Busy LTR Material

[pandapanda]

Hey guys,

I'm a new poster but have learned a lot from the forum over the years.

Anyway, I'm in my late 20s and recently met a woman who I consider LTR potential. Been going out for a couple months. We're the same age, she went to great schools, has a strong family, healthy relationship with her father, a very good heart, loves kids, and she can't keep her hands off of me (and she keeps her hands off other guys). It helps that she's cute.

She's not perfect and definitely not someone who wants to be put on a pedestal. She worries a lot and she likes that I'm decisive and strong.

My issue with her is that her communication is a bit unique. She responds to my texts within a few hours (and initiates half the time), but it's clear that she will only do one text barrage a day, and she will cut it off in under 10 minutes, regardless of whether I've responded. The text convos end abruptly and phone calls are returned quickly but are also short. Yet she will talk for hours in real life. Like two different people.

She is extremely busy, to the point that her text and phone interactions are discouraging when it comes to scheduling. Yet she never flakes and will sometimes move other obligations in order to see me. This week she only had one day that would work (her reasons are legit) and I asked her flat out if she really wanted to see me -- she did.

Two concerns: 1) I told her that I might also want to go to an event this weekend and she said we should play it by ear, 2) Her schedule is so busy and text/phone communication so terse that I'm always left with the feeling that her interest is low. Then I meet her and she jumps me.

I'm just having trouble understanding why she's so totally different in person and through other forms of communication. It's a bit disconcerting on a day to day basis. IDK why she is so business-like except when we're together and she can soften up.

 

[Skyline]

Hey guys,

I'm a new poster but have learned a lot from the forum over the years.

Anyway, I'm in my late 20s and recently met a woman who I consider LTR potential. Been going out for a couple months. We're the same age, she went to great schools, has a strong family, healthy relationship with her father, a very good heart, loves kids, and she can't keep her hands off of me (and she keeps her hands off other guys). It helps that she's cute.

She's not perfect and definitely not someone who wants to be put on a pedestal. She worries a lot and she likes that I'm decisive and strong.

My issue with her is that her communication is a bit unique. She responds to my texts within a few hours (and initiates half the time), but it's clear that she will only do one text barrage a day, and she will cut it off in under 10 minutes, regardless of whether I've responded. The text convos end abruptly and phone calls are returned quickly but are also short. Yet she will talk for hours in real life. Like two different people.

She is extremely busy, to the point that her text and phone interactions are discouraging when it comes to scheduling. Yet she never flakes and will sometimes move other obligations in order to see me. This week she only had one day that would work (her reasons are legit) and I asked her flat out if she really wanted to see me -- she did.

Two concerns: 1) I told her that I might also want to go to an event this weekend and she said we should play it by ear, 2) Her schedule is so busy and text/phone communication so terse that I'm always left with the feeling that her interest is low. Then I meet her and she jumps me.

I'm just having trouble understanding why she's so totally different in person and through other forms of communication. It's a bit disconcerting on a day to day basis. IDK why she is so business-like except when we're together and she can soften up.

What I got from this post.

Met a great girl, into me, but she's different when we text/call. I know she's busy and she doesn't always have time to answer yet I still get all insecure because she's not the type of person to use her phone 90% of the time as other girls do in the world...

I've been there with online game/messaging etc. and it's lame as hell. I often met two different people from messaging/online. In real life they can be the complete opposite from what they were over messaging. There is nothing wrong here and don't let this bother you or you might end up driving her away.

If she's fantastic in person, then fvck texting/messaging and calling. What's more important, her face or a screen?

 

[pandapanda]

What I got from this post.

Met a great girl, into me, but she's different when we text/call. I know she's busy and she doesn't always have time to answer yet I still get all insecure because she's not the type of person to use her phone 90% of the time as other girls do in the world...

I've been there with online game/messaging etc. and it's lame as hell. I often met two different people from messaging/online. In real life they can be the complete opposite from what they were over messaging. There is nothing wrong here and don't let this bother you or you might end up driving her away.

If she's fantastic in person, then fvck texting/messaging and calling. What's more important, her face or a screen?

Talk about a great starting point for the advice on here. You really tapped into a vein of concern I have -- that I appreciate reassurance on a fairly frequent basis. That's my problem. Neediness is so a turnoff, I know. The way I've tried to combat this is by thinking: "if she likes our interactions in real life, then the less contact we have between dates actually means less chance to mess things up."

I'm generally anti-texting, so it's odd to date someone who is even more anti-texting. I'm thinking me texting at my normal level might be driving her away a little. Thinking of just mentioning off-hand that we're both busy and I really value our time together more than how much we text etc. I've been very supportive of her in the things that make her busy -- sometimes I just don't know how to convey how OK I am without coming off as a pushover who never fights for her time.

