Bought a house with the girlfriend uhoh

[LimeSlush]

So before I say anything I already know this wasn't the smartest thing I could of done, but I'll explain my predicament.
I've been with my gf for 2.5 years now, we've been through some ups and down with emotions and not enough sex etc. I started looking around to buy my first house that she would of moved into with me but it would of been in my name. We ended up finding a place well below my pre approval and so we get it. Went in 50/50 on everything. This girl has alot of positive qualities, she's always been supportive of me in everything, she is a really kind, beautiful person, everything I looked for in a wife or LTR.
But the sex issues we went through lasted a long time, 2 years and a bit. I'm a sucker for staying and not moving on to something else but anyway, I stayed. This took a toll on me without a doubt and in the last month that we've signed the papers for the house we've been arguing alot. I'm so effing sick of it. The sex issue finally resolved itself a couple months ago then a month after that were arguing. I think I may be sick of just dealing with friction over something in a relationship and it never being just normal. With this new house it's like, first she wanted me to ditch my entertainment unit as it was a bit dated. Then it's like well if I don't like your desk or if it doesn't flow can we paint it? I said I have 2 recliners and she's hesitant to want them in the living room as she wants a "clean and crisp" look. I suggest I'd like to put up some framed movie posters that I like and I get the "well we'll see how it all looks". I finally got mad cause I said everything I own or suggest is subject to "we'll see" and I'm not asking for your GD approval on it. Then it feels like she back pedals and says well everything I suggest is a we'll see too, maybe it won't look good. More and more I find myself wanting to make things work with this girl and it just starts to feel futile. I'd rather live alone with my dog and be completely free.
I talked to my mortgage broker about it and she said I'm already approved for the place on my own so it's a non issue, I'd just have to pay the gf whatever she put down for the down payment which I conveniently have available. But I want things to work out with her is this just denial? Am I being out of line here?

 

[LimeSlush]

Except we sign the papers next week and move in on the 31st. I think it's too late in the game at this point to even tell the bank no I'm moving in myself and to have the whole process re start. Not to mention the fact the bank could pull the plug on it all, that's what I'm worried about I guess.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

What happens if you go ahead, buy the house with her, and fvkking HATE IT?

I mean financially? Can you get out? Sell your half? Not ruin your credit? If not, then maybe try something like this:

Buy the house on your own, give her back the down payment, let her live with you WITHOUT ANY LEGAL connection.

See what she says to this. If she balks, it's more about control than the relationship.

If she accepts, it's more about the relationship than the control.

Tell her it's this way or no way. The house will ALWAYS be in your name only.

Otherwise, you may simply be delaying the inevitable. And making it MUCH, MUCH harder to get out then.

BEST CASE:

She agrees, backs off, and behaves, and realizes the relationship means more to her than co-ownership and co-control.

WORST CASE:

It ends your relationship, and she does EVERYTHING in her female-ninja power to HURT YOU as much as she possibly can.

 

[Tictac]

If she's on the mortgage note, she owns half the mortgage. So if you out the papers in that way and want to get her off so you are the only owner, you may be starting from zero.

And, you should check the divorce laws in your state. On the note or not, half owner or not, if she lives there long enough, she will likely be entitled to half the equity whether she's in the deed or mortgage.

It's great to be a man!

 

[LimeSlush]

Well we had had an argument a little over a week ago, in which I stated that I wasn't even excited to move into my first house because of everything that was going on with fighting and all the turmoil that seemed to be present in the relationship right now. She's brought that up now twice this week, she's been really upset that I'm not excited to move into my own house and how she feels horrible that it has ended up this way for me. When I posted my original msg here we were arguing, and just minutes ago we were arguing and she left saying to take her name off, and that if everything she's said has made it seem like it's going to be hell to love together and that I'm not even excited then to just take her name off and be done with it, and she left. Soooo :S

 

[Prime_Beef]

Wait til u both live there, u fight, break up, she accuses u of domestic violence! U get kicked out of your half the house, and no real marriage = no real divorce court to compel a sale and split the equity. Walk now or buy in your name only. It gets ugly, fast.

