Can a man really escape his anti social past?

[backbreaker]

Can you really outrun your past?


If you were a nerd all through school that never was very social, do you really think that reading an online forum and some books and paying for someone to tell you to wear purple suits and nail polish is gonna make you social, is gonna make up for 20 ****ing years of anti social behavior?



I'll be 32 in less than a month and the story I was told when I was in my 20's is that yeah man, work hard and work hard and at the end of the day the bar sluts and girls that treated you like **** would wish they could date you when you were 30.


But the reality is, it doesn't work like that. It somewhat works like that, but not really.


The guy who makes something of himself or who has whatever the **** he didn't have when he was younger that kept him getting *****, is lacking 30 ****ing years of social skills that is necessary to deal with women, so what he usually does is hold on to dear life to the first girl that gives him a look, married, divorced whatever.


Me and my old business partner is a great analogy / example. I was smart, I was in smart people classes, around smart people, i worked hard, but I never was what you would classify as a "nerd". By anyone's definition other than ghetto black kids lol. I played basketball, I hung out with everyone, i dated, i always was fly as hell lol, and while I never applied myself like most of my counterparts, i didn't do BAD per say, my mom would beat the black off of me.. better stated, i did just enough to not get my ass whipped and to not be grounded, but not so much to where i couldn't have fun lol. I was a classic 3 C's and 3B's and an A student. I mean WTF you go do ground me for having a 76 in a class lol? screw you you try AP chemistry lol. not good enough to get a full ride into college but good enough to when i asked my dad for his jeep on a friday night to go on a date / football game hey couldn't say anything.


That was classic backbreaker in high school. Just a ****ing nough lol. when i was in 11th grade I had what.. lit, biology, biology lab, world history, art history, calculus 5 ap classes, and worked at a steak house, at the waffle house and at mc donalds, becuase i liked to ****ing dress and go places. I had a honda accord with at least a 2 thouand dollar sound system in it before my other friends had cars. But I worked for it. Always kept 5-7 pairs of shoes, jordans, timberlands, always had money in my pocket. I wasn't intimated by smart people, i was smart too and in the classes i gave a **** about like history i kept A's, i was first chair second violin from the time i was in the 8th grade til i gave it up in 12th. But i never tried hard enough to where it would seriously impact my social life. I got along with people, i dated. I knew how to talk to people, i had a real social life. You would NEVER catch me at home playing video games or some **** on a tuesday night my curfew was 10 and i would come home at 9:55 every ****ing night lol.


My business partner. I'm not afraid to say this, that dude was smarter than me. he's a ****ing chemical engineer lol. but he wasn't very popular. he didn't get out. never talked to people. he had a hot sister and the only people that ever talked to him were people trying to get to his sister.


when we started to have our social lives back so to speak it wasn't a hard transition for me. in a few months i was on dates, kicking with friends, doing it. Dude just.. he never got there. What tripped me out is dude is handsome as hell no homo i'm like dude just go out and talk to people **** dude lol you look better than me lol stop being so damn creepy. you're a catch lol.


he never new how. it's not something you can just "cut on". being social is learned behavior. you have to learn how to be social and anyone that has gone this long without being social, is not gonna learn how to be social. I think that's a lie we tell ourselves. You have to be social to date.


The thing that women, in particular my wife like about me is that i'm really funny, not funny i got jokes funny but i'm just a funny dude. I can make my wife laugh, I can make my son laugh. I can make women I just meet laugh, at least smile lol, pretty quickly. i know how to make people laugh. Always have. I wasn't born with a "funny gene". That comes from years of social conditioning where i wasn't the best looking guy (but not ugly") nor the most popular or best athlete or the smartest and i had to get a seat at the table somehow. I was cute, I always dressed nice and I was funny / fun to be around. That was my mojo lol. it worked. I could make people laugh. I was the guy that the girl set by in class becuase he would have her rolling in class and after a few months next thing you know we're going out to eat and **** and next thing you know we're kissing and **** and she's my GF and you're like how the **** did that happen lol (so am i lol). Rarely did a girl just look at me and say damn that dude is so damn fine i have to have him. ti has happened, but 80% of my "kills" were dude you're funny/ you're crazy so when i get the girls number they don't hesitate to give it to me becuase i would have them laughing on the phone, etc. I was everyone's wingman in HS. Anytime anyone had a double date i was the auto wingman lol. I made good dates great lol. It's a skillet that in retrospect took YEARS to hone and has served me well as an adjusted adult as I talk to people all day and dealing with friends and women.


There was this classic nerd I "grew up with" in school from 5th grade til we graduated high school, I'm gonna you a shout out David. David was a ****ing mad genius. not smart. not intelligent. like mensa level ****ing smart. One day we were talking, he didn't have any friends and i told him i had never beaten the 2nd super mario brothers and the dude literally drew me a map of the level i couldn't beat that was ****ing pixel perfect FROM MEMORY. dude did this in like a 55 min class period. and the **** worked lol. dude showed me where ****ing mushrooms and **** were gonna be at i beat that level in like 5 mins lol. but no social skills whatsoever. literally wore the same thing everyday.


