Can I save my LTR?

[pipe007]

^^ that does not mean you are OCD, and your ex is not BPD, no BPD woman has the capacity to go through the pressures of med school.

would you guys stop "diagnosing" every girl that dumps you as being BPD or some mentally disordered?

it's biased.

 

[DMEDFISIK]

Stay strong. Have the confidence that you will find a new person in due time. We've all been there. This too will pass. I promise you.

If it helps, I believe you did the right thing. You should have no regrets whatsoever. It's not your loss. It's hers. Continue to do things that occupy your time, hit the gym, learn piano or guitar or something. You'll be ok.

 

[JustinVerj]

^^ that does not mean you are OCD, and your ex is not BPD, no BPD woman has the capacity to go through the pressures of med school.

would you guys stop "diagnosing" every girl that dumps you as being BPD or some mentally disordered?

it's biased.

100% agree. By that frame prolly 99% of the guys on here are BPD.

 

[49au]

I have been minimally responsive to her texts over the last week or so, tomorrow I am going to proactively cut contact and just force myself to let her go.

I'm doing this by mailing her back an item she left with me (a souvenir from one of our trips that she has begged me twice to take but I refused, then she slipped it into a bag with sister's stuff that she had at her house, for me to find later when I gave the stuff back to my sister), along with the following:

x,

We had many great memories and I am thankful for them. None of this feels right, and I will probably never understand what went wrong. But I cannot allow myself to live in doubt, fear, or waiting. I love you completely, but I am letting go. Only then can I give that love to someone else and be truly happy again.

I sincerely wish you all the best.

Maybe this is AFC, I don't really care anymore. It's concise and direct while not being cold or bitter.

My major mistake here was waffling after the breakup; I maintained my frame very well most of the time but I had a couple moments of major weakness and I think in the back of her mind she does not believe that I'm gone yet. I am interested in seeing her reaction to this note and me mailing her the souvenir/memory back, since she obviously wanted me to keep it badly. I think this will probably be the first moment since I broke up with her that will realize 100% that I am serious. And she knows I have kept small mementos from previous relationships, so me sending back the souvenir is going to be pretty significant. I think me holding on to it may in her mind be a sign that I am still holding on to her.

I have honestly been majorly depressed the last several days, rough sleep and very little appetite, but I have been forcing myself to interact with friends, hit the gym, talk to a few girls, get out in the sun, etc. But also thinking a lot about the relationship, and what it is that draws me to this one particular girl SO MUCH. I'm slowly getting to where I need to be. Just facing the whole thing and not burying my feelings is helping me move past it.

 

[JustinVerj]

I have been minimally responsive to her texts over the last week or so, tomorrow I am going to proactively cut contact and just force myself to let her go.

I'm doing this by mailing her back an item she left with me (a souvenir from one of our trips that she has begged me twice to take but I refused, then she slipped it into a bag with sister's stuff that she had at her house, for me to find later when I gave the stuff back to my sister), along with the following:



Maybe this is AFC, I don't really care anymore. It's concise and direct while not being cold or bitter.

My major mistake here was waffling after the breakup; I maintained my frame very well most of the time but I had a couple moments of major weakness and I think in the back of her mind she does not believe that I'm gone yet. I am interested in seeing her reaction to this note and me mailing her the souvenir/memory back, since she obviously wanted me to keep it badly. I think this will probably be the first moment since I broke up with her that will realize 100% that I am serious. And she knows I have kept small mementos from previous relationships, so me sending back the souvenir is going to be pretty significant. I think me holding on to it may in her mind be a sign that I am still holding on to her.

I have honestly been majorly depressed the last several days, rough sleep and very little appetite, but I have been forcing myself to interact with friends, hit the gym, talk to a few girls, get out in the sun, etc. But also thinking a lot about the relationship, and what it is that draws me to this one particular girl SO MUCH. I'm slowly getting to where I need to be. Just facing the whole thing and not burying my feelings is helping me move past it.

