BPD story-where to start????

[nooneyouknow]

Hi guys, maybe this should be moved to another group or something, but I don't know where, so I'm starting a new thread.

I am just coming off a 27 month affair with a self diagnosed BPD who often denies she has BPD. It was suggested by her adult daughter's therapist that the mother (my ex GF) might have BPD because she pushes away loved ones.

She took the online test for BPD and scored a solid 6 out of 9. Five is an affirmative diagnosis.

Anyway, I have been married through out the whole affair, while she was married in the beginning but quickly left her ex for a few reasons, but mostly because of how she felt about me.

Now she has left me, changed her number, told me numerous times in emails that we are done. The reasons being that I went on a 25th anniversary vacation with my wife. I really did not want to go, but I was planning on leaving her for the ex and it seemed like the right thing to do as a goodbye gift for the wife, who BTW is a great person.

After the 25th anniversary trip, there was a family cruise, parents, kids, siblings, and I felt I had to go on that for family reasons.

I also cheated on my BPD (and my wife for that matter) with two women from high school that I met on the same social networking site I met the BPD on.

As I read all this, I see I am a ****. But guys are guys and I wanted to drop my load wherever.

My problem is that now I really, really miss my twisted twin BPD chick, and she won't come back. Won't even talk to me on the phone. Something about hearing my voice draws her back into the relationship. She can stay away as long as we don't talk.

I do love her, and I want her back. I doubt I'll ever meet another woman who treats me as she did, and I honestly do like her as a person, although she has done some psychotic things and has been threatening at times.

I found this forum while researching BPD. I see there are people on here who have been in similar relationships and are knowledgable.

Any thoughts or advice?

 

[goldengoose]

Dude, you should be lucky you got off the hook as easy as you did. Why the hell do you want to go back for more? You pick the wrong women to have affairs with lol. Stick with your wife before she takes you to the cleaners.

 

[nooneyouknow]

You must be single, or a newlywed, LOL

 

[nooneyouknow]

And just for the record, I would gladly give my wife half of everything acquired during the marriage. I have told her twice I was unhappy and wanted out. Each time she cried and said she didn't want to lose me-so I stayed. And in staying I lost the BPD.
I guess this is for another thread, but how can I just walk away from a good woman? I want to be single again, but I don't want to hurt my wife, and I have to admit being single after 25 years of marriage is a bit scary.

 

[goldengoose]

You must be a generous guy lol... are you making this stuff up? you already hurt the wife by cheating lol...if she is so great why are you cheating?

 

[nooneyouknow]

You must be a generous guy lol... are you making this stuff up? you already hurt the wife by cheating lol...if she is so great why are you cheating?

It's basically a sexless marriage, which I just learned is defined as having sex 10 or fewer times per year.

And when you give up the sex, you lose so much more.

Besides that, 32 years with the same woman, 25 married to her. Nah, it ain't really doin' it for me.

Here's a sad but interesting post I came across:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/office-diaries/201203/sexless-marriage-is-surprisingly-common
What's really shocking, at least to me, is that this figure is AFTER accounting for the high divorce rate.
In broader terms, it is estimated that anywhere between fifteen and twenty percent of marriages are sexless. That's after over fifty percent of them fail and end in divorce, which doesn't count the amount of people who stay in their marriages miserable and imprisoned, lonely and longing for real love, and the opportunity to express that love through sexual intimacy.
A sexless marriage is defined as 10 or less times a year, which is a little less than once a month. I hate to use Dr Phil as a source, but I will since his figures are consistent with what I've been finding elsewhere:
http://drphil.com/articles/article/372
20 to 30 percent of men and 30 to 50 percent of women say they have little or no sex drive. — USA Today
I started to wonder where this divergence comes from, but then I remembered a recent article about how so many women are on SSRIs these days, which can lead to PSSD. Factor in how much the feminization of men and lack of male role models plays into this by making pussified beta men who don't make women attracted and I can see where this is coming from pretty clearly.

 

[nooneyouknow]

You must be a generous guy lol... are you making this stuff up? you already hurt the wife by cheating lol...if she is so great why are you cheating?