I will bet my entire bank account on 2 things right now. 1. david is running some **** somewhere. 2. David is still a virgin lol.


There is no ****ing book, there is no workout plan, no seminar no forum that you can give david that is going to teach him how to talk to people and be normal because that's just **** he's missed out on. he's never gonna be normal social guy. His brain is too analytically driven to even think like that. Unless dude is like a vice president at google or some ****, which honestly, wouldn't surprise me one bit lol, and he has women throwing ***** at him from behind his desk, and even then he would probably much rather dissect than than **** it lol, he isn't getting any


I guess what I am trying to say in a very long winded way is, are there some of us men that are just, too ****ed up to ever be normal? ARe there some things that just can't be undone? like we talk about women trauma. Like a woman who got abused by parents or some **** or molested by some older guy or something is probably gonna be ****ed up for live and not trust people. Is there a male equivalent to that? are there guys so out of the loop, so anti social, they can never be social?

 

[The_flying_dutchman]

Damn, bruh, are you trying to write a novel?

I didn't read all that but I would say yes, you can outrun your anti-social past.

I was a stuttering, socially-awkward and now I'm socially savvy whenever the situation arises...

I would actually say I'm grateful for my social enneptness when I was young because it actually PREVENTED me from getting in with all those dumba$s kids that were getting high/drunk and never went to college...

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

Social skills are SKILLS. And like any other skill, you'll get better if you practice. CONSISTENTLY.

Most are just too lazy to put the work in. Doesn't mean it's not possible.

Also, many guys think "game" or any social related skill is something you can pick up on a forum or something. Takes a lot of work.

Strangely, nobody expects to become a virtuoso violinist in a weekend seminar.

 

[zekko]

Yeah, if you want to build social skills, you have to practice. I was kind of socially awkward when I was growing up, so at a certain point I totally threw myself into building my social skills. I took every opportunity, went to every party I could think of, any event I could get myself invited to, all just so I could practice being social and being cool.

But a guy who has had 30 years of being a virgin, and not socializing? Sure, that guy can change, but he has a big uphill battle in front of him. He has 30 years of wiring in his head that all needs rerouted. Maybe he'll succeed, but maybe he won't.

Strangely, nobody expects to become a virtuoso violinist in a weekend seminar.

Lol, great point.

 

[HoneyHitter]

The majority of people don't put any effort into anything at all. They just want to pass "the test" and then completely stop learning. Whether it's business, driving, cooking, shooting, playing an instrument... anything.

I'm into playing music and what I notice is that most people stop growing after they reach their first milestone. And almost certainly after the second milestone.

They just keep repeating the same songs, tricks or techniques and stop learning new ones. And they usually hate on those who are better than them instead of pushing themselves to be better. They could be playing for 20 years, but really don't make any progress after the first 3 years.

Just keeping going or go even harder after you reached a "decent" level of anything. It's a mindset.

Not complaining, though. Lazy people only make it easier for me.

 

[Obsidian]

I wasn't very social in high school, other than the fact that I would try to be nice to people even if others looked down on them. I was (and still am) basically a nerd. I completely changed, starting in the beginning of college, to become way more social than the average guy, through intentional effort. Usually when I tell people now (especially girls) that I am shy by nature, they have trouble believing me because I have changed so much. Also, I am a lawyer now which requires outgoing and bold behavior.

 

[ubercat]

C'mon just going to sports for a year and keeping the conversation on them would get u a couple of friends. Then OLD for game training wheels. 2 years max he d have a life and a honey. Of course she ain't gonna b a 9

 

[backbreaker]

david playing sports rotfl. i haven't laughed that hard all year. yeah no.

imagine that dude from the IT crowd.. but shorter, more uncoordinated and even more anti social

 

[mangotot]

Man. I was trying to read but lost interest because it is just fvck ing way to long. Can you summarise your point?

 

[Yewki]

Man. I was trying to read but lost interest because it is just fvck ing way to long. Can you summarise your point?

Long story short, the OP captivates everyone around him with his charm and humor. Everybody loves him and he's a great guy to be around. He is... the most interesting man in the world. He is humble enough to admit though that he is not like really really, ridiculously good looking or anything. Just "cute".

Oh and he has some friends who don't have good social skills or something.

 

[Alvafe]

david playing sports rotfl. i haven't laughed that hard all year. yeah no.

imagine that dude from the IT crowd.. but shorter, more uncoordinated and even more anti social

i'm from IT crowd, course I always said I was teh strange one in the crowd,I like a debate, i'm a martial artist, skydiving, I like sports, and normally I put fear in bullys during my school years.

but what get me was dealing with people is tiresome, too much lieing, too much faking to fit in, after sometime you learn how to deal it the best and in the end you just say fu.ck it, gonna stop trying to fit in and let then fit to me.

course it don't was not something that fast or easy to work on. if you really want to help your friend and he is willing do change start to push him to go to do anything gym, swinming, bowling, even playing magic or warhammer with other nerds if he is that much afraid.

like people said skills are something you need to practice, but like any skill you also need to be willing to learn it and make a effort to master it

 

[backbreaker]

Long story short, the OP captivates everyone around him with his charm and humor. Everybody loves him and he's a great guy to be around. He is... the most interesting man in the world. He is humble enough to admit though that he is not like really really, ridiculously good looking or anything. Just "cute".

