Blindside Dumped 2x WTH

[L16]

Met A Oct 2016 and immediately felt something I never have and I’ve dated and been with a lot of women. She’s a modern dancer and Pilates instructor. I work in finance on a trading desk. A happens to be my best friends girlfriends sister. I live with my best friend and A lives with her sister. Yes it’s a complicated dynamic.

She had a bf at the time, a month after they broke up A and I slept together for the first time. My roommate didn’t want it to continue and her sister told A she couldn’t date me. Every time we saw each other there was intense chemistry. 5 months later she’s “hooking up” w/ some kid and we end up sleeping together and both admit there’s something between us and want to date. Roommate and gf break up that week and we agree that we can’t see each other. A month later they’re back together so A and I start talking again, see each other, make plans to hang out. Apparently she’s been seeing somebody from out of town for a month or so, she cancels plans on me. About 2 weeks later she dumps him and hits me up, we start dating. We date for 3 months, very intensely. No official talks or anything but going on dates and sleeping at each other’s places 3-4 times a week. I’m under the impression she is crazy in love with me and we’re about to get serious. She goes away on a family trip, everything seems great, she comes back, we hang out a few times and less than a week later she blindside dumps me saying she’s not ready for a serious relationship and we’re in different places in life and she’s not ready to fall in love (she’s 23 turning 24 at the time I’m 27). I’m destroyed by the break up.

After this the following events take place: We sleep together 2 months later 2 weekends in a row, she flakes on 2 things with me, I find out she’s hooking up with one of my good friends roommates, she brings some kid she apparently hooked up with on that fam trip (we weren’t exclusive at the time though I thought we were about to be) to a friends party where I am (she winds up calling me the next day apologizing), she starts coming around more and we become “friendly” again and this brings us to this past July.

She’s leaving for a 3 week trip, we sleep together the night before she leaves. I think it’s just a one time thing and plan to use the 3 weeks to try and really get over her bc to that point I had not moved on. To my surprise while she’s in Italy she begins texting me and we start talking. She gets back and we start hooking up again pretty much every week for the next 2 months. During this time she’s telling my best friend she’s not ready for a relationship but likes me likes hanging out with me etc. after 2 months of this everything changes and she says she wants to be with me. “You’re special to me, being away from you made me realize I want to be with you, I’ve been an idiot, I’m done being scared, you make me happy, you’re the only one I want and will be exclusive to you and give you my whole heart and when you’re ready you can give me yours (I told her I want to give it a shot also but she’d have to prove herself and get my trust back after everything that had happened)” are things she said.

We started dating again. Again very intensely off the bat. Quickly she introduces me to her whole family. Talks of future plans like trips and owning a dog together. Everything seems amazing once again. She tells me she loves me first. Eventually I tell her I love her too a few weeks later. We have a few small fights this time due to some of my trust issues with her so it’s not all perfect but I was working on it and she was doing her best to help as well. I’m under the impression everything is great though, we love each other and that’s only growing stronger, we have a whole future coming to us. She invites me on her families vacation. I’m very happy, the girl I’ve been wanting back is telling me she loves me and pushing the pace of the relationship. I’d say about 4 or 5 days into the 7 day trip she starts acting weird, distant, I ask her whats wrong and she says everything is fine, eventually snapping at me at dinner our last night (I tell her not to snap at me), something is seriously off so I try to give her space.

2 days after we get back she breaks up with me. Reasons she gave:

• She said it all started about 3 weeks before this, we woke up together, she was getting ready to leave, I kissed her cheek, and she started doubting or being unsure. She pushed them aside and felt better about everything and then they came back on vacation
• said I deserve somebody who loves me as much as I love her
• loves me but isn’t in love with me and really wants to be (Dont understand how she can say this and have looked at me the way she did, smile/laugh the way she did, show the affection she did, say the things she did. What girl is texting her bf at 1am on a Tuesday night just to tell him how much she loves him if shes not in love with him)
• I love her too much
• we see the future differently (which I said we’ve barely spoken about that) so she changed it to we want different things because were different people, that she’s more free spirited and wild and spontaneous and I’m more planned and organized and like to plan my fun
• said I hold her down (I said I’ve never once stopped you from doing anything you’ve wanted to do) she said whenever I want to do something I feel like I have to see if you can do it too then said that didn’t come out right
• said I base too many decisions on her decisions
• said I only do things she wants to do then said but then again you’re so easy going you’d always do something I want to do but she doesn’t want that for me
• said that I did things for her that made her think “don’t do that for me”
• said she’s unhappy sometimes (which kills/confuses me because she always seemed extremely happy when with me)
• that we were falling into the relationship at diff rates
• when I said let’s take some space and talk about these things that she’s never once mentioned anything to me about what’s bothering her making her unhappy she said what’s the point these feelings will just come back and there’s nothing I can do
• Said sometimes she felt contained and didn't want to feel contained (no idea what made her feel contained since she went and did whatever she wanted whenever)

I am so beyond confused. I know things were not perfect but it felt like we were in love with each other with so much to come that we were both excited about, that we had a connection and out of nowhere this is what happened after everything. No difficult conversations of her telling me things that are bothering her or making her unhappy. Feel like somehow I ****ed it all up.

What the hell could have happened? I don’t get how we can be on such drastically different pages and me have no idea? I don’t know if she’s not a good person (my roommates tells me she always breaks guys hearts), if she’s just too young and immature for a real relationship with me (she just turned 25 and I turned 29), or if we’re somehow incompatible? (Though I never felt we were incompatible at all, different types of people yes in some aspects but had a ton in common and really thought we fit great together). Maybe she's a narcissist/has commitment issues/is BPD/unavailable?

