broken heart, broken relationship

[Brutas]

So, where do I start? I have been dating this girl since junior year in highschool. We lived together for 5 years, have 2 dogs together joint bank accounts car loans the whole bit. I am 26 she is 25.

So just recently she moved out of an apt we had together into her own apt. The whole purpose of this (atleast what I was told and thought it was) was for her to experiance living on her own. She and I moved out together right from our parents homes, right out of highschool. She was living rent free and had few obligations, just keep the place clean do my laundry, you know be a house mom or whatever. That slowly turned into that she was not self suffecant and arguments would somtimes turn into "your living rent free all you have to do is this and you cant even do that" so she says to me that she sined a lease somewhere and I say sure ya did hun, cause i didnt believe her. Well turns out she did. And at the worst time in history. I lost my job 3 weeks before she was supposed to move out. Now I bring it up to her that im not going to be able to pay the rent at the place we were at and that I should move in with her. She totally denys me and says i should move in with my parents. Now I felt 2 ways about this, 1) is his ****ing girl serious? after 5 years of me paying for everthing your going to look me in the face and say "move into your parents" I was more than livid and felt like our relatioinship was over. 2) this is her place and If I did move in I most likely would not be moving out. And she and I both knew that. So I felt like I would give it a shot move into my parents and try to save what was left of our relationship. So the first week was fine she gave me keys and I came and went as I pleased and slept there every night. till One night when I was on the way home from night classes at a local college,I called her to see If she wanted anything from the store and to tell her I would be there shortly. She comes at me all left handed telling me to sleep at my parents tonight. I freak out cause why the **** would I sleep there? I had gone to bed and woke up next to the same women for 5 years. not only was I upset but I for the first time in our relationship was unsure. So I go over there and ask whats going on and she says she wants "space". So I freak out some more she asks for her keys back, I freak even more. I end up giving her keys back and leaving. We go 2 days without talking. I call her at work and ask why she hasnt called and she says well you havent called. So I go to her place to talk later, I pour my heart out to her telling her im confused im uncertain about us and I want things to back to normal. She replys with the reason why she is doing this is not cause she wanted to experiance living on her own but because I didnt ask her to marry me and she was sick of being embarrassed by her friends and family when they would ehy I wouldnt marry her. So I tell her im sorry she felt that way and I will do whatever it takes to get our relationship back. So I am bringing her flowers and rubbing her feet like a giant douche. And it seems like we are heading back in the right direction. Untill I get asked to sleep at my parents again. I cant help but feel pushed away when she says that. I dont know what to do We are now on the 2 day of not talking she called yesterday morning and I didnt pick up. I feel like if I play her game I am going to get played. Maybe I need to make her miss me and want me back idk I need help please!!!!!!!

 

[The Bat]

Holy crap. Where to start?

For the readers thinking about getting into a LTR with your high school/college sweetheart OR moving in with one, READ THIS THREAD!

Now, problems. Well your first problem was getting in a relationship with this girl at a young age. You two were too young, immature, and inexperienced to get into an exclusive, committed relationship at that age. And to move in together made it even worse. If you've moved in together, might as well just marry her because what's the difference between married and living together like that?

Second problem was you paying for her rent. What the fvck, man? How could you possibly afford paying for her rent which included (I'm assuming) utilities and other bills? Did you win a lottery when you were 20 or something?

And if you COULD afford to pay for her, just THINK how much money you could've saved if you had made her pay for her rent or had not moved her in? Add it all up for the past 5 years. Now don't tell me that you couldn't have used the money that you COULD have saved and buy yourself a new car or move into a bigger place or finish school!

Third problem was staying with her or having feelings for her AFTER she told you to move in with your parents. Dude, wake up!! She just told you to "go fvck yourself...I'm not helping you one bit...you got your parents to take care of you.."

This coming from a girl who you've lived with for 5 years and practically PAID for her?!

Are you not one bit pissed off about her cold-hearted treatment towards you?

And if you are, then why do you want to go back with her? And don't tell me you aren't otherwise you wouldn't post here asking for our help.

What do you want us to tell you? That it's going to be "alright" and "give her time..she'll come around"? That her "love for you" will overcome her "fear of intimacy with you"? That she is the "one" and keep "chasing her because those 5 years meant something"?

Well guess what? This isn't Oprah.com or DrPhil.com. We're not going to tell you any of those things.