Oh and he has some friends who don't have good social skills or something.

i was cute in high school. i'm pretty damn good looking now that i work out lol


I have a lot of faults but lack of confidence is not one of them lol. the thing is, it's not a faced. if anything i'm worse in person lol. i'm pretty quiet in real life but i'm pretty ****y. i don't know if it's a character trait, i don't know it's just something that i've internalized but i'm really really ****y borderline arrogant. you know how people say "would you date the person in the mirror" i would rape the person i see in the mirror lol. sometimes when i get out the shower and i look in the mirror i'm like god damn i'm hot as **** lol.


if there is one thing my wife does not like about me, that's it. she likes the fact that i'm sure of myself and confident and **** but i honestly think i'm better than people. and i don't think it's something i need to "work on". **** it some people are just better at life than others . i'm not a very humble person. but women dig it.

 

[Mike32ct]

It depends on how long it goes on. There is a huge range. We have the "late bloomers" who didn't date at 17 lol. Then we might have some 35 yo guy who is still socially awkward and lost his virginity to a hooker lol. The prognosis depends a lot on how early you recognize and treat the "problem." Even then, I don't think it goes away 100 percent.

The other issue is, plenty of "nerds" don't want to or see the need to "fix" themselves. Other than the women/dating situation, the rest of his life might be ok, and he might be ok with that. So it's a personal decision.

I never sought to become a "natural." I just try to suppress the awkwardness enough to remain "highly functional."

To "become a natural" in the PUA sense would mean forcing myself to become an extrovert. I have nothing against extroverts per se. Many are very good people and friends of mine. But from the perspective of an introvert, they seem so TRYHARD, and it's irritating lol.

 

[Mike32ct]

Disagree with this, i don't think an introvert can really become an extrovert but if you have L/M/S and your only real flaw was game/nerd/too shy then catchup is quite simple. In fact, sometime it is even more simple since you still have some "nice guy" vibe to lure quality women as well as the game to at least get your foot in the door with the trash. I get called a player all the time, sometimes its probably them stroking my ego but sometimes real.

Understood. I'm staying an introvert. I don't think an introvert can become a real extrovert either. My point is that the PUA community tries to push this "introvert to extrovert conversion" instead of telling the guy to accept his introvert side and focus on LMS, which would work better.

 

[zekko]

some people are just better at life than others

I feel like I have been good at setting up my life the way I want it. To a large extent, it is set up just the way I want it. Things are set up to benefit me and my interests. However, that doesn't mean that it is set up in a way that chicks are necessarily going to dig, if that makes sense. The girls that like me are going to like me, and the girls that aren't going to, aren't. Maybe it's kind of like that with the nerds. They hav ethings that interest them, that they are passionate about, but those things may not necessarily attract girls. Does that mean they shouldn't do them?

I'm staying an introvert. I don't think an introvert can become a real extrovert either.

Speaking as an introvert, I have no interest in being an extrovert. I can be very social and outgoing at times, however. And when I was pushing it, in my 20s, I was about as social as anyone could be, and spinning plates like a mofo.

Some people look down on introverts and think they are weak, but I think extroverts are weak. Because to a large extent, they are more dependent on other people, for their energy and their happiness.

 

[logicallefty]

Yes, you can break out of your past, but you are going to break some relationships along the way. And that's not necessarily a bad thing.. My own observation:

If you've always been alpha from the time your mother popped you out to the world, people expect that if you and anyone you know who associates with you now is OK with that because that's the you they know. If they didn't like it you wouldn't be associated with them now..

ON THE OTHER HAND, if you were beta at one time like I was and then changed to be more alpha like, it will be sticker shock for many people in your life. The people who truly care about you will walk with you and stick by you. But others will give you grief about it and/or disown you. That is because that's not the you they are accustom to. Thus they don't like the new you because the old you who always took their cr@p was much easier for them to be around and push their own agenda and get stuff from you. It's a selfish thing. The new you who is better at the game of life than them now and the new you who calls them out on their cr@p and has the b@ll to say NO makes them feel insecure and pi$$ed off that you won't bend over for them anymore and they don't like it..

My summary.. Walk with me or find the exit, I really don't care which. Pick one. :kick:

 

[BetterCallSaul]

I read the cliffs notes instead of the wall of text crying about whatever. Let me say this at least....I'm an introverted person. I have the same core personality now that I had when I was a teenager. The difference between myself now and myself then is that I at least recognize I have that type of personality but more importantly I know that if I try to put a little effort in being more social with people they tend to reciprocate fairly easily. For an introverted person this is like discovering some hidden treasure that you never knew existed.

 

[Boilermaker]

BB - nice article, but Anti-Social isn't what you think it means.

Anti-Social is a specific term with a specific meaning, and doesn't just mean "Unsocial".

I hope all is well,
All the best,