 

[Young OG]

Except we sign the papers next week and move in on the 31st. I think it's too late in the game at this point to even tell the bank no I'm moving in myself and to have the whole process re start. Not to mention the fact the bank could pull the plug on it all, that's what I'm worried about I guess.

Do not sign the papers. Your worried about your bank more then your worried about yourself. You always could try to get another house on your own. This is YOUR life here. It sounds like a bad idea and you need to get out of this anyway you can. Do it for YOU.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

Well we had had an argument a little over a week ago, in which I stated that I wasn't even excited to move into my first house because of everything that was going on with fighting and all the turmoil that seemed to be present in the relationship right now. She's brought that up now twice this week, she's been really upset that I'm not excited to move into my own house and how she feels horrible that it has ended up this way for me. When I posted my original msg here we were arguing, and just minutes ago we were arguing and she left saying to take her name off, and that if everything she's said has made it seem like it's going to be hell to love together and that I'm not even excited then to just take her name off and be done with it, and she left. Soooo :S

You have PRECIOUS FEW MOMENTS to act on this. Do not talk to her about it again to "make sure." Call whoever you need to do to get this started.

RIGHT THE FVCK NOW.

Next time you talk to her, tell her you did what you think was best to SAVE THE RELATIONSHIP.

You were CONVINCED if you bought the house together you would RUIN THE RELATIONSHIP.

You want to buy the house ALONE to give the relationship a chance.

IF SHE ASKS. Ideally, get it done WITHOUT further conversations with her. DO NOT WAIT. CALL NOW!!!!

Or better yet, cancel the whole process, and look for a house KNOWING it is going to be YOURS free and clear.

This is Amityville Horror calling you from beyond the grave:

GETTTTTT!

OUTTTTTT!

 

[Tenacity]

Lime Slush,

Not sure why the post sir? I'm sure you read this Forum, I (and others like me) have stated over and over that this is the risk you face when you enter into ANY legal agreement with an American woman, including marriage, child creation or co-habitation. The situation can start off "great" and eventually turn into "hell". So I'm sure already know this sir, so why the post?

Either you decide you want to continue living in hell, or you want to get out of hell by paying the price to do so by fvcking up your credit, losing some money, losing some time, losing some energy and losing some mental health cells along the way, but at least at this point those would be the "only" losses allowing you to go out and "recover" them.

You mention that you want to be free, well, as I have stated over and over on this Forum, you will be free the moment you decide to NOT enter a legal agreement with an American woman. That means no marriage, no children creation and no co-habitation. I have said this over and over on this Forum sir. I continue to tell you guys that you LOSE this freedom when you enter into a legal agreement with an American woman, thinking that the bytch will always be the "sweet, soft, angel" that she is at the beginning of the relationship.

It's funny that my buddy taiyuu otoko (T.O.) is telling you to get out of the deal, which he's totally correct, but my buddy T.O. is one of the FIRST to jump up and bash me as a "Negative Nancy" when I focus on preventive maintenance by telling guys to NOT enter into this shyt in the first place. When you enter into this shyt and it goes sour, you are going to create financial losses for yourself in one form or fashion, it's going to happen. And you know what that does? It sets you back, our Generation might not see Social Security, you don't have time to be getting SET BACK. You can't afford to make dumb a.ss financial decisions like this, fvcking around with American Women in legal agreements.

If we focused on preventive maintenance rather than running into the emergency room after our kidney has fallen out, then we wouldn't end up in a lot of these stupid financial situations with American Women.

On that note, I'll end this rant with the following quote from Warren Buffet:

“You only have to do a very few things right in your life, so long as you don’t do too many things wrong.”

 

[LimeSlush]

Lime Slush,

Not sure why the post sir? I'm sure you read this Forum, I (and others like me) have stated over and over that this is the risk you face when you enter into ANY legal agreement with an American woman, including marriage, child creation or co-habitation. The situation can start off "great" and eventually turn into "hell". So I'm sure already know this sir, so why the post?

