Calling her on lack of transparency - availability

[joker79]

Hi bros, a question from me: the girl i'm dating (not yet gone intimate but now really close) is giving me mixed signals only on the weekends. I can see her every day and she's completely into me. just learned she has a bf but apparently she's not that into him, she never mentions him to me, she's hanging out with "friends". I kept things light and funny so far but I'm getting a little bit nervous now.
I tried to set up a date for the weekend, was ok until friday and then she flaked. she's not rescheduling it probably due to the presence of the bf (my thought, dunno the reality). during the week instead she will be available. Shall I call her on this? she probably doesn't know that i know she has a bf, I just don't wanna waste my time and check whether I should invest on her or drop the plate. Any thought? thanks bros

 

[marmel75]

Weekends are for picking up new chicks...weekdays are for meeting and smashing...if she has a bf she has to see him sometime right? Cmon bro, don't overthink this one...
I wouldn't schedule a date with a new chick on the weekend unless u are already fvcking...

Exactly what are you "calling her on"? Her spending time with her bf?? Really?

 

[JohnChops]

Hi bros, a question from me: the girl i'm dating (not yet gone intimate but now really close) is giving me mixed signals only on the weekends. I can see her every day and she's completely into me. just learned she has a bf but apparently she's not that into him, she never mentions him to me, she's hanging out with "friends". I kept things light and funny so far but I'm getting a little bit nervous now.
I tried to set up a date for the weekend, was ok until friday and then she flaked. she's not rescheduling it probably due to the presence of the bf (my thought, dunno the reality). during the week instead she will be available. Shall I call her on this? she probably doesn't know that i know she has a bf, I just don't wanna waste my time and check whether I should invest on her or drop the plate. Any thought? thanks bros

Sounds like your headed to the friend zone or she just wants attention. She has a BF dude, she most likely thinks of you as a friend. Remember this, if a girl wants to be with you, she will move mountains to do so. The second bold there, you are just a friend. Call her out on what? For having a boyfriend and you trying to bang her but she has no time lol?

You said your getting nervous, why would you be nervous if you have options? Sounds like you also do not have other options and she is the only one. That would be the only reason to keep this "plate" and not drop her so she shatters into a million pieces from your memory. (too dramatic but it sounded cool).

Advice: easy, move on before you start to get attached to what you can't have and then we will be hearing from you again about how your in "love" (quoted because love isnt real."

Good luck .

 

[Iceberg]

As a general rule of thumb, I believe that you shouldn't take a girl seriously until you've had sex.

For instance, right now you want to "call her out"...but what is your argument? You're two adults whose concept of dating is what...kissing and holding hands? This idea of dating isn't any more advanced than two kids in elementary school. It's not like she owes you anything here (commitment, loyalty, etc).

If she's not getting any action out of this, why should she treat you seriously? And if she's not giving you what you want, then why get possessive?

If this girl is wasting your time, it's because you're letting her. I'll be damned if I'm gonna waste effort, energy and thought on some girl who I haven't had sex with yet.

Your best bet is to decrease the amount of attention you're giving her. Attention should be treated as a reward for her good behavior. And for the love of god, make a move. I'm assuming that the "79" in your name is for 1979...and if that's when you were born, then you're old enough to know that a relationship without sex is not a relationship. Both of you are free to pursue other people. If you want to make her yours...then make her yours.

 

[joker79]

Thanks bros, I'll take it light and try to be cool. She has a bf but she's hiding him from me, she never mentions him, never ever. I would call on her behaviour saying: "if you're not available on the weekend, how can we understand if we are good mates and have sex (maybe not so straighforward)? Regarding the frienzone, I'm quite sure I'm not in there as she mentioned her friends not me as her friend. I'll decrease attention and see what happens

 

[marmel75]

Thanks bros, I'll take it light and try to be cool. She has a bf but she's hiding him from me, she never mentions him, never ever. I would call on her behaviour saying: "if you're not available on the weekend, how can we understand if we are good mates and have sex (maybe not so straighforward)? Regarding the frienzone, I'm quite sure I'm not in there as she mentioned her friends not me as her friend. I'll decrease attention and see what happens

You don't get laid much do you?

