Borderline Wife- Was ref from yahoo answers

[sadonomspa]

Hey guys,

I have been reading up on as much BPD posts on here as I can. I am going thru a really rough patch but I guess its good to rant and get it out here.

I met my wife 5 years ago, we met via mutual friends in a club. I started dating her and I felt like she wanted to have sex rather quickly. I mean I would hold out much longer but she kept nagging me about it and saying "so you wanna do it"

Regardless when we finally did it I felt dirty and wrong, we did it one more time and I broke up with her. She was also becoming increasingly clingy and it was turning me off.
We only dated 2 months.

Fast foward another 2 months I see her at a party and felt really bad for her. She was heavily intoxicated and was driving home drunk. I told her she could stay at my house if she wanted but she refused.

I felt so bad I wrote her a nice letter a day later asking for her back into my life. A week later we got together and the rest was history.

She was an ex funeral director who could not keep a job at all, she ended up working at Barnes and Noble because I knew a manager there. Then ended up quiting when her mom promised her a job at her friends firm and then did not come thru.

I stopped trusting her when I found emails she would write to her f**k buddy out in LA. They would always flirt and it pissed me off.

Her first major bubble exploded when we were going to a party and she just all of a sudden got really quite and then started crying and then started yelling for no reason.

Then at the party we were totally fine taking lots of pictures etc.

We got into another major fight after she forced herself to move into my apartment after telling me her mother was moving to Florida and she would have no place to go. She moved in with me 8 months before her mom even moved to Florida which should have been suspect.

My first "real" fight with her was when I was helping my friend with his computer and got home 20 minutes late. She blasted me on my voicemail and then met me up so we could go. She played the silent treatment and would not talk and just gave me the look of death! Soon after I developed pains in my chest and back that would not leave me for 3 years.(yea major warning sign my body even hated her)

So she wrote journals about other guys about how she wants them to mean what they meant to her when she first met them etc.

Regardless we moved out of my grandmothers house and into my own place. Soon after she moved out to her uncles place because I was being unfair and I did not want her around.

She moves back, shortly after moves to her uncles again and then from his house to a roomates house.

ok there are so many details I will just go to the present moment.

Last summer I lost my business, she said she "fell out of love with me" and decided to join the Navy. As she was getting sworn in she calls me and said "I made a mistake I really do love you lets talk later" so before bootcamp I take her back. Even though I was all set on her leaving me because who the hell joins the Navy at 28 when they already have an established life with someone. Whoa she really must hate me.

She goes to bootcamp. Leave me alone at yet another apartment we rented together and our saga goes into last November when she graduates and I visit her.

We decided to get married on New Years Eve. The day before she was giving me grief about it because she did not think I was ready.

After we get married I manage to visit her every month where she is stationed for extended weekends. So from January to May I am doing this.

I find emails she puts in a journal she has online and does not know that I know about it. She was basicaly writing her old f**k buddy from LA about how hot he looks in his new pictures and emphasising "hot" all the time!

I approach her and ask if she has anything to tell me or if she wants a get out of jail free card. She ends up sending me a long email about how she loves me and does not resent anything!

In April she was telling me how sorry she was for putting me thru that whole I fell out of love thing with you. I did not even know why she was mentioning it but oh well I told her to forget it and that I loved her.

All thru April we send each other love letters via email and snail mail. Then in the begining of May I told her I have been having alot of luck here in NYC and that I might bit be moving with her right away because I have to settle some things here.

She totally goes balistic and says she needs time to think and will contact me on the weekend. I was thinking to myself wtf why the weekend and why is she making these rules.

So when we talk again she says she does not feel the same for me and thinks we should seperate but still be married for the benefits. Oh I forgot to mention she has curled up in a fetal position telling her superiors "I want to die" she has always spoken of suicide just for the record and mentioned it atleast once every 2 months.

