Broken Heart, Any Advice??

[captaincrash4]

Hi,

Right this will be a long post so please bear with me. It will be in 3 parts as it runs over the weekend so I will try and keep it in order of events

Friday

My partner of 7 years has told me on Friday that she isn't in Love with me but still loves me.

Basically 2 weeks ago I discovered she was secretly txting a guy she knows. Something like this happened 5 years ago and we sorted it out and said no matter what we would be honest with each other but for the last 2 weeks all i seem to discover is lies. She said nothing has happened with this guy and swore on our son life.

Now i'm nearly 25 and we have a 7yr old son. My son isn't my biological son and I took him on from the day he was born and i'm scared of loosing him.

She told me she would like to try and stay together ( in the same house) as friends as I do not work as I care for my son (has additional needs) and money, house etc is all in her name. I do have a lifeline at my parents but I don't know what the right decision is as For the last 2 years i've cared for my son and from seeing him everyday to the possibility of not seeing him much is killing me.

I think my biggest fear is starting all over again and being alone as i'm not exactly the greatest catch and I have next to no confidence. Also work is gonna be hard to come by as i've been out of work for 2 years and I just can't seem to see any light at the end of the tunnel.

Friday Night

Basically i've agreed to stay until after the holiady we are going on in 5 weeks, then from that point we will talk to see how things are working out for both of us and if we can't live together then I can stay until I get work and get all my stuff organised to move to my parents.

She sounded like **** and said she hated doing it but she just doesn't want a relationship with anyone and she didn't want to hate me as she i'm her best friend and thought she could get over it herself and press on together. She couldn't do it tho and she said she hates that she has broke my heart twice now as i'm the second most important thing in her life ( our son is first).

I don't want to loose her friendship as she is my best friend too and taking out any relationship stuff we have a great time when we are together. I just don't know if we should have just stayed friends after the first breakup.

I've said I can make the adjustment from being a couple to just friends and I think I can but the thing that keeps coming back to me is that I have to live with her and it will be hard knowing there is nothing more than just friends and I guess over time that may go away? She said she would never say never on a relationship but won't give any hope in case I wait for her and she said she just doesn't know what she wants at the moment but knows she doesn't want to be in a committed relationship.

The rules of me staying are basically the same as they were while we were together as she doesn't want anything to change between us. Obviously no sex but is happy to walk around naked and a sly grope and stuff.

i'm just really confused by this all?? I want to stay cos when i'm here I have a great time but I don't know if I can detach myself to just friends!

Saturday and Sunday

Well we have had another talk last night and she said that she will never take my Son away from me as she can never replace the unconditional love and support i've given to her and my son.

I will be moving out (in the near future) and we both agreed that even if the friendship thing works it can't be long term as it maybe great living together (if it works) but as soon as one of us wants or finds another relationship it will be too hard for either one to deal with. She explained to me that it's not that she finds me unattractive or anything but it's just she is unhappy being tied down. She told me she was going to just keep going with the relationship but feared that she would be so unhappy that she would hate me and in turn I would hate her for breaking my heart even more (which I can understand) so when I found out that the secrets were still happening she couldn't continue to go through it and put me through the pain of not knowing if I could trust her.

If I can find work when I come back from holiday and if it modest enough money I do have a 2 options. I can go live with my parents (there have been difficulties living under one roof in the past but needs must really) or my best mate (who still live at home) said once i'm settled into a job for a few months and if we can afford it we can rent a flat together and it helps both of us out!

I explained to her last night that I still wasn't too sure what she was meaning by she didn't want our situation to change much. I said that the way I took it was that she didn't want to be a couple & didn't want actual sex but everything else like touching etc was still fine and was to be taken as a bit of fun. Now I expected to be knocked back with this but I got "That's basically what i'm saying" she wants no strings attached fun and with this i've not to take any fun we have as a reading of "well maybe she wants to get back together". She said that i've to take it as we are always gonna be friends and if something blossoms down the line then its just an added bonus.

