Can I Have Some Advice On A Bpd Ex Gf Please !!!

[hungary1234]

Hey Im new here and I really like this site..wish I knew about it years ago!!! :woo:


Ok.....so I met a young female shes 19 and Im 30, and we are neighbours!!
She has a baby about 9mnths old and the "ex" was an ******* who left her when she fell pregnant (which is true by the way and also assaulted her too which is proved by police reports) has very little to do with her and her child.

So I come into the picture one day , we start hanging then sex and then before I know it relatonship!! She loved me in 3 weeks and after 4 months we move in together (new house) and I am the childs dad now and helping everything to do possible with raising her!! (great man arent I?)
So after a miscarriage and 8 months of a really fun but rocky relationship and i must admit we hardly broke up it was just her nonsense and most of it I handled not too bad apart from some of her games.
But sure enough by valentines day she broke up with me, we both were working extremely long hours and i was doing night shift at a bakery while she was doing waitressing in the peak holiday season and we were raising a baby and I was doing a majority of cooking and all that **** cos she couldnt handle it.
She just started acting distant and broke down and I mean really break down
saying I didnt love her anymore and she loved me too much she couldnt focus on her baby...maybe this was the BPD talking were they get too engulfed and abandoned???

So she leaves 2 weeks later...Im cool about it all but then gutted and I must admit I had a massive go at her about everything cos she was stringing me on sleeping around and still trying to use me.
Then a month later she gets a new bf..one from her past who is her babies dads best mate!! lol his no better than the dad, I hear they were dead beats in there school days...

But the whole time I was in some triangle for like 3 months mainly cos I was still daddy to her kid and the kid actually started bonding with me and saw me as a parent... It was tough to take on the chin cos we bonded pretty good and I must admit I loved her and still do..(both of them to be honest)

Well that new guy dumped her cos it was long distnace and he didnt want kids...I can tell having a child will be a massive obsticale for her in the future..so she ends up moving to her sisters another state away..
this is where 2 guy friends (orbiters) live but both are chumps and would die for her!!! lol

I should of seen the red flags early it was all there and I didnt realise it till it was too late...eg

*19 year old raising a baby single with father in a new relationship
*emotionally cold parents who dont really care for her
*extreme jelousy early on and has lots of guy friends and basically no girl friends as she always fights and burns bridges by using everyone
*was triangulating me and everyone else the whole time
*extreme mood swings
*no empathy for me at all and would say some ****ed up ****
*switches her emotions off sometimes in an "instant"
*had this lost stare in her eyes I knew straight away it wasnt right
*will have sex very easy with me and wasnt afraid to admit it and also said if she drinks she will pretty much go off with anyone
*extremely self centered and highly judgmental of everyone she knows
*hated my family and cut me off from everyone in the end! lol
*ended up falling pregnant to me (miscarried)
*bad personal hygiene , very messy unorganised
*cant handle the tiniest bit of stress and loses it over anything
*obsessed with love stories and disney movies
*and loves "ZOO's"

The list goes on and on I could sit here all day! lol I know she sounds like a typical young chick but everyone who knows here and my mates and family all said she has serious mental problems and is in denial...

So ppl...can I get your advice thanks and honest serious answers too I have copped alot of **** and been invalidated by everyone I know about it! lol

Ive realised she wont let me go ever and I highly doubt she will find someone like me again...I'm a "nice guy" but also not your average one, I still didnt take her **** or walk on egg shells and stood up to her alot and still do. I helped her alot with her BPD meltdowns by calming her and I gave her space when she was planning to break up a few times over nothing.

Its been 9months now after break up and Is there any chance to get her interested again?? She might be into the last guy still but there over it was only a fb thing...
She still goes on about missing the place she left where i am and brings all the good things we did up..
I havent been needy or desperate apart from a month when she left me!! lol
I have been unavailable to her a lot latley but its not making her really go crazy..
I still love her but from a distance and I accept the person she is..she is alot of fun to be with and I know she struggles in life and always will eat up more men or get with more abusive men.. :box:

I have been doing my research and I understand now how to be in a r/s with a BPDer now and I know alot about it and I think im best off with her cos shes safe with me and she knows this, i looked after her and her kid but she lost her **** and i think she knows what she's lost but just wont do much about it..
I know ppl will say what the fck are you doing wanting to be with her but I grew up with a severe mentally ill father and this is normal for me it doesnt bother me at all and she doesnt hurt me like it would to soemone else..I enjoy her drama and games its actually interesting how her brain ticks its so predictable its not funny!!

