BPD Question? Kontroller help man??

[The Gamer]

Heres the situation.

Good friend of mine (no I dont mean me) has been dating steadily for last 6 years. Out of those 6 years 5 1/2 of them have been with severely BPD girls (confirmed this). They we're all noticeably weird, clingly, angry, strange just all around not people I or most others wanted to be around. Cause of this I stopped hangin out with him much. For 3 of those years I only saw him once every few weeks. NEwayz I think it's damn near impossible for him to of been around these kinda women this much without suffering reprocussions of his own.

Just curious what your guys take on this situation is and what you think my role should be in advising the guy or what recommendations you would give ME in this in any way. If you have any questions shoot.

 

[KontrollerX]

How does your friend come across to you?

I mean does he seem emotionally normal to you?

Is he depressive at all or overly self depricating, suffer from low self esteem any of that?

Or is he like one of those crazy drug addict partier types of guys?

Or would you even consider him to be an AFC looking for his one true love?

I need more information on the guy's character basically before I can give you an answer.

 

[KarmaSutra]

Brother Kontroller asks some very pertinant questions.

I wonder what your stake on this friends' psyche is in conjunction with your own? If he's been in one dysfunctional relationship upon another, does it take number six for you to jump in and want to help?

Does he complain to you about his lack of quality women? Does he complain to you about himself being a quality person?

He needs to be complete within himself before he can be part of a couple.

 

[The Gamer]

sry slow reponse had to run to the market.

Well, hes definately a drug addict (although hes recently turned to alcohol). Hes been NOT sober for the better part of 8 years. Overall very self destructive.

I think he IS one of those guys tryin to find his 'one true love', even mentioned marriage with the last girl.

He's not really all that emotionally stable really (obvious cause of drugs), and he comes across pretty normal (although I'm inherently biased cause I've known him for so damn long).

He's NEVER been really picky on friends or anything social IMO. If people wanted to be friends with him he would chill with them even if there complete losers (god what does this say about me?).

Nething else u want to know?

Karma- He doesn't really ask me for advice mainly cause my LACK of women. If I try to give advice he dismisses me as not knowing what im talkin about.

 

[KarmaSutra]

He's a drug addict and a drunk and you give a sh!t about what he thinks about you?

This buddy needs a kick in the c0ck more than a handshake or a back rub.

Because you have limited experience in women it doesn't make this douchebag a "ladies man" because he's been with more skanks.

You have a good head on your shoulders. You want to try to help him but sometimes the best lessons in life come from us hitting rock bottom.

You need to let him fall and crack his head open like a ripe watermelon.

When he reaches out to you then he'll be open for direction and guidance. Until then he's just jacking off.

 

[KontrollerX]

There's only two types of men on this planet that can successfully handle the Borderline Personality Disorder experience without being negatively effected by it.

Those men would be guys like Trent Reznor and guys like the Dexter Morgan character.

The first type is a normal man with mental problems that cause him to be masochistic and self loathing so no matter what a BPD does to such a man it cannot hurt him anymore than his own mental illness is already hurting him hence the song by Reznor titled "Hurt" which was covered by Johnny Cash and yes I know it was about Trent's heroin addiction but that all goes back to his masochism which is at least one of his mental illnesses in my opinion.

The second type of man is literally a different kind of human and most of them don't kill people like the Dexter character does which is suprising but yes they can handle a BPD quite well because BPD's can only hurt people with emotions and Anti Social Personality Disordered people also known as sociopaths have no emotions. If you watch the show Dexter you can watch Dexter interact with the BPD character in the second season named Lila. Not surprisingly he wins the battle of the minds with her as of the Cluster B his type is the best of them as far as being a dangerous manipulative predator goes.

So yeah my verdict is your friend is a Trent Reznor type.

There's nothing you can do for him.

Well you could sit back and watch the drama show of his life if you find it to be entertaining but yeah don't try and help him out.

He enjoys pain, suffering and self loathing so leave him to it.

 

[The Gamer]

Thought so...

Are you recommending I stop hanging around him? Or what?

 

[KontrollerX]

Oh no you can hang out with him as much as you want if you enjoy his company and friendship but yeah I'm just saying don't try and help him with his women woes as he loves and craves suffering.

I personally wouldn't hang out with the guy myself because I can't stand alcoholics and druggies and I don't want to be around any depressive people that would bring me down but hey dude we all have our own likes and dislikes so again hang out with him if thats what you personally like being around.

