"Branch Swinging" - another woman in my life

[Chemistry]

She won't respect me. She will have the UPPER hand.

Mark my words on that.

The upper-hand in what exactly? Nobody's trying to gain respect from someone else here, it isn't that kind of situation...

How is there any upper-hand to be had by telling her? You're telling her that it is over between the two of you... you're going to be going out to have a wicked time and fvck other girls who will have you soon forgetting about your ex... I'm making my decision here free of any chick influence whatsoever, I'm making the decision to tell her because I have integrity... I'm not telling her because I want to get back with her because if I really wanted to be with her then I wouldn't have broke things off...

Seriously, you think all chicks are on some vendetta, lol... lets see, if I fvck another chick and this girl hears about it, then there's no chance she's going to respect me, not that I really care... but if I told a chick that things weren't working out and she didn't have respect for me after telling her that then it means she never had respect for me in the first place...

 

[Jariel]

Just to update on this situation, I didn't break up with her, but I had a bit of a talk with my girlfriend to prepare her. I just asked her "Don't you worry that we're so different and have nothing in common?" It took her by surprise and she seemed really hurt and just kept trying to bring up things we do have in common (not much), and explain how it shouldn't matter because we love each other and get on well.

I asked her if she thinks we can really have a future together since we want different things. I already told her I don't want kids or marriage (she does), and I said "I know that's something you want and is really important to you". My idea was to try and get her to accept the issues we have and understand why we should break up, and yet she had answers for everything and explained how sometimes you have to sacrifice some dreams to be happy and she can't imagine wanting kids or marriage with anyone else.

It wasn't easy and I thought she was going to cry at any minute. I was flattered of course because I know this girl has idolised me from day one, but I always knew it would be a tough one to get out of if I needed to.

At least now I've done the groundwork. I am trying to cut down on how much I see her too (let her get used to being without me) and I may try to break up in a week or two.

 

[Desdinova]

I asked her if she thinks we can really have a future together since we want different things. I already told her I don't want kids or marriage (she does)

If the both of you don't have identical ideas for your futures, then she's not an ideal woman to have a LTR with.

If the two of you should stay together, your goals and plans for your futures will eventually cause you to drift apart since neither of you are on the same path.

I think you have your answer.

 

[da_hunter]

When you tell women that you do no want kids of marriage, do they generally get turned off by this, or does it make them more interested in you - like make you seem like a challenge?

 

[mrRuckus]

How often does she rag you about your ex? I'd think that it would get a bit old especially since your ex doesn't have a chance.

Eh she just occasionally asks me if the ex has tried to talk to me lately. I just answer honestly and we laugh about it. The funny thing is that she has an ex who is doing the same thing to her (except he's a lot more desparate and sends LONG ass emails to her... i really should post the one giant one she got while she was at my house as an example of complete total, utter makes-you-ashamed-to-be-male AFC), but apparently i have the self confidence to not give a damn about any of her exes as i'm obviously the best guy she will ever be with . It's weird how tough guys crumble into the most pathetic of things sometimes when a girl dumps them.

Luckily my ex hasn't tried talking to me for a week so maybe she's just going away now and finally gets it.

 

[mrRuckus]

I KNOW that Jariel is going to regret dumping his girlfriend (if she is as he described).

However, I don't know all the details. I don't know the age. I don't know if there children involved. All I know is that he has an emotional attachment (care for her) and that once the LUST for the other one passess...he will regret it.


I know that based on the way he is writing.

But...once again...I don't know his age, her age, nor the other woman's age.

This isn't the first time he has brought up breaking up with her. He might regret it if he goes for this other girl then loses her but probably only for as long as it takes to find the next one after that. He seems to be stuck on this girl as his safety net because she worships him, and it's hard to give that up. But he's supposed to be a man and be fine being single.

He likes his girlfriend but he already knows they have no future.

I don't get why he's babying her. You're not hurting her if you straight out dump her. "let her get used to it." Just rip the bandaid off and get it over with. RIght now she's sitting around worrying her head off wondering if he's going to break up with her... and he already knows the answer. Stop "letting her down" easy and get it over with. We don't like when women play this sh1t on us...

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

If the both of you don't have identical ideas for your futures, then she's not an ideal woman to have a LTR with.

If the two of you should stay together, your goals and plans for your futures will eventually cause you to drift apart since neither of you are on the same path.

I think you have your answer.

Couldn't have said it any better.

Jariel, how are you benefiting from holding on? Is the sex that good or is Ashley correct in feeling that it's a security thing? Perhaps they are one in the same?

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

... The funny thing is that she has an ex who is doing the same thing to her ....

Ahhhh, that may be the reason why she asks you about your ex. It seems as if she hasn't had much of a chance to distance herself from her ex, but it sounds like you have the situation well under control.

 

[Jariel]

Well if I'm being completely honest with you and with myself, there is a large part of me that wants that safety net and have a few doubts about finding someone this good again.

I have no trouble attracting women, coping with them and so on, but I don't often find many single, good, women who want a LTR or are worthy of a LTR with me and it's a lot of work filtering out the trash. This is why I'm quite taken with this new lady - she's a classy lady, closer to my age and maturity and is a definite keeper...or she seems this way for now.