Why?

Because...why should any self-respecting Man should even ponder going back...hell, ponder talking....to a cold-hearted girl who has completely lost interest in you?

You've spent all that time...5 years...all that money...probably thousands...all that energy...all that "devotion" and "committment".....and what are you left with?

Living at parents house while still attending school without a job and very little money (than what you would have had if you hadn't paid for her all these years)...

Best course of action?

Completely cut this girl out of your life.

I know it sounds tough and it's going to be.

But would you rather start fresh OR get completely sucked in to your current situation and continue to be broke and living with your parents while this girl goes off and bangs as many dudes as possible in her new bachelorette pad?

Pick your poison.

 

[brian123]

I've been in your shoes a couple of times bro. The lesson I've learned each time is that everything happens for a reason, and you will emerge from this STRONGER.

If I didn't go through 3-4 heartbreaks in my life, I wouldn't be the person I am happy to be right now. In fact, I am terrified of what I would have been.

Happy relationships don't have drama like you are describing. FOCUS ON YOURSELF.

 

[zzeitgeist]

been there done that...

if shes saying she needs space, shes either already ****ing someone, or thinking about ****ing someone and trust me as soon as she gets the chance she'll be on someone elses **** and everything you've done will meant nothing so get the f.ck out now and save yourself the headache, pain and anguish of finding out shes screwing someone new.

 

[scottfall]

Brian, zzeitgeist and I have all been through the same thing and were all telling you theres nothing else you can do but pick yourself up and move on. It hurts now but this pain is the only thing that forces you to grow into the man you should have been. Rubbing your ex's feet after she told you to **** off isnt cool man.. but weve all been there.

 

[Evolve]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wrULozjHqkI

 

[slaog]

Seems like shes getting everything she wants. Shes used to that I bet because she has you wrapped around her little finger and you then wonder why she isn't attracted anymore.

I was going to suggest a bit of no contact but thats what you're doing. To be honest you should be happy, she is doing you a favour because her behaviour was disgraceful so it's best to avoid and forget about her.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Untill I get asked to sleep at my parents again.


And on those nights, do you really think that she is sleeping alone? I don't.

You and her were done a long time ago. She knows it, which is why she has another guy.

 

[Brutas]

Holy crap. Where to start?

If you've moved in together, might as well just marry her because what's the difference between married and living together like that?

I guess there is no "real" differance but I just wanted to be financially stable before I took on that kind of commitmant. Have a house,realiable cars ect.

Second problem was you paying for her rent. What the fvck, man? How could you possibly afford paying for her rent which included (I'm assuming) utilities and other bills? Did you win a lottery when you were 20 or something?

I was a union journeyman carpenter and going to school at night. I was making about 70k a year and spending it all on bull**** rent,clothes ,flat screens,dogs,top of the line everything.I couldnt have just a vaccuum I had to have a dyson.

And if you COULD afford to pay for her, just THINK how much money you could've saved if you had made her pay for her rent or had not moved her in? Add it all up for the past 5 years. Now don't tell me that you couldn't have used the money that you COULD have saved and buy yourself a new car or move into a bigger place or finish school!

Trust me I know. I wish I would of charged her rent or somthing. Or made her pay a third or somthing anything would have been better than nothing.

Third problem was staying with her or having feelings for her AFTER she told you to move in with your parents. Dude, wake up!! She just told you to "go fvck yourself...I'm not helping you one bit...you got your parents to take care of you.."

I know it seems so easy to say that when looking from the outside. I know she told me to go fvck. I get that. She also said if we were going to work it is going to have to be that way. And I believe her for the most part.

Are you not one bit pissed off about her cold-hearted treatment towards you?

absolutly, who wouldnt be. I threw a huge fit screemed yelled called her names,told her she was heartless. THis got me no where.

and if you are, then why do you want to go back with her? And don't tell me you aren't otherwise you wouldn't post here asking for our help.

Idk, I guess its to hard to throw away the past 7 years of my life. I also truely believe she is not atriculate enough to express how she feels and I feel she loves me, And Im hoping to work through this.

What do you want us to tell you? That it's going to be "alright" and "give her time..she'll come around"? That her "love for you" will overcome her "fear of intimacy with you"? That she is the "one" and keep "chasing her because those 5 years meant something"?