Im still at a loss here. You admit you love her completely, that this whole thing doesnt feel right. You KNOW this isnt supposed to be happening and yet you are still continuing down this path. For what reason exactly? So you can prove how much of a man you are? The reason this doesnt feel right is because it isnt! To me this was simply supposed to be a bump in the road of your relationship, not the end of it. This kind of stuff goes on all the time in relationships...on both sides! Now Its very possible there has been too much post breakup damage done on your part but my god at this point I would try and give this one last shot. What in the world do you have to lose....except someone you loved very much that is....

 

[49au]

What I feel about her is irrelevant; she is still unsure.

She is a passive, emotional, indecisive girl. So I could possibly even get her back just by being strong and leading her. But I couldn't be in a healthy relationship with her if that's what happened. She would have to come running back to me for me to even begin to consider it working again. She has asked me twice since the breakup if I thought we could fix things. But that is not enough.

And I do love her; but I am also honestly examining the reasons WHY I love her. And beyond that, the fact that love is not enough. I want my partner to be able to travel with me, go out and have fun on weekends, and spend quality time together. For the next 4 years of her life she is going to be a SLAVE to school and then some hospital, working well over 100 hours a week. Despite how I feel about her, do I want that? I don't know. Neither of even know if she is going to be able to stay here for her residency. It's very possible she will have to move away for 3 years.

 

[cordoncordon]

Quote:
x,

We had many great memories and I am thankful for them. None of this feels right, and I will probably never understand what went wrong. But I cannot allow myself to live in doubt, fear, or waiting. I love you completely, but I am letting go. Only then can I give that love to someone else and be truly happy again.

I sincerely wish you all the best.

Don't write that. Mail back the item if you want, but say nothing. Especially the "I love you completely" line. All that does it make it sound like you are doing all this just to get her back. Your mindset should be 100% geeared towards moving on.

 

[49au]

I just think it would seem a little cold/bitter to just mail it back with no note at all. She wanted me to have it for a reason.

I'm past the stage of trying to play games. I may revise the note a little bit; but at this point I don't really care how she receives it. This is for me. I don't want her thinking I'm still holding on, which will make me wonder in the back of my mind every day if I will get "the call" from her. If she knows I'm done, I don't ever have to worry about that call coming. Makes it easier to move on and kill that sick "maybe she will come to her senses" feeling.

 

[cordoncordon]

Im still at a loss here. You admit you love her completely, that this whole thing doesnt feel right. You KNOW this isnt supposed to be happening and yet you are still continuing down this path. For what reason exactly? So you can prove how much of a man you are? The reason this doesnt feel right is because it isnt! To me this was simply supposed to be a bump in the road of your relationship, not the end of it. This kind of stuff goes on all the time in relationships...on both sides! Now Its very possible there has been too much post breakup damage done on your part but my god at this point I would try and give this one last shot. What in the world do you have to lose....except someone you loved very much that is....

Stop writing. Your posts are offering the worst advice possible, and you are coming across as the biggest afc on this site, TOM.

 

[cordoncordon]

I have been minimally responsive to her texts over the last week or so, tomorrow I am going to proactively cut contact and just force myself to let her go.

I'm doing this by mailing her back an item she left with me (a souvenir from one of our trips that she has begged me twice to take but I refused, then she slipped it into a bag with sister's stuff that she had at her house, for me to find later when I gave the stuff back to my sister), along with the following:



Maybe this is AFC, I don't really care anymore. It's concise and direct while not being cold or bitter.

My major mistake here was waffling after the breakup; I maintained my frame very well most of the time but I had a couple moments of major weakness and I think in the back of her mind she does not believe that I'm gone yet. I am interested in seeing her reaction to this note and me mailing her the souvenir/memory back, since she obviously wanted me to keep it badly. I think this will probably be the first moment since I broke up with her that will realize 100% that I am serious. And she knows I have kept small mementos from previous relationships, so me sending back the souvenir is going to be pretty significant. I think me holding on to it may in her mind be a sign that I am still holding on to her.

I have honestly been majorly depressed the last several days, rough sleep and very little appetite, but I have been forcing myself to interact with friends, hit the gym, talk to a few girls, get out in the sun, etc. But also thinking a lot about the relationship, and what it is that draws me to this one particular girl SO MUCH. I'm slowly getting to where I need to be. Just facing the whole thing and not burying my feelings is helping me move past it.

