BPD ex.... 3 months out - need some advice

[wolf]

You most likely have CPTSD. Your friends and family can't help you. Your family unit is most likely sick in some way and most likely has alot to do with why you are the way you are.

As for your friends.. well you chose them as friends based on what you have in common and how you think. Your friends are most likely what many on here would describe as ' blue pill'. It's not their fault that they can't help you as I am sure they all want to see you happy but they just won't be able to understand you. Once you have been through this crap then I guarantee that you will drift away from these people as you will no longer he able to relate to them. This is normal for anyone in your position.

YouTube was a God Send to me in my own Trauma Recovery. Right now you have a lot of questions that you want the answers to. The problem with that is that the more answers you find, the more questions will be raised and then begins the obsession. This will take its toll on you but you will find the answers you are are ultimately looking for.

I have been there and 2 years on I am still recovering. Not so much because of the girl but because of the crap from childhood that these women dredge up from deep in the past. It is a Trauma Bond.
She came into your life to open up your old wounds so that you could properly heal from them. The beauty of this is that you can effectively put yourself together again while leaving out all unprocessed Trauma that would ultimately lead you into the Web of another one of these Black Widows.

That new guy will go through the same crap and probably end up on here too lol. She will never change but you can!

 

[Mikeman123]

hi guys,

thanks for the responses, i've already read everything on the net there is to read and watch on youtube, hours and hours and hours of actual bpd sites, forums, youtube videos i went through all of that in the first two weeks probably about 8 hours a day for two weeks, was the only thing that brought any peace, i completely get why she is the way she is and how which helped a bit, and i completely realize my codependent traits, the thing is i still want to be with her and i can't stop thinking about how amazing our life could have been from the idealization stage, it's killing me, i already have a therapist and have been going but he doesn't even want to see me anymore he said she is the one that needs therapy and he did agree i need to work on my codependency issues and core trauma childhood issues but that's not his speciality, plus Shari Scirber is $240/hour life fuk

even though everything i've read tells me she is bpd and my therapist says he's 90% plus sure and Shari thinks she is, when i read stuff that other people have posted or on sites it's like i'm reading about her, she has 8 of the 9 traits and childhood issues but my mind keeps on trying to convince me that it was my fault and that she's not bpd and that i'm trying to force that on her, i'm not good looking enough or fuk she had me so twisted and messed up i actually thought i was going crazy to the point where i started to believe her and thought maybe i was being controlling and manipulative and mentally abusive to her like she said at the end even though i know that's not who i am, until the therapist told me she was just projecting on me how she felt about herself

anyways all i know is i'm fuked cuz i could never ever commit suicide cuz of my beliefs so that's out which leaves me fuked cuz if God came down right now and gave me a choice to leave i'd be fukin gone in a heart beat i wouldn't even have to think about it, i don't even know why my life looks like without her, she was wearing a fake wedding ring for me, she asked me to ask her to marry her when we were having sex once and i did and she said yes and was calling herself my fiancé like i just don't get it, she was telling me to get ready for the wedding in a year and to start making a song to sing to her and to write vows, i've never ever ever wanted to marry a girl before and have kids with one and this is the first girl i ever felt that way about and i'm in my 30's :/

she had kids and i was already attached to her kids and she promised me she would never introduce anyone to her kids unless it was forever

i'm fukin devastated, purely and truly devastated, i can't even stop dreaming about her, it's taking everything inside of me not to reach out to her, i've been nc since the day she ended it with me and so has she and the fact that she has a new bf already, when i found out i actually threw up, i just don't understand how a human being can do and say all those things and then just one day bam done

