Breaking the cycle?

[squirrels]

I'm in an odd situation with women in my life...it's a cycle I want to break out of so I can be satisfied with myself and play the game on my terms for a change.

I'll fall very easily for a certain woman. Conventional wisdom says that the traditional way to overcome this fixation with one girl is to date other women. Unfortunately, this alone doesn't work for me. Either I end up replacing one "one-itis" with another one, or I go through a string of one-night and two-night stands which leave me unsatisfied.

There's obviously something I'm missing. Maybe I just have an "addictive personality"...I'm not sure. The point is I want to know how to effectively break out of this cycle to a point where I can just let go of women for a while...treat them as experiences instead of core facets of my life. They shouldn't be this important to me. I shouldn't be thinking about them when I'm supposed to be focusing on work, or my hobbies, or other things.

Tips?

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo Squirrels,



Learn a lesson from basic biology:

Anything you feed GROWS.

Anything you starve SHRINKS.

I've found that the more I focus on women, the more they become THE focus of my life. And subequently, I've found that the less I focus on women and the more I focus on other things, the OTHER things become larger and more important in my life.

I had to change my focus like this several times over the last 6 years or so, and I'm thinking I may be due for another "refocus" adjustment. lol

Believe me, it's true what Tony Robbins says, and I paraphrase:

The only way to change how important something is to your happiness is to change what that thing means to you. If you can successfully change what you associate having women in your life with, you can then, as a result, change how you FEEL about them.

Example:

If you can mentally and emotionally associate more passion, happiness, thrills, etc. to the PROCESS of acheiving a worthwhile goal than you currently do with getting or having a woman, you can tip the personal contentment scale in your favor.

As this "other" thing becomes your greater passion, women will naturally start to fall from their present lofty place in your hierchy of wants/needs.

Why? It's what I call the Law of Choice Sacrafice:

When you make the decision to devote the MAJORITY of your emotional energy to one thing, all other things inevitably are deprived of receiving the bulk of your attention.

I've done this with different things in my life before. And I'm right now in the process of doing the inner work necessary to keep my desire for women at a level where the emotional equilibrium of my life can remain unaffected by their presence....or LACK thereof.

Hope this helps, soldier...





Peace...one day.

 

[blueguy]

Hey, that's a good post by VU. Sometimes you hear a guy say that he only likes the challenge of getting a girl rather than the prize itself. It's kind of a messed up way of thinking because like VU said, you can challenge yourself in ways other than women and feel satisfied about your accomplishments. It all depends on how you've wired yourself. Personally, I feel that girls are on the backburner once again in my life. I'm to the point where, once I get a gf again, I will feel content basically and the challenge isn't to get a better girl but to use her as a supportive structure to help me with my more important challenges and goals in life.

I've heard other things about regrets of not banging enough women or experiencing enough variety of women and losing opportunities in their 20s and 30s. This is the same placing-women-as-priority as mentioned before in that opportunities in other areas of life aren't regretted as much. It's up to you if you want to feel that way (as if women are the most important thing in your younger years), but I choose not to believe that way myself anymore and don't regret having not randomly ****ed that one chick I met in a club last week.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

I've heard other things about regrets of not banging enough women or experiencing enough variety of women and losing opportunities in their 20s and 30s. This is the same placing-women-as-priority as mentioned before in that opportunities in other areas of life aren't regretted as much.

That statement right there is pure GOLD.


Troops, just think about it:

A lot of sidebar talk goes on here about being THE MAN in general, but notice how much of it is preoccupied with acquiring women. And I'm guilty of this myself. And I DO realize that understanding and successfully relating to women IS an important aspect of a man taking control of his life. BUT...

What if we ACTUALLY did focus the MAJORITY of our time on other areas in our lives like being more fit, advancing in our career, becoming excellent in our artistic passions, helping those less fortunate, and growing more spiritually, etc the way we FOCUS on getting, keeping, and controlling women?

I wonder what kind of men would some of us be then?

Probably happier, more confident, more content, more accomplished, and more SELF-ACTUALIZED for sure.

Now I'm not saying that everybody is out of balance here, or that women rule the lives of everybody here. I do realize that many of us ARE multifaceted and make no apologies for it.

No, what I AM saying is that:

Truly having a passion in our lives greater than banging some fine ass chick is probably the most successful, non-emotionally traumatic, and fulfilling form of "Plate Spinning" there is.

Yeah, what the FUKK would happen if we all developed ONEitis in our own GODDAM selves?????

Wonder, how much BETTER men we would be...?




March on.

 

[kyphan]

I sometimes wonder if anyone else finds information here useful in other areas of their life. There are a number of articles and posts I have thought were great, except I was thinking about my job or a hobby because it made more sense in THAT context than with women.

My point? If your focus in life is women, you will apply everything to women. If you balance your interests you will balance your life.

 

[squirrels]

I'm not saying I DON'T want to randomly f*ck chicks any more, although I'd like to start a relationship at this point in my life...or maybe two or three going at the same time.

I just don't want it being so significant a part of my life that it consumes my thoughts as much as it does. It's like whenever I have "default time" when my mind isn't directly focused on a task or issue, I start thinking about women, and I don't think that's healthy.

 

[flexion_]

Well clearly you are judging your success in life based on success with women. That needs to change. I guess the question you need to ask yourself is what things in life inspire you? Because right now it appears to be only women.

I suppose the harsh way to knock yourself out of the cycle is remove women from the picture completely. Go out in the woods camping for like 2 months or challenge yourself to excel at some all male sport where in these situations women aren't readily accessible and see what pops out as your motivator.

 

[lee36044]

I'm not saying I DON'T want to randomly f*ck chicks any more, although I'd like to start a relationship at this point in my life...or maybe two or three going at the same time.

I just don't want it being so significant a part of my life that it consumes my thoughts as much as it does.

Stick with the random fvcking or one relationship then! Unless you mean "friends". Two or three relationships at once will fill up all your time and leave no room for thoughts of anything but how to keep each of them from finding out about the others! Right back where you started from. Only now you are always thinking about relationships instead of women in general.

 

[d9930380]

It's a hard one. I don't feel it's worth it unless the girl is worth it and then I also get oneitus. Getting a random **** isn't hard after all but it doesn't change my life (make me happy).

I've accepted it and now thanks to this board I I'm just trying to keep my AFC tendecies under control when I do get oneitus but I'm not going to try to avoid it because it's that what makes me happy (I'm just trying to not let them know that).

 

[grinder]

Although this forum has a large variety of info on self-actualizing, by default, the laser-focus is women. So, just by being here (as VU says) we feed the focus on women.

I think spending a lot of time here can get one in a pattern of over-thinking and overanalyzing our relations with women. And this is not natural.

Tips? Take a break from this place for a few weeks or a month. I did it this summer, and surprise surprise, I found my own pattern and balance, and, of course, I “accidentally” bumped into more women without even trying.

I don’t mean to get all philosophical on you but a Zen concept and the DJ mentality are quite compatible here:

In Zen, there is the total lack of TRYING to do or grasp anything. The DJ parallel has been stated many times here, as Pook says “Kill that desperation”, kill the TRYING. When you are in the company of women and your truly, really, and honestly do not give a sh*t whether you do this or that, or try this or that technique, and just “be natural” the results are amazing.

And by being natural, I define this as having absorbed some of the great concepts here. The stuff comes out naturally if you give it a chance.