Busted by Wife...hysterical crying, no mention of divorce....

[marmel75]

UPDATE 2:

Got home Thursday from work and was so tired I didn't go to the gym. She had some more questions for me about what happened, etc. We talked for about an hour and a half or so at length about things.

To be fair, there were other things that were kind of gnawing at me other than her just not having a job. I go to work 11 hours a day, come home and instead of talking with me or doing stuff, she sits and watches her soaps she had recorded during the day that she didn't get a chance to watch. Whatever, I go over on the computer then or to the gym on gym nights. I always initiate sex...I can't recall the last time she initiated sex with me, but it was probably at least a year ago, if not longer.

At one point she said that being a mother was her most important job, and that they take up most of her time. I agreed it was very important, but I also asked how it is fair to me that there never seems to be any time for me. She said "You're right, it isn't fair to you..." and admitted to neglecting me many times. The topic of sex came up and I asked why it is that she never initiates it. We have sex at least 3-4 times a week but I am the one always initiating it. Made it clear to her that it makes me feel as if I am forcing her to have sex with me and she doesn't want to, and that in some ways it made me feel unwanted by her.

I thnk she then realized that all of these things were coming together and building up slowly over time with me and that may have been what pushed me over the edge. I am not a great communicator, I tend to internalize a lot of issues and try and think through them myself and come up with solutions rather than verbalizing them with others.

In no way am I blaming her for what I did. That was my decision and my decision alone, but she definitely did have a role to play in all of this. She then told me that she feels like all we are doing when we have sex is "fvcking" and she wants me to "make love" to her sometimes. She also said she is afraid she doesn't sexually satisfy me becuase I leave her exhausted but am still going strong. She said basically that I fvck too hard and that I last too long in a nutshell...I was kinda stunned by this...well not the last too long part because she has brought that up a lot(ie, "are you almost done yet?" virtually every time we have sex), but the fvck too hard part was a new one on me...she has always seemed to enjoy it, but apparently not always...

We agreed to be more open with each other in terms of communication(this is going to be a hard one for me) and to start having "date nights" a few times a month. Also while she was crying she said:

"Why don't you love me anymore?!?" and cried the most bitterly of anyone I had ever seen crying...that about broke my heart...

"Why don't you want me anymore?"

"I feel like I'm not good enough for you"

"I don't want to lose you...I NEED you..."

Overall it was a pretty productive conversation and I think things are moving along fairly well, although she is still pretty hurt by the whole thing...

I think the worst thing that happened during the whole time was when she found out that day and was crying hysterically, my 5 year old came home from kindergarten and walked into the room with her crying. She ran over to her and said "Mommy! What's wrong? Why are you crying??" and all my wife could do was turn away from her and keep crying, which led my daughter to start crying, hugging her tightly and saying "I don't want to see you crying Mommy, I don't want you to be sad anymore!!"

I about wanted to dig a grave for myself and jump in after witnessing that. That might have been my lowest point as a human being. I don't think I could accurately describe just how bad I felt. Now to repair the damage to the best of my ability.

When I woke up this morning she gave me a hug and kiss and told me what I told her last night had really bothered her and she apologized to me for it. She said she didn't mean to neglect me like that and is going to work on doing a much better job...I think she is now realizing how some of her actions initially led me down the path. Obviously I had to still take action, but if I was never on the path to begin with it wouldn't have ever occurred...

Thanks for the constructive feedback. I am in no way looking for sympathy from anyone. I did this to myself and I will resolve this myself.

 

[Naughty Ninja]

UPDATE 2:

Got home Thursday from work and was so tired I didn't go to the gym. She had some more questions for me about what happened, etc. We talked for about an hour and a half or so at length about things.

To be fair, there were other things that were kind of gnawing at me other than her just not having a job. I go to work 11 hours a day, come home and instead of talking with me or doing stuff, she sits and watches her soaps she had recorded during the day that she didn't get a chance to watch. Whatever, I go over on the computer then or to the gym on gym nights. I always initiate sex...I can't recall the last time she initiated sex with me, but it was probably at least a year ago, if not longer.