and the worst part is in the month before she broke up with me i almost ended with her twice just cuz i couldn't take the hot and cold anymore and the pulling away and both times she begged and pleaded crying for an hour and holding me and telling me im the only man she ever wants to be with for the rest of her life and i saw her tears and felt her heart and i took her back both times and then two weeks later she breaks up with me over a fight we had about her crazy ex who was being mentally abusive to her kids and i got in a fight with her trying to protect them and she would never ever put healthy boundaries inbetween her and her ex and it was affecting the kids and she would let her ex husband treat her like **** and walk all over her and i couldn't fuking take it anymore, so i make a stand and yah i blew up at her yelling and asking her how she could not put boundaries in place and she snapped on me, broke up with me the next day, blamed everything on me, said she should have never stayed with me this long and that there's only so much abusibe behaviour a girl can take and i've passed the line, in my head i'm like wtf just happened i've been taking abuse from her constantly and then i stand up for her and for myself and for her kids and i get broken up with for it, mine was even harder cuz she was the waif type so she never got mean and yelled and attacked me it was always pulling her emotions away to punish me or being cold after a romantic long weekend and making love for 4 hours, i'm just so fuking confused

sometimes i honestly feel my only way out is to go back to her and beg and be back with her and if she truly is bpd then let her just keep ****ing me up until i actually just die physically, and other days i get so fuking pissed cuz of everything i did for her and how amazing i was to her and she told me over and over and over i was the best thing that ever happened to her and she could never live without me and didn't even know how to live her life without me, she sent me pics of journal entries saying how i have shown her true love and out fire in her soul and shown her a love she always knew existed but could never find, her whole room was done up with things she made about me and her and paintings and cards and memories, so like i said sometimes get so pissed because of how amazing i was to her and everything i did for her and how she just bailed on me after me trying so hard to make it work and always forgiving her

she said she waited 30 years of her life to find someone like me, and then she just gives up on it
and says we aren't meant to be and that someone will come into both of our lives and we will realize why this wasn't meant to be

i'm so fuking destroyed

 

[Mikeman123]

please guys i just need to talk to someone on the phone, i just need someone who had been through it and knows how the idealization feels and then how it feels to be discarded in a heart beat, can one of u guys please just let me talk to u...

 

[wolf]

I highly recommend you get some anxiety meds and I never recommend meds to anyone.

 

[wolf]

And 2 weeks of youtube videos?? I took me months to find most of the relevant info I needed and it's taken you 2 weeks?

Something tells me you need to go a little deeper into the Rabbit Hole my friend.
Look up Lisa A Romano. She's good!

 

[Mikeman123]

yah two weeks 8 hours a day bro consistently ever day, i'll check her out though thank you

 

[stovepipe]

And 2 weeks of youtube videos?? I took me months to find most of the relevant info I needed and it's taken you 2 weeks?

Something tells me you need to go a little deeper into the Rabbit Hole my friend.
Look up Lisa A Romano. She's good!

This! Lisa and Ross are the best when it comes to BPD/Cluster B stuff. Two weeks ain't chit. I'm 6 months out and still learning and I've probably read more than 90% of folks here. Guess the hardest pill to swallow FOR ME is how happy these demons always look. Destroying a mans heart, then moving on the next day as if it never happened. Always showing off their new supply, while us victims are suffering watching YT vids for months, can't sleep, barely eat, nightmares, ect

 

[wolf]

yah two weeks 8 hours a day bro consistently ever day, i'll check her out though thank you

I was spending roughly the same amount of time everyday for MONTHS and 2 years on I'm still learning. I've been there. It hurts.. It sucks.. its cruel.. its Hell!!

 

[wolf]

You don't love her but you addicted to her. She invoked the addiction within you to keep you around. Push/Pull Hot/Cold.. This woman made you feel better about yourself than you had ever felt before and that is key to understanding how/why you got sucked in.

It's time to lay down the crack pipe and stop saying you loved this Woman because it wasn't "love" it was addiction.

 

[Billtx49]

'When things go wrong, don't go with them'
-Elvis Pressley

 

[xstang77]

It's gonna take time,if she was true bpd then she's just a pos,I know the anxiety and all that but it's gonna take time and The best distraction to help you get over the bump is to read the dj bible and self improvement stuff here,then when you have the basics down that you won't screw your self over trying to game one,date a more mentally stable woman that actually treats you like a human being for atleast 2 days straight and it will move you leaps and bounds to where you'll pretty much just almost laugh at what a joke your ex is as a human being.

 

[phil2015]

What are the chances Karma will catch up with this type of person?

 

[Billtx49]

What are the chances Karma will catch up with this type of person?