My gf read this complete thread along with me, and she and I both agree that right now all this stuff you are doing is not being done because you are moving on and want to remove her from your life, but instead is being done to first, get reactions out of her, and two, to eventually try to get her to change her mind and devote herself 100% to the relationship. At this point you should not be spending this much time and energy on this. Your time and energy should be spent on yourself and making your life better. You say you are interested to see her reactions to things. That means you still care what she thinks. When you don't care one iota either way will be when you have finally started to move on.

My brother did this once with an ex, where he would spend every waking moment for months thinking about, talking about, analyzing her. He would think up all these different ways to try and get her to respond to him and to eventually come back to him. I mean he did this ALL day and night. Lost weight, got super depressed to where he had to be put on Prozac after 8 months or so. He became obsessed, much like you are now. Keep going down this path, and it will destroy you. Let go. I know it is hard and no one is saying you should not be sad for a time, that is only human, but realize what this girl did to you, how she went behind your back to talk to an ex, how she is so unsure of being with you, then tell yourself you can do better. IF she knew how upset and sad you are over all this, and who knows maybe she does, she would probably be laughing her azz off. Once you move on completely, she will know it. But right now you are just playing little games to try and get her to change her opinion on things, and that is not going to work.

Stay strong.

 

[kenpiffyjr]

OP, you sound like a straight up simp!

Sounds like you done watched or read too many romantic novels thinking because Diane Lane gushed over a simp's love letter...real life chicks will too. Nope! Them movies are made for middle aged women and ex-sluts who trying to fulfill something so perfect that they wish they had the ability to relate to.

You send that sappy crap and keep talking about this girl like God invented the pedastol for her and she'll keep laughing at you low key. If you would have cried the same way she did when you found out she was txting her ex and didn't reverse the tables...she would have dropped you at the drop of a hat and said her friends you cried and won't stop calling and nexting while she's doing homework. Remember that!

 

[Igetit!]

I'm actually suprised this thread has gone on this long because both pipe007 and PrettyboyAJ nailed this thing from the getgo. This is a simple case of lack of attraction.


I don't know if this girl is BPD or not,but I do know this....all the signs of low to no attraction are there....ALL OF THEM.


The sex drying up,her saying blaming the lack of affection on work/school and/or other OUTSIDE things,her being indecisive and tossing of thousands of "I don't knows".


It's all there. I've been through this myself before and just like the OP (49au) did,I made EVERY MISTAKE in the book trying to fix it/figure out what was wrong. What happened in my relationship was one day out of the blue,she just came up to me and said,"I want to stop having sex".



I was like,"Huh?" Then she said.....


her:I want to stop having sex.
me:You want to stop having sex?
her:Not forever,just for a while.
me:Stop having sex? Uhh...is something wrong?




I thought something was wrong medically down there,lol. I thought maybe she had some sort of infection or problem in her vaginal area.



her:No,I'm ok.
me;So you just want to stop having sex? Why?
her:I just want to,ok?



Then I asked her if she wanted to break up,and she said no. I was like,"Huh? So you want to continue being girlfriend and boyfriend,just without sex?"


And she said yes.


We argued and fought like cats and dogs over this for weeks. I did everything I could to make her start back wanting sex again.



I tried to be nice to her,I put my foot down about her behavior,I used logic and ultimatums,tried to reason with her,tried to make her jealous,I did EVERYTHING I could think of,and NOTHING worked.



Women have needs in a relationship,and to be happy in a SEXUAL relationship,she HAS TO HAVE sexual attraction/chemistry,just like a man HAS TO HAVE SEX in order to be happy in a SEXUAL relationship.



Anybody here every have a car run out of gas while in the middle of driving?

What happens? It starts "acting up" first,then it stops. It's the same thing with a woman.



When her attraction starts getting low,she doesn't quit or break up from the relationship,she starts "acting up" first. If the absense of attraction persist,then she'll leave,but to be honest,she really DOESN'T WANT TO.



That's where all the indecisiveness and the "I don't knows" come from. This "49au" dude is a GOOD PERSON and she knows that. Him being a good person is why she doesn't want to leave,but the LACK OF ATTRACTION is why she doesn't want to stay.