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

She might have issues but it sounds like you begin to revolve around the person you love. You should be leading your own exciting life and it should be hard for her to tear you away from that. She should adapt to fit into your awesome life. If you make it too easy for a girl then she feels like you're not worth it simply because it was so easy to get you to drop everything you were doing. It's really counterintuitive when you're coming from a place of lack and need.

Sounds like you were way too available. Pursue your own life and make it awesome. If a woman doesn't want to stick around and make it more awesome that's not your problem. She should be the one having lovey relationship talk and you should be entertaining the idea but considering everything pragmatically. Any googly eyed Disney fantasy you start believing in will turn you into a feminine man and turn her off. Women want a guy that's breaking through his own barriers. They want to work hard for his time and attention, that oozes high value and gets them wet.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

We date for 3 months, very intensely. No official talks or anything but going on dates and sleeping at each other’s places 3-4 times a week.

That's a lot of sleep overs for a 3 month thing. No guy should be so eager to be spending so many nights over that quickly. It is a red flag you may be needy and lack options. I know that sounds harsh, but you shouldn't be won over so quickly.... Think about it, you were investing a lot of your time and becoming quite attached to someone you barely knew at this point and look what happened as a result. After dumping you, it's now that much harder on you to move on due to your attachment.

and less than a week later she blindside dumps me saying she’s not ready for a serious relationship and we’re in different places in life and she’s not ready to fall in love

Based on this, the on again off again history you had with her, and the comments from your friend about her always breaking guys hearts, it sounds like she has an attachment disorder and is a love-bomber (Google it). I dated a girl just like that once. First girl I clicked with after my divorce and it devastated me when she dumped be cold out of then blue. Part of it was mistakes I made, probably similar to the ones you made, but even had I not made those mistakes, she probably would have still ended things.

I’m very happy, the girl I’ve been wanting back is telling me she loves me and pushing the pace of the relationship. I’d say about 4 or 5 days into the 7 day trip she starts acting weird, distant, I ask her whats wrong and she says everything is fine, eventually snapping at me at dinner our last night

Again sounds like an attachment disorder. Same thing I experienced with the girl I mentioned above. Did she have a bad childhood by chance? Did she have low self esteem by chance? These girls can't bond. They go ALL-IN, and make you feel incredible but then something snaps in them that sets off a panic in the deepest primitive region of their brain and once that happens, you are dead to them and they will never look at you with desire again, unless it's just for validation that they could get you back if they wanted to.

I'm also basing this attachment disorder on the excuses/reasons she gave you for the breakup. There are hints in there of low self esteem.... You treated her better than she felt she deserved to be treated so instead of looking within to address why she feels that way about herself, she looks at you and feels you must be defective or of low value to treat someone so good who doesn't deserve it. I also read signs of you not being a strong leader.... the type of man she can look to to make decisions and have a better grasp on life, happiness, purpose, and emotions than she does. Women need that in a man or they lose attraction very quickly. And lastly, she felt you were just too into her. You weren't a challenge and were too focused on her. She wants to have to win you over, not the other way around.

Learn from your mistakes but I wouldn't beat yourself up over them with this specific girl because even if you didn't make these mistakes, this particular girl is incapable of bonding. She would have ultimately dumped you anyway so better it happens fast vs after you invest even more into her. But DO learn from your mistakes so you don't repeat them with the next girl you date.

Do not try to get back with her. Please have the dignity and self respect not to do that. She doesn't deserve the validation, it will trash your already wounded self-esteem, she is not LTR material, and again, once a girl with pair bonding issues has labeled you an LTR seeker who she knows is more into her than she is you, you are dead to her. All she may want from you beyond now is validation. It won't be anything more than that.

 

[MrWood]

• said I deserve somebody who loves me as much as I love her
• loves me but isn’t in love with me and really wants to be (Dont understand how she can say this and have looked at me the way she did, smile/laugh the way she did, show the affection she did, say the things she did. What girl is texting her bf at 1am on a Tuesday night just to tell him how much she loves him if shes not in love with him)
• I love her too much
• we see the future differently (which I said we’ve barely spoken about that) so she changed it to we want different things because were different people, that she’s more free spirited and wild and spontaneous and I’m more planned and organized and like to plan my fun
• said I hold her down (I said I’ve never once stopped you from doing anything you’ve wanted to do) she said whenever I want to do something I feel like I have to see if you can do it too then said that didn’t come out right
• said I base too many decisions on her decisions
• said I only do things she wants to do then said but then again you’re so easy going you’d always do something I want to do but she doesn’t want that for me
• said that I did things for her that made her think “don’t do that for me”
• said she’s unhappy sometimes (which kills/confuses me because she always seemed extremely happy when with me)
• that we were falling into the relationship at diff rates
• when I said let’s take some space and talk about these things that she’s never once mentioned anything to me about what’s bothering her making her unhappy she said what’s the point these feelings will just come back and there’s nothing I can do
• Said sometimes she felt contained and didn't want to feel contained (no idea what made her feel contained since she went and did whatever she wanted whenever)

These are legitimate concerns, and she is basically informing that you are a supplicating cuck.

notes for bold:
1. she knows she will break your heart in a LTR, right now
2. you are too invested
3. she wants to date, you want engagement
4,5,6. A woman wants a man to be his own man. She sees you as waiting for her, following her... supplicating. A woman wants a strong man to lead and have his own life. Doing hubby/wife things when you are just lightly dating.
7,8. A woman feels certain things that set her spidey senses on fire that somethings not right.

