Boyfriend - To go out with her or not?

[NewMan]

Short and sweet.

I've made a date to go out with a girl on Saturday.

She's in a relationship right now, but is unhappy. They argue, he's controlling - you know the kind. She wouldn't date me while in this relationship.

I went to lunch with her Tuesday and she said she's breaking it off - they argued that morning.

Wednesday - she said she went over there (Tuesday night), he was upset and blamed himself and they agreed to cool it down and have some time off.

I asked if she stayed the night there - she said why are you asking these personal questions - and it's irrelevant.

Bottom line I asked her if she's going to continue to see this guy - she said probably.

What's your take on this? Am I getting to involved with this whole thing. Would you guys date someone who Fvcking someone else?

Should it even matter right now?

I'm a little confused on how to play this one. We've had some past history - a lot of past history. She's told me just to play it cool and things will work itself out.

 

[JohnJones]

You probably know that there are two schools of thought here and only you can decide what to do:

1) You can date her, get physically close to her, but don't view it as anything other than what it is (whether that's f'buddies or friends or "dating"), or

2) Stop seeing her because you'll get wounded.

(2) is easier and some will say unsophisticated, but 1 is dicey unless you know yourself.

I did (1). Now I don't know if I want a bigger relationship with a girl who can see someone else while she has a boyfriend (ie, is she lying to him in your case).

As far as it "work[ing] itself out", that probably means that she can see either being with you or him and since she might have both to choose from, it will work out from her perspective.

 

[NewMan]

When she told me that she went over his house but did not confirm that she stayed I got a little het up. I was going to cancel the date for Saturday.

Instead I called her and we talked.

She told me it was probably her mistake that she told me so much - about their problems and what was going on. She said that if I did not know her, then I would not have asked those questions.

She told me all that she's a little confused right now. That she enjoyes spending time with me - and that she just wants me to be cool. She said we will go out Saturday have fun and then see where things go from there - but she doesn';t want to feel any pressure. She knows I have a date on Friday and told me to go and have fun. She said if the roles were reversed, she would be cool with it - unless of course we were going to bring our relationship up to a physical level and then she would not be willing to share me with anyone.

The thing is, throughout this I've done all of the chasing. I've called her, asked her to lunch, opened things up. I think I probably moved a little to quickly - and she has not backed away any - which I think is a good sign. Im fact, I think that if it was not for me persuing she would not have told him "agreed to give each other a little space - and take a break from the whole thing" her words.

I'm just a little confused.

I don't know whether I should tell her to sort her sh#t out with this guy - before going out - the things with this is I don't know if she will actually call it off permanatly right now:-

OR just go ahead go out with her and have a good time.

My feeling is, if I go out with her, I'm going to get the girl - She's unhappy thats for sure. But I don't know how this will effect me in the future. Am I doing the right thing? I know I can only answer that question for me, but I need some insight here. I'm so close to the situation that I need unemotional unbiased views on this and what I should do.

 

[JohnJones]

If you want this girl, go out Saturday and show her a great, fun time (not overblown and don't be a shoulder to cry on).

After that, disappear. If she thinks she's lost you, and she wants you, she'll come running, expecially since she'll be faced with staying in the old relationship.

If she doesn't, she didn't want anything other than a distraction (or she was happy to permit you to cause her moments of happiness).

You want her to change her status quo, but you are giving her no reason to: you give her attention, ask and are interested in her activities with him, check in on her, etc. She gets attention from both him and you.

You have another girl, so go with it. If the one wants you, she'll come running before too long.

 

[PRMoon]

She's gonna keep seeing this guy until she knows there's a better option out there at which time she'll leave. If you yourself think that you are that better option then i think its on you to put yourself out there as such. Sitting idly by and asking her questions about her current realationship dosen't help you in this case. In fact I'd say that the express train to the Just friends zone, a place that no one usually wants to go. So I'd say stop that. If you want to go out with her I'd suggest just asking her out formally or don't hang in there at all. Those temporary breaks are a good way to work your way in there. If it happens once it'll happen again so just let her know you're interested and bide your time.

In the mean time what are you doing only going after one girl, I'd reccomend that you get out there and hunt like the rest of us primates. she can't be the only girl so keep your options open aight.

