Breaking up, an essential part of many relationships?

[E-Z Rider]

This doesn't pertain directly to anything currently happening in my life, but the advice tip "Breaking Up is an Essential Part of Many Relationships" sort of got me thinking.

How many times on here have I seen the general advice that goes something like this; a guy gets dumped, but not your typical 'flat' dump, there's still a little indecision on her part it seems. But she ends up dumping him, regardless. And this guy gets told basically that he should next her forever, b/c it will never work with her again, she won't respect him, she'll cheat on him, etc.

Now, I'm going to argue that the tip article I mention above contradicts the general line of advice given here. But first, let me state the context: I'm not AT ALL challenging the advice given on how to TAKE a break up. I know firsthand that taking it gracefully and moving on is MUCH better for yourself than to dwell on it and try to save it. What I'm talking about is the notion that once it's over... it's OVER.

I'm not sure if the advice given here is meant to be 'over-harsh' in an attempt to snap the guy's mind out of one-itis (b/c we all know that if you allow yourself to think "well maybe if I wait a week, I can get back with her" you'll just prolong your misery). I'm talking about in the large picture, a matter of months or yrs, not days or weeks. After you've calmed down, met some new girls, had some experiences, and she's done the same....should you ever entertain the thought of getting back together?

I know there are lots of times when successful marriages result from two people who have broken up in the past. I'm not really talking about taking a break, but a real BREAK UP, even a 'dump'.

I can remember from one of Pook's posts, he talked about his sister, who kept breaking up with her boyfriend, getting back together, until he basically set his foot down and told her to take him or leave him, but let it be final. And he went on to say the two are now married.

I read in Reader's Digest (yes, I actually read that sh!t) that something like 78% of "first-loves" who broke up then reunited years later ended up having long marriages. 78% is a damn high success rate for a relationship.

So, just by looking at the world around me, I start to see how breakups aren't neccesarily the end-all they are chalked up to, but that they often result in successful relationships. And more often than common wisdom would have you think, they are neccesary. (I've started to think of this as kind of like pruning a tree. You kill a part of it so it can grow back later, and grow back stronger).

Now I'm not saying that you would break up with the specific purpose of getting back together. But you should be open minded about it- if you get dumped, don't hesitate to forget about her and move on, but if the chance happens that you could have her again sometime down the line (and if you would even want her, excluding the history between you), then why not go for it?

So, given my explanations and arguments above, do you think we should rethink our advice to people who come here saying they just got dumped, or to people who ask if they should talk to their ex?

Discuss!

-E-z

 

[Trance]

78%? Where did u get those numbers from? And what if the guy is her 1st but he isnt, and vice versa? Point some scientific basis for that number plz

 

[E-Z Rider]

Originally posted by Trance
78%? Where did u get those numbers from? And what if the guy is her 1st but he isnt, and vice versa? Point some scientific basis for that number plz

If you really care, call up Reader's Digest, lol. I don't even know if it was 78% exactly, but I'm sure it was 70-something percent. It wasn't an article or anything, just a little blurb that pretty much stated exactly what I wrote.

So I don't know anything specific about that number. But overall, from observing the world around me I have to say that there IS a considerable success rate for couples who get back together, which is my point.

bump

-E-z

 

[dillin]

Out of every couple I know they have all atleast broken up once and got back together, alot of them are still together after years but it just seems that every couple that I know atleast gets back together.

 

[ManOMan]

I know many people that broke up, got dumped, etc and now they are together again. Some are happy, some are not.

I think an important factor here is age. Some people just arent mature enough for a relationship, so they sabotage it. My friends that have worked it out with their ex's were late 20's or early 30's.

young folks in their early 20's just havent been around the relationship "block" to see whether what they had was good or bad.

Sure a guy that gets dumped can try to swoon his ex back & it MAY work.

The theory of NEXTing is to try and forge a guy , give him strength to grow and develop and not be used as a doormat.