Either you decide you want to continue living in hell, or you want to get out of hell by paying the price to do so by fvcking up your credit, losing some money, losing some time, losing some energy and losing some mental health cells along the way, but at least at this point those would be the "only" losses allowing you to go out and "recover" them.

You mention that you want to be free, well, as I have stated over and over on this Forum, you will be free the moment you decide to NOT enter a legal agreement with an American woman. That means no marriage, no children creation and no co-habitation. I have said this over and over on this Forum sir. I continue to tell you guys that you LOSE this freedom when you enter into a legal agreement with an American woman, thinking that the bytch will always be the "sweet, soft, angel" that she is at the beginning of the relationship.

It's funny that my buddy taiyuu otoko (T.O.) is telling you to get out of the deal, which he's totally correct, but my buddy T.O. is one of the FIRST to jump up and bash me as a "Negative Nancy" when I focus on preventive maintenance by telling guys to NOT enter into this shyt in the first place. When you enter into this shyt and it goes sour, you are going to create financial losses for yourself in one form or fashion, it's going to happen. And you know what that does? It sets you back, our Generation might not see Social Security, you don't have time to be getting SET BACK. You can't afford to make dumb a.ss financial decisions like this, fvcking around with American Women in legal agreements.

If we focused on preventive maintenance rather than running into the emergency room after our kidney has fallen out, then we wouldn't end up in a lot of these stupid financial situations with American Women.

On that note, I'll end this rant with the following quote from Warren Buffet:

“You only have to do a very few things right in your life, so long as you don’t do too many things wrong.”

Hey I'm not sure why the post, I guess part of me that thought this was a good idea was the one that wanted marriage and saw the good qualities she has, which she definitely does. I'm not exactly sure what I hoped for by posting. Also, I'm canadian, not sure if our women are different than American or not lol

 

[guru1000]

Couple points here:

If you get a joint mortgage and joint in deed, you are screwed. This is what may happen. You will get into a fight, she will stop paying her 1/2 of the mortgage; you will either default in payments or have to pay her half while she owns 1/2 the property. Then ===>

You will have a tough time reaching an agreement to buy her out, as to buy her out, she will want her name to be removed from the mortgage also. Here is the kicker: if you default on the mortgage because she is not paying her half, then you won't be able to refinance under your name solely for a minimum 2-4 years of timely payments AFTER you paid all the arrears in full. Accordingly, because you can't refinance, she probably will not sell you half the deed, as she doesn't want to be legally liable for debt for an asset she doesn't own. ===>>

Now that you are in arrears, assuming you don't want to or cant catch up, you will be required to modify the loan or sell the house. You cannot modify the loan as she probably wouldn't be cooperative in providing income documents to the lender's underwriting===>>

Now you will have to sell the house.

End result: Damaged credit, no house, no asset, inability to buy a new house for 2-4 years thereafter--and a mountain of headaches.

Solution: Take the mortgage solely under your name. Banks will usually have a problem with your adding a non-mortgager deed holder at a new purchase closing. Find a real-estate attorney that can corroborate this and use it as an excuse as to why she cannot be on deed. Disqualify her from the mortgage by having the mortgage broker state her credit score is too low, or her credit liabilities are too high causing too high a debt-to-income ratio for a financing commitment.

Ignore this advice at your own peril.

 

[Billtx49]

Per your original post, you two already have friction and some disagreements before the purchase of a house. Do you think the house purchaze and cohabitation will solve these problems ?
Be absolutely certain the relationship problems and home furnishing disagreements are solved to your satisfaction first sir.
Btw - the sex issues Will return after the move in.