At one point she said that being a mother was her most important job, and that they take up most of her time. I agreed it was very important, but I also asked how it is fair to me that there never seems to be any time for me. She said "You're right, it isn't fair to you..." and admitted to neglecting me many times. The topic of sex came up and I asked why it is that she never initiates it. We have sex at least 3-4 times a week but I am the one always initiating it. Made it clear to her that it makes me feel as if I am forcing her to have sex with me and she doesn't want to, and that in some ways it made me feel unwanted by her.

I thnk she then realized that all of these things were coming together and building up slowly over time with me and that may have been what pushed me over the edge. I am not a great communicator, I tend to internalize a lot of issues and try and think through them myself and come up with solutions rather than verbalizing them with others.

In no way am I blaming her for what I did. That was my decision and my decision alone, but she definitely did have a role to play in all of this. She then told me that she feels like all we are doing when we have sex is "fvcking" and she wants me to "make love" to her sometimes. She also said she is afraid she doesn't sexually satisfy me becuase I leave her exhausted but am still going strong. She said basically that I fvck too hard and that I last too long in a nutshell...I was kinda stunned by this...well not the last too long part because she has brought that up a lot(ie, "are you almost done yet?" virtually every time we have sex), but the fvck too hard part was a new one on me...she has always seemed to enjoy it, but apparently not always...

We agreed to be more open with each other in terms of communication(this is going to be a hard one for me) and to start having "date nights" a few times a month. Also while she was crying she said:

"Why don't you love me anymore?!?" and cried the most bitterly of anyone I had ever seen crying...that about broke my heart...

"Why don't you want me anymore?"

"I feel like I'm not good enough for you"

"I don't want to lose you...I NEED you..."

Overall it was a pretty productive conversation and I think things are moving along fairly well, although she is still pretty hurt by the whole thing...

I think the worst thing that happened during the whole time was when she found out that day and was crying hysterically, my 5 year old came home from kindergarten and walked into the room with her crying. She ran over to her and said "Mommy! What's wrong? Why are you crying??" and all my wife could do was turn away from her and keep crying, which led my daughter to start crying, hugging her tightly and saying "I don't want to see you crying Mommy, I don't want you to be sad anymore!!"

I about wanted to dig a grave for myself and jump in after witnessing that. That might have been my lowest point as a human being. I don't think I could accurately describe just how bad I felt. Now to repair the damage to the best of my ability.

When I woke up this morning she gave me a hug and kiss and told me what I told her last night had really bothered her and she apologized to me for it. She said she didn't mean to neglect me like that and is going to work on doing a much better job...I think she is now realizing how some of her actions initially led me down the path. Obviously I had to still take action, but if I was never on the path to begin with it wouldn't have ever occurred...

Thanks for the constructive feedback. I am in no way looking for sympathy from anyone. I did this to myself and I will resolve this myself.

Damn. No post ever got to me like your post. That was some sad stuff Marmel. Good luck and hope everything works out dude.

 

[Plutoman]

Again.. Best of luck. I'll follow updates you post here. No sympathy need be given, but neither should criticism be given. The situation is what it is.

 

[The Gambler]

UPDATE 2:

At one point she said that being a mother was her most important job, and that they take up most of her time. I agreed it was very important, but I also asked how it is fair to me that there never seems to be any time for me.

I think the worst thing that happened during the whole time was when she found out that day and was crying hysterically, my 5 year old came home from kindergarten and walked into the room with her crying.

Next year, when your child goes to a full day of school in the first grade, that bullsh*t excuse will be out the window...

Unless you have an even younger child, of course.

 

[marmel75]

Next year, when your child goes to a full day of school in the first grade, that bullsh*t excuse will be out the window...