I guess I wasnt expecting to much more than some men who have lived this already and giving true honest advice. It doesnt always have to be the extreme "fvck her she is banging someone else get out of there while you still have you pants."
Sometimes things do work out how you want them to.

Untill I get asked to sleep at my parents again.


And on those nights, do you really think that she is sleeping alone? I don't.

You and her were done a long time ago. She knows it, which is why she has another guy.

I think she is sleeping alone its only been one night that I havent been there tonight will be 2 ,and I just went and took a shower there today, my pics are still up some of my clothes still on the hangers, my pic is on the night stand next to the bed. Yes, I think she is there alone. truely dont think that another guy is the motivation here I think it was a lack of alot things in our relationship.

Seems like shes getting everything she wants. Shes used to that I bet because she has you wrapped around her little finger and you then wonder why she isn't attracted anymore.

I was going to suggest a bit of no contact but thats what you're doing. To be honest you should be happy, she is doing you a favour because her behaviour was disgraceful so it's best to avoid and forget about her.

She doesnt have me "wrapped around her little finger" infact it was the oppisite when we were living together. I would tell her to make dinner and clean and blah blah. That is why i tried to change it up and rub her feet. I thought maybe that that was what she was lacking in the relationship so i gave it to her.

been there done that...

if shes saying she needs space, shes either already ****ing someone, or thinking about ****ing someone and trust me as soon as she gets the chance she'll be on someone elses **** and everything you've done will meant nothing so get the f.ck out now and save yourself the headache, pain and anguish of finding out shes screwing someone new.

See I asked if that what the reason she said no. I said just telll me and we can end this **** right now. I wasnt going to sit around and find out thats what was going on. Besisdes she never went out to bars or anything like that without me. And she works with all old women so idk how she would even meet a guy!

I've been in your shoes a couple of times bro. The lesson I've learned each time is that everything happens for a reason, and you will emerge from this STRONGER.

If I didn't go through 3-4 heartbreaks in my life, I wouldn't be the person I am happy to be right now. In fact, I am terrified of what I would have been.

Happy relationships don't have drama like you are describing. FOCUS ON YOURSELF.

Its obviously not a "happy" relationship at the moment. Thats what I want it to be tho. Im strong willed and stubbern just like the next guy when it comes to women, but for some reason I just cant let her go. Im acting like i am but I really dont want to. I havent talked to her in 2 days and thats the longest we have gone without talking in 7 years. so thats hard enough,I have to take 4 tylonal pm just to get to bed at night and when I wake up the worry starts all over again. I would do anything for that girl but when I have conversations and she says she needs space it makes me want to break stuff. I guess im hoping that it I give her space she will miss me,us, and realize what she had.

 

[Upside]

Are you still thinking about taking her back?

IT IS OVER

 

[zzeitgeist]

Hey Brutas,

You sound exactly like me when I was in your situation... a little bit in denial about the whole thing.

I asked my ex the exact same thing... whos the f.cker? "THERE IS NO ONE" blah blah blah... 2 months later shes in a relationship ****in a new dude... so I dont know if they where seeing each other before that or what not but the point is when she tells you she needs space its not because she wants to be single its because the attraction level is dying or dead. She will swing to the next branch quickly I assure you, its typical, I have been around these types of forums enough that I would be willing to put money on it, and I have experienced it myself.

Listen man, I know its tough and it feels like you have lost a part of you, thats normal. I felt the same way and a small part of me still does.

If your looking to reconcile then the only way to do it is go completely no contact for a minimum of 2 months to clear the negative area surrounding you. You do not want her to start associating you with negative feelings. Once thats clear you need to re-establish contact and work on creating attraction again and being very sexual so not to fall into a friends zone.

Good luck friend.

 

[Brutas]

Hey Brutas,

You sound exactly like me when I was in your situation... a little bit in denial about the whole thing.

I asked my ex the exact same thing... whos the f.cker? "THERE IS NO ONE" blah blah blah... 2 months later shes in a relationship ****in a new dude... so I dont know if they where seeing each other before that or what not but the point is when she tells you she needs space its not because she wants to be single its because the attraction level is dying or dead. She will swing to the next branch quickly I assure you, its typical, I have been around these types of forums enough that I would be willing to put money on it, and I have experienced it myself.

Listen man, I know its tough and it feels like you have lost a part of you, thats normal. I felt the same way and a small part of me still does.