 

[L16]

She might have issues but it sounds like you begin to revolve around the person you love. You should be leading your own exciting life and it should be hard for her to tear you away from that. She should adapt to fit into your awesome life. If you make it too easy for a girl then she feels like you're not worth it simply because it was so easy to get you to drop everything you were doing. It's really counterintuitive when you're coming from a place of lack and need.

Sounds like you were way too available. Pursue your own life and make it awesome. If a woman doesn't want to stick around and make it more awesome that's not your problem. She should be the one having lovey relationship talk and you should be entertaining the idea but considering everything pragmatically. Any googly eyed Disney fantasy you start believing in will turn you into a feminine man and turn her off. Women want a guy that's breaking through his own barriers. They want to work hard for his time and attention, that oozes high value and gets them wet.

What about my OP tells you I began to revolve around her and too available? Want to learn for next time...

That's a lot of sleep overs for a 3 month thing. No guy should be so eager to be spending so many nights over that quickly. It is a red flag you may be needy and lack options. I know that sounds harsh, but you shouldn't be won over so quickly.... Think about it, you were investing a lot of your time and becoming quite attached to someone you barely knew at this point and look what happened as a result. After dumping you, it's now that much harder on you to move on due to your attachment.

Well we did kind of know each other. We had hooked up a few times before that and hung out in group settings a few other times as well. But yeah it did move kind of fast and I guess I should have controlled the situation a bit better. But this girl acted REALLY into me and wanted to see me the amount we were hanging out and I was honestly really into her so I did what seemed natural and made plans with her.

Based on this, the on again off again history you had with her, and the comments from your friend about her always breaking guys hearts, it sounds like she has an attachment disorder and is a love-bomber (Google it). I dated a girl just like that once. First girl I clicked with after my divorce and it devastated me when she dumped be cold out of then blue. Part of it was mistakes I made, probably similar to the ones you made, but even had I not made those mistakes, she probably would have still ended things.

Again sounds like an attachment disorder. Same thing I experienced with the girl I mentioned above. Did she have a bad childhood by chance? Did she have low self esteem by chance? These girls can't bond. They go ALL-IN, and make you feel incredible but then something snaps in them that sets off a panic in the deepest primitive region of their brain and once that happens, you are dead to them and they will never look at you with desire again, unless it's just for validation that they could get you back if they wanted to.

Well she comes from a very wealthy family, and I think it was right as she was starting HS it came out that her father was having an affair, her mother decided to stay with him. She said she was an ******* throughout HS, but now has forgiven her father and they seem to have a fairly good relationship. Although on the vacation, the dynamic between the mother and father was very weird to me. My father and step mother are very loving and affectionate and seem like best friends, that was not the case or the vibe I got from them.

Low self-esteem? I don't know? She's extremely attractive and gets a ton of attention. and I'm pretty sure she knows it. Whenever we'd be out I'd notice guys checking her out, a couple of times guys would come up to talk to her. She seems pretty damn confident and sure of herself though. Her Instagram though is almost all pictures of herself though, including some "thirst trap" posts. And she did tell me she used to struggle with maybe not an eating disorder but an issue with food and still does sometimes even though she's extremely fit. When getting back together she said something like she always feels like such a weirdo but with me she feels so comfortable she can really be herself.

I'm also basing this attachment disorder on the excuses/reasons she gave you for the breakup. There are hints in there of low self esteem.... You treated her better than she felt she deserved to be treated so instead of looking within to address why she feels that way about herself, she looks at you and feels you must be defective or of low value to treat someone so good who doesn't deserve it. I also read signs of you not being a strong leader.... the type of man she can look to to make decisions and have a better grasp on life, happiness, purpose, and emotions than she does. Women need that in a man or they lose attraction very quickly. And lastly, she felt you were just too into her. You weren't a challenge and were too focused on her. She wants to have to win you over, not the other way around.

What excuses/reasons point to attachment disorder/low self-esteem? And I know some of that stuff would indicate I wasn't a strong leader but I literally planned like 90% of the things we would do together, and lead in all the small ways as well. Sure I'd ask her what she wants for dinner or wants to drink or wants to do and sometimes I truly didn't care and was fine with what she wanted. There were also a bunch of times she wanted to do something and I said I didn't want to so it's not like just because she said so we did it. On the vacation, yea I took a bit of a following role. It was her family's vacation, I had only met her parents once or twice before, I was a guest and wanted to be respectful and fit into their typical family vacation dynamic, and I think I also subconsciously was picking up on her distancing herself from me before it became evident and that put me on the defensive a bit.

The whole attachment disorder and love bombing thing does resonate. I'm not sure it's textbook love bombing because some of the stuff that I read is typical was really over the top but she was extremely affectionate and said a lot of things that made me think she was totally in love with me and it definitely sucked me in. Made me think wow this girl is crazy about me and lead to me dropping my guard more quickly thinking there's no way she's going anywhere acting like this unless I REALLY **** up. I think something that trips me up with the attachment disorder is she's had multiple long-term relationships, yes two of them were in HS, and the more recent one was 3 years in college (1 of which she lived with him) so I guess those are almost proof to me she's capable of maintaining a LTR?

 

[MrWood]

What about my OP tells you I began to revolve around her and too available? Want to learn for next time...

• said I base too many decisions on her decisions
• said I only do things she wants to do then said but then again you’re so easy going you’d always do something I want to do but she doesn’t want that for me
• said that I did things for her that made her think “don’t do that for me”

you provided your own answers.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

But this girl acted REALLY into me and wanted to see me the amount we were hanging out and I was honestly really into her so I did what seemed natural and made plans with her.