The fact that she won't commit or discuss the weekend until our mid-week date coming up makes me think that she's trying to make me pass a test. What it is, I have no clue.

 

[Skyline]

That less contact = less chance to mess things up is a pretty good reminder. When it comes to scheduling things then you're fine, but if its a convo or small talk then leave that for in person.

As for the push over thing, i personally view it as you're independent who doesn't hover over her shoulder all the time. Only say the "value our real life time together" if SHE asks why you toned down on the texting. Dont just bring it up out if nowhere.

Maybe she actually has a test who knows. It doesnt really matter because if you worry too much about passing sh*t tests before they happen you'll eventually choke on one that blindsides you. Dont worry about it, if you sense its a sh*t test then act with indifference on the spot. Doesnt have to be sleezy just show it doesnt phase you.

 

[pandapanda]

That less contact = less chance to mess things up is a pretty good reminder. When it comes to scheduling things then you're fine, but if its a convo or small talk then leave that for in person.

As for the push over thing, i personally view it as you're independent who doesn't hover over her shoulder all the time. Only say the "value our real life time together" if SHE asks why you toned down on the texting. Dont just bring it up out if nowhere.

Maybe she actually has a test who knows. It doesnt really matter because if you worry too much about passing sh*t tests before they happen you'll eventually choke on one that blindsides you. Dont worry about it, if you sense its a sh*t test then act with indifference on the spot. Doesnt have to be sleezy just show it doesnt phase you.

Solid advice. Thanks! One thing I have on my side is that she isn't manipulative at all. I don't think she's the type to lay a trap in the form of a sh*t test. The hesitancy about the weekend could also involve that she's a little overwhelmed by schedule right now.

 

[Serenity]

She's quality, if you worry you will lose her.

I have lost one of these, became too pushy on text and in the matter of hours she was lost. She was the same way, didn't expect me to do anything for her and declined offers I made unless I had another reason than doing it just for her. Didn't have contact all the time on phone or text, it was short when it happened. Times together was awesome.

Don't try to figure out why she does this as long as her actions indicates interest. By your description her actions speaks clearly that she's interested in you, and it doesn't sound like she's playing games.

Conclusion: There is no problem here, just keep going

 

[pandapanda]

She's quality, if you worry you will lose her.

I have lost one of these, became too pushy on text and in the matter of hours she was lost. She was the same way, didn't expect me to do anything for her and declined offers I made unless I had another reason than doing it just for her. Didn't have contact all the time on phone or text, it was short when it happened. Times together was awesome.

Don't try to figure out why she does this as long as her actions indicates interest. By your description her actions speaks clearly that she's interested in you, and it doesn't sound like she's playing games.

Conclusion: There is no problem here, just keep going

Yeah, I think this one needs a light touch. It's just weird to find a woman who doesn't check in at least once a day. I heard nothing from her today. Not surprised, either. I initiated the last couple days and did not today. I'm not needy enough to need a text everyday, I guess I've just been conditioned to expect one.

I'm sure that she's not going to flake for our meetup this week, she just apparently doesn't like too much contact between dates. All that said, it's just... odd... that she's so into to me in person and then drops off the map otherwise. Not complaining, just adjusting.

 

[pandapanda]

Saw her last night. Things went great. She's really into me and apologized preemptively for giving me the impression that she's too busy. She just doesn't like text/phone (low maintenance in a good way). Now she wants me to meet her friends and hinted about meeting a sibling.

She had mentioned earlier that she had a "dinner" on Friday. I didn't inquire (but wondered) what it was about. She came straight out last night and said it was an ex who is now married but is visiting town. Sounds like it was planned before we met and she described it as a "friendly meeting." Told me that she thought it would be pretty awkward, since she hasn't seen him in 10 years and really isn't a huge fan (they only dated for 3 months). She has a pretty direct manner and it sounded like she was doing this guy a pity favor.

I jokingly told her to behave and she got defensive, saying that she would never do anything with a married man. I pushed on, saying that a ring is a turn-on for some girls. She was adamant that it wasn't for her and thought that was a terrible attraction for girls to have.

My guess is that she wants me to tell her to ditch this guy, but I'm not certain. This girl is pretty independent and I don't want to come off as a socially controlling guy, as I don't think it would go down too well. She volunteered her dating history last night as well and it wasn't extensive. For whatever reason, I'm not too worried about the situation. Should I be?

