BPD or just crazy?

[DrStranglove]

I'm reflecting back on my 17 month relationship that ended a week ago, and while I think BPD gets thrown around too much, this is a good candidate:

The first 6-8 months were bliss; she moved fast right out of the gate but treated me amazing. Smothered me with positive attention, gifts, compliments. I had no intentions of letting it get serious, but she was easy to love. I dominated the frame at this point.

Then the "real her" started to surface. She was a high conflict loose cannon with a temper, and as the months rolled on, the ice got thinner. She could be happy one minute, screaming the next. I observed about three patterns of mood swings: happy, sad and ANGRY which also became more exacerbated with time. She suffered from depression and was not consistent with taking her meds. Her ten year old son was also emotionally unstable with a host of mood disorders, ODD and conduct disorder.

Games, manipulation, jealousy:

- During fights, she'd scream at me to leave, only to call as I'm driving home and plead for me to return. If I didn't return, she'd threaten to come to my house to get me back. She'd get mad on the phone, hang up, call right back. Guilt trips. Really had the maturity of a sixteen year old.

- Demanded I remove female facebook friends she saw as a threat. Went so far as to message a female friend. Accused me of cheating. Demanded my facebook/email password or said she'd end the relationship (I called her bluff on that). Pulled the "if you loved me you'd do XYZ" ultimatums. Everything was my fault.

- Several times threatened to go to the Police / File Lawsuits for things I had not done (stole from her, broke her phone, etc). It was all talk to scare me and manipulate me. When I called her bluff, she'd change her tune and resort to other tactics.

Respect:

- When she was angry it wasn't uncommon for her to belittle me for my job, put me down, name call, make me feel bad, yell and scream. If I responded with anything slightly malicious she'd instantly go into victim mode telling me how poorly I treated her. Just overall verbally abusive and could get physical under the right circumstances.

- She would twist the smallest things I did and go to her family/friends with these horror stories of how poorly I treated her; so much that I received threats from several of them (they're all loose cannons too, drug users, mood disorders). She LOVED playing the victim and looking for sympathy.

- Caught her out with another guy behind my back last summer during a rough patch. She claimed nothing physical happened, came clean, apologized profusely and I took her back after several days NC and her begging. She was just overly friendly with the opposite sex; anyone that gave her attention she treated like a new best friend.

The crazy and chaotic:

- I was scared to bring her out with my friends after several blowups. She literally was screaming at my friend one night because he sent me a picture of his new girlfriend and told me about a few of their dates. "You may as well be dating her" she'd say. Another time on a double date she made a scene, stormed out mad, only to come back and act like nothing happened. She wouldn't think twice about making a scene over petty things and embarrassing me.

- Words can't describe how she would literally get so mad you couldn't rationalize with her and lost all control of herself, leading to things like this happening:

- One night she dreamed up some reason that I owed her $15, and said if I didn't repay it by 9pm she was going to "go ghetto" and send people to my parents house to collect it (I moved back home for grad school).

- Another instance, she wanted my Christmas present back, and I had until 9pm to drop it off or she was going to be over with her crackhead dad (who threatened to break my jaw) to collect it.

- Threw a rubber dog toy at my car during one of her meltdowns, when she couldn't find it, she called saying I must have gotten out of my car, stole it, and if I didn't return right away she was calling the Police.

- One night I was giving her a ride home from the bar, she was drunk, emotional, and just put me through hell. Jumped out of the car at a stoplight and ran down to this pond making it look like she was going to drown herself. Then was threatening to jump out of the car on the highway, and more. Just 100% emotionally out of control all night like I've never seen.

- These are just a few examples (!) I told myself soo many times "you need to get out of this". It was just easier said than done and I don't know why. People who hadn't even met her warned me I was in an abusive relationship.

I could go on... but you get the picture. The problem is, things weren't ALWAYS bad, and I really enjoyed her company even to the end when things were "normal". The relationship ended because I was at-least smart enough not to introduce her to my family and she was fed up I wouldn't give her the commitment she wanted. Our final words to each other were pretty hate filled and not good. We haven't spoke since.

I realize how toxic this was and I shouldn't even look back; but yeah I miss her, the good times, the companionship. The worst part is.. I'd probably go back against my better judgement. Hopefully with some strength and encouragement from you guys I can put her safely behind me

 

[Bible_Belt]

Psych disorders can come in combinations. Most of what you described sounds like bipolar disorder. That doesn't mean she doesn't have BPD, too, though.

