break up with a girl due to her health?

[DJDanny]

IMO medical conditions are no different then any other aspect of a person. It's no different from a fat ass, or a *****y attitude. It is and will always be a part of that person and affect your relationship. Just like every other attribute it's up to you to decide if it's something that you're comfortable dealing with. If it's not you shouldn't feel guilty especially as it was a pre existing condition and you've been together a whole month, after all attraction isn't a choice. Don't try to force it because you feel bad for the ****ty hand they got dealt in life.

I personally have Crohns disease, I handle it well, I don't hide it from girls but I don't go around broadcasting it either. Some girls probably get turned off when they find out, fair enough, most don't seem to care at all or they run out and buy books to learn more about it.

 

[mikeraw]

Dude,

Some women like to get sympathy by mentioning their health issues... expecting a white knight to rescue them or help them through their ordeals. Guys are more honorable and loyal than women, it's part of our protector side...

Check this out:

http://constitutionclub.org/2008/07/31/tyler-ziegel-and-renee-one-year-later/

That guy was out fighting for his country. He was doing something honorable and this chick just divorced him shamelessly.

And read this Roissy post about this chick with Crohn's disease:

http://roissy.wordpress.com/2009/01/30/january-2009-beta-of-the-month-winner/

Since it's still early in the relationship, you should just pack up and get outta there.

 

[TheTraveller]

Dude,

Some women like to get sympathy by mentioning their health issues... expecting a white knight to rescue them or help them through their ordeals. Guys are more honorable and loyal than women, it's part of our protector side...

Check this out:

http://constitutionclub.org/2008/07/31/tyler-ziegel-and-renee-one-year-later/

That guy was out fighting for his country. He was doing something honorable and this chick just divorced him shamelessly.

And read this Roissy post about this chick with Crohn's disease:

http://roissy.wordpress.com/2009/01/30/january-2009-beta-of-the-month-winner/

Since it's still early in the relationship, you should just pack up and get outta there.

seriously, dude? Those links are a *little* extreme.

 

[squirrels]

And did you end it with her due to the sympathy leverage or something else?

Since you're interested...I learned a LOT from dating this girl BTW...

I ended it with her because every time we had sex, she would start crying because we weren't in a "committed relationship", and I got tired of talking her down from that crap. It got to the point where I couldn't even get hard f*cking her because I knew what was coming afterward.

So yeah, she was trying to use both sympathy-leverage and sexual leverage to force me to commit to her.

I mean, I saw the red-flags a mile away...parents went through a messy divorce where one would play her against the other, on an antidepressant ****tail, string of bad/abusive relationships.

I kept her on, though, for a lot of reasons. 1) She was fun to go out with for random crap and often introduced me to cultural aspects of my life that I hadn't touched on before. 2) She seemed to be strong-willed and I thought that maybe she was on the verge of "breaking through", of being a survivor rather than a victim. 3) She wasn't up my arse constantly, and I was dating 2-3 other girls at the time, so she wasn't imposing an undue burden on my lifestyle.

But I kept her at arm's-length because the more I saw her, the more I saw "the cracks" in her persona, the sneaky tricks she pulled to try to suck me in, the way she was trying to make me "the bad guy" to conform to her previous relationship pattern and the way she was trying to sexually manipulate me.

The FM was just another weapon in this arsenal...although rarely, she would use it as a "pity-party"...the ol' "I give so much and I need someone to take care of ME occasionally!".

Eventually, she tried to pull a "power-play" with me...she came right out and said, "I can't keep having sex with someone I'm not in a committed relationship with...it hurts too much emotionally". Apparently she expected me to go chumpwise and commit to keep getting the p00n.

I went the other way..."I like hanging out with you, but I dont' want to hurt you...so let's just date for a while without having sex and see how it goes."

That effectively ended the relationship. That one suggestion stripped her of any remaining power she THOUGHT she had over me.

Lesson: don't try to fight women on their level. Rise above it...and let them either rise to meet you or fall back down on their own merit.



But back on topic...the disease isn't a problem in itself. The problem will be how SHE handles it, whether it affects how you relate to her, and whether she tries to use it to "play victim" and manipulate people, or whether she is committed to fighting it and making the best of it.

 

[5string]

Get off his back.
The OP comes on here with some genuine human concerns about a dilemma he finds himself in and asks for some comments and suggestions. Instead of getting a little man to man support from all of us, he gets ripped apart by anonymous wannabe DJ's beating their d!cks on their computer screens.

The way I read it is this - he is attracted to a woman who has a medical condition that could present her with some serious complications in HER future, and Traveller finds himself in the unenviable position of having to consider ejecting because of the interference that her disease may cause.

