Buddha_Mind
Master Don Juan
[PART 1 / 2]
Gentleman,
I had written a post and my login timed out, etc, lost the dam.n thing but I really have been dealing with a few "big" life issues here recently that could really affect my future and I was wondering if some of you whom know me, etc wouldn't mind lending a perspective--I wouldn't post this personal sh!t if I didn't think some of you provide real value in your responses. Some of these things too are hard to talk about with my friends in this area, because it is so personal, and sort of a weird-discussion all-around.
But if you've got a moment, this post may be slightly lengthy, but I would appreciate your feedback and maybe help me clarify the decisions I am going to make.
Story, as damn abridged as I can (for you Colossus, as I said I'd try to say more with less) : //edit -- Colossus -- this is still kinda long but man I swear I've tried to keep it right on point::
Okay, whew, here we go (please keep in mind this is some personal sh!t that is deep in my mind):
I was a fat kid. Not always. But right around maybe age 10ish, I started packing on the pounds. I don't know if it was a shift in my diet then, or something coupled by genetics (my aunt is a big woman), but I steadily started putting on weight from around age 10-17. Really I got the heaviest towards the end, age 16 & 17. I remember one day looking at myself in the mirror, and genuinely, truly, was dissatisfied with who I was. Like, 'damn son how how how did you get this way?'.
I was 260lbs at that point. 17 years old.
Well, same year I met some new friends, they were exciting, I think at that time I was really looking for something new, different perspectives, because I was truly, miserable with myself.
One of these dudes was into running and lost a great deal of weight himself--you know a testament of boom this is possible, this dude changed himself--I asked my new buddy (and buddy still 10 years later) about everything he knew -- what to eat, what to do, etc, etc, give me the recipe as to how you did it, I said.
//Let's keep it short for Colossus and everyone else (I am tempted to get deeper but must resist):
So I start running, at night, and start eating healthy as I can. I make it my sole heavy-big-time-uber-this-is-everything sort of focus. 12 months later I'm down 110lbs, weighing in around 150lb. Skinny. Really -- drastic change. Looked and felt like an entirely different human being. I thought man, for sure, at this weight, I will be stoked about my body. This is age 18 -- 9 years ago from where I am today.
There was a lot of readjustment in a new self-image...lots of good things...I mean much greater life-happiness and feeling to life (at the time) than I can really communicate..
But the satisfaction -- no -- something kept taking away that victory, that immense drive it took to commit (and still commit 10 years later) to getting my ass to exercise, no excuses. To eat good body foods, no excuses. And that dudes is the sensitive issue for me of: loose skin. I'm not talking flubber folds like some 300lb dinosaur who dropped down. I'm talking loose skin around the abdomen, I see it around my thighs slightly, my stomach itself, and I developed some small amount of breast tissue during puberty (I know this had something to do with being overweight and likely a testosterone/estrogen imbalance). Totally bummed you know, a year (at the time) and more of constant hard work, countless miles, at age 18, finally thin, but this dam.n loose skin.
I thought at the time, dude this is how it is -- you were fat, you were unaware of food, you did this to yourself, you were naieve and unknowing yes, but you did it -- these are your scars -- live with it.
And I did. For years, until about age 22ish, 23, or so, I stayed around 160lb, keeping my workout regimin. Getting into things like yoga and other things. Exploring fitness all around I suppose--biking, that sort of sh!t. Really started doing a lot more hiking, camping, stepped it up 10-fold.
I had a gf for awhile, I was with a few different girls for a short while. But my skin -- always always always -- made me self-concious as hell, was a total mental road-block, "when we get physical how do I tell her", that sort of thing. Stifled me with women dudes, no joke, just like a sort of demon in the mind knowing once you get all naked your going to get self-conscious about that damn.ed ****ing loose skin and minor breast tissue.
Well, age 23 I said fvck this sh!t, I'm going to replace this skin with muscle. So I started lifting and climbing and lifting and climbing and trying to build the size of my muscles and it was good. I gained about 25lbs of solid muscle mass, and got up to around 175-180lbs.
But the loose skin--the chest--still there.
I was with a few girls. I made the decision to keep my mouth shut about the whole I was a fatty thing and I care a lot about fitness and I hate my loose skin sh!t and go with the punches. Most chicks didn't notice until I eventually said something about my past. (it was a big deal to me at the time, the self-change I went through).
From age 23-26 stayed pretty much at that 175lb - 180lb range. I didn't backslide. Super skinny buddha_mind was dead forever. Fatty buddha_mind was a former self, a dead distant image of someone who was vaguely familiar to the present-version of my 'self'.
Now rewind 6 months. I get dumped--bad relationship--arguing arguing--she was so s3xy I was addicted--didn't matter we drove each other nuts--well now I'm in the midwest, broken relationship (I really did love her), feeling like a douche, backstepped on my job a bit to be with her--I was going mad being an outdoor educator vagrant moving and moving and moving....I wanted to be with her...be less of a rambler...
Well I get dumped and decide--dude, you've lost sight man, get it together, time to change and become version 2.0 of yourself. buddha_mind version 2.0 in the making began.