I don't think there is a relationship with her in the near future (as its been clear its only friendship) but both of us have said "Never say Never". I'm still sad about the whole thing but I think there is some comfort that she is saying I won't loose my son and that she still wants me as a friend as i've been the best and most loyal person she knows. I just hope over the next few months I can get work and get my own space sorted out so when one of us moves on it will that little bit easier on our friendship.


I thought i'd type out the whole process (was discussing in a different forum) so you could see my train of thought and see how things developed.

Sorry it's so long and any comments and/or advice would be great!

Thanks for your time!

 

[scrouds]

Wow, so you're like her baby sitter?

7 year old son, 7 year old relationship. She found someone stable, a replacement dad for her son and you just ate it all up.

Now she's tired of putting up with the AFC she's had to put up with for the last 7 years. She's been getting something exciting on the side, except this time you caught her, and she just doesn't want to deal with you.

But you're still welcome to live there and remain her babysitter.

----------

I say go back to your parents' house and look under the teenage muntant ninja turtles covered bed and find the shoe box that contains your balls.

Put them back where they belong, live at home, take your lumps. Get a job. Move in with your bud. This is not the end of the world, just the end of a relationship. This is not the end of the world, just the end of the old you.

 

[NewMan]

This is going to be tough....... but,

You need to stop being a pvssy.

What's she's telling you is this:-

1) I want to fvck other guys (likely she already is)

2) I still want you to be there for me as emotional support - especially after these other guys pump me and dump me.

3) Your not getting any pvssy - and yes, I'm not turned on by you any more, but I've not got the b@lls to tell you that, because your my fall back option should all else fail (because you a pvssy)

4) You've taken over daddy responsibility - and I really don't want that to change, because if it does I'm fvcked. I'll have to pay for child care (so having you grope my t#t's once in a while is fair trade) - and probably no other guy is going to take over that role anyway - so I'll keep you tagging along until I find something better, or I get f'd over.


The truth of the matter is, this relationship is over.

It's going to be hard for you to accept it - and move on, but that's what you really need to do.

My guess is her son has special needs.... doesn't matter much, but you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, her and her son.

She's fvcked you over by lieing once before - and now she's doing it again. You are fooling yourself if you think she is a quality woman or one you can trust - this is a reoccurring issues is it not????

But, all of that aside - you are your worse't enemy. You have low self confidence and your willing to tollerate this kind of treatment. You need to get the hell out of there - and cut off contact with this chick. She really has you wrapped around her finger - she is in control and you need to break the cycle. I wouyldn't go on holiday with her - not matter what, you need to get back control and stop being manipulated by her. Really, come on - why would you even bother with this woman - you won't even be getting pvssy. Get some b@lls for fvck sake.

 

[amoka]

Get out of her place quick, son. At least you have a place to stay temporally until you get yourself gathered. It will be thought but you just have to do it.

 

[Da Realist]

Get out today! Pack your stuff, don't talk to her, and crash at your parents house till you get straight. She is using you for child care and teddy bear for when she has a bad day. If she doesn't want to you as her man, let her deal with everything. If you're still worried about the kid, don't be because you can make one of your own later. I understand you have a broken heart, but where's the anger? The outrage she would even step to you like this? For the short term, you better reach down real deep, grab your balls, and use any rage you got to try to kick life back in the ass so you won't be feeling sorry for yourself!

 

[Warrior74]

You got all the best advice you need in this thread. It's up to you to heed it. Your low self esteem and confidence is probably going to be the biggest thing stopping you from doing this. Don't listen to yourself, don't think. Just go. Stick your fingers in your ears and ignore your inner weak voice and ignore her cries of indignation (how dare you leave me, is what she will really be saying) and just do it. Grab your balls and take action. action fixes low confidence. Good luck man. I hope you make it.

 

[Fallen]

Run!!!!!!!!!!