Like TO said - a tough call.
ON the one hand we are not obligated to stay with someone out of pity or duty (unless you are married) but then again, leaving a perfectly good woman because she has some bowel inflammation is rather superficial .

IF he wants to continue to date her, then I would suggest that he research the condition and get a good understanding of how her disease has progressed, and an update from her on her prognosis.

Jophil always amazes me. Could not have said it better. This guy has found that he get's along great with this woman. Not at all unreasonable to wonder about her condition. Read up on it. Study it. Find out about her course of treatment and how she deals with it. You will then be well armed to answer your own question. In the meantime, enjoy her company.

 

[BeyondCharm]

I'm going to re-advocate spinning more plates. You and this girl might be having an amazing time but you are honestly a little bit too concerned with this one girl after only a month. IT tells me you are already having LTR fantasies about being with her and that's why you raised these questions.

I understand the need to understand a situation where you are with a woman who has a medical condition.

However, if you are having fun with her/amazing time, by no means stop. I'm not suggesting you stop seeing this girl, i'm simply suggesting you spin a few more plates... unless your scared to spin more than one plate in fear you might lose the one you're spinning..

 

[jophil28]

IMO medical conditions are no different then any other aspect of a person. It's no different from a fat ass, or a *****y attitude.

Oh, a medical condition like colitis is way less serious than a fat azz or a b!tchy attitude. I could live with the former, the latter disorders are dealbreakers.... .

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Traveller,
I was presented with a similar situation long times ago.....very nice Lady had chronic thrombo-phlebitis it took her three months to tell me about it,told me she had had two near misses where she had been in intensive care,she couldn't dance for more than two numbers without collapsing in a heap....one of the few Phsycho therapists I have met who was nearly normal,great in bed and an entertaining conversationalist.....after some serious thinking I gently eased myself out of the situation...subsequently this lovely girl married another guy on the dancing scene....On the grapevine I heard she had been close to death last Winter...Different illness but same principle...just think traveller if she were a motor car with a defective main bearing that meant you couldn't go on long journeys or get up to a reasonable speed,any moment it could start weeping oil on the clutch,would you deliberately chose to buy it,when you have a choice of other vehicles?

 

[TheTraveller]

Oh, a medical condition like colitis is way less serious than a fat azz or a b!tchy attitude. I could live with the former, the latter disorders are dealbreakers.... .

I completely agree. There's no way to deal with a b!tchy attitude.

 

[TheTraveller]

Dear Traveller,
I was presented with a similar situation long times ago.....very nice Lady had chronic thrombo-phlebitis it took her three months to tell me about it,told me she had had two near misses where she had been in intensive care,she couldn't dance for more than two numbers without collapsing in a heap....one of the few Phsycho therapists I have met who was nearly normal,great in bed and an entertaining conversationalist.....after some serious thinking I gently eased myself out of the situation...subsequently this lovely girl married another guy on the dancing scene....On the grapevine I heard she had been close to death last Winter...Different illness but same principle...just think traveller if she were a motor car with a defective main bearing that meant you couldn't go on long journeys or get up to a reasonable speed,any moment it could start weeping oil on the clutch,would you deliberately chose to buy it,when you have a choice of other vehicles?

Sure, if there was another option out there for me with everything else being equal except no chronic medical condition, I might take the one without the chronic condition. But since I'm a month into it with this one and no other plates, and this scenario of comparison I just mentioned is not very realistic, I'm up in arms as to what to do.

I really enjoy spending my time with this one.

If I could predict into the future and see that she'll be fine with this chronic condition and it won't adversely affect a potential relationship with us I wouldn't be posting this thread as the condition would not worry me.

It just seems like any advocate of spinning plates here is really saying that I should try to find someone without a medical condition who is the same or better than this girl. I really don't know what to do. Spin plates just to take this girl off her pedestal or LTR early crowned throne?

 

[KontrollerX]

"I'd feel like a total douchebag if I dumped her to the curb."

Don't.

You've got to watch out for #1 in this life.

Ain't no shame in that brother.

Women watch out for themselves first too.

I read a story on here a while back where some miserable b!tch used a guy for companionship and strung him along while she fought cancer.

Once she was cleared of it the cvnt ditched him.

So don't feel sorry for women's predicaments.

They don't give a sh!t about yours.

 

[DJDamage]

Why are you so worried about the future?! live in the now.

If you are currently happy with this chick then continue dating her. Nobody said that you have to marry her.

If it happens down the line that her sickness is causing a burden on the relationship and on you then end it.

Simple isn't it?!

 

[TheTraveller]

Why are you so worried about the future?! live in the now.

If you are currently happy with this chick then continue dating her. Nobody said that you have to marry her.

If it happens down the line that her sickness is causing a burden on the relationship and on you then end it.