While it feels natural to do that, my experience has taught me that it's the wrong thing to do for several reasons. A girl's nature is to want you all the time. As soon as she gets that, she becomes bored an frustrated. It's cat string theory. No matter how into you she is, you can't give her 100% of what she wants in terms of your time and attention. The way to achieve that is not to try to hold back deliberately, but to have a very busy and exciting life filled with so many awesome things and opportunities that you don't have time to give her 100% of you, and you deliberately make it a point not to out your own life on hold in order to meet all her attention demands.

What excuses/reasons point to attachment disorder/low self-esteem?

Nearly all of it.

I notice you respond with counter-points to her reasons, but your points are attempting to use logic and reason in response to her points which are purely emotional. Her points are very solid examples of girl speak... Nearly textbook lines that point to some very specific things. You can't rationally emotion by using logic. I'll try to translate for you:

we woke up together, she was getting ready to leave, I kissed her cheek

Attachment disorder. If THIS act you did, a simple display of affection, is what pushed her over the edge and began making her question you, do you see the problem here? You can see this one of two ways: You were too into her and too sweet because of it, or you were just bring authentic in your feelings but because she has attachment disorder, she can't handle someone who has string feelings toward her.

said I deserve somebody who loves me as much as I love her

Same as above. Either she feels you are more into her than she is you or she knows she is incapable of attaching.

loves me but isn’t in love with me and really wants to be

Same as above. She wants to be in love but her attachment issues prevent it.

said I hold her down

This is not a logical argument. This simple means she feels you have needs that she can't meet. She feels pressured by those needs, and that translates to a feeling of smothering and being held down.

said that I did things for her that made her think “don’t do that for me”

Self esteem. She feels she doesn't deserve being treated well.

that we were falling into the relationship at diff rates

Again, you are into her more than she is into you. I know this sucks to hear because SHE is the one who had her foot on the gas. But you have to feel yourself in when girls do this and not let it cloud your understanding that you cannot fall hard and fast for a girl. Well, you can, and sometimes it may work, but most times it won't and you'll end up in this same situation. Just like she thirst traps on IG, some girls love bomb as an unintentional thirst trap. A high value guy with options won't dive in head-first and match her crazy high interest early on. He will want time to become convinced she is who she says she is and her feelings are genuine and not fleeting. He will measure his time and affection accordingly.

Said sometimes she felt contained and didn't want to feel contained

Same as above. Smothering. Too much focus on relationship.

It sounds like you are very relationship oriented. There is nothing wrong with that and eventually you'll find a girl who wants one with you and it will work out. You can move forward like that, understanding that you'll have to go through situations like this again multiple times, or you can learn to be more guarded and measured and patient with your level of investment, and also to pay attention to the small signals and learn to withdraw your time and attention when you sense them from her, them watch her reaction. If it doesn't draw her back then you end it on your terms instead of trying to move forward and getting dumped.

I've been through this a couple times a few years ago and it is what caused me to discover the manosphere. So some good came of it. It's helped me see things for what they are and to better understand what a healthy relationship is and is not. It is not two people looking to eachother to fulfill their needs.... It is about two people who are complete and happy and looking to share in their completeness. If you see it that way, you'll see relationships in a much healthier way.

 

[Glassguy]

I only read the first couple of paragraphs. Anyone that takes the time to type all of that out is too invested.

End of story.

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

What about my OP tells you I began to revolve around her and too available? Want to learn for next time...

You mention nothing about your own endeavors or how her attention seeking pulled you away from something more important to you. You started sleeping over at each others places 3-4 times a week after only three months of dating. You lap up all the fantasies she throws at you like it's the best thing in your life. You make no mention of logically thinking about all of these things and how fast they came up. Your attitude internally should be "is that what I really want out of life? And if I do we'll see if you continue to qualify for such a life with me."

Like @oldmanofthesea is explaining, a girl that is 1000% into you so quickly is playing out a fantasy she has in her mind. She has yet to see all your flaws and limitations. The true test of her word is how she deals with the rough times. It seems that rather than deal with them at all she simply leaves, this is your proof that her words are entirely hollow. Always look at a woman's actions, her words can easily be a form of 'mental masturbation', where she says something because it'll make her feel better in the moment. She is playing to her emotions because she's trying to turn a little bit of pleasure into a lot in a very childish way. Stay pragmatic and logical.

Think about what the ideal leader and father is like. He is not afraid of his emotions and is not ashamed of his limitations, in fact he owns up to them completely. But any decision in his life, especially a major one like choosing a LTR partner is done logically. He knows that his best decisions are made when his mind is calm and rational. Irrational emotional decisions weaken his resolve, and thus make him less reliable, less confident in his decision making abilities, and ultimately a worse leader.

To explain in more relatable terms think about how a good trader operates. He isn't emotional about his trades, he's constantly analyzing them and determining if babysitting them is worth his time. If he has to close a losing trade he isn't salty or sad, it's simply part of the game. When he has profitable trades he enjoys them and let's them run, but as soon as they turn he may have a trailing stop or otherwise be ready to close it and flip, now being short. He's pragmatic, calculative, and ready to decisively change his mind at any moment(from long to short in an instant). He never speaks in absolutes, he's fluid and flexible, yet firm in his execution. Think of your time as trades, invest it wisely and learn from your mistakes. Enjoy the satisfaction of good investments but remember that you're mortal, and that tomorrow may be a loss, always be vigilant.