These disordered women carry their 'karma' with them constantly. Usually a history of failed relationships with more to come in their future. I wouldn't wish that kind of life for anyone.

 

[stovepipe]

What are the chances Karma will catch up with this type of person?

You can run, but you can't hide from Karma. The karma you probably want to happen is not the kind that does. Don't wish bad upon them or anyone. Forgive and let the universe do it's thing.

These disordered women carry their 'karma' with them constantly. Usually a history of failed relationships with more to come in their future. I wouldn't wish that kind of life for anyone.

While I agree their condition is hell, those little demons always look so got damn happy. Getting getting drunk/high all the time, riding the cawk carousal, having men constantly offering them gifts, getting a lot of attention,ect. While they may seem sad, they always seem happy. They go from crying for hrs about a breakup, to the next day forgetting that person existed. Karma always finds these people. My ex always used to say a black cloud follows her everywhere she goes. This last breakup with me she not only racked up $6k in debt, but lost just about all her possessions, including all her childhood stuff.

 

[Infern0]

What are the chances Karma will catch up with this type of person?

BPD's live in constant misery and internal suffering

"karma" took care of them a long time ago, what you are looking for is "revenge"

Let that go because it's no good for anyone.

 

[darksprezzatura]

I've been really struggling lately getting over my BPD ex. I finally broke it off for good over 3 months ago and immediately went into my "get over it" routine of the gym and dating multiple girls. I have never had a relationship that was so hard to get over and honestly feel like a loser for still thinking about her like I do. I was doing alright for a while mentally then around 2 weeks ago the obsessional thinking about her came back hard. The on/off for over a year completely broke my confidence and self esteem to the point I knew this girl was going to ruin me if I stayed with her. I haven't called her at all but have run into her a few times. The problem is her brother is a long time good friend of mine, her parents have been like my second family since high school, she literally lives a few blocks away and I've known this girl for close to 15 years. I have limited contact as much as I can, but any advice/insight on how long this is going to take? Any tips on getting this ***** out of my head? Im really getting disgusted with myself on this

If she was indeed BPD, she ****ed with your head with gas lighting and lying and made you emotionally invest too much.
You've broken down and have to build up from scratch.

It's probably the best moment of your life, that's why it's called the borderline gift.

I've been there so I'm telling you how to get out of the trap. I was in the same position as yours and once you get over it using the right method, you'll be stronger emotionally than the most 'alpha of alphas' and the other useless jargon thrown around.

The exact method to go around it:

1. Join the gym, I can't emphasise this more, it'll be hard but it's one of the most important parts to develop your self esteem long term.

2. Read Rooshv's Day Bang/Bang, internalise the concepts.

3. Start approaching lots of women. Your low confidence has made your approach anxiety at an all time high.

4. Throw all the things, pictures, anything that reminds you of her.

5. Learn to spin plates by giving them the attention they 'deserve', if they don't behave right, learn to drop them by ACTUALLY dropping them.

6. Get over the fear of rejection by escalating physical encounters and not caring whether the girls walks away after comfort building.

7. Once the gym routines are set, join other adventure sports like rock climbing, rafting

8. Maintain testosterone by regularly working out, eating vitamin D, Zinc, healthy sleep schedule.


Soon enough you won't even give two craps of your thoughts to her regardless of how she treated you because you have BETTER things to do than ruminate over a nut job.

Peace.
-Neo

 

[phil2015]

It's probably the best moment of your life, that's why it's called the borderline gift.

Brilliant advice!

On the advice of the guys in here I've joined a gym and have been 5 times this week. -- -Combined with the running and diet changes I've already lost a stone and am feeling healthier and seeing more definition in arms, back, chest, even my abs. The Gym is beneficial because there's loads of hot women in yoga pants going, which will/should alter the scarcity mindset you've probably fallen into.

Another thing you can do......Do something for charity. If you go to justgiving.com you can arrange to do an event for charity which will make you feel good as well as being something to focus on. I'm doing a half marathon in two weeks (13 miles) and training for that is helping me shift my focus onto other things besides crazy women.

I'm actively trying not to think about her now. Part of me thinks she will meet someone else and settle down/get married/have children but part of me knows this is unlikely.

