Can a woman from a rich family adjust to a lower std of living and still be happy?

[kman1]

My gf comes from a rich family and we had a huge fight today. After arguing about something small, it snowballed and next thing I know, we started talking about how much money I spend on her. A few weeks ago I went into my savings to buy her a birthday vacation (over $2,000), but after that I asked her if I could take her out less until her trip because I am tight on money. So, during our argument, she says that I "didn't really get her a gift" because I used what we were "not spending" these last few weeks to pay for her trip. I then asked her if I made enough for her, and she said that I was lower than her "standard". I had always worried about this (her parents are loaded), but it wasn't until today that she actually said it.

So, as you might expect, I dumped her on the spot and really let her have it. I haven't screamed so loud at someone in years, and maybe that was bad but I was so mad that she didn't appreciate my vacation present. She apologized and begged for me back. She was really groveling because she knew how awful what she said was. She said it would never happen again and that she doesn't care about money, she just wants to be with me. I eventually accepted her apology after she said took full responsiblity and begged and begged.

Regardless of how she feels right now (which is very guilty)....this is a deeper issue. This isn't a normal squabble if you ask me. I even told her that this would be on the back of my mind forever, even after forgiving her. Call it petty, but we all know if it was the other way ("honey, you're not very pretty but you're nice so I stay with you"), she would NEVER forget it. So I don't feel so bad about dwelling.

Here's the thing. I don't think she is a terrible person. Really, I don't. I have to give her credit for groveling and admitting her faults. If she were really a princess, it'd be over. My problem is....now what do I do? I would stay with her if I felt that she could really change and just be happy with me, but I don't know if that's going to happen. Also, I don't want her to have a miserable life because I can't provide what her daddy can. I do care about her and she should be happy too.

If you were me, what would you do? Also, if you know of anyone in this situation, have you ever seen a happy ending?

 

[Unbridled_Phoenix]

Until you're rich, you'll never be "good" enough for her. And despite your recent fireworks, this subject has not even begun to rear its ugly head. If you were to ask her to marry you, then you get to hear from mom and dad how you aren't good enough for little Buffy. I dated a rich girl too, it sucks because they can be highly attractive women but there is always an 800 pound gorilla in the room wearing a t-shirt with a dollar sign on it.

I'd keep banging this one but look around for another and then dump her ass.

 

[02hero]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPesKyIhGZg&feature=related

 

[Slickster]

Well in my opinion you did some things right and some things wrong.

I like how you stood up for yourself but don't think you should've lost your cool. I also like that you are now aware of some serious issues here and not burying your head in the sand. I'm not sure taking her back was right either.

Sadly I think some pretty bad things have happened here.

1. She disrespected you. Once a woman disrespects you like this and you take her back it's pretty much a given that the relationship is over. She will quickly lose all respect for you because you've shown her that you do not respect yourself by letting her walk over you. She will disrespect you again in the future. There is no use trying to salvage the relationship at this point. It will die a slow painful death at best and you might as well save yourself some time.

2. You lost your cool. I'm not sure how bad you lost it on her but I'm sure she'll never forget it. It makes you look bad and will probably come back to haunt you in the future. Once again in terms of respect.

3. It's out in the open now. There is obviously a big difference between you two in terms of money and now its out there. This is something that could irk both of you for a long long time. She is obviously more than a little spoiled to ever even think that someone didn't spend enough on HER gift! What kind of person would really allow themselves to say that? This is a huge red flag for you.

4. She cried and snivelled and begged and finally got her way. Is this something she's been doing her whole life? Does her daddy give in when she cries too? You will probably start seeing her in a different light now too. Tough to respect a spoiled brat.

In summary I think this one is already over whether you like it or not. That's a tough one bro sorry! At least you saw that side of her now.

 

[Hooligan Harry]

Sorry mate.

Looks and dominance get you tail, but security and the ability to provide are additional qualities you need to possess to keep a woman that has options or has become accustomed to a particular type of lifestyle. A girl from a wealthy background cares little for money early in her life. Its as she gets older that it becomes more important. Its important to all of them and her expectations will probably be close to what she grew up with.