 

[Trump]

Hi bros, a question from me: the girl i'm dating (not yet gone intimate but now really close) is giving me mixed signals only on the weekends. I can see her every day and she's completely into me. just learned she has a bf but apparently she's not that into him, she never mentions him to me, she's hanging out with "friends". I kept things light and funny so far but I'm getting a little bit nervous now.
I tried to set up a date for the weekend, was ok until friday and then she flaked. she's not rescheduling it probably due to the presence of the bf (my thought, dunno the reality). during the week instead she will be available. Shall I call her on this? she probably doesn't know that i know she has a bf, I just don't wanna waste my time and check whether I should invest on her or drop the plate. Any thought? thanks bros

You want to call a girl out for not being available? That doesn't make any sense. She hasn't put you down, she just doesn't like what you are offering.

You are great for this girl, gets her ego fed by you while her boyfriend treats her like crap and gets to have sex with her. Who wouldn't take that deal?

 

[DonJuanabe]

The only person you should call out is yourself. What are you doing? You're hanging out occasionally with a girl who 1) has a boyfriend and 2) has made it clear through her actions that she won't bang you. There is nothing to talk about with her. In fact, talking about things is the worst thing you can do with this girl. Just go NC and spin plates. Let her chase you if she finds herself missing you in which case her interest will increase.

 

[joker79]

thanks bros, i'll go NC and see what happens. the thing is that during the week she shows really high IL (last second availability, she invites me out, she plans for the weekends with me overtly) and during the weekend she flakes without telling me anything.

 

[The Gambler]

thanks bros, i'll go NC and see what happens. the thing is that during the week she shows really high IL (last second availability, she invites me out, she plans for the weekends with me overtly) and during the weekend she flakes without telling me anything.

This is not a good sign. NOT positive at all. I would let her "flake" once, just in case there was a mix-up in communication. But every weekend? It's pretty obvious she's making herself available to her "A team" guy on weekends.

We're all cringing as we read this.... Move on now, friend!

The Gambler

 

[joker79]

@gambler: yeah, it's more or less what I think. It's not a question of the A-guy, I think she can't say to the bf "sorry I'll spend my weekend with Joker". Yesterday I sent a txt to her and she told me she spent all day at home and it was a bad day, but again she didn't mention any bf-related stuff. During the week everything changes colour, I'm the A-guy, she's attracted to my ****y behaviour and kisses me, hugs me and so on (not yet sex damn!). She came to my flat too and we hung out together like a couple for more than one dinner. she seems really attracted but I'm sure that, if I called her during the weekend, she wouldn't aswer as she would have to answer some (reasonable) question from the bf. Just wondering if there's hope with this configuration (her unfaithful during the week) or it's just a waste of time

 

[Iceberg]

Joker, all I can say is, you've dedicated way too much time to a prospect that isn't escalating sexually.

Sex, with a woman who is attracted to you, normally happens fast. Like within Date#1 - Date#4. If it hasn't happened within that timeframe, then you've fallen into a comfort zone instead of an attraction zone.

Spending time at your flat. Dinner. Daily text/phone conversations.....this is stuff that is reserved for relationships. As in, boyfriend & girlfriend who are semi-committed and having sex. You've given her relationship treatment without asking her to give you anything in exchange.

So why should she escalate sexually? Why should she drop her boyfriend (or her other plates)? You've handed over all your bargaining chips and she hasn't had to give you anything aside from hugs and kisses.

You might be able to turn this around...I personally doubt it. I hate seeing guys in this situation because I've been here before too. You say things like this:

During the week everything changes colour, I'm the A-guy, she's attracted to my ****y behaviour and kisses me, hugs me and so on (not yet sex damn!). She came to my flat too and we hung out together like a couple for more than one dinner.