A novice trader thinks about how much they can make in a trade. A veteran trader thinks about how much they risk, how much they can lose. Emotional fantasy vs realistic risk management.

 

[jaymbrs]

Dude get a ****ing grip. She's a straight toss up. She's a slut who likes being a slut. Of all the guys you know she's hooked up with, multiply that by 3. Seriously. Hell I probably slept with her. How can you be okay with taking a girl like that seriously when it's painfully obvious she's a ho?

 

[L16]

While it feels natural to do that, my experience has taught me that it's the wrong thing to do for several reasons. A girl's nature is to want you all the time. As soon as she gets that, she becomes bored an frustrated. It's cat string theory. No matter how into you she is, you can't give her 100% of what she wants in terms of your time and attention. The way to achieve that is not to try to hold back deliberately, but to have a very busy and exciting life filled with so many awesome things and opportunities that you don't have time to give her 100% of you, and you deliberately make it a point not to out your own life on hold in order to meet all her attention demands.

First of all - I appreciate the lengthy and in-depth advice and translation haha

I see the idea of having such an amazing, packed, interesting life professed a lot. I guess my question, what exactly does that look like in real life? In theory it sounds great, do a bunch of cool stuff that you like and you'll be awesome. But what does that look like in reality when you factor in a job, responsibilities, chores, errands, just life in general?

Attachment disorder. If THIS act you did, a simple display of affection, is what pushed her over the edge and began making her question you, do you see the problem here? You can see this one of two ways: You were too into her and too sweet because of it, or you were just bring authentic in your feelings but because she has attachment disorder, she can't handle someone who has string feelings toward her.



Same as above. Either she feels you are more into her than she is you or she knows she is incapable of attaching.

Same as above. She wants to be in love but her attachment issues prevent it.

Self esteem. She feels she doesn't deserve being treated well.

Again, you are into her more than she is into you. I know this sucks to hear because SHE is the one who had her foot on the gas. But you have to feel yourself in when girls do this and not let it cloud your understanding that you cannot fall hard and fast for a girl. Well, you can, and sometimes it may work, but most times it won't and you'll end up in this same situation. Just like she thirst traps on IG, some girls love bomb as an unintentional thirst trap. A high value guy with options won't dive in head-first and match her crazy high interest early on. He will want time to become convinced she is who she says she is and her feelings are genuine and not fleeting. He will measure his time and affection accordingly.



Same as above. Smothering. Too much focus on relationship.

Are people with attachment disorders able to maintain LTR at all? As I said before, she's had a few long-term boyfriends, although they were in her younger years, so it's like, how did she maintain those and not run away?

Also, when a girl is the one who has the foot on the gas like her, I thought I was acting pretty much to the same level as she was, so I didn't' think there was any issue ya know. This girl is always wanting to see me, telling me she had the best time with me, wrote me this crazy poem, texts me how much she loved me, missed me, couldn't stop thinking about me. So I'm under the impression she is absolutely in love with me and thought I was acting very much in the same way she was and if anything is going wrong it'd have to be something pretty big and/or I would see it coming. Sure I put in some more effort to plan dates and do a couple of nice things for her, but I'm the guy so I was leading the relationship and I don't think I did anything egregious But if a girl is acting like that, how should I have been reacting?

This is not a logical argument. This simple means she feels you have needs that she can't meet. She feels pressured by those needs, and that translates to a feeling of smothering and being held down.

Is it wrong to think a girl that has committed to you would be able to communicate something like this? Even just a "hey babe, we've been spending a lot of time together, I'm feeling a little smothered, I'm gonna do stuff with my friends this week." or whatever. Or should I never expect communication remotely like that?

You mention nothing about your own endeavors or how her attention seeking pulled you away from something more important to you. You started sleeping over at each others places 3-4 times a week after only three months of dating. You lap up all the fantasies she throws at you like it's the best thing in your life. You make no mention of logically thinking about all of these things and how fast they came up. Your attitude internally should be "is that what I really want out of life? And if I do we'll see if you continue to qualify for such a life with me."

Like @oldmanofthesea is explaining, a girl that is 1000% into you so quickly is playing out a fantasy she has in her mind. She has yet to see all your flaws and limitations. The true test of her word is how she deals with the rough times. It seems that rather than deal with them at all she simply leaves, this is your proof that her words are entirely hollow. Always look at a woman's actions, her words can easily be a form of 'mental masturbation', where she says something because it'll make her feel better in the moment. She is playing to her emotions because she's trying to turn a little bit of pleasure into a lot in a very childish way. Stay pragmatic and logical.

I didn't mention any of my endeavors because I figured my OP was long enough and wanted to convey as much about the relationship as possible. At the time I guess I didn't have much going on outside of work and the gym but I very much had my own life. I was often doing things with friends on my own without her. She would do things on her own without me. But since the breakup, I have been trying to add more things into my life like martial arts and music.

I surely did fall for a lot of her words but at the time it seemed to me she was backing them up with actions showing she was serious and committed to the relationship. She introduced me to her entire family when they were in town and I spent 4 or 5 days going to lunches and dinners and going out with them. She introduced me to a bunch of her friends and I'd go out with them sometimes. She invited me to a few of her work events and introduced me to her co-workers. She took me on her family's vacation. Are those not actions to support what I thought was going on? What other types of actions should I be looking for?

Dude get a ****ing grip. She's a straight toss up. She's a slut who likes being a slut. Of all the guys you know she's hooked up with, multiply that by 3. Seriously. Hell I probably slept with her. How can you be okay with taking a girl like that seriously when it's painfully obvious she's a ho?