If your looking to reconcile then the only way to do it is go completely no contact for a minimum of 2 months to clear the negative area surrounding you. You do not want her to start associating you with negative feelings. Once thats clear you need to re-establish contact and work on creating attraction again and being very sexual so not to fall into a friends zone.

Good luck friend.

I dont think im in denial. If she wanted to go screw other guys I told her just tell me im not going to beg her not to. ill just leave and never come back.

ALso by she wants space why would she want me to come over everyday give me a set of keys. She just doesnt want to sleep over every night she said 3-4 nights is ok but she still wants to feel like its her place and doesnt want to fall into the same routine again. Why would she risk me going over there and opening the door to her and another guy that doesnt make sense to me. Wouldnt she ask for the keys back or change the locks? or tell me she is going out with the "girls" or anyhting like that I just dont have reason to believe that is what is going on yet.

 

[zzeitgeist]

christ..

Brutas, shes stringing you dude... and if space is something she wants then give her more then she asks for. If she says I only want you to sleep over 2-3 times a week, then only sleep over once a week and make her wonder why your not being her tool and scrubbin her feet.

If she pushes you away push her away HARDER and stop making excuses for her behavior. If your attracted to someone you will want to see them MORE not less, so take this as a sign.

Pullllllllllllllllll back friend or your gonna get hurt really soon.

 

[Brutas]

christ..

Brutas, shes stringing you dude... and if space is something she wants then give her more then she asks for. If she says I only want you to sleep over 2-3 times a week, then only sleep over once a week and make her wonder why your not being her tool and scrubbin her feet.

If she pushes you away push her away HARDER and stop making excuses for her behavior. If your attracted to someone you will want to see them MORE not less, so take this as a sign.

Pullllllllllllllllll back friend or your gonna get hurt really soon.

Thats what im doing. She told me the whole sleep over thing and I just hung up the phone she called back I didnt answer. IM givin her ALL THE SPACE IN THE WORLD. Im just hoping it works

 

[Igetit!]

Wow man. This situation really sucks to be in. I know,I've been there.
The reason that she did this is because the chemistry (at least on her part) has died off. All the fire,the passion,and the excitement that she felt at the beginning when you two first started dating,she no longer feels it. When you've been in a relationship with a woman for a long peroid of time,and all of the sudden she starts doing things that "logically" make no sense,it means that her emotional needs aren't being met. For example,her choosing to move out,live alone and start paying rent,utilities,and other expenses when she was previously living with you with zero expenses. Does this make sense? Her CHOOSING to have unnecessary bills? Choosing to be alone? Of course not. And the worst part about all this is that your response to her behavior made the situation worst. You call her on her job asking her why she hasn't called you? You pour your heart out to her? This is ridiculous. The is almost as bad as being in the friendzone. Ok,well not that bad,but it is bad though. And you want to turn this around and start dating her again? That's a tall order dude. Is it possible? I suppose,I mean anything's possible.
The first thing you need to understand is that when you're asking for a date,or already datng,the woman's behavior is a REACTION to the way you communicate to her. You've heard of,"For every action,there is an equal and opposite reaction.",right? The woman's behavior towards you is a reaction. If you approach a woman,talk to her for a little while,then ask her out,and she says yes,her "yes" answer was a response/reaction to the way you approached her. The opposite is also true.


If you approach a woman,and she turns you down or LJBFs you,her rejection was a response/reaction to the way you approached her. Do you know why I said all that? It's because you girlfriend's behavior to you is a response to your AFCish behavior. This has been coming for a while. She didn't wake up one morning and say to herself,"I'm going to leave him and get my own place".
My guess is that she has felt the lack of chemistry for a while,but she stayed in the relationship because she was hoping that it would come back. And after waiting and waiting and hoping and hoping,she finally had enough.
If you look back at the reationship,I'm sure you'll see all kinds of signals and signs that you missed. You either didn't notice them,did notice them but didn't care,or acknowledged them but minimized them.

My guess is that you would say that you're girlfriend has changed. And you would be right. But if her behavior has changed,guess what? That means you have changed,too. And you changed first! Don't believe me? Ask your self this: The way you used to talk to her when you FIRST met her,the way you used to treat her when you FIRST met her,are YOU still doing those things?
The way you would talk to and treat a woman who you don't know,but who you are romantically interested in,were you treating your girlfriend that way?
I doubt it. Look man,it may be possible to turn this around,but you would need to do a LOT of innerwork on yourself first.