 

[origin138]

Regardless of her diagnosis, it's best for you to just walk and not look back.

She'll kick and scream and try to make you feel like she'll die without you. But rest assured, she'll have a replacement soon and will be just fine.

Do what's best for YOU. This broad is sucking years off your life with her inability to handle herself. Do her a favor, toss her to the big mean world to learn some coping skills.

 

[switch]

dude when you write so much sh!t about your woman,you know something is wrong....VERY wrong

 

[expos]

What meds was she on? She sounds more bi-polar than BPD.

Whatever the case may be, that is a lot of bullsh_t that you had to put up with. Seriously, her dad was after you? That is grounds for dismissal right there.

However, I've been in situation before, I can understand why you would want to go back.

Here's why:

You probably went through something similar to trauma bonding. When you invest a lot of time into a person who is by all means "unfixable", your ego can't help but think you can fix them. The effort you give to her is purely out of love and respect for her. Because she can't return that love back to you, you become even more preoccupied with her and you work on finding new ways to placate and pacify. Once she gives just a little bit back - you become totally invested and smitten with her. It is a nasty, nasty cycle.

The problem is, she is so whacked out that she doesn't even know she's doing it to you.

This not a healthy relationship by any means and you must RUN AWAY.

 

[the_untold_history]

bpd is often misdiagnosed as bi-polar. too me it's classic bpd, and it seems, a classic bpd/non cycle. but that doesn't matter anyway. the key for you is get away and stay away. easier said than done.

 

[iamnobody]

whatever she is, she's not healthy for you.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Dr Strangelove,
It is Academic,as to how twisted your friend is...It's really not your problem....Yet!....The real worry to me would be the kid.....These Psychological disorders are either through Association or Genetics inheritable..The Message is get out,easy said but harder done.

 

[Lgw]

BEHAVIORS THAT MAY INDICATE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER

Low stress tolerance with explosive behavior.

Moody – switches from nice guy/gal to anger without much provocation.

Survive on threats and intimidation to keep others chained to them.

They do not take responsibility for their behavior.

They have to be right. They have to win. They have to look good.

Very slow to forgive others. They hang on to resentment.

Unable to sustain a totally faithful relationship with love partner.

Tendency to project their own shortcomings onto the world about them – frequent blaming. Never at fault.

Ready rationalization – rarely at a loss for words – twists conversation to divorce themselves from responsibility.

Glimpses of integrity and emotion are seen – but short-lived. They give you hope that they are changing, but return soon to deviant behavior.

In a trust relationship, inevitably betray and violate their commitments and get blocked emotionally when they get too close to those they say they love.

They have no concept of open sharing of ideas, feelings, emotions. Conversation goes per their direction. They have the last word always.

Can show tenderness of feeling, then return to customary behaviors. Two (or more) vastly different sides to their personality are seen.

They never seem to get enough of what they want. They leave others feeling drained and confused.

Highly contradictory. He loves me, he hates me. They threaten their partner with poverty, then indulge their partner or the relationship.

You end up feeling responsible for the problem. They get to your feelings. No matter what -- they win, you lose.

Attitude of “I’ll meet your needs if you meet mine. If you don’t, I’ll find someone else who will or I will not meet yours.”

They are so skilled at making a mountain out of a molehill, and you become so tired of the conflict. It drains all of your energy, love and hope.

Emotional immaturity. Behavior is not age appropriate.

Self-centeredness. They come first and foremost. Are insincere about real interest in other people.

Little if any remorse for mistakes

Poor judgment

Unreliability, undependability, irresponsibility

Inability to profit from experience – does not learn a lesson from making mistakes

Inability to postpone immediate gratification – what they want, they want now. Impulsive and demanding

Conflict with, or defiance of, authority

Lack of appreciation for the consequences of their actions

Little if any conscience

Behavior develops little sense of direction – often uninfluenced by concepts of right and wrong

Gives lip service to professed values and beliefs

Often involved with illegal or unethical acts

Shallow interpersonal skills – inability to experience and verbalize deep feelings and emotions. Often insensitive to the needs and feelings of others. Cannot identify with how others feel.

Ability to put up a good front to impress and exploit others

Can con to get what they want to meet their needs, often at the expense of others.

The behavior is highly repetitious and many people are used.