I guess I looked at her history of having serious boyfriends and thought that's what she preferred. I thought our first break up she was just a young girl in a big city that wanted to be single for a bit and date around and experience things but thought her default was she likes a relationship. I thought she had very strong feelings for me when she came back and so she was done flitting around. Is there anything that tames a girl like this or no matter what you're screwed if you get involved?

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

I see the idea of having such an amazing, packed, interesting life professed a lot. I guess my question, what exactly does that look like in real life? In theory it sounds great, do a bunch of cool stuff that you like and you'll be awesome. But what does that look like in reality when you factor in a job, responsibilities, chores, errands, just life in general?

It's simple. Work for something larger than yourself that you believe in. That naturally breeds life satisfaction and cultivates a giving mindset. People love a person that is passionate about their craft and relentlessly pursues it. Women love playing the game of trying to tear you away and inevitably failing. They'll never say they want to fail, because they think they want to succeed, but as soon as they get you completely they find out it's not what they really want, just like your girl latched on and lost interest once she saw you were so easy. So keep them in everlasting suspense. If they leave then so be it, you are still true to your craft.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

I see the idea of having such an amazing, packed, interesting life professed a lot. I guess my question, what exactly does that look like in real life? In theory it sounds great, do a bunch of cool stuff that you like and you'll be awesome. But what does that look like in reality when you factor in a job, responsibilities, chores, errands, just life in general?

It's different for everyone but here is mine:
I have a ton of friends. On any day of the week, I know I could be with at least one or more friends if I chose to do so. I get invited to do fun things all the time by my friends, and I invite my friends to do fun things as well. I spend time planning out things to do that they would enjoy, and we enjoy together. I workout in the gym. I am an avid runner and attend multiple running clubs as time allows. Great place to meet new friends and women too. I compete in running races. I volunteer at aid stations at races, and also at charity events. I have like four other hobbies too, that I can choose to spend as much or as little time on as I want.

Are people with attachment disorders able to maintain LTR at all? As I said before, she's had a few long-term boyfriends, although they were in her younger years, so it's like, how did she maintain those and not run away?

They can change over time, and they can also have a "type" who plays into their dysfunctions and allows them to stay attracted. A girl who has low self esteem due to a bad childhood is not going to pair well with a guy who treats her like a princess, or even a guy who treats her nice. She will THINK that's what she wants with her logical brain but soon enough she mysteriously loses attraction and starts saying the exact things your ex said to you "You love me too much", "you are too good to me. I don't deserve it." From my observations, if girls like that end up pair bonding, it's with guys who are extremely strong and domineering/controlling and critical of the her. There is an art to doing this and you can't fake it. You can't just be a prick all the time... You have to know when and how much to criticize and keep them on a wild dysfunctional roller-coaster of ups and downs. You also have to see the relationship dynamic of her "serving" you, not as an equal or you serving her. I'm NOT advocating this, merely telling you the kind of guy that a girl like this will usually stick with.

This girl is always wanting to see me, telling me she had the best time with me, wrote me this crazy poem, texts me how much she loved me, missed me, couldn't stop thinking about me.

See that's NOT normal for 3 months. I get that you knew her longer but that doesn't matter. At three months, you are just starting to figure someone out. Not having figured them out so much that you are saying you love them and writing poems. HUGE red flag. Your eagerness for a relationship caused you to overlook that, but it's partly not your fault because women like this know exactly how to play to a guy's weaknesses and make them ignore the res flag because they are so damn convincing.

and thought I was acting very much in the same way she was and if anything is going wrong it'd have to be something pretty big and/or I would see it coming.

Yeah, don't we all. But doesn't it make sense that if she was so quickly and easily convinced you were her soulmate, that she would fall out of love just as quickly? If not, it should.

But if a girl is acting like that, how should I have been reacting?

With a healthy dose of skepticism that this girl is projecting her idealistic fantasy onto you and pretty soon she is going to come to realize you are a real person and thus unable to live up to her idealized fantasy. So you protect yourself the same way you do with ALL women you date, by not matching her insanely fast pace and goo-goo-ga-ga. You go at your own pace and you need to figure out what that looks like, but a hint is: how would you act with a girl you thought was fairly attractive but not necessarily your dream girl... a girl who seemed pretty cool on paper but you think you might be able to do a lot better in terms of both personality compatibility and physical attraction, so you want to keep your options open for now. That's what it looks like. Over time (months), you can slowly accelerate as she proves herself to you.

Is it wrong to think a girl that has committed to you would be able to communicate something like this? Even just a "hey babe, we've been spending a lot of time together, I'm feeling a little smothered, I'm gonna do stuff with my friends this week." or whatever. Or should I never expect communication remotely like that?

Expecting that is one of the most FUNDAMENTAL flaws men have in dating. It is simply not how women communicate. That is how a man communicates. Women communicate covertly and go by feeling instead of logic-driven words and requests. They "feel" smothered so they MIGHT give you a very subtle clue. You have to learn to pick up on these and them react accordingly by withdrawing. It's like a dance and it's hard to learn. It takes a few solid dumpings like this that crush you and allow you to look back with hindsight..... Once you do you suddenly see the signs that were there but you ignored, usually because you either projected your interest on her, or because her love-bombing had you totally brainwashed into thinking things were a 10/10 so you'd have obvious warnings (which is what happened in your case). No, you must ALWAYS remain vigilant for the signs. The more messed up the girl is, the closer you have to pay attention to the signs. You had red flags with this girl... Those are what you should have used to be on your guard and watching.