 

[jophil28]

Basically 2 weeks ago I discovered she was secretly txting a guy she knows. Something like this happened 5 years ago and we sorted it out and said no matter what we would be honest with each other but for the last 2 weeks all i seem to discover is lies. She said nothing has happened with this guy and swore on our son life.

"..we sorted it out .." No you didn't, you just allowed yourself to believe that the first affair was a temporary 'blip' and YOU decided to believe her assurances that it would never happen again. I bet she also layed on the BS about how it just 'happened' and it was mostly harmless and she was 'confused' about her relationship with you at the time, and how the other guy initiated the connection....blah blah. I also have a few dollars which say that she somehow made it out to be YOUR fault that she stepped out.
YOu were not dealing with a woman who just ,"made an error of judgement" you are living with a cheater. THat means that she has a character flaw, and that means that she was certain to cheat again when circumstances and opportunity presented themselves.

Follow the advice that the others have given you here and leave ASAP.
IF you stay around to "care' for her son and play substitute daddy, you are condoning what she did and also giving her permission to treat you like an unpaid domestic servant..and she will do just that.

 

[DJDamage]

This is going to be tough....... but,

You need to stop being a pvssy.

What's she's telling you is this:-

1) I want to fvck other guys (likely she already is)

2) I still want you to be there for me as emotional support - especially after these other guys pump me and dump me.

3) Your not getting any pvssy - and yes, I'm not turned on by you any more, but I've not got the b@lls to tell you that, because your my fall back option should all else fail (because you a pvssy)

4) You've taken over daddy responsibility - and I really don't want that to change, because if it does I'm fvcked. I'll have to pay for child care (so having you grope my t#t's once in a while is fair trade) - and probably no other guy is going to take over that role anyway - so I'll keep you tagging along until I find something better, or I get f'd over.


The truth of the matter is, this relationship is over.

It's going to be hard for you to accept it - and move on, but that's what you really need to do.

My guess is her son has special needs.... doesn't matter much, but you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, her and her son.

She's fvcked you over by lieing once before - and now she's doing it again. You are fooling yourself if you think she is a quality woman or one you can trust - this is a reoccurring issues is it not????

But, all of that aside - you are your worse't enemy. You have low self confidence and your willing to tollerate this kind of treatment. You need to get the hell out of there - and cut off contact with this chick. She really has you wrapped around her finger - she is in control and you need to break the cycle. I wouyldn't go on holiday with her - not matter what, you need to get back control and stop being manipulated by her. Really, come on - why would you even bother with this woman - you won't even be getting pvssy. Get some b@lls for fvck sake.

Listen to NewMan

Start reading the DJ Bible: http://www.jbspencer.com/djb/

 

[trajhenkhet02]

I had a similar situation occur except I can almost say I wasen't as invested in the situation as you. In this situation things get worse before they get any better. Much worse. In fact they only get better when you take charge. I've heard the I don't love you but do love you line before. Let me tell you, such notions do not exist. Someone that really loves you does not put you through anguish or plays games and leaves you in suspension. When things got bad for me I moved out, payed what was left of my share of the rent for the last 2 months of rent and moved back in to my parents. It's not the most glamorous thing but it beats being an AFC and getting used and abused. I can't even begin to fathom why she would walk around you naked and not give you any. Talk about a mind game. Take comfort knowing you were straight up about things and you did everything reasonably possible to make things work. You can walk away. You'll find life does not end. If you can find a way to travel or find a hobby that you like to do that will help you from self destructive thinking. Try and date take a break if you need to. Hell go out with friends and mates, go out with different people just because.

 

[Zunder]

The sooner this beeatch realises you don't need her ass, the better.
Get out and go forth and fvck as many other women as you can.


I can understand your attachment to the kid.

You can wait until the kid is a few years older and then give him the real deal on what happened between you and mommy.
In the meantime, live your life pal.

You are still SO YOUNG. I wish I had this advice when I was your age.

 

[radiodude]

So you've been with her since you were 18? You're now 25?

You've spent the last 7 years of your life with this woman caring for her child from another father who she had right around the time she met you at 18?