Nexting may be hard at first (especially if you are in love and rejected) but eventually as you keep doing it, you learn it becomes easier and easier.

But if you keep giving people a false sense of hope, they tend to cling on and never get over a girl that dumped them and they can never grow and move on.

 

[dillin]

Originally posted by ManOMan
I know many people that broke up, got dumped, etc and now they are together again. Some are happy, some are not.

I think an important factor here is age. Some people just arent mature enough for a relationship, so they sabotage it. My friends that have worked it out with their ex's were late 20's or early 30's.

young folks in their early 20's just havent been around the relationship "block" to see whether what they had was good or bad.

Sure a guy that gets dumped can try to swoon his ex back & it MAY work.

The theory of NEXTing is to try and forge a guy , give him strength to grow and develop and not be used as a doormat.

Nexting may be hard at first (especially if you are in love and rejected) but eventually as you keep doing it, you learn it becomes easier and easier.

But if you keep giving people a false sense of hope, they tend to cling on and never get over a girl that dumped them and they can never grow and move on.

Good points you made but I still know alot of couples who are under 20 and got back together.

You know the last thing you said about how they can cling on with a false sense of hope and stuff, yes I agree but what about how when it's the guy who gets dumped for whatever reason and he just moves on with his life but it always seems everytime the girl comes back to him so how can it be how men sorta cling on to a false sense of hope but women come back once the guy moves on? I notice that the guys always pretty much over the girl when she comes back?

What is it that triggers women to come back once a guy has moved on, and I know the relationship still works alot of the time aswell?

 

[dillin]

interesting post... bump

 

[NewMan]

Some interesting posts and thoughts here.

Being in my early 30's and having gone through a breakup - I would say there are some valid points to this.

Many couples get so wrapped up within the relationship that they don't realize what they have until it's gone - and they've lived life without that person for a while.

After being "Out there" and seeing whats available - there's certainly a case for going back to an ex.

Now I would say that if the realtionship was disfunctional in some way - there's very little chance. But some couples just lose perspective and direction. Either one or both get off track and the relationship degenerates.

I wouldn't count on it - but you never know.

 

[E-Z Rider]

Yeah, these replies are interesting.

I guess my 'refined' point would be that, although after, say, a woman dumps you, it is absolutely 100% correct to move on and forget her. It saves your dignity, and it probably wouldn't have worked anyway, at least at that time. But after a while, after you've both gone seperate ways, you shouldn't restrict yourself from getting back together if it happens.

That seems intuitive enough I guess, but I know I've read people giving advice saying to never consider a woman again once you've broken up once- that you 'broke up for a reason' and it won't work.

A different side to this is in standing up to a woman who really loves you, but is acting out of line. Usually this can happen when she says she wants to break up, that the relationship 'isn't right', but then says she can't live without you. It can be healthy to end the relationship yourself, even if it hurts her. Basically, LJBF her. And continue your life. Odds are, depending on how much she actually was into you, she'll make a strong case to get back together.

I guess overall I'm trying not to think of a breakup as a neccesarily final thing. But then again, that's dangerous advice to give to n00bs who will look for any excuse to hold onto their one-itis.

Kind of a grey area

Thanks for responding, all. -E-Z

 

[drake]

hmmm.

This post has hit home very hard!!

I was on this sight for a couple months asking advice on how to get my ex back and kinda got mixed reviews. I broke up with her and thought that I could "one-up" her....you know, thinking that you found something great then there must be something greater!!

People here would preech,"you broke up for a reason, move on.......you have one-itis" all this stuff. Well, that is true. I broke up with her for a reason. But the VALIDITY of my reason was pure sh!t now that I look back on it. When you break up with someone, you can look back at the relationship objectively and analyze why you did this and that and what the outcome was. You have lived with that person and now you are living without them. You can remember how they made you feel, and currently how you are feeling without them.

Breakups are good things I believe in a since because it allows you to do what I stated above and really see what you valued the most about that person.