So guys....how can I get this one back for a recycle??
I know what Im up for and the potential diisaster but I want one more go so I can say i tried...we had a decdnt r/s but I was a bit AFC to her.
This is all by phone and text thats it...I know i have a chance because she wont let me go just yet the attachment is there somehow, she hoovers me pretty hard i must admit..

Cheers :woo: :cheer:

 

[Fugitive]

Jesus what a mess.

Okay so you broke up 9 months ago? But since then it sounds like you have kept contact with her? How often do you have contact/talk?

You need to understand that if you are such a nice guy that you're always there for her then she will stop placing value in you and begin to lose interest. You're available, easy and no challenge kind of like a free napkin at Starbucks. Being a nice guy is not a good thing when it comes to most women even though if you ask them they will tell you they want a nice guy really they want a high value guy.

 

[hungary1234]

Yeah a mess indeed....
Well she was relying on me alot like calling everyday then slowly decreased to once a week by me..

So how do I get her interest? Its hard for me not be nice i guess.. can i have some examples of what to do!! lol

 

[Fugitive]

At the moment she has ended the relationship but she continues to benefit from your support because you're still there. She probably knows that you want to be with her so there's no need for her to get back together because she feels she can have you at any time in her life anyway.

You need to completely cut off contact from her. Don't text, don't call, don't meet. If she contacts you ignore her. She may begin to chase you but because you've waited so long 9 months before going no contact on her there's no guarantee it will work.

By going no contact you will begin to re-establish your value. The next step is to start dating other women. This will change the fact that you're available and increase your value further. You have to be open minded. You're attached to this mental single mother. But seeing other women will help you realise that there are some amazing women out there and you have other options. By the same token you dating other women may make you more attractive again to your ex as generally women want a guy that they view as a good catch. And you can only be a good catch if you are desirable to other women.

Finally even if the above works you will probably end up losing her again. And the reason is that you are a BETA male, you are too nice, too supportive and too available. It's time you man up and stop being so nice, unless of course you rather be nice and be treated like sh*t by every woman who gets into a relationship with you.

 

[hungary1234]

should i send a goodbye text or anything so she doesnt think i hate her guts?

I understand its been a while now...but shes hoovers pretty hard when i send a goodbye text like i have then she tries to suck me back in by sob stories.

I know that creates panic in her? and ideas what to say? or just ignore?

 

[crazyboy]

bruh run i mean run so far change your number sell your house burn your house get your car go 90 miles in opposite directions. Also again with yall men messing younger if you going mess with a younger chick hit it and keep it when start acting up quit it.


DONT TALK TO HER DONT TEXT HER DONT BE IN HER LIFE THE CHILD NOT YOURS FCK THE CHILD YEAH I KNOW HURTS STILL NOT YOUR PROBLEM. AND RUN THIS WOMAN IS A NUTCASE AND NOW YOU WANT TO PLAY DR PHIL. WE IN THE WORLD CAUSE THIS B!TCH MADE BEHAVIOR OR CAPTAIN SAVE HOE. LET HER ASS DROWN AND GO OWN WITH YOUR LIFE NEXT

 

[Fugitive]

@crazyboy you're right but he's not going to listen to that because he's hooked on her. He needs to start dating other women and gradually come to a neutral position where by he has options and the mental single mother isn't his only option.

@hungary1234 don't send a goodbye text just ignore her. If she chases you, by that I mean several texts/calls then tell her "I need space" and you are dating other women. Then ignore her again. If she freaks out and begs you to come back to her then it's your call if you want to respond. If you do it's an opportunity for you to set a boundary e.g. tell her if she goes out with other guys then you'll leave her. The key is that the person who is willing to leave is the person who controls the relationship.

But as crazyboy has said this girl doesn't seem like a great catch for you so it would be wise for you to date other women and seriously think about if she's worth all your trouble.

 

[hungary1234]

Cheers for that...

Yeah crazy boy is right I know but I want to have another go...I think she just needs a strong man and she has daddy issues...

Everyone says i dont deserve her and she will prob have a fckn **** life by the looks of things and it makes me kinda upset cos deep down shes a good person but broken...and her kid will have a tough time with all theses "daddies"

I might need more of your advice again soon!!! lol

 

[hungary1234]

do you have good examples of how to treat women like this in r/s by the way??

 

[Twodogs]

I'm with crazyboy mate.
I dated a BPD for about 3 months, 36yo (I'm 38) she had 3 kids to two different fathers, all of the same type of behavior you describe above.
You could very well end up being Daddy no. 2 with your kids ending up with a string of men in their lives.
Remember you are not responsible for her happiness.
Mine knew what she had and was in therapy for it but still couldn't keep her emotions under control.
They will chew you up, I was staring to doubt my own sanity after 3 months and a bloke before me nearly ended his life after living with her for a year.
Run for sure, work on your own issues and start dating healthy women.
Life's too short.