I don't know what else to say other than this was a collossal mistake on your part.

You've missed out on a major part of your young adult years. Get out now while you're still in your 20's.

You've now become a figure in this boy's life. And of course mommy doesn't want you like that anymore. You now have to face walking away from him and what that will do to him, all because of decisions made on the fly back when she needed you.

 

[Captain]

OK, most things that needed to be said have already been said in this thread, but I'll write it out myself.

My partner of 7 years has told me on Friday that she isn't in Love with me but still loves me.

This means that she is not sexually or physically attracted to you.

Basically 2 weeks ago I discovered she was secretly txting a guy she knows. Something like this happened 5 years ago and we sorted it out and said no matter what we would be honest with each other but for the last 2 weeks all i seem to discover is lies. She said nothing has happened with this guy and swore on our son life.

Obviously, she hasn't been honest with you. For all you know, she has been cheating.

Now i'm nearly 25 and we have a 7yr old son. My son isn't my biological son and I took him on from the day he was born and i'm scared of loosing him.

7 year partner, 7 year son. She got knocked up by some charming jerk, and then latched onto you to provide a stable home for him.

She told me she would like to try and stay together ( in the same house) as friends as I do not work as I care for my son (has additional needs) and money, house etc is all in her name.

Your wife has all the power in this relationship. She is in control. She is using HER son as a bargaining chip.

[quoteI think my biggest fear is starting all over again and being alone as i'm not exactly the greatest catch and I have next to no confidence. Also work is gonna be hard to come by as i've been out of work for 2 years and I just can't seem to see any light at the end of the tunnel.[/quote]

Don't be afraid, every man can learn to be attractive (and find his balls in the box under his bed in his parents house .)

She sounded like **** and said she hated doing it but she just doesn't want a relationship with anyone and she didn't want to hate me as she i'm her best friend and thought she could get over it herself and press on together. She couldn't do it tho and she said she hates that she has broke my heart twice now as i'm the second most important thing in her life ( our son is first).

She cheated, and now she has to get over something? She should be the one apologising to you. And she called you her best FRIEND. Has she told you that you were her best lover in the past 7 years?

I don't want to loose her friendship as she is my best friend too and taking out any relationship stuff we have a great time when we are together. I just don't know if we should have just stayed friends after the first breakup.

The most important thing that keeps a relationship going is the ability to walk away. The ability to end it at a moment's notice without fear of hesitation.

I've said I can make the adjustment from being a couple to just friends and I think I can but the thing that keeps coming back to me is that I have to live with her and it will be hard knowing there is nothing more than just friends and I guess over time that may go away? She said she would never say never on a relationship but won't give any hope in case I wait for her and she said she just doesn't know what she wants at the moment but knows she doesn't want to be in a committed relationship.

She cheated, and now she's acting as if you cheated. And you're accepting that. She has all the power.

The rules of me staying are basically the same as they were while we were together as she doesn't want anything to change between us. Obviously no sex but is happy to walk around naked and a sly grope and stuff.

She is controlling you. You should be having sex. She is giving you just enough flesh to keep you slightly happy, the worst part is that you don't seem too unhappy about the lack of sex.

i'm just really confused by this all?? I want to stay cos when i'm here I have a great time but I don't know if I can detach myself to just friends!

Forget about being friends.

I will be moving out (in the near future) and we both agreed that even if the friendship thing works it can't be long term as it maybe great living together (if it works) but as soon as one of us wants or finds another relationship it will be too hard for either one to deal with.

Don't live together with a woman who you aren't going to have sex with (family and college roommates are exceptions.)

She explained to me that it's not that she finds me unattractive or anything but it's just she is unhappy being tied down. She told me she was going to just keep going with the relationship but feared that she would be so unhappy that she would hate me and in turn I would hate her for breaking my heart even more (which I can understand) so when I found out that the secrets were still happening she couldn't continue to go through it and put me through the pain of not knowing if I could trust her.