I don't think this girl is evil,this is just how people act when they have a need that isn't being met. A man would behave the EXACT SAME WAY if he were in a long term relationship,had developed feelings for the girl,then all of the sudden,HIS NEED(the sex) dried up.


Does he want to break up? No,not really.
Does he want to go out and cheat? No.
Would he be happy in the relationship? No.


You think his behavior would change and he'd start acting "weird" like this girl did here? Of course he would,but he doesn't want this.



How may people here act and behave EXACTLY THE SAME when you have a full stomach as you do when you haven't eaten all day?



That's what I mean. When you have a need that isn't met,you're going to act up. If a car has an empty tank,it's not going to run,and it doesn't matter what else you do.


You can wash it,give it a new paint job,give it brand new tires,change the oil,give it a tune up,and do a THOUSAND OTHER THINGS,but once you finish and try to drive off,you'll still be stuck right where you are.



The op has.....


talked with her
tried to rationalize with her
told her "I don't want to be with you" repeatedly
told her he was ok with them breaking up
asked for a "break"
told her about other women he'd been seeing
"clearly demonstrated" that he doesn't mind losing her


Even the girl HERSELF said,"I'm so sad/The thought of not having you in my life makes me feel sick to my stomach/I can't study, or eat, or sleep. I'm a mess"



So after EVERYTHING the Op has done,and her making statements like this,even with ALL THAT having happened and gone on,guess what?



The tank is still empty. And if the tank is empty,the car won't go,it's just that simple. This could have been fixed a LONG TIME AGO.



Check out this thread 49au. http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=156533.


DONT WORRY.... it's not 10 pages long,in fact,it's only 1. And you don't have to read the whole thing,just skip down to reply #14 and have a look at it.

 

[49au]

Cordon,

This is a little frustrating because it doesn't seem like you get what I'm saying.

I don't care how she perceives it, it is a release for me. This is the same thing I said earlier in the thread about having that super long emotional talk with her. That was not good for attraction, but it was good for me in that it helped me understand more and just let me get some of this crap out of my system.

There are guys on here talking about their ex, it's been 6 months and they still can't sleep right. That is not going to be me. It's been less than two weeks since I broke up with her and just a week since the last time I saw her. If it had been a month, or three months and I'm still talking like this, it's a different story.

I am already doing all the things that people talk about - basically rebuilding my life and my confidence. I admit that I slipped and my world became TOO MUCH about her while we were together.



Igetit,

Great post. It baffles me how a woman's IL/attraction/sexuality can be SKY HIGH in the first few months and then somehow it changes. We have to always be on guard.

 

[AlexDP]

^^ that does not mean you are OCD, and your ex is not BPD, no BPD woman has the capacity to go through the pressures of med school.

would you guys stop "diagnosing" every girl that dumps you as being BPD or some mentally disordered?

it's biased.

I agree with you when you say it's not a diagnosis we should make just like that. When you've been with a BPD girl, you will know. It's not 4 or 5 things, it's literally hundreds of things that'll point you in that direction.

But you're wrong when you say that no BPD woman has the capacity to go through med school. Not all of them are low functioning. BPD is an attachment disorder and affects interpersonal relationships. It doesn't affect the capacity to become a doctor. There is also a distinct difference between low functioning (the alcoholic BPD girls who become hair dressers) or high functioning BPD women.

All things considered though, this girl clearly does not have BPD.

 

[betheman]

a woman who has has BPD CAN go through med school...I know one!
They can function to a high level, however at some point, the wheels come off, more intelligent and and resourceful a BPD is, the better they can mask and rationalise their behaviour, High functioning BPDS are in almost every profession

 

[49au]

[x] major abandonment issues
[x] childhood trauma
[x] major daddy issues
[x] major "I don't want to turn out like my mother" issues
[x] major guilt issues
[x] trust issues
[x] extremely emotional
[x] major indecision about career/future
[x] major external stressors
[ ] BPD

That is my clinical analysis. lol

 

[ELMER_GANTRY]

LOL.....and this coming from a guy who doesn't know how to entertain his girlfriend.