Timing is everything. I read a cosmo article "why guys dump girls they dig". 4 of the 6 were me!!! Scary I thought. Basically it was talking about timing and where a guy is at in his life. Me personally, I did not like where I was in my life when I was with my ex. My financial situation was not there and I still felt like I needed to play the field a little more to see if I actually met the ONE.

That is exactly why this post has hit home. I felt like a$$ when I broke up with my ex. I kept asking myself why I did it, and my answers were just horrible and unreasonable. After we broke up, we ignored each other for a couple months (let things cool) cause she pretty much hated me for breaking up with her.......and now we are talking and working together (4 months later). She tells me things like, she is not over me, she knows that we gave the relationship very little effort, she has not found anyone like me since the break-up.....etc. I feel the same way. I dated and found nothing close to her in those 4 months after the break-up. Saturday night we hung out (non-work related) and had a great time. It just feels so right to be with this girl.

You truly don't realize what you have till it is gone. And sometimes it takes that person being gone to really make you analyze what you value in a girl, and what that girl really had to offer you. I do believe that there are certain people that just arent compatible. But that is another thread.

Im rambling but you get the jist!!!

 

[stuartSan]

Kinda discussed this in the Moderators Forum a while back. Was boggled by how I could be AFC and get more results than being a 'DJ'. Came to a conclusion that you can act any way you want, as long as in your mind, you have your own goals and dreams and am working TOWARDS it. Not just staying still or stepping back. When you have a desire to succeed and take action, you simply attract so many positive things that it'll scare you for a bit.

I find this topic really relating to my experience lately, so I'll share it with you guys. Here it is:

There was a post a while back by me, about me being in a rut. So basically at that time I had no goals, no nothing. Just complaining. Too hard to get to school, no car, no access to public transport. Not enough money.. no support from parents, blabla. Little did I know that most of the very successful people today also went through the same sh*t as me, probably worse. Then I read a book, which had a saying 'Give a hungry man a fish, and you feed him for one day. Teach him to fish, and you feed him for life.' That sentence alone changed my perspective towards my parents and I stopped complaining.

Okay so anyway, I had this girlfriend right before I was in this rut, and during I never had goals or even a job. Just bumming. She treated me bad, and I tried to be as 'DJ' as possible. Well she dumped me for another guy, and told me she can't see herself commiting in this relationship because she doesn't feel secure enough. The insecurity breeds from me not being able to support her financially. When it happened, my mind was screaming 'ENOUGH, ENOUGH OF THIS CRAP, NEVER WILL ANYONE CALL YOU AN UNSUCCESSFUL PERSON AGAIN'. I said "No prob, goodbye.", it didn't affect me much (and it showed) because I was too immersed in having my own future plan. I was angry at myself because I knew I needed to do something about my life but didn't, and here a chick dumps me because of that. I had a day of wallowing in self pity though, and thats why I let everything off my chest on the board.

I got hired the very same day I got dumped. It was just a stepping stone for me. Knowing that theory wasn't my cup of tea, I decided to get into hairstyling. I talked to my parents like I only had one day left to live. It took quite a while but I finally managed to convince them to loan me the cash for my studies. After my second day of work, I got invited to a party. My ex was there. With another guy. So that explains why she's always been out at night right before we broke up. She was doing things behind my back. It really hurt. And then I found out that he was 28. (I'm 21 this year and my girlfriend is 20). Comforted myself because after all, I 'lost' to a cradle snatcher. Also knew that I'd be much better off than him when I reach 28. Yeah he could pay everything for a 20 year old, but seriously.. I don't think he's even ready for life. Smiled at the thought of that, and thats what covered the hurt I felt.