She doesn't find you attractive. If she did, there would be sex. Why are you happy with being tied down? Especially to a woman who will not have sex with you? And you can't trust her. She's spent 7 years lying to you. Giving out second chances make her lose respect for you.

I explained to her last night that I still wasn't too sure what she was meaning by she didn't want our situation to change much. I said that the way I took it was that she didn't want to be a couple & didn't want actual sex but everything else like touching etc was still fine and was to be taken as a bit of fun. Now I expected to be knocked back with this but I got "That's basically what i'm saying" she wants no strings attached fun and with this i've not to take any fun we have as a reading of "well maybe she wants to get back together". She said that i've to take it as we are always gonna be friends and if something blossoms down the line then its just an added bonus.

She isn't relationship material at all. You should not be in a relationship with her. You've seen what happens when you are. The honeymoon period is all rosy, but then it's back to its boring, sexless, lying usual.

 

[Alle_Gory]

Oh

My

God....

 

[RandallLambert]

One word came to my mind.

Cuckold!!!!

Here is what you did wrong.

You took the girl in when she was heavily pregnant with ANOTHER MAN'S CHILD.

Then you let her off the hook for texting a guy 2 years into your relationship.

Then she does it to you 5 years later?

Have you not realized she has ZERO RESPECT for you?

You are a walking meal ticket- this is past nice guy, this is something new.

RUN!!! Get out of there!
This relationship is over.

You figured you could keep her by doing all this nice stuff for her all this while and now you've ended up used and thrown out. There is still time for you. Make up those 7 years back. You can do it.

 

[AlphaPimp]

Dude, she's basically using you in the absolute worst kind of way, and your putting up with it. You and her son may have become quite attached to each other, but it is still her kid, and she's basically using You as an unpaid baby sitter. By remaining "friends" she is basically saying that she wants to keep you around to use you. Never say never = false hope to keep you around. She's a cheater and she doesn't respect you. Moving back with your parents for a while is really going to suck, but it's what you've got to do. completely detatch yourself from her, she's only going to try to use you again. " The eyes believe themselves, the ears other people. Look at her actions rather than her excuses. Move out, get your life back together, read the dj bible, meet new women, start lifting weights to get your testosterone flowing, and don't ever let anyone disrespect you like that. Tigers rarely change their stripes, you didn't work things out 5 years ago, and the "friendship' is a Machiavellian joke on her part. people like that are like cancer, you've got to cut them completely out of your life despite how bad it hurts or they'll kill you. Good luck bro, let me know how it goes

 

[Frog X]

sosauve needs like a crack team of DJ's that have their own jet to fly out to this guys place, b!tch slap him then straighten out his life.

They can call it DJ eye for the AFC guy.

Seriously, if I was you, I would grab all my stuff and go to my parents then have zero contact with her.

Man she fvcked you over good...

 

[PSYCHO]

It is not your heart that is broken - it is your head!!!!!

Let me fix it!

Because I'm a psycho I see things that others miss!

The crux, the backbone, of your problem is YOU - your HEAD!

You said, "I'm not a great catch". You may not be, I don't know, but why degrade yourself further, by not only rejecting your physical self, but also degrading your spiritual self, by accepting a hor and her bastard child as your own??? HUH?????

The child is NOT yours!! Understand this! You are a emotional fool that must be corrected, because you think as a woman! And because you think as a woman, thus you will NEVER complement a woman - and thus, no woman will see you as a mate - because your head, mental state, emotional state, is not one of a man!! It resembles too much of theirs (feminine), and thus you are no longer, and never were, complementary to her - you were used, UNDERSTAND??

The child is not your son and the hor is not your wife!! Never was, never will be - it was in your head - your head is the problem!!!!!

Sorry to inform you after 7 years, but your life was a lie, because you were not grounded in reality, you were in a self deluded state!! All men who embrace a hor as a worthy subject are!!

 

[Liberated]

Run like hell and find a decent priced h**ker to get that AFC knocked out of you. :crackup:

Screw the kid, break the bond. It is easier than you think.