So I started job hunting to get the hell back to the mountains. I got a job in the middle of nowhere, where I wanted to be, near mountains and nature (but ironically I am working on computers now and thats another issue entirely I will not bring up in this thread).
But I started pumping iron harder than before. Taking pre-workout mix, post-workout nice protein dose, vitamins every day (quality vitamins), fish oil, hitting my weight 180lbs in protein grams per day -- 180g. Logging foods.
Meanwhile I am building a business from nothing. Literally with a friend I've known since 13. I am in my head saying, 'dude this is self-progress, you have to be strong, cmon you son of a b!tch any other route you are going to be unhappy'.
Well now 6 months later, I'm 200lbs, 16% body fat after my bulk, going into a cut to get my bodyfat down to 10% or maybe 8 or 9% if I can muster it somehow. Today I squatted the most in my whole life -- 300lbs -- yesterday I benched the most in my life 200lbs and I know that doesn't sound like a lot but man I was plateaued at 135lb for so long, my chest one of my weaker groups, man pushing it just this hard has been tough!
But dudes, I am fvcking at wits end. I still look at myself and see this loose skin. And it holds me back with women, it holds me back with my self-esteem, with my self-worth. I feel sh!tty that no matter how many weights I throw around, no matter how many miles I run, no matter how much I muster in my mind to be strong to push and do the sh!t I know will help lead me to a more actualized life, I feel this breast tissue and folds in my stomach when I sit from this loose skin from the long-dead-man of 10 years ago (age 17).
If I had known then, my 27 year old self, at 200lbs of decently solid muscle (these women around me flip their hair a lot now I see that for sure) I still feel like I can't even take my goddamned shirt off. I meet some sexy woman and deep down this loose skin tears apart my mental self-image security.
Now I'd read through the last years about loose skin. There are some wraps you can do. Some various laser therapies for minor loose skin...and then of course there is surgery...which in my case, I would need.
But these leave scars.
I always thought that I would just accept this. I would just deal with the loose skin as a part of me.
But now, even after nearly reaching my fitness goals the last 6 months I feel as though I won't be happy till I get rid of this sh!t no matter what the cost...because even if I do get to 190lb at 8% body fat, this loose skin will still be just staring me in the face. I am seriously considering the surgery.
(I'm not talking some high-school anorexic chick thinking she's fat...there really is like extra skin just sagging there from what was a fat 17 year old kid...drives me mad!)
If I decided to do the thing it would put me in debt probably for about 4 years with some monthly payments in the $70-$100 range.
There is the potential as my business is growing, that my income may improve and I could pay it off quicker..but right now that's about the bracket.
Gentleman,
I had written a post and my login timed out, etc, lost the dam.n thing but I really have been dealing with a few "big" life issues here recently that could really affect my future and I was wondering if some of you whom know me, etc wouldn't mind lending a perspective--I wouldn't post this personal sh!t if I didn't think some of you provide real value in your responses. Some of these things too are hard to talk about with my friends in this area, because it is so personal, and sort of a weird-discussion all-around.
But if you've got a moment, this post may be slightly lengthy, but I would appreciate your feedback and maybe help me clarify the decisions I am going to make.
Story, as damn abridged as I can (for you Colossus, as I said I'd try to say more with less) : //edit -- Colossus -- this is still kinda long but man I swear I've tried to keep it right on point::
Okay, whew, here we go (please keep in mind this is some personal sh!t that is deep in my mind):
I was a fat kid. Not always. But right around maybe age 10ish, I started packing on the pounds. I don't know if it was a shift in my diet then, or something coupled by genetics (my aunt is a big woman), but I steadily started putting on weight from around age 10-17. Really I got the heaviest towards the end, age 16 & 17. I remember one day looking at myself in the mirror, and genuinely, truly, was dissatisfied with who I was. Like, 'damn son how how how did you get this way?'.
I was 260lbs at that point. 17 years old.
Well, same year I met some new friends, they were exciting, I think at that time I was really looking for something new, different perspectives, because I was truly, miserable with myself.
One of these dudes was into running and lost a great deal of weight himself--you know a testament of boom this is possible, this dude changed himself--I asked my new buddy (and buddy still 10 years later) about everything he knew -- what to eat, what to do, etc, etc, give me the recipe as to how you did it, I said.
//Let's keep it short for Colossus and everyone else (I am tempted to get deeper but must resist):
So I start running, at night, and start eating healthy as I can. I make it my sole heavy-big-time-uber-this-is-everything sort of focus. 12 months later I'm down 110lbs, weighing in around 150lb. Skinny. Really -- drastic change. Looked and felt like an entirely different human being. I thought man, for sure, at this weight, I will be stoked about my body. This is age 18 -- 9 years ago from where I am today.
There was a lot of readjustment in a new self-image...lots of good things...I mean much greater life-happiness and feeling to life (at the time) than I can really communicate..