Now all of you would agree that forgetting a girl like this is what you should do, especially when she left you for someone else! Thats what I did. I really soaked myself in my dreams. Saving up money (I'm quitting my job on the 31st to start my classes! Yay!). Well guess what? One night after clubbing (she was at the same club and saw me), she called me. Dialogue was something like this:

Her: I have something to tell you.
Me: Oh, I already heard about your boyfriend. If its about that, you don't have to tell me much because I'm okay about it and I have much more important things in my life to worry about right now.
Her: Eh, who told you about that?
Me: I'm not stupid, you know.
Her: Well actually, the thing I wanted to tell you has something to do with that.
Me: So what is it?
Her: Umm.. hold on for one sec. (She types an SMS for me)
Me: (Receives SMS that read "hey, do not want to sound weird and all, i just miss you.. I really do!")
Me: Why don't you just tell me since we're talking on the phone right now?
Her: Well.. I feel kinda shy to admit it.
Me: Uh okay.. and?
Her: What if we had the chance to get back together?
Me: I'm not ready yet, just gimme some time to think. You have a boyfriend now you know.
Her: I know, but blablablablabla....

2 days later I told her I was done with my thinking. She broke up with that dude and got together with me again. She now treats me so good I never even knew she was capable of that. I'm still holding on to my dreams, and I have the list on my cupboard which I read everyday with Maxwell Maltz's quote "Humans are like bicycles, it'll fall if you don't keep moving towards a goal". That really keeps me going.

Well, its been 1 1/2 months since we got back together again, and things are so good in the relationship that I don't need to do anything. I do see her everyday, talk to her on the phone everyday, get gifts for her out of the blue, and all the other AFC stuff. She does the same. I'm up to the point where I don't care how I act anymore, I just want to be me, because thats what I'm really comfortable with. Not afraid of her leaving again, because I've already been through it, and it won't hurt as much anymore. I doubt it'll happen again though. Just like E-Z Rider said, I also posted the exact same lines in the Mod Forum, saying that this board tends to make things black and white, DJ or AFC. I'm in the grey area at the moment and its like an epiphany to me now. An awakening. Its like "I can do anything I want to, can I?" and still get girls. Some of the hardcore DJ principle-people might say that this won't last, because I'm AFC and she left me once before and yada yada but I know that things are going to go well for me.

Maybe its our own perspective? Honestly I've seen guys do more AFC stuff than me and have solid relationships that last up to years, and still going. I don't know, I'm still learning in this game of life. But from what experience has taught me so far.. it doesn't matter if you act 'DJ' or 'AFC'. Argh my post is really disorganized and I can't articulate my thoughts into words.. so I'll just leave this for later.

 

[dillin]

stuartSan I agree with what you said it's just that if you give the more "AFC" advice or whatever you want to call it to the newbies they cant handle it so the "DJ" way is the best. Not to say the hardcore DJ stuff isn't good, it is good but you also have to think about things yourself because I think your gut feeling is always the best.

And yeah I think what you actually think and feel is more important than just what you say.

I'm curious how long did it take for her to call you after you broke up?

 

[stuartSan]

Amen to gut feeling!

It took her either 1 or 2 weeks, dillon. Forgot exactly how long.. all I remember is that she left me on the day I got a job, which is a Monday, and she called me after clubbing, which was a Saturday (Sunday early morning actually).

Well basically all I have to say is, if you're really a 'newbie' (which I don't think anyone is when it comes to life) the only thing you should be reading is self-development material instead of 3 second theories or PU skills or NLP and stuff. After that when you start working towards whatever you want, you automatically attract all the good things too. Seriously. I don't think its a coincidence that good things happen to me when I feel good, and nothing good happens to me when I feel bad.

You're not singing because you're happy, you're happy because you're singing.

Keep that in mind the next time any of you are feeling down. It helped me a lot.

 

[dillin]

I'm surprised she came back after only 2 weeks after you brokeup or was it 2 weeks after she saw you at the club? Usually it takes a few months atleast.

 

[zimzum]

and the conclussion is??

if a girl dumped you, wait a few months, and if you want, try to get back to her...it cant be too difficult...if she doubted when she broke up with you?

 

[NewMan]

I agree with most of these posts....