Unless you have an even younger child, of course.

Yeah we have a daughter turning 2 next month. My 5 year old already goes to kindergarten for a full day.

 

[Epimanes]

There's a great article at marriage builders u and ur wife should read. Its called "taking care of kids means taking care of each other" it explains how mmarriages fall apart when they focus too much on the kids and neglect each other and why that menntality for either parenr is destructive to ur marriage. I can link to it later if u like.

 

[marmel75]

@Mauser: she did talk to her mother, but I guarentee divorce never was discussed other than her discouraging it. Her parents are Catholic and extremely religious...go to church daily and say rosaries twice a day. Have holy water in the house by the front door. There literally would be a better chance of me getting struck by lightning than her parents pushing for divorce.

In fact she said the first thing out of her mothers mouth was that I needed to go to confession.

 

[marmel75]

Divorce doesn't happen in their family...she would be shunned...and yes she is strongly Catholic as well...

 

[sarcastic sam]

yes naughty ninja let`s all feel sorry for marmel after all it isn`t his fault he went behind on his wife`s back and fvcked a bunch of dirty wh0rs and left this good woman emotionally devastated and his entire family in ruins.

 

[muscleman]

marmel - you're going to have a 'fun' road ahead of you. All this emotional stuff, a year from now, won't matter. What will is what she decides to do, and what you decide to do. I'm not going to put the blame on you for cheating on the blame on her for not putting out and 'causing' you to cheat. Let's leave morals out of this.

The other posters here saying 'I told you so' or 'you deserve it' or 'you're fvcked' or 'good luck, hope it turns out ok' doesn't solve the problem you're in.

Do NOT be fooled by her emotions. She can cut your balls off (figuratively speaking) with the same intensity that you saw her crying. It's entirely possible, and entirely plausible, for her to drag you to divorce court, run off with at least half your sh!t, you never see your kids again, and possibly end up in jail if you can't pay whatever the judge decides you should pay.

I'm not saying this is going to happen, depending on how alpha you are you might be able to make it work, but you're at the very least going to experience some major bumps. And it COULD happen. In fact, more often than not, it DOES happen.

You can do 2 things to keep yourself from wasting the rest of your natural life:

1) Protect your assets as best you can, maybe even hire a lawyer and get some preliminary things set up just in case.

2) Try to work it out with her.

#1 is the only logical thing you can do. Again, I know you're not thinking about divorce, and she may not be either, especially not now, but you could have papers on the kitchen table in the near future. Just saying.

#2 is volatile with no guarantee of the outcome.

Keep us updated.

PS. waiting for RT to contribute.

 

[marmel75]

Even worse is 4 of the 7 women I fvcked basically told me they don't care if I'm married or not they still want a piece of me...2 never responded to the text and the other told me she hopes my wife cuts my balls off with a rusty scissors...

Still getting texts from these 4...sometimes 6 or 7 a day...all have gone unanswered and I delete...is there a way to block their numbers or how can I get them to stop texting me?

@muscleman: I think I will be fine personally...I don't believe she would divorce me, at least if I keep my nose clean from now on which I intend to do.

 

[muscleman]

I don't believe she would divorce me

Famous last words. Quoted for the record.

 

[In2theGame]

If I were you, I'd keep one eye open at night and sleep with a jock strap on.

Way to go.

LoL :crackup:

 

[backbreaker]

1. you can't neogate attraction. she's not going to blow you beucase you had a "productive conversation".