 

[hungary1234]

I understand that its crazy to even think about this..I know what im up for i really do.

I have heard of some success stories but id have to change myself and the way i interact with her.

Anyone had any luck with this type of situatuaion or some luck?

 

[hungary1234]

haha come on guys I know but like i said she didnt really bother me that much..
is it possible to be able to just not let her **** get to you?
how come sociopaths can do this? become immune to her games and bs?

 

[Greasy Pig]

OP, just sit back and take stock here:
- she's a ho. Pure and simple. Got knocked up to a deadbeat when she was 19; seduced you and lured you into being the child's new dad; hooked up with her baby daddy's best friend; admits to being a slvt on the booze; claims (note: CLAIMS) to have gotten pregnant by you and "miscarried".

- she sees you as a beta provider, not some strong figure who'll pull her into line. If she was passionately in love with you and grateful for your sacrifices, there's no way in hell she'd treat you how she is.

- she's severely damaged goods. If you have any sense of self esteem or value your quality of life, you would run and thank your lucky stars you were able to get out.

Don't be this skank's white knight. She's a trash woman whom you've pedestalised and made out to be this flawed little flower who will blossom with your undying devotion.

I'm not going to give you advice on how to get back with her because you're better off without her.
Stories like this just make me angry, frustrated and sad.

Leave her alone, work on yourself and your own self image and find a more worthy woman. Chasing this trash is a fool's errand which will end in complete disaster.

 

[hungary1234]

but what if i did change myself? what if i can become someone to pull her in line? because thats what i will practice if i get another shot..
she knows she will not find anyone else who will take her in like i did..she has major baggage and she knows this..
I just want to know will she realise this though and try to come back when i cut her off??

 

[BadNews]

She broke up with you. She is not yours. Everything you're going on about is absolutely pointless because you're not with her. STOP! Do yourself a favor and forget about it. Right now she is gone and not coming back. The only thing you should be focusing on is yourself, your life, your passions, and moving on. That's it! Give your head a shake bud.

 

[christoff522]

Be her friend. Detach, the relationship with this guy will end. She will come to you for support. You fvck her, and there you go you recycle again.

You just need to learn to not care. Its hard!! But you can do it.

Date on the side, never mention it to her though, its all for YOUR mindset, it will help you to care a bit less, and it will show, and its more likely to 'increase your value' as someone else said.

Focus on yourself, what you can do. If you present yourself as someone she can trust and confide in, it will make things easier. These are NOT normal girls, they don't work that way, they don't want total alphas because they can't control them, but if you get her hooked on you as a friend, invite her over sometimes and just hang out, every time you hang out she will...seriously now..she will try and seduce you. They can't help it.

 

[GS750]

Be her friend. Detach, the relationship with this guy will end. She will come to you for support. You fvck her, and there you go you recycle again.

You just need to learn to not care. Its hard!! But you can do it.

Date on the side, never mention it to her though, its all for YOUR mindset, it will help you to care a bit less, and it will show, and its more likely to 'increase your value' as someone else said.

Focus on yourself, what you can do. If you present yourself as someone she can trust and confide in, it will make things easier. These are NOT normal girls, they don't work that way, they don't want total alphas because they can't control them, but if you get her hooked on you as a friend, invite her over sometimes and just hang out, every time you hang out she will...seriously now..she will try and seduce you. They can't help it.

This is solid advice...if you want her back. My BPD ex tried to keep me in her life even though she was dating someone new. I walked and never talked to her again. I blocked her for my own sanity. But if you want to get back with her this is your best course of action. BPD chicks always recycle exes. You're just setting yourself up for more drama getting re-involved with a BPD woman that you should be walking away from for your own good. Sometimes you gotta learn the hard way I guess.

 

[skinnyguy]

This is why I blame men for BPD behavior.

They know that they can get away with it and you'll come crawling back to them.

 

[GS750]

I agree to an extent. But if you don't go back to them they have no problem finding someone else to latch onto. BPD chicks have other guys waiting in the wings, just in case you fvck up. They cannot be alone. They are empty inside and always need someone to fill that void.


http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm

 

[christoff522]

Just want to point out, the only reason I said what I said was because so long as you think you can get them back, you'll never move on, you have to recycle and continually suffer so that eventually you can realise that its not worth it.

What I said in my previous post... it can't be done.