It's not that I am overly generous, but what she is entitled to is what she is entitled to. She makes a good living, and could take less than half my pension and still be fine. But if she insisted on half, I wouldn't fight her. It would be wrong and pointless to fight what she entitled to anyway. I earned the whole pension while married, so half is legally hers, as well as half of all reitrement accounts.

 

[floydb25]

BPD is pretty extreme... Think, uncontrollable emotions, destructive / chaotic relationships, and reckless behavior. Don't assume or self-diagnose. Anyone can fit the criteria if taken at face value. The difference is extreme behaviors. So much unbareable, consistent emotional pain that you end up hurting yourself, for example. Or driving like a maniac, over-spending constantly, engaging in risky sex and dangerous, life-threatening behavior. Their life is pretty much hell, as they feel on the inside.

Being a slut, drama queen, attention *****, or complete dumbass does not a BPD make. I think a lot of people also confuse over-sensitivity, fear of rejection, low self-esteem, emotional turmoil / baggage, stress, and depression / anxiety for something more serious. Then add in the fact that most women are "crazy", have fleeting emotions, are indecisive, want what they can't have, are spoiled and entitled, ***** about everything and cause drama, and everyone thinks they have BPD.

Most people have issues.

 

[TonyBaloney]

I would eat my hat if your ex is a BPD. You sound a bit upset that your ex has left, only a bit because you still have the blankey of your wife to protect you.

I havent heard any of the common signs fom you to confirm that your ex is BPD. Think she may just be angry that you have a wife....

Regarding your wife..... I would think very very very very seriously about what you do. Many men have left that security that you have on a whim, only to realize that what they had was far better than big tits, fresh skin and a tight pvssy, to try to go back to the wife who herself relishes the indepence when her esteem returns and herself to not want the husband anymore.

For gods sake man, cant you do what most men do and fook hoes, have the occasional one nighter, and plan independent weekends away where you enjoy ho's, champagne and reefer?

Think carefully about what you do here.....women today are not cast like the old school....you will find it hard to replace the submissive that is your wife.

Good luck!

 

[PeakIV]

I agree with tony, try all 9 criteria and then some, every woman has issues, even a few of the criteria stuff that makes the BPD diagnosis.

Unless you have a woman who has serious fears of abandonment, raging for hours on end screaming, crying, smashing up the car, house , lying, cheating, exessive spending, driving like she stole it, not paying bills ever. making up stories of past abuse and rape, no friends, extreme jealousy, tries to alienate you from your friends and family as they are a threat to her and might take you away,

can't look after herself in any way shape or form ( this is a 30+ woman) cant hold down a job for more than 6 months and moves 3-4 times a year, can't have a rational conversation, circular arguments that are never resolved and denies that there is anything wrong with her or she has done anything wrong,has talked of suicide and has cut herself in the past, moves onto the next relationship within days

Then and only then assume she might have BPD.

 

[ScottMustaine]

I also cheated on my BPD...

Don't worry, she probably ****ed more guys than you did girls behind your back.

 

[asa_don]

I am debating whether to take this post seriously or not. It seems so unbelievable you could do what you have done, and be interested in a BPD as well?

I agree with Mauser. The whole post sounds rather fake to me. He talks up the wife and cheats on her and the bpd. If you cheated on the bpd the bpd wouldn't leave you. The bpd would stay with you more because the bpd would be afraid of losing you.

 

[floydb25]

I agree with tony, try all 9 criteria and then some, every woman has issues, even a few of the criteria stuff that makes the BPD diagnosis.

Unless you have a woman who has serious fears of abandonment, raging for hours on end screaming, crying, smashing up the car, house , lying, cheating, exessive spending, driving like she stole it, not paying bills ever. making up stories of past abuse and rape, no friends, extreme jealousy, tries to alienate you from your friends and family as they are a threat to her and might take you away,

can't look after herself in any way shape or form ( this is a 30+ woman) cant hold down a job for more than 6 months and moves 3-4 times a year, can't have a rational conversation, circular arguments that are never resolved and denies that there is anything wrong with her or she has done anything wrong,has talked of suicide and has cut herself in the past, moves onto the next relationship within days

Then and only then assume she might have BPD.