Then she still calls me to say goodnight and texts me all the time asking what I am doing. I then find an email of some 19 year old marins who says in his writings "I cant wait to hold you and be with you forever!"

I told her I found this and she said "well if I have feelings for someone else then you are obviously not the one for me".

Then she goes on vacation to DC and calls me and texts me and calls me "My love" "I love you" and random pet names.

Finally I see her last week and she is texting somebody else while talking to me and not even giving me the time of day. She is poking me and caressing my arm calling me "babe" .

I asked her what all the texts are about and she says its just a habit and she still wants to stay in contact with me. I asked her if there was someone else and she said she speaks to the 19 year old often they are just friends now but he makes her feel different.
(when in an earlier email to me she says he wasnt an issue and it was more one sided)

And she says when we were breaking up he was there for her etc.

She cries and we seperate all our things from storage. She took all of our many house warming gifts including blankets and kitchenware that we both loved. Even stuffed animals we had in various places around the house. I really did not want any of that crap that reminded me of her. I even told her to throw away our old photo albums and she cried and said "It makes me more sad that you say that then actually breaking up with you"

So ontop of being very disrespectful to me by texting the whole time she calls me about 7 times and texts me even more asking me if I got home ok from meeting with her earlier that day. Infact the whole time she was here she was calling me at night to make sure I was ok and she even sounded like my wife on the phone.

Last day she was here she said "i hope you find someone else now you can share your life with them" she hugs me goodbye and I say I would do anything for you, and she replies"I wish you would have last summer before I signed the Navy""I did not want to get married and I never will again".

She said"keep in contact email me or something"

Proudly I did not contact her at all, to this day its a week and a half. Then last Saturday she texts me "Hi" twice then calls me then texts me "I know we left on weird terms but I still want to communicate with you" I did not write back.

So then 2 days after that she starts texting me "goodmorning" and "goodnight" I have never contacted her at all and it just seems sick and twisted to me that she is texting me first thing when she wakes up and first thing before bed.

Its haunting me, last night was the first time she didnt text me in a week.

What do you guys think? This is pretty hard for me and I do not know why. I have been disrespected and abused but I dont know when to stop. It kills me not to text her back.

My friends and family are very happy that we are getting divorced by the way.

Anybody have similar situations?

 

[yuppaz]

do a search for borderline or BPD in the mature man's section - my story is in there....sounds really f*cking familiar man...... stay the f*ck away, no contact period...read the forums

 

[Cinamon]

That's harsh she seems like an attention seeker. You hVe to be really stto g and not let her crawl back into your life or she will cause trouble for you.

 

[sadonomspa]

she is constantly leaving me when I would need her most. Shes would always blame me and then the last 2 weeks she wanted to talk in person then when I wanted to talk to her she didnt want too because she was too tired and then said we spoke about everything we needed to on AIM, when he last words to me on aim were "i'd rather speak in person"

Regardless I am hurt but if I look outside of the situation without a biase I have to say she is getting worst and the navy isnt helping

 

[sadonomspa]

also we passed by an old spot we use to eat at and I told her all the same funny people work there and she said "is that where you take your new girlfriend" I did not know how to respond so I didnt then she said "guess that means yes"

 

[Captain]

I have been reading up on as much BPD posts on here as I can. I am going thru a really rough patch but I guess its good to rant and get it out here.

Golden rule: do not treat BPD women any different to how you treat a normal woman. They don't deserve special treatment.

I felt so bad I wrote her a nice letter a day later asking for her back into my life. A week later we got together and the rest was history.

Don't do something like this again, it's not a very strong thing to do.

I stopped trusting her when I found emails she would write to her f**k buddy out in LA. They would always flirt and it pissed me off.

Her first major bubble exploded when we were going to a party and she just all of a sudden got really quite and then started crying and then started yelling for no reason.

Why are you putting up with this?