They see others as pawns on a chess board. Maneuver people around for their own purposes. When done with others, they checkmate or reject them.

When they are trapped, they just keep talking or change the subject, or get angry.

Incapable of maintaining genuine loyalties to any person, group, or code

Chronic lying

Does/did poorly in school with attendance, grades, attitudes, and relationships with teachers. Was in conflict with parents over school performance.

Chip on shoulder attitude – ****y and arrogant

Rebellious to parents’ authority. Violates standards of the home frequently.

They cancel commitments without sound reason or warning.

They use friends for money, transportation, favors, time, attention, etc.

A taker – not a giver. They give for show and expect something in return.

They live life by avoiding responsibility vs. getting the job done.

Poor self-motivation – often described as lazy and listless. Lack ambition. Not helpful with routine chores.

Fun is the cornerstone of their lives.

Sexually curious or active. Place great importance on their sexual abilities. Sexual partners often feel used and demanded of.

Lack well-defined values.

They come across initially as caring and understanding and read others "like a book" because they make it their business to know how to maneuver people.

Angry mood most of the time.

They use sex to control, cover their insecurity or make up after a fight.

Poor planner with time and activity

Excessively concerned with personal appearance; e.g., hair, weight, the car they drive, clothes, having money to flash, career dreaming

Seem to enjoy disturbing others. Like to agitate and disrupt for no apparent reason.

Feel entitled to the good life without working for it.

Others get upset when in their presence. There’s a feeling of guardedness, caution, and suspicion that they create in others.

Poor work history – quitting, being fired, interpersonal conflicts

They repeatedly fail to honor financial obligations. Do not pay the bills in a responsible and timely way.

Flirtatious, overly friendly. They make inappropriate sexual comments.

They seldom express appreciation. Again, they are thinking of their needs not the needs of others.

Grandiose. Convinced that they know more than other people and are correct and right in almost all they say and do..

Clueless as to how they come across to others and to how they are viewed. They get defensive when confronted with their behavior. Never their fault. May be apologetic and seem sincere, but soon repeat the offensive behavior without appearing to have learned from it.

Motive for behavior is usually self-serving, and they do not recognize it.

Can get very emotional, even tearful, but behavior is more about show or frustration rather than contrition or sorrow.

They break their partner's spirit to keep them dependent.

Sabotage anything that makes their partner happy. Want partner to be happy only through them and to have few or no outside interests, friends or relationships with family.

They are always working somebody over – either subtly or aggressively - for a favor, deal, break, freebie, discount, etc.

Double standard. They're free to do their thing, but expect others to be what they want them to be, do what they want them to do. They don't let others be themselves.

Convincing. Successful at getting other people to believe in their perception of a problem. Are adamant that people side with them vs. allowing people to feel or believe differently.

They hide who they really are from everyone. No one knows the real person inside.

They scorn everyone and everything that they disagree with. They do not allow for differences to be respected and they scorn the responsible world.

Difficult to pin them down to a certain level of integrity that you can live with. They resist all efforts to define their values, behaviors, standards.

Kind to you usually only if they are getting from you what they want.

They announce, not discuss. They tell, not ask.

They do not discuss openly beforehand. You get to deal with after the fact information.

They control money of others but spend freely on themselves and others.

They win at the expense of your feelings. They think only of the end result without considering your feelings or needs in the process.

Unilateral condition of, "I’m OK and justified, so I don’t need to hear your position or ideas."

The hurt they describe is because they got caught, or they're mad that you’re mad, and not because they believe they made a mistake.

Secret life. You’re often wondering what they do or who they are that you don’t know about.

They always feel misunderstood.

Most of the time you feel miserable living with this person. When it’s good, you relish the peace, but that is usually short lived.

Are usually through listening once they've made their arguments.

You talk about their feelings, not yours.

Unchallenged by others because people seem to be put off by them, afraid of them, or they are elusive.

Are not interested in problem-solving openly.

Seem very interested in discerning personalities, so that they can strategize how to manipulate them.
They determine how, when, where we talk, and about what they want to talk about.
Pervasively insecure. Covers it by over-talking, over-controlling, or over-indulging, but seldom if ever owns and works through his insecurity.
Labels all mental health providers as quacks if he cannot out-smart them or if they figure him out. Does not last long in therapy.
Try this one: ask him what behaviors or attributes he needs to overcome or change. Expect denial or a lot of rambling words that mean nothing.
Expect narcissistic rage if called on his behavior.
Remember that he can only love one person at a time – and that person is himself.
Poor listener. Easily distracted and avoidant. Changes the subject. Cannot reflect back with sincerity on what the other person has said.
When he’s with people, the presentation is Here I am rather than there you are.
The underlying attitudes are like the guy who says to his girlfriend (after he’s been talking excessively about himself), “Oh, enough about me. What do you think about me?”
The ultimate goal is to have power over others.