 

[cordoncordon]

What you need to do here is do what she is doing, but do it twice as hard. You need to beat her at her own game. IF she is apologizing for being too busy and for not responding enough, then SHE KNOWS what she is doing is at the very least kind of annoying to you, and at the very most bordering on disrespectful. Think of it this way, if she was dating Brad Pitt, would she be acting so aloof? I highly highly doubt it. So, do what she does, but do it harder.

For example, don't initiate texting or calls for a while. For every text she sends you? You only respond half as much. Don't ask her out, make her ask you out for the next few dates. She is going out with an ex to dinner? You go with with a girl or two for drinks. Right now she thinks she has you wrapped around her finger. And truth be told, as illustrated by you starting this thread and what you have said in it....she does. You need to turn the tables or sooner or later, you will lose her. I am not saying to be a total **** and to be rude to her. When you do talk to her act AS IF you are the happiest guy in the world and all is great. Just don't go out of your way to contact her for a while is all.

Good luck.

And just as a sidenote. I realize that you said she is seeing this ex as just a friendly dinner, but to me? It's a red flag. She hasnt seem him in 10 years, he's married, and they only dated for 3 months as it is? That is....odd. There is just no point in her going to dinner with this guy...UNLESS she was interested in some way shape or form. Especially when she is dating someone else......you. I can absolutely promise you that my fiance, when we started dating 4 years ago, would have canceled that date in a heartbeat if the same situation had occurred. My ex of 4 years before her? She wouldn't have canceled. And that is one of the reasons why I always knew in the back of my mind I would never marry her. Stuff like that. Some people do respect you and the relationship and will do whatever they can do make it work. And....some people won't.

 

[pandapanda]

What you need to do here is do what she is doing, but do it twice as hard. You need to beat her at her own game. IF she is apologizing for being too busy and for not responding enough, then SHE KNOWS what she is doing is at the very least kind of annoying to you, and at the very most bordering on disrespectful. Think of it this way, if she was dating Brad Pitt, would she be acting so aloof? I highly highly doubt it. So, do what she does, but do it harder.

For example, don't initiate texting or calls for a while. For every text she sends you? You only respond half as much. Don't ask her out, make her ask you out for the next few dates. She is going out with an ex to dinner? You go with with a girl or two for drinks. Right now she thinks she has you wrapped around her finger. And truth be told, as illustrated by you starting this thread and what you have said in it....she does. You need to turn the tables or sooner or later, you will lose her. I am not saying to be a total **** and to be rude to her. When you do talk to her act AS IF you are the happiest guy in the world and all is great. Just don't go out of your way to contact her for a while is all.

Good luck.

And just as a sidenote. I realize that you said she is seeing this ex as just a friendly dinner, but to me? It's a red flag. She hasnt seem him in 10 years, he's married, and they only dated for 3 months as it is? That is....odd. There is just no point in her going to dinner with this guy...UNLESS she was interested in some way shape or form. Especially when she is dating someone else......you. I can absolutely promise you that my fiance, when we started dating 4 years ago, would have canceled that date in a heartbeat if the same situation had occurred. My ex of 4 years before her? She wouldn't have canceled. And that is one of the reasons why I always knew in the back of my mind I would never marry her. Stuff like that. Some people do respect you and the relationship and will do whatever they can do make it work. And....some people won't.

Thanks man. She had a meeting tonight that got postponed last minute, so she went from maybe-drinks to coming over for dinner. Brought some wine. Then we proceeded to hook up for 4 hours. Everything except sex (which for personal reasons, I'm not going for right now). She was very passionate with making out, but was much more willing to receive sexual attention than give it. But I did make her move the ball further than she said it would go at the beginning of the evening.

The date-with-old-flame thing now bothers me more than before. She stated that he asked her to hang out and that his wife is the type who would be chill with them seeing each other. I said that most spouses would not find it appropriate (using a "friend" example). She told me that she thought married people could trust each other. I'm pretty convinced that she has no intentions with him, but she refused to set up drinks with me afterwards (she has to work Sat. morning). I think she really does just want to catch up but she asked me if I was "jealous." I shot her an alpha look that ended that query.

You are right. She is making me an option, not a priority. I'm going to follow your advice. Honestly, though, who knows if I'm even gonna keep after. She is in serious NEXT territory. She has planned a date for Sunday (including her friends too) but I might just bail. My interest dropped a ton today. She has too many rules because other guys have done XYZ to her or she has whatever quirks. And she won't sleep in the same bed until she can "get used to it and able to get a good night's sleep." She says that she is working on being more open to others and being vulnerable to caring from others, rather than fiercely independent.

I like her, but all the rules read off to me today really wore me out. Her beauty and her curse is that she's Type A to the max.