Here is the classic example of a fella that got the poon, and the poon likes him enough to hand it over on a short term basis, but long term prospects are bleak because the total package is not up to her standards

Honestly kman? She is waiting for the bigger, better deal. No doubt she likes you or she would not have resorted to begging. You know deep down what she is expecting. Either meet those expectations or start looking around.

 

[squirrels]

What is it, like 90% of couples' fights are over money?

In this case, I'm willing to bet it was in the context of the argument...she was digging for something to make her seem more righteous/take a stab at your manhood...and you did well to put her in her place.

Just keep an eye on it...see if she's sincere or not. But don't worry about it. "Asking permission" to be a little light on treating her because you were saving for a gift is like "asking permission" to kiss her...it indicates that YOU see it as being inappropriate, so she, as the woman, will follow your lead that you are not providing sufficiently for her.

Don't let your insecurities sabotage your relationship. Are YOU happy with the money you're pulling? F*ck what she thinks...if it's not enough for HER, then as you said, she can GIDDOUT.

 

[kman1]

Thanks for the responses guys.

Alright, I figure I can take one of 3 approaches here -

1. End it cordially. Tell her that I don't believe she will ever be happy with me and save time for both of us. We are both older.

2. Wait and see. Be nice to her, continue to do what I was doing, and see if her attitude changes. She said that she would never forget our argument because it makes her feel awful, and she said she will change her personality for me. I can give her a chance.

3. Put her to the test. Basically, spend even less money on her and see if she has the right attitude.

1 might be the smartest thing but I love her so it's tough. 2 seems ok but I am concerned that if I just go back to being super nice to her, she will go back to being a spoiled brat. 3 is ok as well, but I already accepted her apology so it just seems cruel. However, 3 may be necessary because I am thinking of marriage and I really have to know that she has changed.

Thoughts? Also, if you have a 4 that is better than my 1-3, please post. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

 

[Bible_Belt]

she gets what the money never bought her, a happy home life and lots of love.


That reminds me of my high school girlfriend. Her dad owned banks and was the richest guy in town. He was also a miserable a55hole who was too cheap to heat his house in the winter. She married guy from Mississippi who was literally a ditch-digger with a GED (she is a university professor.) They have been together about ten years now, have a 2 y/o child, and at least appear to be quite happy.

 

[Trader]

Based on my experience, there are rich girls out there who will adjust to a lower standard of living, but that tends to be the exception, and not the rule.

Another poster made a great point, even if she is fine with it, her parents will give you hell for it because they always want the girl to *marry up.*

But I don't think it's so much about your standard of living right now, per se. It's about the expectation that, while you may not have money now, you better have the *potential* to make money and attain status and you damn better tap into it.

 

[Da Realist]

Let's be real: the reason most marriages end is because each person looks at money for security more than the person sleeping next to them. A lot of women are thinking the man is interchangible, but what matters is that the money stays the same. A woman can marry a millionaire, divorce him, marry the pool boy, and stay in control of the money and relationship.

The thing is that you have to give women who had everything handed to them something different from financial security and that is self-esteem and self-control. Which those two, you give her a real security that can't be taken away. I like fuzzx's story because it illustrates what has to happen. First, a woman has to be ready to make a change. Then you show her how to make things happen without waving a c-note in the air. She'll realize that the only standards of living are good or bad. As long as a person has healthy food, clean water, clothes, and good shelter, they are living good.

My advice is that if you think she is worth it, you need to get rid of your insecurity first. Sure she acted like a spoiled brat because you tried to give her something she could get from somewhere else and a lot more of it. You played her game knowing you weren't balling on her level. Instead, you have to get her to play your's. You alread brought her back down to earth, but you need a game plan on how you're going to keep her from floating off again and get her to plow the field so to speak while you're at it. The thing is to not treat her like a princess, but as a partner on YOUR team. Get her used to finding the simple pleaures in life. If she flat out refuses because she thinks she better than something just because of her background, leave her.

 

[Julian]

you are a first class sucker.

 

[Andy_Dufresne]

Speaking from experience, reps to fuzzx its one of the best responses I've seen on the subject and everyone else is missing the point.