He bases this ridiculous statement on his own personal opinion, rather than the knowledge and facts of the matter at hand. This quote he makes is absurd. He lumps all BPD women into the same category, generalizing them as all the same, incapable of handling pressures of school, which is not true at all. There are different forms, types, and levels, of BPD, just like there is cancer and any other disease. Some have it severe, and some have it mild, while other show different traits of it, the main result is the same, severe emotional attachment, fear of abandonment, high interest level at the beginning, then the devaluation of the man, and the end of the relationship.

The OP stated after several pages and after the relationship was over, that this woman had emotional difficulties, and some of her behavior pointed to signs of BPD. Cordon went through a BPD relationship, he knows the signs. I've seen them first hand myself and up close with women, and with my friends. I'm 4/4 on here picking out BPD women, and if you want to include this one then 5/5. If you have knowledge and experience with this subject, then you know what signs to look for and know what these women are like. If you don't, like I can see pipe doesn't, then you shouldn't offer a personal opinion with out any knowledge or facts because it doesn't hold water and it just makes you look foolish.

^^ that does not mean you are OCD, and your ex is not BPD, no BPD woman has the capacity to go through the pressures of med school.

would you guys stop "diagnosing" every girl that dumps you as being BPD or some mentally disordered?

it's biased.

^^

that does not mean you are OCD,

Actually, OCD men get attached to BPD women because they have a disorder themselves and they gravitate towards those women..

and your ex is not BPD,

You are making a statement by your own personal opinion rather than having any knowlegde of this subject. If you knew what this disorder is, and actually had any knowledge or experience with it, then you would know that some of her behavior the OP stated is clearly a sign of what a BPD girl does in a relationship. Like I said above, not every BPD woman is the same. There are the waifs, the women who have low functioning BPD, the women who have less severe cases, the women who don't cut themselves, etc. Not every BPD woman is the same. They have different traits, but they are still classified as having the disorder. She had a huge attachment and abandonment fear and was super clingy along with her emotional behavior, wanted to be in a relationship really fast, those are strong signs of BPD and was her reason for stayng with the ex 24/7 and wanting to be with him all the time, just as she wanted to do with the OP. BPD women attach themselves to you like an octopus and won't let go, and they will devalue you, cheat on you, and want to dump you just as fast, just like she did with the OP. So, don't make a statement only on your personal opinion in which you have no knowledge of because we all can see that you are wrong.


no BPD woman has the capacity to go through the pressures of med school.

Now this is sentence is really absurd, and is exactly what I'm talking about here. Pipe lumps all BPD women into one category and generalizes them as all the same when he clearly shows a deep lack of knowledge of what these women really are and what they are capable of accomplishng in life.

BPD women are capabale of going to school and holding down a high quality job. The absurd statement that pipe makes, is like saying an alcoholic or a drug addict can't hold down a job. They do that on the side but still can get the job done if they need to.

BPD is an emotional disorder, and is shown only to the people close to her, her family, boyfriend, close friends. They don't go around like baskestcases all day crying and raging at people. They only show that side whe you are close to them or involved with them in some way. They appear normal to others and you wouldn't even know they had this disorder. Why do you think they suck you into a relationship and you have no idea that they are this way until several months into it. They are actors and don't show this side to everybody.

My friend is going to law school in her second year, a girl in two of her classes has BPD and she is studying to be a lawyer even though she has this disorder. I would think that becoming a lawyer would have a lot of pressure trying to pass the tests, and the bar exam. Pretty stressful stuff I would imagine. She has the capacity to go through with it. Pipe is wrong with his assessment. A lot of people with BPD, especially the waifs, who are caregivers themselves, go into professions that care for and help people. Doctors, lawyers, nurses, caregivers, social workers, shrinks (if you can believe that lol), counselors, and any care giving job has people that suffer with BPD and they can perform in their job. Again, this effects them, and the people that are close to them, not co workers, students etc. They are BPD's that are capable of high functioning at their job, school, in the world, but their home and personal life they are a mess, and that is where the problems are, but they still have BPD.