 

[cordoncordon]

Thanks man. She had a meeting tonight that got postponed last minute, so she went from maybe-drinks to coming over for dinner. Brought some wine. Then we proceeded to hook up for 4 hours. Everything except sex (which for personal reasons, I'm not going for right now). She was very passionate with making out, but was much more willing to receive sexual attention than give it. But I did make her move the ball further than she said it would go at the beginning of the evening.

The date-with-old-flame thing now bothers me more than before. She stated that he asked her to hang out and that his wife is the type who would be chill with them seeing each other. I said that most spouses would not find it appropriate (using a "friend" example). She told me that she thought married people could trust each other. I'm pretty convinced that she has no intentions with him, but she refused to set up drinks with me afterwards (she has to work Sat. morning). I think she really does just want to catch up but she asked me if I was "jealous." I shot her an alpha look that ended that query.

You are right. She is making me an option, not a priority. I'm going to follow your advice. Honestly, though, who knows if I'm even gonna keep after. She is in serious NEXT territory. She has planned a date for Sunday (including her friends too) but I might just bail. My interest dropped a ton today. She has too many rules because other guys have done XYZ to her or she has whatever quirks. And she won't sleep in the same bed until she can "get used to it and able to get a good night's sleep." She says that she is working on being more open to others and being vulnerable to caring from others, rather than fiercely independent.

I like her, but all the rules read off to me today really wore me out. Her beauty and her curse is that she's Type A to the max.

Yes she sounds like quite the ordeal. Nothing comes easy and flows like it should it sounds like. And you two haven't fully sexed it yet either? I take it because of her "rules"? In today's day and age after two months, that is pretty ridiculous. So yeah, just do as I said. If anything it will be good practice to help you start to lose some of the romantic feels you have for her, which when the inevitable break up happens, will make things that much easier.

She doesn't sound worth it man.

Good luck.

 

[pandapanda]

Yes she sounds like quite the ordeal. Nothing comes easy and flows like it should it sounds like. And you two haven't fully sexed it yet either? I take it because of her "rules"? In today's day and age after two months, that is pretty ridiculous. So yeah, just do as I said. If anything it will be good practice to help you start to lose some of the romantic feels you have for her, which when the inevitable break up happens, will make things that much easier.

She doesn't sound worth it man.

Good luck.

Yeah, I'm basically out. Since she doesn't do calls or texts normally, it's pretty hard to freeze her out that way. I did give her some serious ice at the end of the night when she started going on about how she can't sleep well next to someone.

On the one hand, she says she wants to go slow on some stuff because she's says that shows long-term commitment ("if people will be together for a lifetime, what's the rush?"). I'm also not pushing for sex right now and she hasn't put out in the past before a few months of dating. Says that no man has ever touched her as well as I have or made her c*m as hard.

On the other hand, she knew from the start that sleeping next to someone was really important to me, so I'm pissed that she just told me all these hang-ups last night (assuming she isn't making them up). Can't be with someone I can't hold overnight from time to time. Made that clear to her and it rattled her cage a little, making her backtrack somewhat.

She can see that guy tonight (turns out they never had sex), but she loses major points for following through after I pointed out the ethical issues with doing it. I just won't honor her Sunday date plans. Hopefully she got enough messages last night to reform for the one last chance she'll get. Otherwise, I've got other plates. She's a good person with issues. I'm not playing along.

 

[pandapanda]

Just an update. She called me as she was going into dinner with the married dude and we talked until he showed up. An hour and 15 minutes later, she called me from public transit telling me that she was on her way over to my neighborhood with a bottle of wine. She was pretty suggestive and clearly her intent was to assure me that nothing bad had gone down.

I had to inform her that I was out with friends and really couldn't meet up. Sent the hamster a spinnin'. Which was perfect, as I was spinning plates: closed three numbers over the course of the evening. She has been sucking up to me all day today and I'm playing it cool before I see her again tomorrow.

She made a course correction on her own. We'll see if it sticks.

 

[JohnChops]

Yes she sounds like quite the ordeal. Nothing comes easy and flows like it should it sounds like. And you two haven't fully sexed it yet either? I take it because of her "rules"? In today's day and age after two months, that is pretty ridiculous. So yeah, just do as I said. If anything it will be good practice to help you start to lose some of the romantic feels you have for her, which when the inevitable break up happens, will make things that much easier.

She doesn't sound worth it man.

Good luck.

You don't need to be so quick for the lay, lay her when you want on your terms. No need to go straight for it but a couple months is a bit long. I like waiting first date - a week for a girl I just want to hook up with. Then any time frame for a girl I'm interested in, but don't get side tracked by that you still need to escalate or she WILL get bored.