But the thing to think of here - in stuart's position is this....

It's OK to do things that are percieved as AFC - calling and talking on the phone fopr an hour etc.... PROVIDED - you can walk away at the drop of a hat and get on with your life - provided the woman is not everything to you - provided your life is complete without women....

Thats the difference. The AFC's lives are not complete - or they don't believe they can be complete without the woman...

That to me is the key.

Realize that women are women are women - that you will be fine without her and you don't NEED her - but want her in your life.

Thats the difference.

The AFC believes she his life - the pvssy is his life - the DJ KNOWS that he's his own life - and he controls it - not her.

 

[stuartSan]

I was suprised too. Two weeks after the breakup.

The conclusion is this world is not as black and white as this board tends to make things be. A LOT of good things can happen out of the DJ-AFC scope (except for stalking and crazy stuff like that, but hey.. whose to say there isn't a one-in-a-million chance a girl wouldn't like you to stalk her?). There is no such thing as either you're an AFC or a DJ. There's always YOU. Life will slap you in the back of your head when it feels like it, then give you a box of chocolates after that. The world is just too unpredictable to live by techniques, theories and rules.

If I asked the sites opinion about wether or not I should've gotten back with my ex, a majority would've said its a stupid thing to do. I personally thought so too because I've been fed with SoSuave's information for years now. But I took a chance because I enjoyed hanging out with her. Call me an AFC if you'd like but all this fun is just too good to pass up just because I want to be a 'DJ'. Even if it lasts for a short while (I doubt), I'd feel richer in life's experiences being through it instead of just hiding in a shell. Who would've thought she'd go out of her way to treat me real good constantly until now even after all the 'AFC' moves I pulled?

Being well versed in the DJ Bible doesn't necessarily guarantee you multiple bangs on a daily basis. Striving for continuous self growth will. I think that has always been the base of this site. Would also be great if people here put more emphasis on it instead of techniques that would program her to like you subconsiously and all that.

 

[stuartSan]

Oh man I'm so engrossed in this topic its scary. In reply to NewMan's post, that was my point.. so I agree with him.

Self development would:

- make you feel proud of yourself.
- make you love yourself.
- be your cushion to fall on in bad times.
- attract good things into your life.
- and many many more.

So you see, you can act like the biggest AFC ever or a DJ, but if you strive for personal growth, it doesn't matter what happens, because when things are good, you feel great! When things go bad, you still feel great. And I don't know bout you guys, but people like these get to be on the top of my friend-prospects list. You give off vibes, like it or not, of your personality. Garbage in, garbage out.

We reap what we sow (or something like that). Plant flowers and you get flowers. Be idle/lazy and weeds grow. You don't need to actively do anything to be negative, but you have to in order to be positive. When you TRULY have something going on in your life, small things like deciding how to act around a girl won't matter to you anymore. It is only then that you are 'a true DJ'.

Aah I feel like I'm straying off the topic.

 

[E-Z Rider]

Originally posted by zimzum
and the conclussion is??

if a girl dumped you, wait a few months, and if you want, try to get back to her...it cant be too difficult...if she doubted when she broke up with you?

No, that's not really my point. In fact, I'm not trying to create any 'conclusions' at all. I was merely arguing *against* the percieved conclusion that already existed- that getting back together was a strict no-no.

IMO, there are very few hard-line conclusions that can be drawn from anything pertaining to girls. In fact, the only one such thing I can think of is the advice typically given to guys who are afraid to talk to women; that stuff is hard to argue with. But almost everything else is up to interpretation.

And by the way, stuartSan- I agree almost 100% with your last post.

-E-Z

 

[dillin]

Maybe its our own perspective? Honestly I've seen guys do more AFC stuff than me and have solid relationships that last up to years, and still going.

I'm wondering how it is some guys who are total chumps and totally kiss ass to there girlfriends and are there emotional tampons and whatnot how they actually stay with there girls for over a year? You know these guys don't even have the right mindset inside eather.