But the satisfaction -- no -- something kept taking away that victory, that immense drive it took to commit (and still commit 10 years later) to getting my ass to exercise, no excuses. To eat good body foods, no excuses. And that dudes is the sensitive issue for me of: loose skin. I'm not talking flubber folds like some 300lb dinosaur who dropped down. I'm talking loose skin around the abdomen, I see it around my thighs slightly, my stomach itself, and I developed some small amount of breast tissue during puberty (I know this had something to do with being overweight and likely a testosterone/estrogen imbalance). Totally bummed you know, a year (at the time) and more of constant hard work, countless miles, at age 18, finally thin, but this dam.n loose skin.
I thought at the time, dude this is how it is -- you were fat, you were unaware of food, you did this to yourself, you were naieve and unknowing yes, but you did it -- these are your scars -- live with it.
And I did. For years, until about age 22ish, 23, or so, I stayed around 160lb, keeping my workout regimin. Getting into things like yoga and other things. Exploring fitness all around I suppose--biking, that sort of sh!t. Really started doing a lot more hiking, camping, stepped it up 10-fold.
I had a gf for awhile, I was with a few different girls for a short while. But my skin -- always always always -- made me self-concious as hell, was a total mental road-block, "when we get physical how do I tell her", that sort of thing. Stifled me with women dudes, no joke, just like a sort of demon in the mind knowing once you get all naked your going to get self-conscious about that damn.ed ****ing loose skin and minor breast tissue.
Well, age 23 I said fvck this sh!t, I'm going to replace this skin with muscle. So I started lifting and climbing and lifting and climbing and trying to build the size of my muscles and it was good. I gained about 25lbs of solid muscle mass, and got up to around 175-180lbs.
But the loose skin--the chest--still there.
I was with a few girls. I made the decision to keep my mouth shut about the whole I was a fatty thing and I care a lot about fitness and I hate my loose skin sh!t and go with the punches. Most chicks didn't notice until I eventually said something about my past. (it was a big deal to me at the time, the self-change I went through).
From age 23-26 stayed pretty much at that 175lb - 180lb range. I didn't backslide. Super skinny buddha_mind was dead forever. Fatty buddha_mind was a former self, a dead distant image of someone who was vaguely familiar to the present-version of my 'self'.
Now rewind 6 months. I get dumped--bad relationship--arguing arguing--she was so s3xy I was addicted--didn't matter we drove each other nuts--well now I'm in the midwest, broken relationship (I really did love her), feeling like a douche, backstepped on my job a bit to be with her--I was going mad being an outdoor educator vagrant moving and moving and moving....I wanted to be with her...be less of a rambler...
Well I get dumped and decide--dude, you've lost sight man, get it together, time to change and become version 2.0 of yourself. buddha_mind version 2.0 in the making began.
So I started job hunting to get the hell back to the mountains. I got a job in the middle of nowhere, where I wanted to be, near mountains and nature (but ironically I am working on computers now and thats another issue entirely I will not bring up in this thread).
But I started pumping iron harder than before. Taking pre-workout mix, post-workout nice protein dose, vitamins every day (quality vitamins), fish oil, hitting my weight 180lbs in protein grams per day -- 180g. Logging foods.
Meanwhile I am building a business from nothing. Literally with a friend I've known since 13. I am in my head saying, 'dude this is self-progress, you have to be strong, cmon you son of a b!tch any other route you are going to be unhappy'.
Well now 6 months later, I'm 200lbs, 16% body fat after my bulk, going into a cut to get my bodyfat down to 10% or maybe 8 or 9% if I can muster it somehow. Today I squatted the most in my whole life -- 300lbs -- yesterday I benched the most in my life 200lbs and I know that doesn't sound like a lot but man I was plateaued at 135lb for so long, my chest one of my weaker groups, man pushing it just this hard has been tough!
But dudes, I am fvcking at wits end. I still look at myself and see this loose skin. And it holds me back with women, it holds me back with my self-esteem, with my self-worth. I feel sh!tty that no matter how many weights I throw around, no matter how many miles I run, no matter how much I muster in my mind to be strong to push and do the sh!t I know will help lead me to a more actualized life, I feel this breast tissue and folds in my stomach when I sit from this loose skin from the long-dead-man of 10 years ago (age 17).
If I had known then, my 27 year old self, at 200lbs of decently solid muscle (these women around me flip their hair a lot now I see that for sure) I still feel like I can't even take my goddamned shirt off. I meet some sexy woman and deep down this loose skin tears apart my mental self-image security.
Now I'd read through the last years about loose skin. There are some wraps you can do. Some various laser therapies for minor loose skin...and then of course there is surgery...which in my case, I would need.
But these leave scars.
I always thought that I would just accept this. I would just deal with the loose skin as a part of me.
But now, even after nearly reaching my fitness goals the last 6 months I feel as though I won't be happy till I get rid of this sh!t no matter what the cost...because even if I do get to 190lb at 8% body fat, this loose skin will still be just staring me in the face. I am seriously considering the surgery.
(I'm not talking some high-school anorexic chick thinking she's fat...there really is like extra skin just sagging there from what was a fat 17 year old kid...drives me mad!)
If I decided to do the thing it would put me in debt probably for about 4 years with some monthly payments in the $70-$100 range.
There is the potential as my business is growing, that my income may improve and I could pay it off quicker..but right now that's about the bracket.