Simple isn't it?!

True, but wouldn't that be like deceiving her if I pretend all is well now while knowing that if the sickness takes a turn for the worse it means potentially lowered s3x drive on her part, frequent bathroom trips, lack of sleep and mood changes?

I figure since it's not like this right now then you are right, live in the present and don't worry about this potentially messed up future.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Traveller,
Those of us observing from the sidelines can see your little boat is heading into the pack ice....This Girl is growing on you,you are a nice chap and I am sure she is lovely too...You are seizing on the least bit of even mildly positive comment the way a drowning man grabs at a piece of floating jetsam...but underneath it all I sense you understand the realities of your situation....For you things are fine just now,enjoying the passion of a new love is wonderful,but it wont last...."Brave the music of a distant drum".....believe it or not I was once 29,seems like yesterday,I thought being 65 would be such a long way away,faced with your dilemma I would have done what I think you will do....don't be a silly bugger....even today I would if it were available enjoy svx with a reasonably attractive partner say twice daily...my mate who married the Lady suffering colitis,a horny bugger in his youth,apart from the odd affair and encounters with girls from the village,hasn't enjoyed regular sex since he was 35....sure that might be OK for many guys,but what about you?....Traveller,you are not the sort of bloke who can see life as a series of uncommitted relationships,so much of the advice that experienced DJ's are offering is like water off a ducks back,you will not spin plates you have a deeply ingrained sense of decency...still you owe it to yourself to at least discuss the possible directions that a relationship with this girl might take,at the very least considering that we are talking about your life,go and talk to a specialist in this area,not her doctor,but a Male selected at random out of your phone book and discuss with him your directions,ask him what he would say to his Son if he were in a similar predicament......Oh well should you ignore my pessimistic,possibly cynical words,then at least be assured that a special place is reserved for you in Paradise.

 

[TheTraveller]

Scaramouche, you are by far the most eloquent writer on here. Your choice of words are amazing and I thank you for that.

Just going to arm myself with some medical research and advice, keep on having fun with this girl and also keep on talking and escalating with other girls that strike my fancy and do things day to day. Heck, if I was to be with just this one girl she probably lives day to day because of her condition. No reason for me to think ahead of that.

Relationships being such a complex thing, I think anyone on here who gives thoughtful advice is deserving of a spot in at least dj paradise.

 

[TheTraveller]

On other thing - she has said the longest relationship she's been in was 4 months. Now, at 25 this seems odd. Is this lack of her being in any significant relationships even worth rationalizing about? Apart from her condition she seems very well adjusted and I was shocked when she told me.

 

[Fingerling]

I've had colitis for over 10 years and 9 of those years I just thought I had ibs untill I gotba camera put up my @rse. Nope I didnt like it

It's not a big deal, if it's controlled you lead a normal life and it only really affects you (depending how bad you have it) after you eat certain things. Just don't take her for a curry then try an pot the brown lol

 

[ElChoclo]

I know a guy married to a sufferer. They took out a portion of her intestine and now she has no an#s, she uses a bag. He doesn't get any, and even if there was some on offer would it be any good? She wasn't a bad sufferer at first either. His married life is hell.

As the mafia says, why take a chance?

 

[Franky Four Fingers]

Women watch out for themselves first too.

I read a story on here a while back where some miserable b!tch used a guy for companionship and strung him along while she fought cancer.

Once she was cleared of it the cvnt ditched him.

So don't feel sorry for women's predicaments.

They don't give a sh!t about yours.

Not sure if you are referring to my story I left on here a while back but this was my exact situation. I helped my ex BPD through Cancer, doing the whole nine yards, many Chemo sessions in the hospital by her side + radiation treatments, went to every doctors appointment etc.

She did exactly as you mentioned, ditched me shortly after she was Cancer free.

Fast forward to the present;

It's been about 3 years since then and her Cancer has returned only this time she doesn't have a solid stable man by her side. Go figure.

Lesson learned: No matter how hard you try to do the right thing always watch your back.

 

[Poonani Maker]

I have no qualms about DQing an ailing woman. I respect her or her family for informing me of her condition up front, but if it limits sex, if we can't sit down for more than an hour without her having to get up and go to the bathroom, etc etc, then I'm sorry, I want no part of it.

Think about it. IF...She was perfectly normal, Would she have Anything to do with YOU? Would she be more b!tchy? She would certainly have more options. She'd be the at the call of every beckoning "better, richer, faster" guy, and you'd be just another dude in her rolodex.

I know this sounds anti-women, but I guess I've been "DQ'd" by many women based upon their perception that I don't care about them enough because I won't pursue them, pay for diner, buy them shoes, and on and on, like all the other swingin d!cks. I have no qualms. Call me a bad guy for it.