Women from family money are an incredibly lucky find. Although surficially they may have "everything" but beneath it all there is this incredible insecurity to live up to the family name. It's the same insecurity that hot model types have...."lonely at the top." Their whole lives they have been the center of attention, this attention gets old fast, and in the background they CRAVE a normal lifestyle, and they CRAVE a man who will not be passive agressive and throw the family fortune in their face every five minutes.

kman, you can save this, it's easy.

1. Do NOT mention money. As little as possible.

2. If she comes back, ask her to do the little things. When she least expects it call her and have her make dinner. When you are on the couch order her to get you a beer. Make plans to catch a ball game with a friend last minute and blow her off from time to time.

3. I sound like a skipped CD here in my responses, but MAINTAIN THE FRAME. Be the leader, lead her.

4. Do the little things yourself. Leave stupid little stuffed animals or her favorite flower on her windshield when she leasts expects it. Text her a funny or a romantic passage when she leasts expects it.

5. You messed up, not her. How did you do this? You compromised and spent beyond your means and then you asked her to compromise in order to accept your gift. You forgot something here. With women it's the frequency and creativity, not the size of the gift that counts. Doesn't matter how much the family is worth, they all react the same.

6. All women have a magical money detector. Kind of like on "Married with Children...Peg and Kelly were wondering what a strange smell was in the Bundy house....they looked on the other side of the front door..."M-O-N-E-Y!". She knows how much you make, and what your income potential is, and always will. She knew this after ten minutes of knowing you.

7. Don't spend beyond your means. She'll know every time.

8. Don't mess up again or I'll b^tch slap you.

 

[solwic]

My ex-wife's family was loaded, too, and I came from a more humble background. We lasted eight years, but her overwhelming obsession with money (and her long history of having everything she wanted) and my dismissal of it led us down the road to divorce, in the end.

That's not to say it can never work, but in my experience, it's hard. You're not just talking about money here, you're talking about social class (which is defined by money).

It's a tough situation to read. Whatever you do, be careful.

 

[MattS]

money matters on both ends. I come from a well to do family and Ive dated girls that were poor. It was actually annoying cause they were broke all the time and couldnt have nice things or do fun things. Sure its the same for a rich girl. They want a man to hang with them. And yes its social status which is what most girls respond too anyways. I dated this chick for a tiny bit and her dad was worth 20 million no joke. My parents have some loot but nothing close to that. When I was hanging with her I was like fvck I feel like nothing and i def could have not hung with her and her family. They had some crazy sh1t like 20 cars tickets to every sporting event front row etc. Meanwhile Im like good thing i drive a nice girl otherwise this girl wouldnt wanna be seen amongst her social peers. anyways I could never see her dating a dude from a lower social class atleast marry them.

 

[white sox bill]

To answer your question: With a few exceptions, I'd say no, they are used to a standard and most aren't willing to comprimise that. Love may be fine but it won't pay the bills.

I dated a hot rich gal for almost 5 yrs. Every motel we stayed in, she had to inspect the room beforehand(even though I assured her), whenever we went out, she always checked my wallet(What your only bringing $40? How are we supposed to drink all night on $40?) and whatever eatery we went to, she had to mull the menu before we sat down...like I said, she had small waist, big breasts and was good looking. But her "Princess" attitude negated all the above. Good ridance..

 

[Andy_Dufresne]

To answer your question: With a few exceptions, I'd say no, they are used to a standard and most aren't willing to comprimise that. Love may be fine but it won't pay the bills.

I dated a hot rich gal for almost 5 yrs. Every motel we stayed in, she had to inspect the room beforehand(even though I assured her), whenever we went out, she always checked my wallet(What your only bringing $40? How are we supposed to drink all night on $40?) and whatever eatery we went to, she had to mull the menu before we sat down...like I said, she had small waist, big breasts and was good looking. But her "Princess" attitude negated all the above. Good ridance..

My response to the $40...."there's the door.... don't let it hit you on the ass on your way out. Have fun!"

Why was she digging thru your wallet anyway? My g/f wouldn't dare do that.

This is a classic case of a woman sh^t testing you to death. This can happen whether she is rich or poor, smoking hot or butt ugly. Having been in the same situations as the above you need to fight fire with fire. Every time.

One example I recall - the last loaded one (it didn't last b/c I moved) made a comment about how she was eating Thanksgiving dinner, she looked at her family, and thought to herself how messed up they were. My comment back was "what makes you think they all weren't thinking the same thing about you?"