2. if i had to lay money, she's mentally checked out but is goiung through the motions beucase she knows that if she left you right now it would make her life harder. she's already taken the big blow, she took it on the chin, she also knows you aren't going to do antyhing else, it makes sense for her to suck it up for 6-8 months or whatever, save her enough money tog et her own place, and then throw down the gauntlent, when you find out she has money for a laywer out of the blue lol, her own place,and n ow you find out that she "never could get over what you did"

3. with that said, i don't blame this on you.. she had a job and didn't do it. we have a 4 year old son my wife and i and we have more than enough sex.. our son is not a deterrent to our sex life in the least bit. sometimes **** it makes it fun let's see if we can get off without getting him suspicious while he's watching TV in the living room


bottom line.. i think she has lost attraction to you but because you cheated on her, it is going to give her the moral high ground.


at the end of the day, all roads are gonna leave to you guys splitting. it might not be tomorrow but this is not gonna work IMHO.


on the real man, I don't envy you at all i really don't. i can' tell you what to do. I can tell you to leave but i am crazy about my wife and that would be testing my metal if i ever had to do something or make a decision like that. If laid out exactly like that, it woudl be the hardest thing i hever done in my life but i'd have to leave her, beucase i know it will never be what it was before it blew up there is no going back, no matter how bad i would want it to. but that's just me and us.

 

[marmel75]

1. you can't neogate attraction. she's not going to blow you beucase you had a "productive conversation".

2. if i had to lay money, she's mentally checked out but is goiung through the motions beucase she knows that if she left you right now it would make her life harder. she's already taken the big blow, she took it on the chin, she also knows you aren't going to do antyhing else, it makes sense for her to suck it up for 6-8 months or whatever, save her enough money tog et her own place, and then throw down the gauntlent, when you find out she has money for a laywer out of the blue lol, her own place,and n ow you find out that she "never could get over what you did"

3. with that said, i don't blame this on you.. she had a job and didn't do it. we have a 4 year old son my wife and i and we have more than enough sex.. our son is not a deterrent to our sex life in the least bit. sometimes **** it makes it fun let's see if we can get off without getting him suspicious while he's watching TV in the living room


bottom line.. i think she has lost attraction to you but because you cheated on her, it is going to give her the moral high ground.


at the end of the day, all roads are gonna leave to you guys splitting. it might not be tomorrow but this is not gonna work IMHO.


on the real man, I don't envy you at all i really don't. i can' tell you what to do. I can tell you to leave but i am crazy about my wife and that would be testing my metal if i ever had to do something or make a decision like that. If laid out exactly like that, it woudl be the hardest thing i hever done in my life but i'd have to leave her, beucase i know it will never be what it was before it blew up there is no going back, no matter how bad i would want it to. but that's just me and us.

I am going to disagree with this on a few levels. First off, the issue wasn't about me not getting sex. I basically got sex more or less whenever I wanted it. The issue for me is why do I always have to initiate it?

Second, she thinks all that I did was get numbers from some girls at the clubs when I went out and started texting them. She believes me when I told her nothing else happened. So in her mind it is cheating but its not like going out on dates with or sticking my d!ck in another chick. I think that is an important distinction that needs to be made here.

Third, divorce doesn't happen in her family and she is dead set against it and so is her family. Getting a divorce would mean she is the black sheep of the family, which she definitely does not want. I have gotten no sign that she wants a divorce or that she is considering one. In fact, all the signs point towards her wanting to work out any problems we have and make things better between us.

Fourth, and I think this might make a difference, is that she was a virgin when we met(10+ years ago), so I am the only guy she has ever been with. She is extremely emotionally attachd to me, which is one reason why I feel like she would never leave me. She has told me on many occassions that she cannot picture her life without me in it and that she "needs" me.

I am telling you a divorce is not going to happen unless I do something to fvck things up.