 

[jaymbrs]

I guess I looked at her history of having serious boyfriends and thought that's what she preferred. I thought our first break up she was just a young girl in a big city that wanted to be single for a bit and date around and experience things but thought her default was she likes a relationship. I thought she had very strong feelings for me when she came back and so she was done flitting around. Is there anything that tames a girl like this or no matter what you're screwed if you get involved?

This is called turning a ho into a housewife. Doesn't happen. She needs to grow out of that phase on her own. But even still why would you want someone like that? That's what I'm not understanding.

 

[L16]

They can change over time, and they can also have a "type" who plays into their dysfunctions and allows them to stay attracted. A girl who has low self esteem due to a bad childhood is not going to pair well with a guy who treats her like a princess, or even a guy who treats her nice. She will THINK that's what she wants with her logical brain but soon enough she mysteriously loses attraction and starts saying the exact things your ex said to you "You love me too much", "you are too good to me. I don't deserve it." From my observations, if girls like that end up pair bonding, it's with guys who are extremely strong and domineering/controlling and critical of the her. There is an art to doing this and you can't fake it. You can't just be a prick all the time... You have to know when and how much to criticize and keep them on a wild dysfunctional roller-coaster of ups and downs. You also have to see the relationship dynamic of her "serving" you, not as an equal or you serving her. I'm NOT advocating this, merely telling you the kind of guy that a girl like this will usually stick with.

Interesting you say girls like this wind up bonding to somebody extremely strong, domineering/controlling because she's a very free spirit that hates to be controlled and is very independent. However, through the grapevine, I have heard she's now seeing that kid from the boat trip that is from the UK and is a skipper most of the year for other people. I read up on attachment stuff and it seems people with avoidant tendencies will get into relationships that they know won't work or something like that. Seems a long distance relationship with a gypsy fits that bill no?

See that's NOT normal for 3 months. I get that you knew her longer but that doesn't matter. At three months, you are just starting to figure someone out. Not having figured them out so much that you are saying you love them and writing poems. HUGE red flag. Your eagerness for a relationship caused you to overlook that, but it's partly not your fault because women like this know exactly how to play to a guy's weaknesses and make them ignore the res flag because they are so damn convincing.

I didn't think it was that crazy because we had known each other a while, we had dated previously and it seemed the reason we broke up was bad timing/her readiness for a relationship, we hooked up several times in between relationships, and then after starting to talk and hang gout again more regularly she was like ok screw it I'm done being scared and an idiot, I want to be with you and I never stopped thinking about you. So it all kind of seemed to line up and make sense and I figured she was finally letting her walls down and these pent up feelings out and that's why everything was so intense...

This is called turning a ho into a housewife. Doesn't happen. She needs to grow out of that phase on her own. But even still why would you want someone like that? That's what I'm not understanding.

I didn't think she was a hoe because of what I knew of her past relationships. I was really asking about the taming thing because a part of me feels badly that I couldn't make her love me enough or desire me enough or however you want to put it, to not want to hoe around and to only want to be with me. I'm sure some of my desire for this girl is also the drive to tame her for lack of a better phrase. A lot of guys want her, she seems hard to pin down, I guess some deep rooted part of me wants to be the one that wins.

 

[MountainSlide]

Met A Oct 2016 and immediately felt something I never have and I’ve dated and been with a lot of women. She’s a modern dancer and Pilates instructor. I work in finance on a trading desk. A happens to be my best friends girlfriends sister. I live with my best friend and A lives with her sister. Yes it’s a complicated dynamic.

She had a bf at the time, a month after they broke up A and I slept together for the first time. My roommate didn’t want it to continue and her sister told A she couldn’t date me. Every time we saw each other there was intense chemistry. 5 months later she’s “hooking up” w/ some kid and we end up sleeping together and both admit there’s something between us and want to date. Roommate and gf break up that week and we agree that we can’t see each other. A month later they’re back together so A and I start talking again, see each other, make plans to hang out. Apparently she’s been seeing somebody from out of town for a month or so, she cancels plans on me. About 2 weeks later she dumps him and hits me up, we start dating. We date for 3 months, very intensely. No official talks or anything but going on dates and sleeping at each other’s places 3-4 times a week. I’m under the impression she is crazy in love with me and we’re about to get serious. She goes away on a family trip, everything seems great, she comes back, we hang out a few times and less than a week later she blindside dumps me saying she’s not ready for a serious relationship and we’re in different places in life and she’s not ready to fall in love (she’s 23 turning 24 at the time I’m 27). I’m destroyed by the break up.

After this the following events take place: We sleep together 2 months later 2 weekends in a row, she flakes on 2 things with me, I find out she’s hooking up with one of my good friends roommates, she brings some kid she apparently hooked up with on that fam trip (we weren’t exclusive at the time though I thought we were about to be) to a friends party where I am (she winds up calling me the next day apologizing), she starts coming around more and we become “friendly” again and this brings us to this past July.

She’s leaving for a 3 week trip, we sleep together the night before she leaves. I think it’s just a one time thing and plan to use the 3 weeks to try and really get over her bc to that point I had not moved on. To my surprise while she’s in Italy she begins texting me and we start talking. She gets back and we start hooking up again pretty much every week for the next 2 months. During this time she’s telling my best friend she’s not ready for a relationship but likes me likes hanging out with me etc. after 2 months of this everything changes and she says she wants to be with me. “You’re special to me, being away from you made me realize I want to be with you, I’ve been an idiot, I’m done being scared, you make me happy, you’re the only one I want and will be exclusive to you and give you my whole heart and when you’re ready you can give me yours (I told her I want to give it a shot also but she’d have to prove herself and get my trust back after everything that had happened)” are things she said.