Again, women have the innate ability to smell money. It is in their DNA. Therefore it's only human nature that a lot of quality women are involved with family money. Family money skews them in the same sense that model quality looks would. But our end game should be the same no matter what, as fuzzx clearly is illustrating.

 

[white sox bill]

My response to the $40...."there's the door.... don't let it hit you on the ass on your way out. Have fun!"

Why was she digging thru your wallet anyway? My g/f wouldn't dare do that.

This is a classic case of a woman sh^t testing you to death. This can happen whether she is rich or poor, smoking hot or butt ugly. Having been in the same situations as the above you need to fight fire with fire. Every time.

One example I recall - the last loaded one (it didn't last b/c I moved) made a comment about how she was eating Thanksgiving dinner, she looked at her family, and thought to herself how messed up they were. My comment back was "what makes you think they all weren't thinking the same thing about you?"

Again, women have the innate ability to smell money. It is in their DNA. Therefore it's only human nature that a lot of quality women are involved with family money. Family money skews them in the same sense that model quality looks would. But our end game should be the same no matter what, as fuzzx clearly is illustrating.

Good comeback on the T-Day thing. My ex GF never physically went thru my wallet, but she would ask me how much I had. She knew I was a bit tight. In restuarants, she would look at what I tipped the waitress, which I always contributed at least the standard 15%, and at times would tell me to chip in more. I would tell her to chip in the difference. That usually shut her up or started a fight.

God am I glad those days are over. But not to hijack, my answer remains same--No, they seem to hold you to same standard Mommy and Daddy has.

 

[ChumpNoMore]

While she might be into you for non financial reasons, expect that there will always be tremendous pressure from her family and friends to find a man who measures up to the standards she and her circle are accustomed to, and the resulting criticism of you. Not insurmountable but a definite disadvantage.

 

[Andy_Dufresne]

While she might be into you for non financial reasons, expect that there will always be tremendous pressure from her family and friends to find a man who measures up to the standards she and her circle are accustomed to, and the resulting criticism of you. Not insurmountable but a definite disadvantage.

True, but in all cases you only have to answer to HER.

Not her family or friends.

It's a rare relationship where the family and friends of the other partner do not drive you completely insane. That's true no matter how much money is involved.

Women find it most attractive when the man speaks his mind. If her friends annoy you, say so. An outright "Your mother ****ing annoys me." said in private under the correct circumstances goes a long way. Women respect it when you are incredibly blunt like this, it means you have the balls to risk the relationship.

Check Rodney Dangerfield in "Easy Money."

It's all a case of what you think you can handle. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen, but a lot of times what women on these levels admire is that you are the type of guy who can put up with their sh^t and occassionally suck it up with the family.

 

[Deniska]

Every person is different.

Lets take my mother for example. She grew up dirt poor in a small town, spent half her life in a foster home. Married my father simply because his father was a top politician, thus she thought my father will bring wealth and fame in to her life. Instead, my father was just a simple Electronic Engineer, made enough money to be happy and have all the basic things that a family needs and plus some. So my mother left him because he wanted a simple life.

After we came to this country she married a successful attorney, but she left him right after she became a citizen and made her first million on her own in the process.

She has good taste and she has high class like the Queen of England. She can spend a million a day with out blinking an eye.
But to this day, none of her relationships ever worked out, simply because she needs to have a man in her life who makes more money then her and spends all of it on her as well.


In your situation, your woman has apologized several times over and wanted to get back with you.. thats a plus. My mother, dumped every poor and cheap guy at the beat of a heart.

You still have a good chance to have a great ltr, but for the time being, you need to put your foot down and watch her "rich girl" behavior very closely.

Next time you talk to her, talk to her calmly and rationally. Tell her that this life style of being "poor" is something she needs to accept in a long run, other wise show her the door and let her decide to walk out.



Now lets take a past relationship of two of my friends as an example.

She comes from wealthy family, hard working girl but rotten spoiled by her parrents.
He comes from a good family, has a good job and makes good money, working for a great petroleum company that is owned by his step father.

After a year, she left him because he wasnt going any where in life.


One question that you have to ask your self, if in her past relationships she dated only guys with money.