Last summer I lost my business, she said she "fell out of love with me" and decided to join the Navy. As she was getting sworn in she calls me and said "I made a mistake I really do love you lets talk later" so before bootcamp I take her back. Even though I was all set on her leaving me because who the hell joins the Navy at 28 when they already have an established life with someone. Whoa she really must hate me.

WHY ARE YOU PUTTING UP WITH THIS?

After we get married I manage to visit her every month where she is stationed for extended weekends. So from January to May I am doing this.

I find emails she puts in a journal she has online and does not know that I know about it. She was basicaly writing her old f**k buddy from LA about how hot he looks in his new pictures and emphasising "hot" all the time!

You you were barely ever seeing her, all the while she was flirting with other men over the net?

I approach her and ask if she has anything to tell me or if she wants a get out of jail free card. She ends up sending me a long email about how she loves me and does not resent anything!

She controls you.

So when we talk again she says she does not feel the same for me and thinks we should seperate but still be married for the benefits. Oh I forgot to mention she has curled up in a fetal position telling her superiors "I want to die" she has always spoken of suicide just for the record and mentioned it atleast once every 2 months.

Div-orce.

Then she still calls me to say goodnight and texts me all the time asking what I am doing. I then find an email of some 19 year old marins who says in his writings "I cant wait to hold you and be with you forever!

I told her I found this and she said "well if I have feelings for someone else then you are obviously not the one for me".

Then she goes on vacation to DC and calls me and texts me and calls me "My love" "I love you" and random pet names.

She is controlling you. She does not respect you at all. You are putting up with this terrible behaviour from her.

Its haunting me, last night was the first time she didnt text me in a week.

What do you guys think? This is pretty hard for me and I do not know why. I have been disrespected and abused but I dont know when to stop. It kills me not to text her back.

Get out and meet some other women.

 

[sadonomspa]

thanks guys....so no contact is good?

She just texted me now asking me if I had pictures of her in bootcamp...she is lame..now she is resorting to questions probably to see if I will answer

 

[rushing dude 123]

Soon after I developed pains in my chest and back that would not leave me for 3 years.(yea major warning sign my body even hated her)

Dam man i had that has well i know how it feels like, just reading this post brought them back briefly lol. I feel it is has if ur body rejects her because deep down u know its not going to work out and your wasting both her time and ur time. I know it seems hard man but i feel i can relate to u the most.

From reading ur post and on how the first time u met her. I feel u feel sorry for girls and u just b with them to make them happy when ur not happy. U break it off because u know its wrong and u see them unhappy, so to make them happy u go back to them, then they are happy and ur happy for a small while till u realise what u done again. Cycle continues.

I had something similar, but i snapped myself to my senses and it was hard, but if u look at things honestly. Would u want to b with a girl who didn't really wanna b with u?, u r doing the same to her and it is unfair to the both of u.

Now if this is how u feel, i may b wrong, but u should have a look inside ur self and see what u really want. It is usually the first answer, u should not b considering to b with a girl in my opinion. because i feel if u love someone u should b 100% sure and not have to have long ass fights in ur head which side is right.

 

[sadonomspa]

thanks for the input. Yea the pains left me after i went into intense therapy once a week sometimes twice.

When she broke up with me all the time I felt I could breath better and my lungs werent so constricted. But either she would come back or if I didnt she would accuse my family of telling me "things " and then I would be back.

Today I went out with some buddys and it was like she never existed. She has not texted me today and I wouldnt respond anyway. But it was refreshing. I saw so many women today in Philly and relized they cant all be nuts.

What a horrible way to start a real relationship with the person I did.

But honestly I am not jaded by women or marriage I just understand now that I married a kook.

 

[Bible_Belt]

She has bpd for sure. There is no doubt in my mind.

There was a traumatic abandonment in her early childhood. All she can do to cope with it is structure her life so as to re-experience abandonment over and over.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=161786

The essence of the personality disorder is a fixation upon re-experiencing a traumatic childhood abandonment episode. They will always pick men with whom a successful LTR is not possible, and if one happens they will sabotage it. There is not any real chance of ever having a lasting relationship, because that does not fill their need to experience abandonment.