 

[stovepipe]

Brilliant advice!

I'm actively trying not to think about her now. Part of me thinks she will meet someone else and settle down/get married/have children but part of me knows this is unlikely.

She will meet someone else. ExBPD was engaged to a guy for a year, she left him after he stood up for himself (zero closure for that guy). That guy had to wonder if she would get married and have kids too. Then she dated a friend whom she cheated on with me. Dumped him like a bag of trash and had the nerve to kinda enjoy telling me he cried (zero closure). Im sure he also though the samething, will she be happy.

Started dating me, got prego within months, we had an abortion, still asked me to marry her 100 times after all that, but never did. It ended after catching her will constant lies and inappropriate behavior (zero closure) I now wonder the same.

Even if we had the kid and got married, I more than likely wouldn't be here typing this or either one of us would have bailed from the marriage. She cried and cried asking me why no one wants to have a child and marry her. Well, I was too damn blind to see it at the time, but as time passed, the real her came out and I now look back in udder disgust for staying as long as I did.

Like you, I still ponder if their will be a man who can tame her and enjoy life with her. She was a super fun chick who had some really amazing qualities, but also more toxic ones. Deep down I know the same fate will happen to the next guy or she will get a Cluster B who will destroy her. Almost all BPD's who are married with kids are miserable, it rarely if ever works out. Most every article will tell you having a child with a Cluster B/BPD is a death sentence.

 

[phil2015]

She will meet someone else

Of this I've no doubt. In fact she's probably already met him. The last time I checked her Facebook a few weeks ago (not wise) she had new pictures on there with exes and random dudes liking them.

The reason my curiosity has peaked though, is she said she had 'waited for years, for someone like me' and I was 'the best thing that ever happened to her'. I now know this is probably love-bombing and she possibly says this to everyone, but I'm wondering one day if she will realise this and recognise her mistake.

 

[wolf]

She will meet someone else. ExBPD was engaged to a guy for a year, she left him after he stood up for himself (zero closure for that guy). That guy had to wonder if she would get married and have kids too. Then she dated a friend whom she cheated on with me. Dumped him like a bag of trash and had the nerve to kinda enjoy telling me he cried (zero closure). Im sure he also though the samething, will she be happy.

Started dating me, got prego within months, we had an abortion, still asked me to marry her 100 times after all that, but never did. It ended after catching her will constant lies and inappropriate behavior (zero closure) I now wonder the same.

Even if we had the kid and got married, I more than likely wouldn't be here typing this or either one of us would have bailed from the marriage. She cried and cried asking me why no one wants to have a child and marry her. Well, I was too damn blind to see it at the time, but as time passed, the real her came out and I now look back in udder disgust for staying as long as I did.

Like you, I still ponder if their will be a man who can tame her and enjoy life with her. She was a super fun chick who had some really amazing qualities, but also more toxic ones. Deep down I know the same fate will happen to the next guy or she will get a Cluster B who will destroy her. Almost all BPD's who are married with kids are miserable, it rarely if ever works out. Most every article will tell you having a child with a Cluster B/BPD is a death sentence.

I never really wanted to talk about my family on here but maybe it will help a few guys out. This is deep but here goes..

My mom - sexually abused as a kid and her dad was a chronic gambler. She grew up in foster care and pretty sure she is BPD.

My Dad - Abandoned as a kid by his Mom and has bedded over 2000 women (minimum) he is NPD and Schizophrenic. I have several half brothers from different Women by him.

My step dad - NPD .and haven't seen hin for years. I've got a sister from him. He married a BPD Woman who took the role of evil step mom.

Mom's boyfriend after him - ASPD. The guy had done time in prison for shooting someone. This guy was as nasty as they come.

Mom's latest Husband - best of a bad bunch. Maybe codependant. Married around 13 years. Mom tells him recently she wants a divorce. She told me she never loved him and accepted his proposal so she could changer her name and escape ASPD ex.

My family are mostly Female and mostly Cluster B's. None are happy and all have a trail of failed relationships behind them.

Who they are is set in stone. They do not change natter how much they wish they could!!

Walk on forward and grow yourself. I've spent almost 30 years in Cluster B Hell but not anymore!!