 

[NewMan]

PRMoon -

I've a date this Friday with a girl, so I'm not just going after this chick.....

I think I just got a little to emotional on this one. I over thought the whole thing and got to involved.

I spoke to her last night and she's pretty much telling me what I have to do... She's telling me not to rush it, and let's go out and we will build from there. I think I put a little to much pressure on her - in fact, she probably would not have told this guy that they need to take a break from the whole thing.

I'm going out Friday with another chick, then out with this on on Saturday. We will see where it goes from there.

My plan is to take her out have a great time then retreat the fvck back - and let her mull things over. If she get's in contact with me, then I know she's interested for sure.

Thoughts on that?

 

[Slickster]

"Newman is trying to Pull one over on Us

Why??? How???

Because in this post Newman is hiding the fact that this girl he is trying to get is actually his Ex. The same Ex that dumped him a few months back. The same Ex that Newman continually posts about. The same Ex that so many DJ's keep telling him to forget.


I'm sorry to do this to you Newman but you need a serious kick in the ASS!

I've followed your story about your Ex from your very first post here on sosuave Newman. Why? Because I went thru the exact same thing but my Ex dumped me about 6 months earlier. In fact the story about your break-up was so close to mine that it was scary. What I'm about to post is very harsh but its for your own damn good! I've been thru the exact same thing and I know what I'm talking about.

You've been posting this story about how your Ex is with a new guy but she's unhappy and you've been asking for our advice on how to get her back. How many times has everyone told you to FORGET HER??? How many people have told you to keep your distance and cut off contact with her? How many times are you going to keep banging your head against this wall Newman?

Now what you're doing is really sad. You're asking for advice about how to get this chick but hiding the fact that she's your Ex because you know exactly what we're going to tell you. You say that you have "History" with this chick. How about coming clean. You were with her for 5 years and she dumped your ass. You're not being honest with us and worse you're not being honest with yourself.

Now, that's out of the way, let's be real here.

Newman you really want your Ex back? You really want to keep ripping that bandaid off of your unhealed wounds? Fine. You're a glutton for punishment.

May I point out though that you're going about it all wrong. Believe me from experience because I did exactly what you are doing right now about 5 years ago. What happened? She lost all respect for me. And in the process I lost respect for myself.

Newman said,

Wednesday - she said she went over there (Tuesday night), he was upset and blamed himself and they agreed to cool it down and have some time off.

I asked if she stayed the night there - she said why are you asking these personal questions - and it's irrelevant.

Newman, it IS relevant. You're trying to gauge what's going on with her and this new guy. Considering the circumstances you have every right to ask questions. Guess what she's telling you they're breaking up but she's still fVcking him. Guaranteed. Just imagine what she tells her new bf about you. She probably says "Oh I'm going out for lunch with my ex. But don't worry I don't have any feelings for him anymore. He means nothing to me." She's playing both of you.

Newman said,

Bottom line I asked her if she's going to continue to see this guy - she said probably.

Writing is on the wall. Newman is being fed a great big Sh!t sandwich.


Newman said,

The thing is, throughout this I've done all of the chasing. I've called her, asked her to lunch, opened things up. I think I probably moved a little to quickly - and she has not backed away any - which I think is a good sign. Im fact, I think that if it was not for me persuing she would not have told him "agreed to give each other a little space - and take a break from the whole thing" her words.

You know damn well that she should be pursuing you, yet you persist on being played for a fool. You want to know why she hasn't backed away. Because she wants you trapped in her little web. She was afraid she lost you. She hasn't retreated because she hasn't found a suitable substitute for you yet. If things were going great with this new guy do you think she'd keep you around so you could mess that up?

She know's you've been dating other chicks and is worried that you might find some happiness and she'll be left alone. But she won't let that happen. She knows you too well. She knows exactly how much power she has over you and she has you right where she wants you.

Newman said,

She knows I have a date on Friday and told me to go and have fun. She said if the roles were reversed, she would be cool with it

SEE!!! She doesn't really want you at all. If she did do you think she'd want you seeing other chicks??? She's using you as a security blanket. FVCK That!

