Break-up email letter from BPD EX

[usernamedox11]

I was deleting my emails and I'd figure I'd show you guys an email from a BPD EX that was sent to me. The very next morning, she called me saying she didn't want to break up anymore. The relationship lasted another 3 weeks after she sent this email till I called it off with her after she threatened to go clubbing to get other male attention.

This is an example of how manipulative people with BPD can be. Can't take their word for anything. If you see anything like this, RUN. Even in this letter, she puts me on a pedestal and subsequently knocks me off it.

Dear *My Name*,

I wanted to write you and tell you that I'm sorry I couldn't (or didn't) make it work with you. I've always wanted to be able to, but for whatever reason(s), maybe my heart isn't "in it" like you said. Maybe that is fear, or maybe I just can't open up to you for reasons unbeknownst to me.

I want you to know that I really do love you and hope you find your life partner. I'm certain you will. You're a great person and I'm sorry I couldn't figure out how to be patient and more understanding of you. I really think that the stuff that bothers both of us about one another won't be such issues (if issues at all) with the right person/people. You probably don't care what I think at this point, but I wanted to try and be heartfelt and not hurtful in the end.

Thank you for all the positive experiences we've shared together over the past year. I'm sorry for the negative ones. I know sometimes I've been all over the place, but I don't think there's something wrong with me as you've inferred (and said explicitly) many times before. I think there's something wrong with me IN this relationship. I really do think I'll be calmer and more easy going now by myself. Maybe that's destiny. If it is, I'll be okay. I'm just sorry that you've seen me at my worst. I've been in a dark place the last year or two (+), and time alone will probably benefit me and anyone around me. I think I've lost my hope and my fire in life. I'll have to find it.

As much as I wanted to work things out with you, I don't think I'll ever know how. Half the time I don't know whether you're being serious or just giving me a hard time, but I honestly don't agree with a lot of your views about women and the roles of people in relationships. Maybe you're being sarcastic, but I don't think so. If you are, I missed the joke...

We've had a lot of fun together. We've also hurt a lot. I don't want to hurt you anymore, and I don't want to feel hurt. Because whether or not we understand the other persons reasoning, we both know what it means to feel and be hurt. When things are right, people don't hurt.

I'm glad I met you. Even though this didn't work out, I think you're an incredible, smart, caring person, and you deserve the world. I'm sorry I wasn't the one to give it to you. Thank you for always showing me a good time and being so generous with me. I have felt really special and I'm grateful for all of those experiences together.

One last thing: I think it ruined us as a couple by bringing up the future so early on. If I had known it would cause us all these problems, I wouldn't have decided on that ultimatum, or whatever you want to call it. It was truly the kiss of death. I won't make that mistake with anyone ever again (although at this point I'm completely turned off by the idea of starting any other relationship ever anyway).

*My name*, I want to apologize for saying things that were mean and hurtful to you. I regret not being able to take any of those things back.

Love,
*her name*

P.S. nvm, I forgot.

 

[Driggs]

That sounds sincere to me. Apparently there is new research showing that BPD has some very serious cognitive components, including a lack of understanding certain types of transactions, economic and otherwise.

As much as I wanted to work things out with you, I don't think I'll ever know how. Half the time I don't know whether you're being serious or just giving me a hard time, but I honestly don't agree with a lot of your views about women and the roles of people in relationships. Maybe you're being sarcastic, but I don't think so. If you are, I missed the joke...

Sounds like she's serious here. I think she is also telling the truth that it hurts.

I found out yesterday that my BPD had told lies about me within her friend circle-- no mutual friends-- essentially accusing me of a crime, she claimed I had threatened to kill her in a phone call, which was completely untrue.

But I certainly did scold her for misbehaving, and the thing is, BPDs internally amplify feelings-- they are said to feel rejection ten times as badly as normal people do.

I've put in quite a bit of time reading about that disorder over the last month. I feel terribly sorry for her but I really don't want to be around her or really have anything to do with her.

Someone explained that they act like women but ten times as bad. Normal women are bad enough.

 

[usernamedox11]

Well, actions are louder than words. If a girl really wants things to work out, she'll do everything in her power to make things work out.

She was just doing the BPD push/pull crap. I think she thought she believed what she was saying, but she is not cognizant of the underlying issues that caused her to constantly put a relationship she wanted to work out in jeopardy. It's because of the BPD.

No more than 3 weeks after this letter and me breaking up with her, she told me she was emotionally abused by me in this relationship and that her self-esteem is in need of much repair after what she went through with me. And she accused me of trying to turn her into a white-slave because I liked her to cook for me. She said she was "gravely" depressed because of me and that she never felt good enough for me. That is quite a reversal from her saying in the letter that I was an incredible person.

They believe what they want to believe at the time, and they may feel it strongly, but their beliefs are not set in stone and are constantly changing.

Guys, remember this, if you suspect your girl has BPD and she starts saying stuff like in the letter, RUN.

 

[mikey2012]

Classic BPD. Got many emails like this also.0

 

[Lotus Effect]

Funny. Reminded of the first breakup letter I've got from mine, back in June.

The same BS. She dumped me. She was f*cking another dude. And even so se told me the exact same amount of sh*t as your ex said. I have the msg on my facebook. But since I've frozen my account, can't get it to share with you guys the amount of crazyness on that letter.


Seriously, it is exactly the same. It is even kind of creepy!

Too bad I was blindfolded to the truth back then.

Anyway. +1 Exp in my life!

 

[TheODB]

Is she actually diagnosed as being BPD? If not, you do realize that not every person who misbehaves or acts emotionally volatile in a relationship has BPD, right? In fact, the vast, vast majority of people do not.

There are many, many good things about SoSuave; the tendency to mistake all female relationship tomfoolery for "BPD" or some other personality disorder is not one of them, and leads me to believe that most of you don't know much about it.

 

[usernamedox11]

Is she actually diagnosed as being BPD? If not, you do realize that not every person who misbehaves or acts emotionally volatile in a relationship has BPD, right? In fact, the vast, vast majority of people do not.

There are many, many good things about SoSuave; the tendency to mistake all female relationship tomfoolery for "BPD" or some other personality disorder is not one of them, and leads me to believe that most of you don't know much about it.

Not officially diagnosed but she most likely is one, based on my relationship with her (constant push/pull and white/black splitting), her childhood trauma with her dad abandoning her at a young age and dying, and her going through her first divorce at 21.

 

[Driggs]

ODB, you know, that may be true, but in a number of the cases here, these are women who have a pattern of self harm, physical violence, sexual promiscuity, substance abuse, inability to hold jobs, irrational rages, comorbid factors like depression, sometimes hallucinations, dissociative episodes, etc etc in addition to the patterns of extremely disturbed relationship function.

Not many of us here are likely to be psychiatrists and even psychiatrists have difficulty pinning down the specific B-cluster illness that someone may suffer from-- but if someone has seven (or nine) of the nine signs of BPD, and exhibits crazy behavior that is also crazy-making in others, I'd call that a "street diagnosis" and say you should stay the hell away from that person.

How many women have you run into who were totally nuts? What exactly is it that they have?

Up to SIX PERCENT of the general population have BPD. 75% of those are women. That means 6% of everyone you run into, and somewhat over six percent of females. So that means that in your dating life you are VERY likely to run into more than one of these bizarre creatures.

ODB, I see what you're saying and you could call it a jargon usage and leave it at that. But my guess is that many of these women actually are in fact BPD.

 

[iamnobody]

she puts me on a pedestal and subsequently knocks me off it.

Well phrased, this is how their internal engine works. I've repped you for your eloquence.

 

[Driggs]

What are some things we can extract from the behavior of these psychos to use for our own benefit?

They are very effective at what they do, even though they aren't trying. Why is that?

 

[joker79]

as Rollo says, "the apology is for her, not you". The article below is enlightening.

http://therationalmale.com/2012/02/14/guilt-of-conceit/

 

[PlayHer Man]

I could of said her entire letter in one sentence and it would mean the same thing. Don't believe me? Watch this:

"Dear *Your name*,

I'm sorry for being myself in this relationship. Wish you the best!

Sincerely,

*Her Name*

:crackup: :crackup:

Women are so inefficient with words sometimes. For so many words.. she says a lot of "nothing". Its redundant.

Good post.

 

[iamnobody]

What are some things we can extract from the behavior of these psychos to use for our own benefit?

They are very effective at what they do, even though they aren't trying. Why is that?

What I found out on my own that works with these fruitcakes is being a bastard with tons of narcissistical traits.
Dangle commitment in front them but never commit. Make her feel like you're with one foot out the door to amp their abandonment issues and, subsequently, the crazy sex. Be seen fvcking other chicks.

However, it's not worth it, unless you want a fvckbuddy. These creatures are well versed in manipulating people, most likely she will twist your brain cells tip it hurts without even realising it...

For the sex alone a BDP is really not worth it. And, besides sex, they can't offer sh1t. And, in the end, karma is a b1tch.

 

[5string]

Classic denial and ultimate sh!t test. If you asked her back, she would run into your arms.

Should have replied....."Thank you. Make sure to take your meds honey".

 

[usernamedox11]

Classic denial and ultimate sh!t test. If you asked her back, she would run into your arms.

Should have replied....."Thank you. Make sure to take your meds honey".

I never replied to her or that email. The following morning, she called me saying she didn't want to breakup anymore because she had nightmares of me sleeping with other women.

I love how she tried to construct some eloquent piece of literature in this email and then proceeded to misuse words and insert commas where they do not belong. I guarantee every text response from this woman looked something like this: "lol i will c u when u get back 2nite" or " i luv u honey but im going out w my gurllssss l8r. text me tmrw." If she wants to write in formal prose at least get the email proofed. Damn.

She actually always tried to have proper grammar over text, at least for the most part. She used text slang here and there. She once misspelled "per se" as "per say," and I told her that. She freaked out and got mad, LOL.


I'm not a grammar expert or anything. I am genuinely interested to know where she inserted the commas in the wrong places? I was always taught to use a comma and a conjunction in order to connect two independent clauses. She did do that as far as I could tell. She also seemed to put the commas after her dependent clauses in places where she used them.

 

[joker79]

The following morning, she called me saying she didn't want to breakup anymore because she had nightmares of me sleeping with other women.

Just out of curiosity, what was your answer to that? you told us that the relationship latest another three weeks .. did you take her back immediately?

 

[Bokanovsky]

That sounds sincere to me.

No it does not. It sounds very generic, like those post-interview rejection letters (we used to call them "f*ck you letters"), where they say how much they enjoyed chatting with you, and that they had to make a difficult decision choosing between many qualified candidates, and that they wish you all the best in your future career, blah blah blah. It's a crock of sh*t in a Godiva wrapper.

 

[usernamedox11]

Just out of curiosity, what was your answer to that? you told us that the relationship latest another three weeks .. did you take her back immediately?

Yeah, I did. Still wanted to bang her, lol.

 

[pdx1138]

Thanks for sharing OP,

Sounds like the BPD I had too. I never got email like that, but spoken, very similar.

After 1 year in and her breaking it off, I vowed to never initiate contact or suggest hanging out on the weekend...but she continued to and I managed to bang her for another year once or twice a month, then got tired of her and went ghost.