Damn, son... Sounds like you have a lot of experience with this. And here I thought MY standards were ****. :crackup:

:moon:

 

[HeadLightsOn]

I think this is a sh#t test post by a female. Anyway - any guy worth his salt would hang with the wife (at the stage you are at) and bang on the side.

I wouldn't make the mistake of thinking that having hot sex, great d eeee p convos and fun times with the possible BPDer, equates to the same good times when shacked up w the beatch.

Do her hard, all ways if you want, but don't lock in with her.

 

[PeakIV]

Got lost in the FOG for a while, you have no idea.

She was great for the first year, and I did have standards, then you slip as the feelings grow and the standards slip and then unless you can walk away (you can't because by this time you are addicted) you are fuc*ed.

 

[SBW]

My problem is that now I really, really miss my twisted twin BPD chick, and she won't come back. Won't even talk to me on the phone. Something about hearing my voice draws her back into the relationship. She can stay away as long as we don't talk.

If she is a genuine BPD, she will be back. Its a certainty - just wait.

Mine is still making the odd attempt to get back in my life a good couple of years after I closed the door forever. Last was only a few weeks ago but at least the frequency is eventually decreasing.

 

[QuadDeuces]

Willing to risk a happy marriage for a demonic BPD trainwreck.
Why dont you start smoking Crack while youre at it?

 

[QuadDeuces]

But ontopic.
I've had 2 BPD girlfriends in my life, I prefer the term "Psychopath" over Borderline though, these women have no empathy, leech on your life energy, and walk away when you are of no longer use for them. Dont expect them to come visit you in the cancer ward when youre dying, instead they'll use your creditcard to book in hotels to fvck random strangers on cocaine, and say its your fault anyway.
These women are pure evil. Youre lucky to be ignored, worst case they call the police on you.
Most men have been brought up in a happy family and have been told that everybody "has some good in them". Its a pretty bitter pill when youve encountered a psychopath in your life to know thats not true.

Good luck.

 

[nooneyouknow]

BPD Diagnosis

BPD is pretty extreme... Think, uncontrollable emotions, destructive / chaotic relationships, and reckless behavior. Don't assume or self-diagnose. Anyone can fit the criteria if taken at face value. The difference is extreme behaviors. So much unbareable, consistent emotional pain that you end up hurting yourself, for example. Or driving like a maniac, over-spending constantly, engaging in risky sex and dangerous, life-threatening behavior. Their life is pretty much hell, as they feel on the inside.

Being a slut, drama queen, attention *****, or complete dumbass does not a BPD make. I think a lot of people also confuse over-sensitivity, fear of rejection, low self-esteem, emotional turmoil / baggage, stress, and depression / anxiety for something more serious. Then add in the fact that most women are "crazy", have fleeting emotions, are indecisive, want what they can't have, are spoiled and entitled, ***** about everything and cause drama, and everyone thinks they have BPD.

As I said, it was suggested by a psychologist that she might have it. She took the test, and I took it more than once as her. She fits the criteria. It may no affect all aspects of her life, but it affects her relationship with men. Put it this way, she left a husband of 22 years, together 26, for no real reason other than boredom. She left the first husband in the middle of the night so to speak, in Mexico (he was Mexican) and took the kids.
She has also run up credit card debt that she refuses to repay, and she did some cutting when she was young. She takes an anti depressant, and sometimes a Xanax to get through the day. When she drinks, she is uncontrollably jealous, nasty and threatening. She has a history of being abused as a child, and a father that abandoned the family. She also has had some meltdowns in a public forum-a lot of drama. She often says that she feels dead inside, like an empty shell.

I am not saying she is a raving psychotic that can't hold down a job. She is high functioning. But, she took the test, failed, and exhibits BPD like behavior.

There is also a disorder called HPD, histrionic personality disorder. She may have that, or maybe have that as well. But that is much more like some normal drama queen.

 

[nooneyouknow]

I am debating whether to take this post seriously or not. It seems so unbelievable you could do what you have done, and be interested in a BPD as well?

Spend 20 hours reading on BPD
www.gettinbetter.com

and read on here about it.

The only other thoughts I have, is that I think you are in for a world of pain if you pursue this woman.

I have spent more than 20 hours reading up on BPD. Probably closer to 100 hours, including forums and a book she got for me on loving a person with BPD. That was before she denied she had it, LOL