BS&I Improvement Log

[babystepninspiration]

Sup guys.

Some background: Visited this site 4 or 5 years ago. Actually used some of the tips here on my first girlfriend. Since then, we've been in a relationship together, which if everything goes according to plan has just ended. Ironically, I found that some of the philosophy in Don Juan-ism didn't really vibe with some personal beliefs, and it made me objectify women too much. Due to me not really knowing what I was doing + applying a few too many of those tips, it caused some psychological issues between us. But I digress, that was my own fault.

Anyway, I want to write a self improvement log, because I want to improve myself. I am struggling with some pretty severe anxiety issues and possibly depression. It's a very strange situation as it's very cyclical.

Mostly, it comes down to me being petrified of life in some subtle ways. I am extremely ambitious, but the reality of it is that my courage is not in line with my dreams... it is lacking.

I often commit to hairy tasks and lose my way when the going gets tough.

The cyclical problem with the highest frequency is the following: I am an undergrad in an engineering program. I will work very hard during the week, then on weekends, given the lack of contact with my colleagues, i will escape the reality of my responsibilities and zone out into lala land... aka youtube all weekend long.

It's probably not about the weekend itself but more about my beliefs and limiting beliefs.

Anyway, it's 4 am right now and I have neglected all of my work that is due for tomorrow's class so I will wrap this up.

The problem
I have serious problems handling many of the realities of life. I am afraid to fail... as I have grown up knowing that I must be a huge success (for various reasons)... mostly because of this, I have had SERIOUS procrastination and escapist issues, since about roughly 4 years ago. It has dominated my life. I feel this is a huge chunk of time to waste like this, and I really regret it.

The goals
I want to:
Decrease my fear of failure to an acceptable level.
Focus my attention of the pleasure of attaining what I want as opposed to the pain of not attaining it.
Become more consistent in my personality (I have pretty serious mood swings due to this issue).


I guess that's the majority of it. The reason I am posting here is because I think this is probably the forum that is most similar to my personality. Even though I think a lot of people here take masculinity too far... an increase in masculinity is basically what I am describing that I want to achieve.

Some probable side goals (not sure)
Bulk up
Start dating girls. Develop a bit more confidence with them. Try to learn more about what I really want in a girl. If what I think I want is what I really want... start pursuing that dream girl that I am imagining.
Get some guy friends that I can hang out with. Get some guy friends that I can depend on. Socially, start living more for friends than for girls, as I have done in the past.


Anyway guys I appreciate you letting me do this here (hopefully it's in line with the forum rules). Don't hesitate to post comments, suggestions and words of encouragement. I think that's actually what I want (though I know I can't depend on it). With my deteriorating sticktoitiveness has been my increasing inability to do things alone. As soon as I am alone, I lose it. When I am with people, I feel safe, happy, determined and things go great.

Just a few more things, actually. As I have stated... this problem has gone on for a long time. It has just really impacted in ALL areas of my life.

-Things are strained with the parents because they are fed up with me.
-I went from competing with ppl that ended up at Princeton in grade 10, to getting accepted to a not great program at a lesser Ivy League, to choosing to a go to a good program at a local school, to switching out to a mediocre program at that local school. I have basically thrown away a huge amount of the work I have put in in the past.
-Things went really sour with the girlfriend. This problem of mine contributed significantly.
-Because I am so unstable... I barely have any friends right now.
-My grades are ****... and decreasing fast... and not doing anything else either.
-I was offered a great job opportunity when I was 16 and I have been working there since. I am starting to lose credibility there due to my lack of dependability, which is a real shame.
-I am roughly 6'3''. In highschool I played lots of sports. I was 190 pounds of muscle in grade 12 (not thta much muscle, but better than now). I am now 165 pounds of bone in much worse shape than before.

I don't know how often I will update this, but I will just play around with it and see if it helps. I am down to trying everything. I saw a few professionals... but basically I was too unreliable to make that work. I have a good feeling about this though

 

[babystepninspiration]

I think a good start will be the following.

Post every day during the weekend. As soon as I get home on Friday. Then, Saturday night, and then Sunday night.


After a long week of work I just go home and forget about school.

I can't afford this because I have missed roughly 1/3rd of the school term for various reasons... and the finals are coming soon.

So this plan will help me keep myself in check every weekend. I can lay my thoughts out here, plan things out, and maybe interact with you guys a little bit if you find this interesting.