Newman said,

I think I just got a little too emotional on this one. I over thought the whole thing and got too involved.

That's an understatement

Newman said,

I spoke to her last night and she's pretty much telling me what I have to do... She's telling me not to rush it, and let's go out and we will build from there. I think I put a little too much pressure on her - in fact, she probably would not have told this guy that they need to take a break from the whole thing.

Newman you might know the right thing to do but do you really think you can pull it off? The way you are handling all this is so fvcking AFC its sick. I mean chasing her around, calling, IMing, pressuring her, getting upset about her staying at her boyfriend's place. You even say that if you didn't pressure her, she wouldn't have told her bf that they should take a break. HOLY FVCK man!!! Can't you see how you're behaving?

I really think you are WAAAAAY too emotionally involved in her to make any logical decision whatsoever. Even if you manage to get her back its going to blow up in your face because you've proven that she has all the power and control in your relationship. How can she respect you if you give her all this power over you?

Once again Newman, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being so harsh with you. But because our stories are so similar I feel compelled to tell you that you are making a big mistake here.

That chick is no damn good for you! Forget her!!!

However, you haven't listened to me or anyone else here so I know my advice will fall on deaf ears. I've gone back and read thru some of your old posts about this matter Newman. When I think about how much time was spent giving you good advice it pisses me off. You haven't learned a damn thing.

P.S. You want to know why I stopped posting about my Ex?

One day I posted another EX gf/oneitis post. Everyone had already heard my story many times and given me all the advice I could ask for. Well my thread received a ton of "views" but not a single person responded to my whining.


Newman, move the FVCK on with your life!!!

 

[NewMan]

Slickster - don't appologize for burning me. Thats what you lot there are out there to do - keep a guy on the straight and narrow.

Your right to a point.

But - what your failing to say, was that I was doing fine with my life. I had taken the advice of people here - I went away and did my thing - was doing my thing. Was moving on with my life.

I didn't run back to her. Thats not what happened here. She initiated it by calling me one morning at work and asking if I wanted to go to lunch with her - I did. a Mistake? maybe? but I don't believe that.

I saw her, had lunch, laughed, and left. And that was all it was from my point of view.

We talked again one night a week later - and we hit it off well. Thats why this whole thing started.

I'm not running back to her - that would be AFC.

What I'm doing is going out with her for dinner. Is that an AFC move?

I'm certainly not getting back into the relationship as it was. I don't intend to be supplicating to her - and as yet I have not.

I'm going out to dinner - yes I asked her - and then see what happens. That doesn't mean I'm running back to her.

If I fvcked up here, it was letting myself get emotionally ahead of the game - and I've managed to get that back under control and see things for what they are (I believe) - thanks to advice here.

I'm going out on Saturday becuase of one thing - Because I want to - because it would make me happy to do that. I'm going out knowing ahead of it what the situation is - and if I don't like the way things are going I WILL WALK.

One thing I know now, I am strong enough to walk away and leave. I'm the one in power here - I'm happy with the way my life is.

 

[Slickster]

Newman

It's good hear from you. I was hoping that wasn't too harsh.

I'm worried about you Newman. Do you have as much strength as you think? Or are you fooling yourself?

You may be opening yourself up for a world of hurt. Spending time with your ex can mess with your head. Bigtime.

 

[NewMan]

Slickster...

I know it Fvcks with your head.

I've seen her in the last 3 weeks - every time I was fine emotionally - and walked away feeling good.

I will not lie. I would have jumped her bones in a heart beat - But I'm smart enough to know that any thoughts of that - or any display like that should be put to the side. It was.

If it was not for our in depth conversations - if it wasn't for the fact that her actions and her words are telling me that she's interested I would not persue it anymore. I would have just moved on with my life.

I am not going to go into this blindfolded - and I hope that this board has/will help with that. If her interest is not there then I will walk away. I will not open myself up to her until I know that she wants more.

Saturday is a "Toe in the water" deal. If it's to cold I'm out. It's up to her to get me, I will not be chasing her around.

There's risk for sure - there's always risk - but I believe I'm in a position to deal.

Plus I'm going out with a hottie on Friday - so all is not lost.

I appreciate your input.