...and this just isn't how attraction works. Fundamentally. It just isn't. You can have all the hugs and dinners you want. She can laugh at your jokes, and appear attracted to your ****y behavior....BUT that is nothing to a girl. Sex is their big bargaining chip, and if she's not giving it up to you, then you're just an orbiter, helping her occupy her time until a better man comes along.

This of it this way...if she REALLY respected your value, why isn't she making any serious move to keep you around? If she thinks you're so awesome and such a catch, shouldn't she be escalating things to keep other girls from stealing you from her? Sex. Weekend dates. Whatever. She isn't doing it. In my world, this means that a woman thinks your value is so low that she can string you along without fear of losing you.

 

[joker79]

Thanks Iceberg, got the message. Actually I think we're had just 2 date so I still hope in something. But I understand this is not the right approach. Any suggestion on how to deal with her now? as I'll see her for sure next week

 

[joker79]

Update: I asked her directly, I wanted to understand the reason of mixed messages (always not a good thing), she told me she's single and that she broke up a LDR two months ago. now she wants to focus on her work and, as unfortunately we're working for the same company, she finds a relationship really difficult (I've never talked about a relationship anyway...) I kind of agreed on that but I've said that this was the reason i wanted to meet her on the weekend, out of work. then she wasn't unable to go on with the discussion and I dropped the argument as i wasn't able to get any useful feedback. Funny thing is that she keeps sending me lovely txts to which I reply generally in a ****y and funny manner. During the weekend she disappears (she's always busy with family and girlfriends). I think i'll back off now and wait to see what happens, i'm not gonna ask her out anymore, just will try to be cool. Opinions?

 

[Mantis Toboggan]

Update: I asked her directly, I wanted to understand the reason of mixed messages (always not a good thing),

Asking a woman questions like that is always the nail in the coffin. At least if you walked away with No Contact, she could be thinking that you had grown tired of her as well. Now you left her in control of the final outcome.

It's a mistake we all have made. But you should avoid it.

she told me she's single and that she broke up a LDR two months ago. now she wants to focus on her work and, as unfortunately we're working for the same company, she finds a relationship really difficult (I've never talked about a relationship anyway...)

A very long and complex way of saying that she's just not that into you.

I kind of agreed on that but I've said that this was the reason i wanted to meet her on the weekend, out of work. then she wasn't unable to go on with the discussion and I dropped the argument as i wasn't able to get any useful feedback. Funny thing is that she keeps sending me lovely txts to which I reply generally in a ****y and funny manner.

It seems like you're a bigger fan of your ****y and funny behavior than she is. My advice is, LESS ****y and funny with this girl and MORE time finding other girls.

During the weekend she disappears (she's always busy with family and girlfriends). I think i'll back off now and wait to see what happens, i'm not gonna ask her out anymore, just will try to be cool. Opinions?

Busy with family, girlfriends, and finding other guys.

And yes, obviously you shouldn't ask her out anymore. In fact, a smart man would stop texting her altogether. Since you're just rewarding her with attention and she's giving you nothing in return.

I'm probably the 5th guy to tell you this....find other women. You shouldn't be this caught up in a prospect who you've gone on 2 dates with.

 

[joker79]

i know mantis and agree. The only thing that frustrates me is that we didn't have only two dates, we usually see each other every day (not dates properly) and she tries to stay close to me, she sends lovely txts, she kisses me, she hangs out with me and so on. only an AW?

 

[JohnChops]

i know mantis and agree. The only thing that frustrates me is that we didn't have only two dates, we usually see each other every day (not dates properly) and she tries to stay close to me, she sends lovely txts, she kisses me, she hangs out with me and so on. only an AW?

She is keeping her orbiter around for her ego, and you keep falling into her trap. Why not lose this girl man, I dont want to see anyone go down the path to become a girls ego boosting orbiter.

 

[joker79]

update guys: got the girl, had sex and now she seems completely into me, she's making time for myself everyday. Just a little bit of persistance, went for my gut feeling and didn't next her immediately even if i was confused by her actions.