 

[Mr_Maximus]

So before I say anything I already know this wasn't the smartest thing I could of done, but I'll explain my predicament.
I've been with my gf for 2.5 years now, we've been through some ups and down with emotions and not enough sex etc. I started looking around to buy my first house that she would of moved into with me but it would of been in my name. We ended up finding a place well below my pre approval and so we get it. Went in 50/50 on everything. This girl has alot of positive qualities, she's always been supportive of me in everything, she is a really kind, beautiful person, everything I looked for in a wife or LTR.
But the sex issues we went through lasted a long time, 2 years and a bit. I'm a sucker for staying and not moving on to something else but anyway, I stayed. This took a toll on me without a doubt and in the last month that we've signed the papers for the house we've been arguing alot. I'm so effing sick of it. The sex issue finally resolved itself a couple months ago then a month after that were arguing. I think I may be sick of just dealing with friction over something in a relationship and it never being just normal. With this new house it's like, first she wanted me to ditch my entertainment unit as it was a bit dated. Then it's like well if I don't like your desk or if it doesn't flow can we paint it? I said I have 2 recliners and she's hesitant to want them in the living room as she wants a "clean and crisp" look. I suggest I'd like to put up some framed movie posters that I like and I get the "well we'll see how it all looks". I finally got mad cause I said everything I own or suggest is subject to "we'll see" and I'm not asking for your GD approval on it. Then it feels like she back pedals and says well everything I suggest is a we'll see too, maybe it won't look good. More and more I find myself wanting to make things work with this girl and it just starts to feel futile. I'd rather live alone with my dog and be completely free.
I talked to my mortgage broker about it and she said I'm already approved for the place on my own so it's a non issue, I'd just have to pay the gf whatever she put down for the down payment which I conveniently have available. But I want things to work out with her is this just denial? Am I being out of line here?

Cohabitation does require some compromise and she is paying half.

I think living with her is not what you want. You have stated clearly what you want.

My advise is to listen to your gut and don't go against it because this could turn out to be a huge emotional and financial mistake.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Limeslush,
Well you should send Rollo A cheque tomorrow...The fantastic Advice you have received from all the above posters,the wisdom and condensed experience they have shared is priceless...great to see how you have taken the advice on board and seem to be adopting a more sensible position...now don't waiver,put some steel in your backbone and face up to this Woman...You are running this show not her!!!

 

[YawataNoKami]

So before I say anything I already know this wasn't the smartest thing I could of done, but I'll explain my predicament.
I've been with my gf for 2.5 years now, we've been through some ups and down with emotions and not enough sex etc. I started looking around to buy my first house that she would of moved into with me but it would of been in my name. We ended up finding a place well below my pre approval and so we get it. Went in 50/50 on everything. This girl has alot of positive qualities, she's always been supportive of me in everything, she is a really kind, beautiful person, everything I looked for in a wife or LTR.
But the sex issues we went through lasted a long time, 2 years and a bit. I'm a sucker for staying and not moving on to something else but anyway, I stayed. This took a toll on me without a doubt and in the last month that we've signed the papers for the house we've been arguing alot. I'm so effing sick of it. The sex issue finally resolved itself a couple months ago then a month after that were arguing. I think I may be sick of just dealing with friction over something in a relationship and it never being just normal. With this new house it's like, first she wanted me to ditch my entertainment unit as it was a bit dated. Then it's like well if I don't like your desk or if it doesn't flow can we paint it? I said I have 2 recliners and she's hesitant to want them in the living room as she wants a "clean and crisp" look. I suggest I'd like to put up some framed movie posters that I like and I get the "well we'll see how it all looks". I finally got mad cause I said everything I own or suggest is subject to "we'll see" and I'm not asking for your GD approval on it. Then it feels like she back pedals and says well everything I suggest is a we'll see too, maybe it won't look good. More and more I find myself wanting to make things work with this girl and it just starts to feel futile. I'd rather live alone with my dog and be completely free.
I talked to my mortgage broker about it and she said I'm already approved for the place on my own so it's a non issue, I'd just have to pay the gf whatever she put down for the down payment which I conveniently have available. But I want things to work out with her is this just denial? Am I being out of line here?

Dear God. I really do not want offend you ..............are you on drugs or just plain stupid? Did you know in some states (by doing this , moving together) you could end paying palimony?

Run , and do not look back.

 

[Tenacity]

Hey I'm not sure why the post, I guess part of me that thought this was a good idea was the one that wanted marriage and saw the good qualities she has, which she definitely does.

Then tell you what, stop posting, stop bytching, move in with her and sign the marriage contract then. How about that? If living and being married to her becomes a living hell, so what? After all, she has "good girl qualities" so doesn't that take up for living in hell then?