 

[Jaggs]

Funny you bring up Lila, I was just having a discussion yesterday with a group of people about Dexter and I mentioned that Lila is classic case of BPD. None of the people knew what BPD Actually was so they did not pick this up.

It is great how the show has two characters with the Cluster B personality disorders. The way Dexter handled Lila (Completely logical) is quite good to watch, and a lot can actually be learnt through it (And Dexter as a whole - A Sociopath).

Anyway bit off topic, but I love Dex .

 

[KontrollerX]

Believe it or not the writers have humanized Dexter quite a bit to make him palatable to a general audience to the point he almost probably couldn't be considered a true representation of one of these people.

I'd say other characters in the show have been better representations of a true ASPD especially his brother Brian who Dex killed in season 1.

Damn that was a great character.

Such a dissapointment the writer's offed him as Brian could've been brought back periodically to spice things up to prevent the show from ever getting stale.

Also the nurse character, Jeremy Downs, the hit and run driver were all good ASPD characters.

Jeremy was a great example of one that has yet to learn how to properly hide out and exist in society.

A real life comparison to that character would be Casey Anthony since they both got caught for their crimes.

 

[The Gamer]

down but hey dude we all have our own likes and dislikes so again hang out with him if thats what you personally like being around.

Right on man. I feel you. I almost feel like I'm leavin a solider behind in the trenches takin nades to just abandon like that though man. However, I KNOW that I can't keep putting myself around unlucky or unhappy people. My goals are far to lofty to do that. Hmm...what to do...

 

[brian123]

He is a drug addict and a drunk. He needs serious help. Maybe he likes people who are as f'ed up as him.

 

[AAAgent]

Kontroller X, How did you deal with getting over your BPD. Was it quick/long/ does it still linger a little bit and how bad did she hurt you if she did?

we mutally broke it off, myself and the bpd ex but we both still loved each other.
4 days later she had a new bf and a week after that she slept with him.

We broke it off nov.11 but kept seeing each other till about the 20th until i found out she slept with someone else. she kept trying to string me along for about 2-3 weeks and after some no contact and coldness i gave in. she said she broke up wit the guy and came to see me, then once i gave in she just left.
Its coming along 2 months now and im just working on getting my life back to normal which it is now and just mainly enjoying the moment and having fun.

Although i have no problem keeping no contact i still feel a decent amount of pain to get me thinking sometimes about the past. She was my firsy LTR that lasted a year, all the other ones i lost interest or other way around.


Im a type of person that likes to weigh out all the pro's and cons and learn from my faults and truthfully during the break-up and all through the relationship experience i thought she had bpd when the brreak-up came. but now i sometimes find myself doubting the idea and that she just might be a selfish ***** that is very weak. or it could just be the bpd manipulation making me think im wrong.

any information would be appreciated.

-AAA

 

[KontrollerX]

"Kontroller X, How did you deal with getting over your BPD. Was it quick/long/ does it still linger a little bit and how bad did she hurt you if she did?"

How I dealt with it was a combination of time and action and talking it through with a therapist and learning as much about it as I could. The endless talking we all do about the condition on forums like this is all part of the healing process and everyone's duration for that is different. Also our brain chemistry changes a bit after a horrific trauma so something like this isn't the easiest thing to recover from. PTSD is very treatable but the negatives of it can still linger. There were two HPD/BPD's in my life. The first one I didn't know what I was dealing with, the second I was an idiot and sought the new one out in some sick attempt to change the outcome of the last relationship symbolically. It was an attempt on my part to regain control I think. I still had not learned my lesson that you can't save anyone that doesn't want to be saved and also I learned that if you are going to save someone you damn well better make sure its not you who is in need of saving as the whole savior personality was just my own destructive attempt to avoid solving my own problems but I didn't realize it at the time.

"Although i have no problem keeping no contact i still feel a decent amount of pain to get me thinking sometimes about the past. She was my firsy LTR that lasted a year, all the other ones i lost interest or other way around."

If you felt a more powerful connection with someone than you've ever felt in your life chances are you were dealing with one of them. Do a forum search on mirroring and you'll soon understand how she was able to produce those feelings in you. The short explanation of it is she basically became you or rather showed you your ideal vision of yourself as well reflected your best qualities to you and built you up like a god and then before you know it suddenly you are no longer her priority or she's gone and you can't figure out why or what you did wrong.

"Im a type of person that likes to weigh out all the pro's and cons and learn from my faults and truthfully during the break-up and all through the relationship experience i thought she had bpd when the brreak-up came. but now i sometimes find myself doubting the idea and that she just might be a selfish ***** that is very weak. or it could just be the bpd manipulation making me think im wrong. any information would be appreciated."