We started dating again. Again very intensely off the bat. Quickly she introduces me to her whole family. Talks of future plans like trips and owning a dog together. Everything seems amazing once again. She tells me she loves me first. Eventually I tell her I love her too a few weeks later. We have a few small fights this time due to some of my trust issues with her so it’s not all perfect but I was working on it and she was doing her best to help as well. I’m under the impression everything is great though, we love each other and that’s only growing stronger, we have a whole future coming to us. She invites me on her families vacation. I’m very happy, the girl I’ve been wanting back is telling me she loves me and pushing the pace of the relationship. I’d say about 4 or 5 days into the 7 day trip she starts acting weird, distant, I ask her whats wrong and she says everything is fine, eventually snapping at me at dinner our last night (I tell her not to snap at me), something is seriously off so I try to give her space.

2 days after we get back she breaks up with me. Reasons she gave:

• She said it all started about 3 weeks before this, we woke up together, she was getting ready to leave, I kissed her cheek, and she started doubting or being unsure. She pushed them aside and felt better about everything and then they came back on vacation
• said I deserve somebody who loves me as much as I love her
• loves me but isn’t in love with me and really wants to be (Dont understand how she can say this and have looked at me the way she did, smile/laugh the way she did, show the affection she did, say the things she did. What girl is texting her bf at 1am on a Tuesday night just to tell him how much she loves him if shes not in love with him)
• I love her too much
• we see the future differently (which I said we’ve barely spoken about that) so she changed it to we want different things because were different people, that she’s more free spirited and wild and spontaneous and I’m more planned and organized and like to plan my fun
• said I hold her down (I said I’ve never once stopped you from doing anything you’ve wanted to do) she said whenever I want to do something I feel like I have to see if you can do it too then said that didn’t come out right
• said I base too many decisions on her decisions
• said I only do things she wants to do then said but then again you’re so easy going you’d always do something I want to do but she doesn’t want that for me
• said that I did things for her that made her think “don’t do that for me”
• said she’s unhappy sometimes (which kills/confuses me because she always seemed extremely happy when with me)
• that we were falling into the relationship at diff rates
• when I said let’s take some space and talk about these things that she’s never once mentioned anything to me about what’s bothering her making her unhappy she said what’s the point these feelings will just come back and there’s nothing I can do
• Said sometimes she felt contained and didn't want to feel contained (no idea what made her feel contained since she went and did whatever she wanted whenever)

I am so beyond confused. I know things were not perfect but it felt like we were in love with each other with so much to come that we were both excited about, that we had a connection and out of nowhere this is what happened after everything. No difficult conversations of her telling me things that are bothering her or making her unhappy. Feel like somehow I ****ed it all up.

What the hell could have happened? I don’t get how we can be on such drastically different pages and me have no idea? I don’t know if she’s not a good person (my roommates tells me she always breaks guys hearts), if she’s just too young and immature for a real relationship with me (she just turned 25 and I turned 29), or if we’re somehow incompatible? (Though I never felt we were incompatible at all, different types of people yes in some aspects but had a ton in common and really thought we fit great together). Maybe she's a narcissist/has commitment issues/is BPD/unavailable?

i’m sorry I have to agree with some other posts. That’s way to long to read. You’re confused because you don’t understand women. I saw a couple good responses already in here. But you have to understand that women interpret events in the moment based on how they feel. You must’ve tried to push things forward before obtaining a High enough interest level from her. The length of the post you wrote itself is indicative that you’re being needy. You want a magical answer to solve the problem. But the problem is clearly your ability to relate to her when you guys are together. Or maybe when it’s when your apart. Same difference same effect. Even if you are needy, you can never let a woman know this. If you’re living your life the way you should, have interests, friends, a job, and hobbies. Then it wouldn’t be this big of a deal. You’re attached and she’s not. Because you’ve acted needy and still are. You need to go work on yourself bro. Read up.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Interesting you say girls like this wind up bonding to somebody extremely strong, domineering/controlling because she's a very free spirit that hates to be controlled and is very independent.

That's what they say, but it's not how they respond. I don't know her and only have what you say to go by, but in the case of the girl I dated some years ago, her ex was totally domineering and critical of her. Wouldn't allow her to do many things. Yet she married him and stuck with him through terrible things for a decade. I would describe her very much as a free spirit. So why did she stay with him?? Because many of those girls need someone to control them or they will literally float away into space. Being controlled by a dominant man they trust feels safer to them than trusting their own instincts.

I read up on attachment stuff and it seems people with avoidant tendencies will get into relationships that they know won't work or something like that. Seems a long distance relationship with a gypsy fits that bill no?

Many of these women do not seem very discriminate on their choices. And their "relationships" usually are very short lived. She's young and just out there experimenting to try to find what she likes.

So it all kind of seemed to line up and make sense and I figured she was finally letting her walls down and these pent up feelings out and that's why everything was so intense...

I get it. Like I said, I've been there myself. But now you know what to look for and how to respond in the future with other women.

 

[SoSuave666]

I only read the first couple of paragraphs. Anyone that takes the time to type all of that out is too invested.

End of story.

Was just about to post the exact same thing. If you make a post about a girl and it’s a “what did I do wrong” vibe I know you’re too invested. This was a full length novel. Way too invested

but, I’ve been there OP. You’ll figure it out,stick around

 

[Epic Days]

She’s quite the little tramp. Lol. Yeah, you should trust her with all your heart. Eyes rolling.