I had a hard time believing that my friend's ex was BPD. This was before I really knew a lot about it. She was sweet, funny, and really cool I thought. That was the side she showed to me. I didn't see the side she showed my friend. She didn't have a lot of the symptoms that other BPD women have
she had a less severe case. But, her behavior was the same of a BPD women
and so was the end result. She was diagnosed last year and she does infact have the disorder and is on a mild medication to control herself. The percentages are low because not a lot of people don't get diagnosed or get help for the disorder so the numbers are off. A lot of times, BPD is misdiagnosed for Bi Polar Disorder because of the similar traits.

So pipe, your statement is absurd, it is wrong, and only based on your personal opinion, people with this disorder can go to school and function in society. Don't generalize all people as the same and lump them as one, any time you do that, you are proven to be wrong, just like you were..


would you guys stop "diagnosing" every girl that dumps you as being BPD or some mentally disordered?

it's biased.

Actually, he dumped her, she tried to dump him, and was in the process of dumping him, but he dumped her before she could.

Again, if you have any knowledge or experience with this disorder you can easily tell the warning signs beforehand before you get into a bad situation, and you can easily tell what a BPD relationship is and how it ended from all the descriptions of her behavior and what became of it. Guys like you, that have no knowledge or understanding of the disorder, make absurd and unfactual comments and give the wrong opinionated advice like you have above. People should learn to know what they are actually talking about before they give advice, and people should read what posters write, and see that they have actual knowledge before they take it. People that can give facts and actually understand and decipher a relationship are the posters that people should take advice from. From the comment above by pipe, he clearly shows he has no idea or understanding about BPD and how they function.

.....

 

[cordoncordon]

LOL.....and this coming from a guy who doesn't know how to entertain his girlfriend.

He bases this ridiculous statement on his own personal opinion, rather than the knowledge and facts of the matter at hand. This quote he makes is absurd. He lumps all BPD women into the same category, generalizing them as all the same, incapable of handling pressures of school, which is not true at all. There are different forms, types, and levels, of BPD, just like there is cancer and any other disease. Some have it severe, and some have it mild, while other show different traits of it, the main result is the same, severe emotional attachment, fear of abandonment, high interest level at the beginning, then the devaluation of the man, and the end of the relationship.

The OP stated after several pages and after the relationship was over, that this woman had emotional difficulties, and some of her behavior pointed to signs of BPD. Cordon went through a BPD relationship, he knows the signs. I've seen them first hand myself and up close with women, and with my friends. I'm 4/4 on here picking out BPD women, and if you want to include this one then 5/5. If you have knowledge and experience with this subject, then you know what signs to look for and know what these women are like. If you don't, like I can see pipe doesn't, then you shouldn't offer a personal opinion with out any knowledge or facts because it doesn't hold water and it just makes you look foolish.





.....

Yep you nailed it. 49 I think you are getting the wrong impression about BPD's. They are not raving lunatics, they are not usually the type to be depressed to leave their bed for days at a time. Most of them are very functional, smart, and can carry on their normal every day lives with no one knowing what they really are. Mine had her MBA and had some very important jobs throughout her life. So I see no reason why your ex couldn't go to medical school for 8 years. It isn't until you get close to them that you find out their real issues. Like I said, they are chameleons, able to mask and hide their issues and make it seem like they are just the perfect person. I am not saying yours is a fullblown BPD, but she shows enough signs, just from what you have told me, where she is at least a mild case.

 

[bigneil]

It baffles me how a woman's IL/attraction/sexuality can be SKY HIGH in the first few months and then somehow it changes. We have to always be on guard.

Sad but true, and the theme of 90% of all heartaches. I don't think men lose their attraction so easily because we base it on looks and not confidence or social status, etc.

the main result (of BPD) is the same, severe emotional attachment, fear of abandonment, high interest level at the beginning, then the devaluation of the man, and the end of the relationship.

That too. But it seems there is a fine line between common BPD symptoms and simple loss of IL.

 

[LoneWolf]

sooo, did this girl leave because she lost interest? her attraction dropped? is that what you guys are saying? sounds like a job to keep a relationship happy and healthy. what things would we be talking about to keep that attraction going? being fun? taking her out? be an assh0le? girls piss me off about that.. they get bored of you after being with you so long, they can just turn off like a switch. *sigh*