My ex-wife's sister had the disorder, so I knew a lot about it before I ever met my bpd girl. I have known my bpd ex for over ten years, and during these years I have always been able to analyze her behavior through the frame of knowing her personality disorder.

I can tell you that bpd is what controls her life - she is not really the one making the decisions what to do and say. If you were to visit an insane asylum and a crazy guy in a padded room looked out at you and screamed some vicious insults, would you be offended? You wouldn't because you'd know he was crazy. BPD girls are just as crazy, but they hide it well through intelligence, charisma, and sexuality. When you understand that she really is nuts, then you can begin to develop the emotional detachment that is the key to dealing with bpd.

 

[sadonomspa]

I mean what made my really look into her like this was when we last saw each other and passed by our old place to eat I told her all the old crew works there still and she replied "how do you know is that where you take your new gf" I did not reply and she said "guess that means yes"

And also the last time I spoke to her I said "I wish I could abandon my feelings for you" and she said "Is that what you really want" and I asked her why did she say that and she ws like "I dont know".

Yesterday I went on a trip to Phili with some of my boys and none of them ever liked her. They thought she was crazy. But they said dont be surprised if she comes and twists everything she says to the point where it makes her look good.

I told them she said "I hope you find someone else to spend your life with". Basically to a crazy girl this can mean many different things.

And yes she was abadoned by her parents. Her mom hated her and always called her a little actress. My wife would tell me that the parents would buy her brother all new clothes and things and she would get stuck with nothing.(no I might doubt this because of what I have learned about this disorder)

But her dad died of a heart attack 5 years ago and her mother is diagnosed manic depressive and has to take prozac for ever.

The brother is a heavy drinker and at cetains times nither of them have regard when it comes to drunk driving.

 

[The Muscle Guy]

Hey guys,

I have been reading up on as much BPD posts on here as I can. I am going thru a really rough patch but I guess its good to rant and get it out here.

I met my wife 5 years ago, we met via mutual friends in a club. I started dating her and I felt like she wanted to have sex rather quickly. I mean I would hold out much longer but she kept nagging me about it and saying "so you wanna do it"

Regardless when we finally did it I felt dirty and wrong, we did it one more time and I broke up with her. She was also becoming increasingly clingy and it was turning me off.
We only dated 2 months.

I stopped reading after this part. You must be a woman.

Every woman I boned, I boned within 3 dates. You felt dirty and wrong? What the f...

 

[Solon]

BPD isn't easy to deal with from either side of the equation. I have an X that has it, and some of the bs you went through is similar. All in all though there really isn't anything you can do but tell her to get help, and tell her to possibly get on something to straighten out her brain chemistry. Most bpd sufferers have an imbalance. Being on anti depressants can in many cases give them a better chance to work through some of the issues. It doesn't fix them, just gives them better legs to stand on so to speak.

It sucks to be callous about someone going through hell within their own head, but honestly if she doesn't fix this herself (or at least get some type of hold on it) it won't work. If someone was there always helping she would just become dependent, and probably in turn resent the person she is dependent on later. Which is what happened to me lol.

So the best I can say... is you are in a better place without her (even if your single for a long long time), and hopefully one day she can be in a better place...but it has to be by her own doing.

 

[sadonomspa]

Yea well when I lost my business I guess she felt like she could not be dependent on me anymore...

I mean I do not want to sound like a **** but should I just actively try to pursue other women? I do not know at what point. I feel an ache in my heart over her.

 

[Solon]

I mean I do not want to sound like a **** but should I just actively try to pursue other women? I do not know at what point. I feel an ache in my heart over her.

