breaking up with a solid woman: trusting the gut feeling

[rbd]

Well here I am with another relationship that is about to hit the skids, after around 9 or so months.

Unlike my last one (a 2 year one with what I found was a borderline girl -- ended with me having to call the cops on her), this girl is about the exact opposite. She's kind, loyal to a fault, trustworthy, responsible and super caring. She can cook like a fiend, and she's also smart, and attractive, with a great sex drive and the same personality type as me (INTP, which is really rare in women). And the worst part of it is that the ball was in my court. If I had stepped up, I could have kept this going indefinitely.

There's a few reasons why I didn't:

1. She's 7 years older than me, with two (great) kids, but...I'm just not at that point in my life yet. She never has given me any pressure on this, but throughout this relationship, I kept having this feeling going back and forth: could I settle down with this girl? Was I ready for this comittment? She'd have another kid with me, but there is that premade family aspect, too. In any case, I felt like if I did settle, I'd always have the wandering eye, or not be really "settled" mentally. I really wish I was there, but I'm not...it's just a feeling.

2. The sex, while she is pretty good, is "lacking" in some aspect. And it always has been lacking. This is the major aspect. I can't describe it exactly but it's nothing like what it was with the previous girlfriend (and of no fault of hers, she's definitely not a dead fish!). Sex with this one is occasionally pretty damn good. With the other one, it was amazing all the time. Not sure if the crazy factor comes into play here with the previous GF, buit I think her having a few kids has a role in it unfortunately (from a biological standpoint). Something about a biological compatibility, possibly. I just didn't feel as much.

But what gets me is that nagging thought that I'm passing on something really good here. I guess at the end of the day all I have is my gut feelings, and my gut feeling here is telling me she'd make a better friend than girlfriend. Definitely someone I want in my life for a LONG time, but I don't think we're ready for the same things in our lives.

So my question is, have any of you guys been in this situation before? What were your experiences? What did you end up doing, and was your gut instinct right? I've learned to trust my gut on these kinds of things but it is never an easy kind of decision when you find a good woman like this. I was on the bench with her for much of the relationship due to issues #1 and #2 above, and it wasn't really fair to her how it wore off. She put up with that from me a lot longer than I'd put up with it from some woman I was dating, that's for sure...

rbd

 

[pdx1138]

Interesting RBD, I've just been through this as well.

Everything the same as yours, except the 2nd girl didn't have kids and was 8 years younger than me.

Our relationship lasted 4 months.

She decided to break up with me last week. A big part of it was my lack of participation. I got kinda bored with her. She was a really nice girl though. A complete 180 from my previous, though like you, the sex wasn't as hot.

What really lacked for me was the hot passion. Everything was good until the 2nd month. The "new ness" of our relationship just kinda fizzled out and I made little effort to refire it. I found myself constantly looking at/desiring other women. That and I couldn't stand her snobby older brother who she's very close to.

It was a number of little things that got me uninterested.

I was a bit sad about it for a few days, but in the end it was the right thing to do. We're still friends.

It proved to me there are some really nice, respectful women out there.

 

[sodbuster]

The 2 kids thing is the biggest issue.... they will be yours for braces and college tuition, but when they screw up your life...YOU can't yell at MY kids[ask me how I know]

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear RBD,
She sounds a useful Lady to have around....I am boring you all Shvitless I know,but at the risk of seeming tedious,why must Men see every relationship as being on the Road to Marriage?....Presuming you are not living together,you should just right size the relationship,stop seeing so much of her,just slowly disinvolve,without any bun fights....Let her become your "bit on the side".....For a while she will be your principal FB,she will do until you get a few plates spinning.....with a couple of kids,she might appreciate the time anyway....
As for your being bored at 9 Months,that's normal,but as Sodbuster says the Kids are the Road Block on any agenda she has for you both.

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

You're only 29 years old. I don't know when or if you had planned on having kids, but you have plenty of time. And as you said, you're not ready yet.

With regard to children, it's hard enough raising your own. To step into a situation were the woman already has two kids makes it even more difficult.

And if the sex is somewhere lacking or not totally fulfilling now, it would probably go downhill from here.

Sounds like you made the right decision.

 

[Geniuskhan]

I've been in a situation similar to this not so long ago. I was with this girl who for the most part was a good woman. She was the mother of three, about a high 6 inthe attractive department and she wasnt flakey. There were other things she wasnt in my book but she was cool. I genuinely liked hanging out with her but i didnt love it. The sex was mediocre at best, but we clicked. We were on again off again for 2.5 yrs. Anyway, one night after sex I happened to glance over at her and started thinking what the hell was I doing with this woman. I liked her but I didn't like her enough, she wasn't what I wanted in a potential mate, he'll I didn't even care to have sex with her to be honest. She wasn"t really all that neat when it came to her surroundings which for me is an obsolute necessity. She barely even cooked an she had 3 children. However I kept rationalizing in my mind that " This was a good girl" and I should be happy an not so picky about women. To make a long story short even though this woman an I were really good friends I messed that up by not being honest with myself an her. My gut was telling me to leave but I didn't. Instead I stayed, the relationship became more an more routine , an we became more an more indifferent towards each other. I messed up the friendship I had with this woman because I wasn't honest with myself an her, and on top of all of that I wasted time that I'll never get back.

My biggest beef with most women is that they communicate in this sort of passive aggressive action with us men when theyre not interested or feeling a certain way hoping we"ll just get it When the fact of the matter is coming out an just saying what it is that one wants could save everyone one involved a lot of heartache an wasted time. I said all of that to say this -

If I were you I'd go with my gut. The gut never lies. It also sounds as if your still hung up on the sex you used to have with your ex. If this is the case your current gf doesn't stand a chance no matter how gf worthy she may be.

 

[Delly2000]

I think you are making the right decision.

This sucks because you and her are compatible. She sounds like a good woman. However it doesn't mean she is the right woman.

I don't think mentally ,as you have admitted, you can get pass her having the kids. This maybe stopping you from committing or whatever. It isn't fair to her and it isnt fair to you staying in a relationship. She will get over it.

I cant be hard at you at all because I have done the same thing in the past.

I am not gonna talk about the sex because I dont think thats the main thing here.

You still feel for the ex? Was this current one a rebound?

1) Don't go back to the ex.

2) Date women that fit your criteria of non-negotiables. (i.e. attractive, educated, no kids, etc).

Easier said than done right?

 

[TonyBaloney]

1) Don't go back to the ex.

2) Date women that fit your criteria of non-negotiables. (i.e. attractive, educated, no kids, etc).

Easier said than done right?

I would defo concur with Delly.


Was in the sitution myself with an older woman w kids a few years back - she was a multi millionaress with 4 kids and was 13 years older!

Great great sex - but i thought to myself `cant give up the game - shes gonna look s hit in a few years, and i will only stray` you GOTTA GOTTA trust your gut - last girl i was with was after a bpd situation, and although new girl was `safe` i didnt feel it in my gut......but i rebelled and didnt listen to it until i just got sick of her and stopped having sex....thats when i really knew it wasnt good....that'll start to happen to you if you stay.....




Have always wanted to ask scaramouche to start a thread about his life and times as he's a seasoned DJ...... Will you scaramouche????

 

[AW1983]

Have always wanted to ask scaramouche to start a thread about his life and times as he's a seasoned DJ...... Will you scaramouche????

+1 - A Scaramouche biography written in his trademark prose would be epic. :yes: