Break up closure

[ThomasF375]

I'm a 31 year old Doctor that works normal hours. My ex and I had been dating for 2 years,with the first year being unofficial until she finally brought it up. We were political opposites but that didn't bother me. She had issues with me owning guns but I just kept them locked up and it wasn't really an issue.

About 6 months ago she started having issues with me not keeping in contact when I would go out of town for work. We would talk every night but she seemed to want me to text her during the day while I was away. When I got back one weekend 6 months ago she started in on how we needed to talk because we weren't doing new things together but just staying at home watching tv and going out on the weekends. She started crying and hugging me and I proposed a week long break. She immediately ever so slightly wanted to make sure I wouldn't be hooking up with anyone since I was going to Miami for my friends bachelor party that weekend.

Anyway halfway through the break she called me saying she just wanted to say goodnight and that she missed me. We talked after a week and she admitted that she had concerns about us one day having kids and having guns in the house. I assured her I didn't want my kids around guns either and we both agreed to do more things together and the break ended.

Things got really great after that. We were both very into to one another and went out and did things together. The sex became regular again and we were both happy. Then recently, things started to detioriate back to their old ways. She rarely seemed to want to have sex so I started to get agitated. We started watching tv together all the time and not really talking. All our convos got short because we both tried not to disagree with each other.

3 weeks ago I told her I bought another gun and her face turned red and looked very concerned and said "what?" then got very quiet. We didn't discuss it further.

2 weeks ago I decided to bring up the tension and lack of sex when she was at my place. Earlier that same day we had made plans to do things a month in advance so I wants planning a break up, I was only trying to foster better communication. Once i brought it up I told her things were not working out, we both talked and she started crying saying she thought we were too different and that she knew I had been trying but that we had fallen back into our old ways. I agreed and pretty stood firm and didn't try to fight it. Finally she said she should probably go and I told her to get her stuff. She said she loved me we kissed goodbye and that was it. 2 years down the drain in 5 minutes.

I was fine for the first few days then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I just feel like I could have been more honest about what we could do to fix it, but at the time I didn't want to come across as a little *****. I know NC is the way to go but part of me wants to call her and close things out so I can move on. I have already gotten on dating apps despite the advice of some of my girlfriends who told me that will crush her if her friends see me and tell her. I know it will since she gets very passive aggressively jealous and it may force her to not talk to me over stubbornness. At the same time, I need to move on in case things don't work. Just worried her finding out will end any chance of us working things out.

She always had me looking through her phone for stuff and gave me her password so I'm not worried about another guy. I keep wondering if I shouldn't have initiated the convo or if I should have tried to be more conciliatory like I was the last time we went on a break. I really do love her and want to make it work but I don't want to seem needy. At very least I feel 5 minutes is not sufficient for 2 years. This is my third LTR and the first one that I did not plan on ending. However it is her first LTR. If I contact her for my own closure at the expense of breaking NC what are the consequences?

Sorry for the book.

 

[sodbuster]

She didn't agree with you politically, wanted you to give up your guns, wasn't banging you and you care about closure??? You should have dropped her azz a long time ago. I know as a high paid professional, you want to relax when you get home, but she wouldn't allow it. MOST women want to play games all night. Find one who doesn't.....

The biggest reason I can think of for NOT contacting her.... she will try to reel you back in. You get a bit horny, remember the good times and the sex..... then she can get her claws back in you. After my Divorce, the ex offered to let me stay at her house when mine flooded. IF I would have done it, MAYBE she seduces me. we get back together, NOW she thinks she CAN pull all the sh1t that got us Divorced in the first place. I would have had the same mean woman, and the d@mn cat she picked up in the meantime {I'm allergic}. My life would take a drastic turn for the worse.....

DON"T pick at the scab, let it heal....

 

[hockeyfreak79]

She gave you closure you don't need it. She said it herself you two are too different.

As a couple the both of you also noticed how things were getting sh*tty. There's no going back now, like you experienced good for a month and then back to blah. Vicious cycle & usually plays out that way 99.9% of the time.

No contact man, time to heal up & get back to you! Hobbies, working out etc.

 

[parkthebus]

Sounds like all you did with her was watch TV in the end and nothing else. Women will follow you into this lifestyle but they won't stick around for long. You need to either pursue your own interests or find some with your woman that you can do together. Never spending good quality time together is a recipe for relationship staleness.

 

[Fireballs]

Have just got out of a 2 year relationship myself and for the same reasons - not having quality time with her/getting lazy and complacent in the relationship. I know how you are feeling about wanting the closure. You feel like you just need to get it off your chest. Here is my advice - do whatever you have to do for you to be able to start healing. I got closure the way you are wanting to and now I am at peace with the breakup and am getting on with my life.

 

[Desdinova]

At very least I feel 5 minutes is not sufficient for 2 years.

5 minutes is all it should take to end a relationship. When the ending drags out for days, weeks, or months, it's a waste of time, energy and emotions. I firmly believe that relationships should be ended in the quickest, most convenient way possible. The sooner it's officially over, the sooner both people can recover and move on.

All this "closure" bull5hit exists because someone is butthurt and has refused to move on. "Closure" drags out the ending of the relationship. When you remain in contact to get "closure", the relationship hasn't officially ended and you're just opening up yourself to hurt feelings and wasted time.

When the relationship horse dies, you need to stop beating it and find a new horse.

Remain out of contact with her, and work at thinking about your future without her. Think about the things you can do to fill the time that she previously took up. Take advantage of all the positives you have in your life now that she's gone.

 

[Tictac]

Sorry Doc. It may have been two years down the drain in five minutes. But the water had been swirling the drain for some time. So your 'deserves more than 5 minutes' is on you.

As long as you give up being you, she's fine with you. Is that really the way you want to go? Your differences on politics and guns didn't mean a thing for two years until it did.

It does sound like you got complacent. That's about the only thing you did 'wrong'. so if you start talking and seeing each other again, recognize that courtship never ends and it's your job to keep things interesting.

Des is right. 'Closure' is for American movies and TV. That's just your ego taking and you should ignore it.

As for her, if she wants you, she know how to find you. Unlike most of the guys here, you seem to have some sense of self, what you like, who you are and where you're going. If she wants to come along on your journey, she'll be in touch.

 

[GS750]

She wants to get between you and your guns??? Nah, my guns are all here to stay.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

Yep, I and some others here on SS agree that "closure" is a feminist made-up term that someone is still butthurt from the breakup and they use it as an excuse to try and reel the other person back in. What's ridiculous is how easily they managed to get men using this term. In the 80s, this term was NEVER heard of. I didn't even hear it myself until around late 90s. Stop using this term. You're a man, so start acting like one. Be cognizant of what you want out of life, especially what you want out of yourself. Then you can stop wasting time with women who don't match you and your lifestyle.

I mean hell, you're 31, I assume this chick was about the same age. You weren't having sex, yet you wanted to look into marriage? You think sex will just increase because you're married? But forget all that for a minute, she wanted to change you. She wanted to mold you into something she thought was appropriate and yet you even stated in your post you compromised some to try and accomodate her. Yet she was still unhappy, appeared to become even worse.

Do not listen to women when it comes to trying to map out the path to a successful LTR. You need to lay down ground rules about what is and what is not (especially what is not) acceptable if they want a relationship with you. You're a doctor for god sakes; you're going to have all sorts of women coming at you because they still recognize that doctors will have some type of high value, usually dollar signs $$$, you better dam well get this sh!t sorted out now before you make a huge mistake in wifing up some broad that will take half your stuff down the road all because you can't think critically and analyze who she is as a person. Hell even an amateur can recognize the type of women he's attacting. Notice a trend in the women who show interest in you? You bring a professional degree to the table of high earning potential - do they? Do they exhibit similar high value?
That's a good place to start.

Edit: Re-reading your post, you don't mention looking into marriage but you sort of hint at it. You two talked about having kids...ok, doesn't mean you're getting married, but most people get into LTRs to try and evaluate each other for marriage. So that's why I base some of my response on the marriage area.

 

[Kailex]

The only closure you need is to close the door as she's on her way out.

Seriously, I didn't finish your whole book of Genesis before thinking to myself, "Why was he with her in the first place?"

 

[CMNILS87]

Trying to talk and get closure only makes you even worse off. It ends up turning into the chick goading you and telling you what you did wrong and what could've saved the relationship. None of it is her fault obviously.... She will pry and convince you 100% that you broke up because of you and how you should change.

 

[Yewki]

2 years down the drain in 5 minutes.

Wrong mentality. Does the entire purpose of your life revolve around building up one single relationship with a soul mate or something? Did you learn this from a Disney movie?

The fact you can't appreciate everything you've been through the last two years because you're no longer with a girl from that period of time is sad. Wake up. Nothing lasts forever. Every moment is fleeting. Appreciate your experiences, don't cast them all away because a girl is gone.

Did you learn anything? Did you experience anything? Did you change? Did you grow?

Did you live?

Do you go see a movie, then after it ends complain "Wait it actually ended? So that was all for nothing?? 2 hours down the drain, it ended"

 

[amoka]

I have already gotten on dating apps despite the advice of some of my girlfriends who told me that will crush her if her friends see me and tell her. I know it will since she gets very passive aggressively jealous and it may force her to not talk to me over stubbornness. At the same time, I need to move on in case things don't work.

I strongly advise against using dating apps to find mates at this point in your career. There are more gold diggers there than you can count.

Just worried her finding out will end any chance of us working things out.

No she won't. Even if she does, it is not something YOU should worry about.

 

[phillies]

This can't be real

 

[ThomasF375]

This can't be real

Why would I make this up? I came here looking for advice. I think I am going to go NC. Hopefully the wound does not reopen if I run into her at the bar.

 

[ZTIME]

Why would I make this up? I came here looking for advice. I think I am going to go NC. Hopefully the wound does not reopen if I run into her at the bar.

Read the title and just read your last response. The full story is irrelevant. I'm sure it's the time invested now chick is gone story so often relived here.

If closure (an end or conclusion) was truly your quest, you have no need to look any further. You got your closure when she left. (It's over and concluded).

Perhaps if you changed your thread title to "break up resolution (the act of solving or explaining a problem or puzzle)" you would see the light. It kind of sounds like you feel things have been left unsaid, or that you didn't get to explain yourself well enough. Maybe you just want the opportunity to talk her back into your life (which is the norm). All of these are pretty normal feelings after a breakup.

"No Contact" really gives you time to separate yourself from the problem (the relationship) so that you can get a clearer view of what's best for you and how you can better yourself and your life for whatever the future holds.

Well Doc., ultimately the choice is yours. The posters here gave you sound advice. Enjoy the journey.

 

[phillies]

Why would I make this up? I came here looking for advice. I think I am going to go NC. Hopefully the wound does not reopen if I run into her at the bar.

If she really wants to break up because of your political ideals and you owning firearms she's insane and a cvnt. She has some nerve. You should immediately cut all ties with her and date other women.

All that sh1t about her having concerns about owning guns with kids in the house is all bvllsh1t. She's just trying to gain control. Think about it, you do well financially. It'd benefit her to have you whipped. It's like she wants to slowly chip away at your freedom. First the guns. Then you spending time with buddies. Then what next?

It just sounds unreal.

Also this seems like a sh1t test/ power grab. Don't fall for it, don't try to make up with her.She's probably hoping you break, go back to her so she can "take you back" on her terms.

 

[YawataNoKami]

Op your are very lucky .
Oooopppsss I am pregnant come to my mind.

 

[sodbuster]

I'm a Dentist, you are an MD. women are happy to date us, harness us to the plow and work us to death for THEIR dream life. I call BS on that. It's my f@cking life and my dream. I want to to to Texas to hunt pigs? STFU about it unless you have to loan me the money. I want to drive an old car and run it until the wheels fall off in order to save enough to be able to retire in 3 years? Again STFU, buy your own d@mn car if you don't like mine. Guns or me? your azz is gone.

A woman wouldn't be happy with Superman, she'd want to change him, hit him with some puzzy kryptonite and turn him into a loser she can rape in divorce court. DON'T let it happen to you. Be as hard and determined as you were in Med School with women.....

 

[ThomasF375]

So, it's been about 30 days with NC. I've been out dating other girls just trying to keep myself from being alone and thinking. I'm going to this event this weekend with this really hot skinny blonde chick that is really into me but really annoying. There is a very high chance we will be going to a bar that my ex will be at, since all my friends go there. Other than her getting jealous seeing me with a much hotter chick, what are the ramifications of doing this? Is this kind of thing advised against on here?

On a side note, I can say that when I first started hooking up with my ex, she all of a sudden decided to give me the cold shoulder, that is until she saw me making out with this hot chick at the bar and she texted me a week later out of the blue. I have found jealousy usually works to a guys favor but I wanted to know what you guys thought.