So yeah, I admit it has a lot to do with security issues. But I can honestly say that I can't stand the thought of hurting my GF. Even if it's for her good as well as my own, I know this is going to crush her and that scares me so much! Despite the issues we have and the incompatibility, I do love her as a person, I'm protective of her and hate the idea of her being hurt and upset by me or anyone!

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...Even if it's for her good as well as my own, I know this is going to crush her and that scares me so much!...

Explain... Tell us the worse that could happen, realistically.

 

[Nighthawk]

Power feels good eh Jariel?

If the situation was reversed and your gf was planning to dump you, how would you want her to deal with it?

 

[NewMan]

but I don't often find many single, good, women who want a LTR or are worthy of a LTR with me and it's a lot of work filtering out the trash. This is why I'm quite taken with this new lady - she's a classy lady, closer to my age and maturity and is a definite keeper...or she seems this way for now.

Why is the LTR an issue if you don't want kids or don't want to get married?

You know that every woman (large generalization there) wants kids and wants to get married..... so why are you so concerned with finding an LTR?

I find that most guys that say they don't want to get married just have not found the right woman........

in this case, she's not the one......

There are good women out there - but sometimes it's not the right place or time.... tough - it's the way it goes.

As for breaking up with her - there is NO EASY options.

The only way to do it is to sit down with her and tell her that things are not working out and end it there and then. The 'weaning' her off of you, never works.....

 

[Desdinova]

Your gf may be a great person, but there's no way she is going to achieve what she wants in her life while she's with you.

I know it's the human bonding that is the hardest to break. Unfortunately, it's a part of life that all of us experience at one point or another. On the plus side, you're not making this decision based on hate, anger, or infidelity. You're making it based on incompatibility. When the two of you cross paths in the future, there will be no reason for you to avoid her. You'll still be able to greet her and even carry on a friendly conversation with her.

But for the purpose of "healing" on both ends, I would suggest cutting contact for a period of one year before you decide to pursue any kind of friendship with her, if that ends up being your ultimate choice.

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

Tell her "you just need some space"! :crackup:

 

[Chemistry]

But I can honestly say that I can't stand the thought of hurting my GF. Even if it's for her good as well as my own, I know this is going to crush her and that scares me so much!

There's two things... first of all, you talk about hurting this chick and crushing her by breaking things off... do you know what will crush her a whole lot more? When she finds out a few years down the line that you've had this huge internal conflict going on and end up breaking up with her then... or lets say you do the ultimate thing and get married, and we're here 5 years down the line... and you finally run out maintaining the facade, the chick will be burnt... the logic of your argument of not wanting to hurt this chick is seriously flawed because the more you prolong this the more you'll be crushing her... ultimately there will come a point when you've had enough of running with the facade... you can choose whether you want to secure long term happiness and peace for yourself, or whether you want to protect this chick because of fear of how she will take the news, for the rest of your life...

As I always say... everybody here is different, and people don't change their fundamentals... they are who they are... they can improve themselves but to switch off certain wants and desires isn't human... some try to suppress their true desires for another person and all that does is create conflict down the line... the stage you've hit now in your relationship is that you've discovered that what you both want out of life differs... the choice is simple... one person can give up what they want and endure the unhappiness or you can make a clean break and both find someone who wants fundamentally the same things out of life as you do... what you've learned from this is the whole reason, besides fun, that we date others... a lot of dudes seem to think its:

see cute girl ----> date cute girl ----> marry cute girl​

No... besides for fun, we date chicks to find out if they are somebody who wants the same things as we do and if they'd be suitable for that role... it's like one long-ass job interview, lol... and guess what? A lot of the time you'll find out that the chick isn't suitable for that role, lol... it may take 1 month, it may take 4 months, or it may even take 14...

I can understand that it's in your nature not to hurt this chick and to be protective of her... but she's not your sister, and lets be honest, there's nothing malicious about what you're doing - you're just not compatible... I appreciate that we're all human, but if you are true in your current mindset and you care about this chick so much, then you will give her the opportunity to find someone who wants the same things as she does, so that she can be happy... you can frame it however you want to, but it's just an emotive smokescreen for the fact that YOU are scared of taking that jump to singledom... and I think deep down you know that too...

 

[Last Man Standing]

I can guarantee you that you will not be together in the future - so this discussion is all for nothing - you are going to separate anyway, either now or later - unless you plan to marry her!!

 

[WaterTiger]

The longer you stay with her, the harder it will be for her to recover. And she will recover!

Tell her you will never marry her, do not want kids and do not want her to waste her time waiting for something that won't happen. She doesn't want to be one of those stupid chicks that date a guy for 20 years waiting for a proposal. THAT would be cruel. Eventually she will resent the fact you won't marry her or have kids.

She might even deliberatly get pregnant in an effort to trap you. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT have sex with this woman again! Not a quickie before work, not a "good-bye" boink, not a "thanks-for-the-memories" hump.

If the place is yours, give her 30 days to get out. If the place is hers, then take a day off of work, pack up everything that is yours and move it OUT.

You need to break up with her soon. Please keep us posted!