8 years ago, and she said the exact same things. I pleaded and tried to make her think rationally, and all it did was drive her further away. Stand your ground.

I would just lay off now for a while. If you do answer a text or phone call, which I wouldn't, make it one word answers. At this point she should come crawling back to you if she wants this to work. And I predict she will. Just stay strong.

 

[49au]

What's funny is that I haven't even broken up with her yet.

I don't have a problem ignoring her, I just don't know "how" I should do it. For instance she sends me a text like the last one and I just don't say anything? That seems kind of juvenile. But I can't sympathize with her or say I'm sorry.

 

[cordoncordon]

What's funny is that I haven't even broken up with her yet.

I don't have a problem ignoring her, I just don't know "how" I should do it. For instance she sends me a text like the last one and I just don't say anything? That seems kind of juvenile. But I can't sympathize with her or say I'm sorry.

I told you what to send. Told you twice now. That will really rock her world. Don't get caught up in her games of texting drama. She just wants sympathy for a plight she created. If you send what I told you to, it gets you off the hook of having to respond to her as well, as you will have made it perfectly clear that you really don't want to talk to her until she puts this drama behind her.

Do it and be free my friend. She will come crawling back. Then you can decide what to do from then on.

 

[Delly2000]

I think she has already let you go in her mind bro. All that stuff she saying is ********. Just drawing the whole process out. She suppose to be chasing after you. After the man she loves. She just feels guilty.

Also I said there might be someone else. Then she tells u she thinking about her ex. Obviously their relationship wasn't stellar which is why they broke up...she probably just looking at the past because whats happening in the present isnt all that great...in her mind anyway.

I would be pissed. Becasue you spent all this quality time with this girl with all these trips. You obiviously dig her alot. And she goes and does u like taht.

Ofcourse you can't get angry with her. Just let the chips fall man. Let her miss you. Withdraw.

 

[49au]

Well, I pulled the trigger tonight.

After I didn't answer her last text she called me twice while I was out eating with friends, and I didn't answer. She then texted me something like "if you want to talk just call me whenever. I'll leave you alone." I still didn't respond.

A couple hours later...

her: "Are you just gonna ignore me?"

me: No. But how are you going to clear your head if we don't take some space though?

her: Is that what we're doing? I didn't know. Sorry.

me: You're telling me your confusion is cleared up in one day?

her: I'm not saying that. I would still like to talk to you and keep in touch. Maybe this is what you really awnt deep down. I don't know. You seem to be great so don't let me get in your way.



That message really said volumes to me, obviously at this point I have to do just break it off. So I sent her exactly what cordon suggested. After that:

her: That's not what I want/you said we could work on things and now you just want things to be over?

me: Read what I just told you.

her: You know, for you loving me so much you are very calm. I'm the one that's a mess and you don't even give a ****. This is not what I want. So fine. Glad you got to tell me this through text.

me: Quit trying to make me feel guilty. You are the one that brought this on our relationship, not me.

her: I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. I know I fvcked everything up.I just didn't expect for you to be like peace out then. Over a text. I think maybe deep down this is what you want.

me: It has nothing to do with how much I love you. It's about me being true to myself. I will not be disrespected. I will not be a second option. And I will not be with someone who isn't sure they want to be with me.

her: ok. I'm sorry. I'm just confused. But I do love you. And I wanted to see you tonight. That's why I was calling you. But I don't blame you, I wish you the best. I'll leave you alone. And FYI, you are not a second option. I want things to work with you.

me: You have a lot of soul searching to do. And I wish you the best as well. Later this week you can pick up your things here.

her: I can't believe this is really over/you must feel relieved

 

[mahoney]

I really have no idea why all this is done over text