90% of my exgf that has never been diagnoised.

 

[TonyBaloney]

Take today for example

Hey man,

I'm feelin ya........

BPD or not BPD, that is the question!

If your really bored, look at some of my early posts on the topic, these crazy women really are everywhere!

Take today for example -

I'm a tree trimmer, and I chopped down a tree adjacent to a 60 year old ladys house.

Didnt realize there was an issue until we were using the woodchipper and out of the corner of my eye i spotted a woman flailing her arms around shouting "STOP STOP"

I was actually feeding branches through the chipper at this point and ignored her.

Before I know it, she pushes branches out of the way, and jumps in front of me and throws her body towards the wood chipper, threatening her life, and causeing a real panic that she may have been pulled into it!!!! I shouted at her to get away, but she wouldnt. I switched off the machine, and said "Whatever you have to say, I'm not listening, I'm just gonna call the cops"

She shouted "how dare you make this noise outside my flat"?????
She then walked inside and took all of her clothes off!!!!! (she's 60 dont forget, so it was sick)

The cops said she was crazy so I started again, thankfully this time with out the mad woman harrasing me.........

There is no end to the melodrama that is the mind of a woman :crackup:

 

[rearea]

I think BPD is overused on this site but she may have it based on what you said
Was she abused as a child? Almost all women with BPD were
Im surprised you put up with that behavior as long as you did, quite frankly.


From a website:
Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder make frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. The perception of impending separation or rejection, or the loss of external structure, can lead to profound changes in self-image, affect, cognition, and behavior. These individuals are very sensitive to environmental circumstances. They experience intense abandonment fears and inappropriate anger even when faced with a realistic time-limited separation or when there are unavoidable changes in plans Their frantic efforts to avoid abandonment may include impulsive actions such as self-mutilating or suicidal behaviors.

Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder have a pattern of unstable and intense relationships. They may idealize potential caregivers or lovers at the first or second meeting, demand to spend a lot of time together, and share the most intimate details early in a relationship. However, they may switch quickly from idealizing other people to devaluing them, feeling that the other person does not care enough, does not give enough, is not “there” enough. These individuals can empathize with and nurture other people, but only with the expectation that the other person will “be there” in return to meet their own needs on demand.

Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder display impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging. They may gamble, spend money irresponsibly, binge eat, abuse substances, engage in unsafe sex, or drive recklessly.

Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder may also sometimes display recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior. Completed suicide occurs in 8%-10% of such individuals, and self-mutilative acts (e.g., cutting or burning) and suicide threats and attempts are very common. Recurrent suicidality is often the reason that these individuals present for help. These self-destructive acts are usually precipitated by threats of separation or rejection or by expectations that they assume increased responsibility. Self-mutilation may occur during dissociative experiences and often brings relief by reaffirming the ability to feel or by expiating the individual’s sense of being evil.

Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder may display affective instability that is due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). The basic dysphoric mood of those with Borderline Personality Disorder is often disrupted by periods of anger, panic, or despair and is rarely relieved by periods of well-being or satisfaction. These episodes may reflect the individual’s extreme reactivity to interpersonal stresses.

Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder may be troubled by chronic feelings of emptiness. Easily bored, they may constantly seek something to do. Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder frequently express inappropriate, intense anger or have difficulty controlling their anger. They may display extreme sarcasm, enduring bitterness, or verbal outbursts. The anger is often elicited when a caregiver or lover is seen as neglectful, withholding, uncaring, or abandoning. Such expressions of anger are often followed by shame and guilt and contribute to the feeling they have of being evil.

During periods of extreme stress, transient paranoid ideation or dissociative symptoms (e.g., depersonalization) may occur, but these are generally of insufficient severity or duration to warrant an additional diagnosis. These episodes occur most frequently in response to a real or imagined abandonment. Symptoms tend to be transient, lasting minutes or hours. The real or perceived return of the caregiver’s nurturance may result in a remission of symptoms.