I like what persistant exaction once told me...

"If a guy finds himself on a board like this over a girl he just cannot figure out to the point of obsession then he's probably dealing with an HPD or BPD".

And yes I had the exact same second guessing you did thinking the girl may of just been selfish or weak but no it was much more than that. The personality was so overwhelming unlike anything I had ever experienced I combined the two words personality and disorder in my mind or rather the words just popped up in my mind and so I did a search thinking I wouldn't find anything but boy was I wrong. I found HPD which is a close cousin of BPD and one of the Cluster B Personality Disorders. Unlike what a lot of morons who've never been through the experience like to say we victims of these people don't just make up or try and assign this condition to chicks we had a bad experience with to protect our ego.

Dude it literally tore me apart to accept that who I was involved with was a near sociopathic empty mask and never real at all. I didn't want it to be true. I wanted her to of been real even if it was over but she wasn't. She was and is an empty mask like all of them are.

It was like experiencing the death of a loved one to accept that this was what she likely had and no of course none of us are licensed therapists and cannot make an official diagnosis but I mean come on some things are obvious especially when you do enough research and pay enough attention to detail about things as I do...as many of us have done.

 

[Vypros]

Right on man. I feel you. I almost feel like I'm leavin a solider behind in the trenches takin nades to just abandon like that though man. However, I KNOW that I can't keep putting myself around unlucky or unhappy people. My goals are far to lofty to do that. Hmm...what to do...

You stop being selfish and be the friend that you want to be with him. You don't just abandon people because they are "unlucky" or "unhappy." The idea that they bring you down is a myth. They only bring you down if you are not strong enough to be around that and not be swayed in YOUR goals or if you go TOO far to try and help them.

The fact of the matter is, you CAN'T help him. He has to help himself. In fact, it's like that with everyone in situations who have **** in their lives. Nobody else can help them, they have to want to help themselves. Until that deserve is there, there is nothing you or anybody can do. Once that desire IS there though (and given enough time and pain and hurt it will eventually get there), there are a myriad of things you can do to help. But until he wakes up and realizes that he needs help, any help you offer him will be in vain. It's a sad truth in life that we have to sit and watch the people we care about destroy themselves while we sit idly by, but sometimes you have to. It's what is meant by "tough love." Tough love isn't coming at someone with harsh, blunt words to shake them up. Tough love is realizing that the person you care about needs to suffer a certain amount of pain before they are willing to help themselves. A wise and caring friend will recognize that and sit patiently on the sidelines and wait for that day.

But until that day, you don't have to cut him out of your life. Yeah, it may be a good idea to limit contact with him, but don't just walk away from a friend because you are afraid they are going to bring you down. Be strong enough--and man enough--to remain who you are, even in the midst of negativity.

 

[AAAgent]

thanks, its helps to know that people have made it through this.

out of the 9 symptoms she has for certain 7out of 9 and the other two i'm being generous and giving the benefit of the doubt.

She was abusive physically and emotionally, had binge spending habits, loved and hated me, spread rumors that i abused her all over campus, all at the same time catering to all my needs and fighting with her family telling them i was good but at the same time saying bad stuff about me.


I had a alot of longs talks with her because i could tell she didn't have a personality. she always made people like her or feel bad for her and that was enough. she didn't know what she liked or who she was and alot of the relationship was me trying to be captain save a ho and help her find herself and stick up for herself.

I just thought she didn't know who she was and having a hard time figuring herself out because of all the separation and trauma she had as a child.

In the end i started saying crazy things, they weren't crazy to me at the time but my family even though they loved her told me they would not let me see her anymore and that she was mentally unstable. My friends either were so mad at me, they told me to go marry the ***** since i wouldn't leave her or they would tell me they'd leave me and would no longer respect me if i did.
I said some stuff like i'd drop everything to help her go through therapy and do it for the rest of my life.

And even though i know this will pass, how do you get over your first real love...when it was fake..

Do you suggest going to therapy still kontroller x? I'm doing alot better now, talking and hanging out alot more than i have ever been, meeting new people and spending alot more time with my family.


In the end i've learned alot from this relationship, that i would probably not trade the experience. like in one of the post about this topic here stated. "In one year i learned what it takes 10 years for others to learn." It's helped me understand that we must take care of ourselves before we can even help others and the others that we help must want to help themselves.