Seriously, I'm going to stop repeating myself on these Forums. You guys want to do this shyt, then go ahead, be stupid. Just stop coming on here whining about it after the fact, it's already been TOLD TO YOU A MILLION TIMES what the nature of this market of women is like.

 

[guru1000]

it's already been TOLD TO YOU A MILLION TIMES what the nature of this market of women is like.

It's not so much the nature of the market of women. It's the nature of people as a whole and the laws/regulations that govern this process.

Once you truly understand that the nature of the majority of people you will meet (notice I said majority, not all), both men and women, are egocentric, then you are well on your way toward making wiser, more provident decisions in your life planning.

 

[guru1000]

Yannick, you are still very young in MAN years. Just learn from and never repeat those life lessons.

They say that it's better to learn from other people's mistakes than your own. This is true insofar as your carnal success and existence. However, from a spiritual perspective, sometimes we need to experience these "mistakes" to feel the pangs of pain, learn from, and evolve. In other words, regret nothing. THEY are all stepping stones needed to reach the APEX.

 

[MatureDJ]

Couple points here:

If you get a joint mortgage and joint in deed, you are screwed. This is what may happen. You will get into a fight, she will stop paying her 1/2 of the mortgage; you will either default in payments or have to pay her half while she owns 1/2 the property. Then ===>

You will have a tough time reaching an agreement to buy her out, as to buy her out, she will want her name to be removed from the mortgage also. Here is the kicker: if you default on the mortgage because she is not paying her half, then you won't be able to refinance under your name solely for a minimum 2-4 years of timely payments AFTER you paid all the arrears in full. Accordingly, because you can't refinance, she probably will not sell you half the deed, as she doesn't want to be legally liable for debt for an asset she doesn't own.

I am curious if this is the standard way a divorce proceeds. I was always under the impression that in a divorce, the disposition of the home was always part of the negotiation - and that if an agreement cannot be made, either party can force the home to be sold, unless because of children, the family judge can force the non-custodial parent to continue to provide for the home.

 

[Mr_Maximus]

Let me create a scenario, for shvts and giggles. Some will deem it cynical, but it is very realistic....and I would argue probable.

1. You buy the house together
2. She calls all shots on furniture, decorations, where your stuff is allowed to go.
3. Sex drops off dramatically, arguing increases dramatically.
4. You consider leaving, and tell her so.....things improve, and sex picks up.
5. OOPS. I'm pregnant. Even though you didn't want kids, and it is clear things are not going well. You now have an obligation to support her and the child - the child at least. You can't ask her to leave, she is 1/2 owner. You can leave if you like, sucker, just keep making 1/2 the mortgage payments.
6. 7 months in - pregnant, can't work anymore.....sorry dude, consulted a lawyer, and you now have to pay the ENTIRE mortgage since I can't work , since YOU MADE me get pregnant.


Are we getting the picture here gents?


I realize this is a ridiculous sounding scenario.......I realize that. Did you know that scenario's like this play out each and every day? EVERY DAY.

Do NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH THIS WOMAN AT THIS POINT

If she wants to walk, let her!!

I just went through something similar. GF of 2.5 years pushed and pushed to buy a house together............I'd have to sell mine, move to a more expensive area, further from my job, go deeper in debt .......we would own together....but she had no money to put in.....so I would take all the risk, put all the money in, and she would.......................well, she would live there. Guess what? When I wouldn't do it? She didn't "see a future for us" and thought we should just be friends.


Know what I did?? CHEERED inside. Because now her true intentions were known, I dodged a bullet, and saved myself alot of heartache and debt.

Would I ever find another woman? Would I die a lonely old man?? No...I started dating a different one 4 weeks later.

You are about to make a very expensive mistake.

I get the impression that you did not "see a future for us" either..

I understand that proposition was not attractive but like others have suggested to the original poster. You could have asked her to move in with you and give her the option to buy some equity (or rent) over time while you, well, you would live there without putting any more money in.

Your situation is different to the original posters because the cracks in his relationship started to show for a while now but she is willing to pay half.