 

[evan12]

OP : It seem she want you as an official bf, but she dont really like you ,because she dont really enjoy talking with you, and it seem she want to keep you only for the time that she meet you, but doesnt want you to be in her life all the time , she may have some FB or exs that she have sex with, while keeping you as bf material. I think she is just playing the good girl and may be she really want you to be her bf for many reasons, but not because she really like you .
I could be wrong but if a woman really like you she will enjoy talking with you .

 

[pandapanda]

OP : It seem she want you as an official bf, but she dont really like you ,because she dont really enjoy talking with you, and it seem she want to keep you only for the time that she meet you, but doesnt want you to be in her life all the time , she may have some FB or exs that she have sex with, while keeping you as bf material. I think she is just playing the good girl and may be she really want you to be her bf for many reasons, but not because she really like you .
I could be wrong but if a woman really like you she will enjoy talking with you .

Thanks man. Yeah, I was kinda on the same page as you until today... because that's the impression she and the facts gave.

After the group date tonight, she asked to make out. In the course of doing so, she apologized for seeing the other guy. She said that she didn't want to cancel with him and therefore make it appear like she assumed we were together. If she had it to do over, she said that she would have canceled and never mentioned it to me in the first place.

Then she explained that she hasn't seen anyone in a while or actually had sex in a couple years, despite several guys trying to do it. She told me that she's made an effort to keep her number down and never had sex before the four month mark. Said she felt bad about making out with three random guys over the course of all the college parties she went to.

Then he bombshell. Told me that she didn't want to scare me, but she fantasizes about sex with me a lot. Said she was turned on by the thought of starting a family with me and raising kids together, because I treated her better than any other guy she had ever been with and pleased her better in bed. That was in response to me asking her for one turn-on I might not have expected.

Normally I would be freaked out, but she said this in the context of wanting to be with me and how she had trouble expressing how much I meant to her. Told me she loves my texts but didn't send a lot back because she didn't want to seem needy or screw up by saying the wrong thing. Told me that she didn't want to play games but was afraid that being forward would turn me off.

Best line: "You're kinda like the top dog in social situations. I feel safe because you're kinda like the alpha male in a group setting. You set [her friend] at ease better than her own boyfriend today."

So this could be going good places...

 

[evan12]

I hope the best for you , but I find it hard to believe her stories , you are basically playing on her terms, she is setting up the rules of the relationship .
try to call her at late night and see if you guys will enjoy the talking .
how old are you?, I kind of feel you are younger than her

 

[pandapanda]

I hope the best for you , but I find it hard to believe her stories , you are basically playing on her terms, she is setting up the rules of the relationship .
try to call her at late night and see if you guys will enjoy the talking .
how old are you?, I kind of feel you are younger than her

I understand your skepticism but on the other hand, she has not lied to me so far.

We are the same age.

She called me up tonight to chat. Her level of contact has shot way up.

It's a wait and see.

 

[pandapanda]

As an update to this... things have been going well. We were in bed the other night and she informed me that she stopped seeing other guys weeks ago. Not that she was seeing anyone else, but she's cute and gets asked out about 5 times a week. She told me that she usually accepts about half of the invites she gets but that she feels like I'm really special and doesn't want anyone else to screw it up. Actually was complaining about this one guy who had been pretty persistent and asked me to answer the phone the next time he calls. Haha.

 

[VladPatton]

Interesting relationship. She kind of sounds like a "Rules Girl". A DJ's Antimatter. It seems like a lot of swerving and swaying on her part only to get back on course later after realizing. She most definitely is setting up the rules of the relationship as evan12 stated. I don't do this before 4 months, I don't do that before this happens, then that, and this, blah blah. Ok, fine, but! Will all this be worth it in the end? What the fück are you doing in bed with her if she isn't down to get it on??? That's a cὀck tease and a half. That's like starving, having a steak in front of you and just smelling it without eating it.

In all reality you do NOT know what went on with the ex-bf meet up and you never will. Anything could of happened. She could of had a threesome with them, or nothing but conversation. Either way, it didn't merit a drop-all action that left you in the wind. Hell, just say that you're meeting an old gf for dinner one night.. I bet it'll piss her off royaly! Give no excuses or apologies after.

The question here is will all this be worth it in the end? I can just imagine her complaining during sex about this position, and that. Maybe she won't suck you off until 3 years of marriage.

I dunno man..sounds a little hairy. Keep one foot out the door, and realize what's going on big-picture-wise. Good luck, hold your integrity, and don't get shıt on!