No one can answer that one but yourself. If you feel the need to go after other women so be it. If you feel like taking some time off from all the noise and just focus on yourself that's your choice as well. Personally I wouldn't pursue another woman if it wasn't what I really wanted to do.

 

[sadonomspa]

I mean this is my first "real" relationship I mean long term and serious. Its such a total mind f**k because I can see this woman and she will act differently everytime I approach her and if I tell her what she is doing in terms of caressing my arm or even picking lint off my shirt she will just say "ohh its habit I dont want you to think I am doing anything else or trying to make you think otherwise".

These people are sick and I am just waiting for the switch to go off in my head and say "Dude this girl is whacked why are you so co-dependent on misery"

Because all I can do is think of the good times and all she can think about are the bad times. Thats why I gave her all the love letters she wrote me just a few days she broke up with me because I cannot look at that stuff.

My friend Mark went thru the same thing but actually got the girl back 8 months later. He told me it wasnt all he thought it was when he finally gor his ex back.
I remember he went thru everything I am going thru and I just thought to myself just dump the girl she is no good.
Now I have to listen to my own words and its extremely hard.
So far I have done no contact for 10 days. Despite her failed attempts

 

[Solon]

it does suck when your getting over that attachment, but unless you want to keep repeating the process you need to come to terms with what your feeling.

Personally I used the good old fashioned "F&%# it!" and just hung out with some friends, and did things I wanted to do. I got things moving even better in my life, and didn't look back. Because behind me was the pain and bs I dealt with being with her. Sure there were good times, but the bad was more prevalent. I learned from it, and moved on to better things. That was my choice though. Inevitably it always comes down to it being your choice to do so.

 

[Bible_Belt]

should I just actively try to pursue other women?


well duh.

fwiw, one trait of bpds is that they are able to completely disassociate from someone, even a spouse, simply by not being around them at a particular moment. That is part of what makes it so easy for them to cheat, which they all inevitably do.

She will really not take it personally when you start seeing other women. She actually wants that on a subconscious level. An ideal relationship for a bpd girl is to be the "other woman," your mistress on the side. That was the only way that my bpd girl and I ever got along. They need to love a man they can't really have, so you need to never completely give yourself to them.

 

[sadonomspa]

well she said she wanted me to see someone else and hope that I will some day.

I really just have to come to terms with her having a sickness and not actually her by herself.

When I think I am doing good like yesterday was a great day for me. Usually the next day is twice as worst because I feel like iam over compensatiiong for the day I did not think about her.

Also I wanted to ask you guys, since she went to bootcamp I feel like I have inherited her traits.

I mean Iam thinking and acting just like her last summer which is so f-in wierd. Things that got to her that didnt bother me are now starting to bother me.

Does this make sense? I sort of want to join the Navy now to get the heck away from it all.

 

[MattS]

Yea Ive been there like you and still are there. Ive been with the nut job for a total of 3 years. Dated for 2 years lived together for 1 of those years. No contact for 2 years basically then we got in contact again and have been together for a year and now live together.
She is fvcked up, lies, disrespectful, always wants to break up etc. Its ridiculous. I care about her but Im getting drained right now. She is night and day and we fight cause she is just plain old stupid.
Everytime she wants to break up I say go ahead. We are trapped in a lease so i gotta see her everyday. She comes home b1tichin, crying, a good 90 percent of the time. None of my friends like her and always tell me to get rid of her. Her friends are pieces of sh1t and think they are the sh1t when theyre not and give her advice. Im like good listen to your friend whos married to a dude who has no education and makes 8 dollars an hour flipping burgers or your 40 yr old AW friend who is good looking but never has been married and does coke every weekened and hangs out with 20 something yr old drug dealers. Way to chose them.

I dont know what to do our lease ends in dec so 3 months from now. I sometimes try to make things good but she choses to chill with her fvcked up friend instead. I do so much for her and she just takes and takes and doesn't give back. Atleast she admits shes selfish and fvcked up in the head I guess. LOL