 

[babystepninspiration]

Terrible couple of days. I have had no will to do any work. Difficult to describe... it could be a strange depression. An unenviable feeling of helplessness.

Neglected my work... already screwed up some things for the week beyond recovery. For the other ones, I now have a mountain to climb.

I think if I had worked out once a day, it would have helped me recover... the problem was that I would stay up until 4 am... so I would be exhausted and have no energy to be optimistic the next day.

I'm going to set some ground rules:
Sleep at least 8 hours every day, except on days on which I'm working at school on group projects
Work out or Stretch every day
as well as posting my progress Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

I'm going to take advantage of my time on the planet this moment... by learning some of the material for my next test, and insodoing putting a smile on my face.

 

[babystepninspiration]

So... I posted earlier today. At that point, I had gotten a little fed up, so I posted here as a call to arms. Then I manned up and crammed a bit for my test tomorrow... then my sleep deprivation and negativity caught up to me, and I probably wasted something like 7 hours...

I need to start being a little bit more in tune with reality. I run from reality because it pains me to be behind on ****, as I am now. It seems to me like I can't turn my grades around for this term no matter how hard I try. And I really exaggerate the situation in my mind.

Let's be real for a second. You will probably do bad on the test tomorrow... but this is still in YOUR hands. You have a lot of time to study tomorrow. You can still do reasonably well if you get it together by then. Make it so.

About the term... don't be a *****. You still love what you're learning, and you can still do respectably well. The important thing, however is your own self respect. Visualize the self respect that you will feel for yourself if you accept your current situation for the rest of the term, and finish with your chin up.

"But BSI.. even if I finish this term... I might just crash the next term... I have an incredible reputation for being extremely strong for months at a time... only to suddenly crash at the slightest lack of focus... I know I have the strength to succeed when I want... but I am unable to be consistent. These inconsistencies are what bring me down"

Yes, the current you cannot control what the future you will do.

But...

1)Take it easier when you do "crash". Overreacting creates a downward spiral. Do so if only for the reason that it is the effective thing to do to get out of the crash.

2)Continue to focus on the rewards of success. Taste the flavor of self respect. Feel the sensation of empowerment. Control your own destiny.

3)Future you is always a function of current you. If you get a haircut today, your hair length tomorrow will be affected. The same goes for mental habits. Perhaps the best way to make future you more reliable is to train him to be this way with consistent actions in the present.

4)All of this positive self-talk and reshaping of the mind is important. However, remember that you have physical limits. You cannot push yourself on insufficient sleep and expect yourself to last. You cannot push beyond your resources for a week and expect a productive following week. Be efficient with your resources.

Jack Welch and Stephen Covey both made the following point, relating to leaders of companies and managers of selves, respectively:

Anyone can produce results at the expense of future results. (In Jack's case, anyone can also produce future results at the expense of current ones) The real value comes from balancing current results with future perfomance.

There are a few things you can do to get out of your habit of sacrificing future for current. There are plenty of people that seem to leave it all out on the floor everyday, but continue to perform... so do not think this is impossible as you have been recently starting to feel. Think of Lebron James for example... so much weight on his shoulders every night... amazingly consistent in the face of responsibility. Obama's campaign... so cool under pressure, every day.

a) Sleep sustainable amounts every night. Put this before grades (very hard to do, I know)... in the long term it will increase your grades much more than the short term grades you would be "sacrificing".
b) Work out consistently to get out some of the stress.
c) Try to do something fun every weekend. I'm not sure if it actually has to be social. I think having it be physical would work out.

Tomorrow, remember it's still in your hands. Remember, make current you the best it possibly can be. Have no fear of failure on the test. If you work hard tomorrow, failure on the test is a result of previous you not having his **** together. Current you will have nothing to be ashamed of. Also, if current you keeps his **** together, you will never have to fear irresponsible you taking over.

 

[babystepninspiration]

Friday report

Friday report as promised.

Past few days have been good. I've been kinda just going with the flow, and just doing what I felt like at any particular point.

Haven't been working too hard but I've been doing something. Have been enjoying learning in my courses.

I think the most important thing right now is just to be a little bit happier. So, I've been taking breaks even when I should be working to play a video game or something, if I really wanted to.

So.. I'm going to nap a little tonight. Depending on what time I wake up, start strong then.

I made my to do lits for the weekend.

Also going to work out both saturday and sunday.