 

[SmoothTalker]

It probably won't. Why? Because you're only doing it hoping it will work. She will most likely sense that.

It only works if you genuinely want her out of your life - that's when they seem to desperately want you back.

But yeah, Brutus, I'm going to have to agree with the other guys. I've been in a similar situation - my story's a bit different but the key point is the same.

She is done with you and looking for/found somebody else. The reason she hasn't cut you out completely is that she is scared, scared that she won't find somebody else and scared of change since her habits with you are so old.

If you don't want to believe it and follow our advice, at least brace yourself so that it hurts less when you soon find out she's dating/****ing a new man.

What you need to do, is think about all the **** she has done to you, and it is some major ****. AND after all you've done for her for so many years? Hell yeah that should piss you off.

Let it, get really damn mad. Then use that anger to do what you're too stuck in your comfort zone to do otherwise - give her back her keys, get your stuff, delete her email/number, tell her "No hard feelings but this won't work, good luck with your future", and move the hell on.

95% certian she will come crawling back if you give it time. If she does, I don't know if I would recommend going back to her, but at least you'll have the power now. If not, good riddance.

 

[Brutas]

It probably won't. Why? Because you're only doing it hoping it will work. She will most likely sense that.

It only works if you genuinely want her out of your life - that's when they seem to desperately want you back.

But yeah, Brutus, I'm going to have to agree with the other guys. I've been in a similar situation - my story's a bit different but the key point is the same.

She is done with you and looking for/found somebody else. The reason she hasn't cut you out completely is that she is scared, scared that she won't find somebody else and scared of change since her habits with you are so old.

If you don't want to believe it and follow our advice, at least brace yourself so that it hurts less when you soon find out she's dating/****ing a new man.

What you need to do, is think about all the **** she has done to you, and it is some major ****. AND after all you've done for her for so many years? Hell yeah that should piss you off.

Let it, get really damn mad. Then use that anger to do what you're too stuck in your comfort zone to do otherwise - give her back her keys, get your stuff, delete her email/number, tell her "No hard feelings but this won't work, good luck with your future", and move the hell on.

95% certian she will come crawling back if you give it time. If she does, I don't know if I would recommend going back to her, but at least you'll have the power now. If not, good riddance.

Should I tell her off one last time and then take my ****? So she knows im serious? Should I just go there while she is at work and take all my **** and leave her keys? what is going to be the best for me? Should I take all my **** and leave a note?

My guess is that you would say that you're girlfriend has changed. And you would be right. But if her behavior has changed,guess what? That means you have changed,too. And you changed first! Don't believe me? Ask your self this: The way you used to talk to her when you FIRST met her,the way you used to treat her when you FIRST met her,are YOU still doing those things?
The way you would talk to and treat a woman who you don't know,but who you are romantically interested in,were you treating your girlfriend that way?
I doubt it. Look man,it may be possible to turn this around,but you would need to do a LOT of innerwork on yourself first.

She hasnt really changed at all just the decision making is a little off. But you are definatly right about how I treated her, But thats any relationship people get lazy. Thats why I was trying be real nice like I was in the beggining.

 

[zzeitgeist]

Your picking a bad time to be strategic and nice. What you need to do is pull back, dont let her know anything, the less you show you care the more she will start to care. She will probably try to call your bluff too so be ready for that and stand your ground.

 

[slaog]

Should I tell her off one last time and then take my ****? So she knows im serious? Should I just go there while she is at work and take all my **** and leave her keys? what is going to be the best for me? Should I take all my **** and leave a note?

No don't tell her off. When people do this they are doing it because the other person has the power over them. Tell her in a nice calm way that you want to take a break from her. Be nice about it and calm.


You're pushing her away yourself. Why? because what you have done is put her in the center of your universe and relying on her for your happiness. When this happens it's like you're wanting more and more of her and this causes her (and anybody else) to run. It's turning her off you.


What you must do is concentrate on yourself. Raise your confidence and self esteem and you'll find you won't need her after a while. It'll be like setting yourself free of her magnetic pull as she stops being the center of your universe.

 

[Brutas]

so what are you guys saying. dont do anything? cause right now we are not talking. She called yesterday morning from work i didnt answer and thats the last attempt at communication. should i take my stuff and leave the keys? or just wait it out for a while? I dont want to call her.