 

[backbreaker]

well bro do what you got to do you don't have to convince me it's your wife not mine lol.


my entire point being, relationships never get better after one spouse cheats (and is caught) regardless of if she believes or does not believe in divorce. good relationships are built on mutual attraction and it just doesn't seem to be there


I look at my dad.. my dad got caught cheating and moved in with me for a few months in my early 20's, and they got back together 4-5 months later and he moved back home but it never was the same. they JUST got a divorce this year, like what.. 8 years later. 8 years of getting chewed out every time you want to go out of town beucase she doesn't trust you, 8 years of getitng yoru balls busted beucase you want to chill with the fellas on a saturday night, any little thing my dad would do she would throw a fit, my brother's car broke down one day and my dad had to run to sears and buy/install a new battery, she just knew he was ****ing up. my dad gets off work at 3pm and he owns a side business doing janitorial work at my step mom's nursing office so she would see him every day (talk about game lol, the ****ing janitor marrying the ****ing nurse at the nursing office, and controlling the frame at that), say his barber, who is one of his best friends calls him and tells him look come in today i'm going out fo town over the weekend and he doesn't come=cheating.


8 years of this bull **** until he just couldn't take it anymore. they had my little brother together and she's still very very hot, she's just 36 (he's 52) but he was miserable.

a good relationship is built on freedom and trust. I can get in my car right now at midnight not say one ****ing word to my wife and shew wouldn't think 2 words beucase she knows me if i leave the house at midnight it's for a good reason. she doesn't have to know **** she doesn't really care to know honestly. she goes out of town to visit her brother in phoenix, knock yourself out, go for a few days get away have fun.

you don't have that anymore. regardless of how much work you put in, how much you want to make things right, it's gonna be there in the background. it's gonna fester like a bad virus. divorce would be preferable to that, the marriage Purgatory that you seem to be headed for.. more of a marriage of convenience rather than love.

divorce or not divorce to me is not the big deal. i 'm a big boy i can get over a divorce if i have to. i can't be tied into a marriage where it's not possible for me to be happy anymore. that's where you are headed. you weren't happy before lol, now you cheated on her


i don't really give a **** if you "disagree with me" or not i'm not here for you to agree with me. I'm just saying above all else, i have to be happy. I'm selfish like that. The day i wasn't happy, the day i looked at all my cards and say you know.. i see the end game and it's not happiness, its' time to plan my exit strategy.


my wife initiates sex probably.. 75% of the time. she's a ****ing horn toad. I probably turn down sex more than any married guy on this forum, i work and sometimes I'm just ****ing tired. The day I have to have a talk with my wife to tell her to initiate sex, even sometimes, you act like you are buying a car lol "blow job here, i will rub your balls, you'll eat me out, we'll do this for 10 minutes". a talk or her understanding you or your needs is not going to make her want to initiate sex. her wanting to **** her husband is going to make her want to initiate sex, and she doesn't wanna. she doesn't WANT to **** you.

that's just the way i see it. sorry if i am blunt no trying to hurt your feelings or anything but you are on the fast track to being the "i hope i can get lucky tonight" guy. no one ever sets out to be the hope i get lucky tonight guy, but you are on the right train track as of now.

 

[foreverAFC]

marriage sounds awesome

 

[marmel75]

that's just the way i see it. sorry if i am blunt no trying to hurt your feelings or anything but you are on the fast track to being the "i hope i can get lucky tonight" guy. no one ever sets out to be the hope i get lucky tonight guy, but you are on the right train track as of now.

I'll never be the "I hope I can get lucky guy" because if it came down to that I can always just go out to a club, wear a tight thermal shirt with my chest, arms and traps busting out through it, and let myself get hit on by girls 10-15 years younger than me, who refuse to believe me if I tell them my actual age.

A 50" chest, 17 inch arms and a back that goes out past your shoulders gets you noticed in a hurry bro...trust me on that one...legs that press against the seams of your pants when you walk don't hurt either...

 

[Bokanovsky]

Wow. All the white knights are coming out the woodwork today.

Yeah, the whiff of AFC is strong in this thread. While cheating on your wife is not a commendable act, it does not make you the devil's incarnate like some of the virginal men on this forum would have you believe.

 

[Married Buried]

marriage sounds awesome

It is as long as you don't cheat. I can't really imagine doing it, if my wife found out there would be no second chances or any of that. And her family would want to kick my a$$.