 

[KontrollerX]

"out of the 9 symptoms she has for certain 7out of 9 and the other two i'm being generous and giving the benefit of the doubt."

See? Its obvious this is what she probably has.

"loved and hated me"

http://www.amazon.com/Hate-You-Dont-Leave-Understanding/dp/0380713055

"I hate you don't leave me" is the title of a book all about BPD.

"I had a alot of longs talks with her because i could tell she didn't have a personality. she always made people like her or feel bad for her and that was enough. she didn't know what she liked or who she was and alot of the relationship was me trying to be captain save a ho and help her find herself and stick up for herself."

Typical. My second go round was this completely.

"I just thought she didn't know who she was and having a hard time figuring herself out because of all the separation and trauma she had as a child."

The literature says their true self and personality has been so broken down they can't even get access to it with therapy. All they have to work with is the false self. Its very sad.

"In the end i started saying crazy things, they weren't crazy to me at the time but my family even though they loved her told me they would not let me see her anymore and that she was mentally unstable. My friends either were so mad at me, they told me to go marry the ***** since i wouldn't leave her or they would tell me they'd leave me and would no longer respect me if i did.
I said some stuff like i'd drop everything to help her go through therapy and do it for the rest of my life."

Your friends and family showed an appropriate reaction to the BPD relationship as viewed from outside by observers. Some victims aren't so lucky as their friends and family only get to see the good side of the chameleon or rather the good act. Jekyll and Hyde.

"And even though i know this will pass, how do you get over your first real love...when it was fake.."

Start to understand that it wasn't real love for the girl. She was merely a mirror through which you loved yourself. As for coping with the pain of the experience acknowledge that it is there but you won't let it rule over or consume you and that you will fight it through time and action. The action of hanging out with friends and even getting therapy if you feel you need it and the action of just staying healthy and doing your best to move forward in life one day at a time.

"Do you suggest going to therapy still kontroller x? I'm doing alot better now, talking and hanging out alot more than i have ever been, meeting new people and spending alot more time with my family."

If you feel you are recovering well now and feeling better you can hold off for a while but if you eventually start to experience severe panic attacks and intense rage and feeling disconnected with the world thats anxiety and PTSD creeping up and you should go get treated for it.

For the time being though I recommend you buy this book all about recovering from various traumas. It has my highest recommendation...

http://www.amazon.com/Cant-Get-over-Handbook-Survivors/dp/157224058X

"In the end i've learned alot from this relationship, that i would probably not trade the experience. like in one of the post about this topic here stated. "In one year i learned what it takes 10 years for others to learn." It's helped me understand that we must take care of ourselves before we can even help others and the others that we help must want to help themselves."

Right on man.

 

[AAAgent]

Ya the most messed up part was her step father is a psychiatrist and when i found about BPD and researched and read about this forum and as many articles i could find i decided to contact him.

He waited for the right time to approach her, and i told him to keep it confidential only to let her know. He ended up telling the whole family and they started blowing up everyone number that was related to me.

They wanted a formal apology and told me to stop labeling her as BPD or promiscuous. They said all her actions were due to the physical abuse that i gave her.....

I thought about it for a little, the bytch gave me a bloody nose, knocked me unconscious, and slapped me in the face regularly.


I just didn't think they could be that manipulative, since i am a very good liar and manipulative myself but only for short term. these bpd's they build the foundations, support the foundations and in the end you get caught in a lie that was started like years before.

Her stepfather the psychiatrist violated the hippa rules and broke confidentiality, and even thought that everything my ex did was due to me. I spoke to him a few time and wrote him a letter and he was concerned about her until she talked to him.

Sometimes i think it is even the best dj's if they are unaware of BPD will succumb and become a victim.

Kontroller X, thanks for all the titles, i have already ready one of those books, walking on eggshells, and some other articles. I'm am sometimes afraid that reading more and more about this topic will just draw me back into a past i am not ready to re-live yet. i know enough about it to see what i should see in order to protect myself.

Maybe once i find REAL LOVE and realize that such a thing exists and isn't something as fake as i was experiencing i will be able to read more about the topic. But just talking about the experience and letting it off my chest to people that UNDERSTAND like you said and don't try to make you out to be some crazy guy that can't get over a bad relationship. Even with alot of discussion and research only 1 out of 5 of my close friends really believes it was BPD. 3 of them think that it was bad relationship handling on both of our parts and one thinks i was just too needy.

In the end i stand by my decision that i was sane yet inexperienced and did have my faults but none that deserved or would have brought the outcomes that had come.