Bitter after divorce w/ kids, advice welcome..

[latinnova]

Soo... been married for 14 years, economic trouble in 2008 made things hard, but we still endured. About 5 months ago wife met her old high school flame on facebook and she fell for him all over again, said he was always #1 in her books, and that hurt. She asked for divorce, and I went with it and got it over with quickly (don't have the money to fight). Didn't find out that she was seeing this guy for months behind my back until half way through the divorce, but what ever, it is what it is.

Ok, so divorce was finalized on August 18th, and since then she has already been taking the kids (13 and 14 years of age) to his house and spending loads of time with him as a family with our kids. I dropped the kids off last night, the 24th, (it was my weekend) and there he was, sitting in the drive way with my wife waiting for the kids. What!?!?! Damn, at least have the respect to keep him out of my presence for a while. And what do I see, I see my kids go up to him and give him high fives, showing him stuff we did, etc... that made me feel like ****. It's like I have been immediately replaced by this other guy without hesitation by my whole family. Any advice or thoughts on how other people who went through this would be awesome. The thing that hurts the worst is the kids just loving up on him, and we have only been divorced officially for a week. Its hard to imagine that I can be replaced so easily, like I didn't even exist.

And no, I am not some mean, controlling husband, that is not the reason she left, she left because the love of her life became available once again (even though she swore to me destiny brought us together, 2 pieces of the same soul, I'm her soulmate). I work full time, go to school full time time (which was suppose to make our lives better) don't drink, do drugs, abuse, etc... and spent any extra time I had with the family that I loved. Again, advice about how not to be bitter would be great. The kids loving up on him just devastates me. Guess the advice will be to man up, grow a pair, and enjoy my freedom, right? It's hard to do, I was feeling great, but seeing my kids treating him like their new best friend was like Mike Tyson punching me in the face, TKO, and I'm down and out, big blow to self esteem.

 

[The Duke]

Seeing that would be a tough pill to swallow no doubt. You are still their dad and as long as you always make a valid attempt to be "dad" you won't be replaced.

At least your kids seem to get along with this new guy and lets hope he has a positive impact on their lives. Ask your self if you would want the opposite? Would you want some cold hearted dik that scared your kids and was abusive?

Be thankful for what you do have and keep your chin up. Time will help ease some of the pain but it will be up to you to make a better life for yourself. Whether you are the victim or the victor, the choice is yours.

 

[Alvafe]

hey think on the good side, you now get a younger better looking woman to bang.

for your kids he is now the cool uncle, he is just there to play and be fun he don't have a care about if your kids are studying or order then around to do stuff, that is her moms and your job, so he just do play ball with then, or like your kids friends, they are possible behaving the same way.

don't worry about looking like a controlling husband or not, now take care to get better in your life, your dead weight just make herself be usefull and let someone else take her weight, now carry on and be better, don't need to worry about going after woman right now, just go out and try to put your whole life on track, to make more money, have a better look on you, behaving more happy, I can bet when your ex and your kids see you are better without her she will start to double guess her and your kids will be happy for you.

its ok for now you feel bad for everything, but remember, you are now in a better place, and can improve a lot, as long you try to focus on it

 

[MOTU]

Brother I have been through this and I know it sucks. Here is what I think will help:
- focus on your relationship with your kids but do not change your parenting style, or try to "win" their affection.
- when they are with you, just act as a normal family: chores, discipline, etc.
- don't ask about the other guy and don't say anyhow negative about either one of them.
- let your kids know you love them and value your time with them.
- be steady, confident, predictable. With all the change, your kids need to feel that you are unshakeable.

Remember, they are in a honeymoon phase. When reality sets in, things will be different.

 

[Knight's Cross]

Man if I had a Nickel for every time I heard a woman use the term, "soulmate".
Look OP you are the one that chooses to be happy, sad, etc. Right now you are giving your Ex that power. The power to make you unhappy. Well F that $hit. You own your own emotions. Don't give her that. I can understand the raw nature of the wound. Fill your life up with pursuits, and be glad you are enlightened to the nature of woman. Think of it this way. A lesson in red pill.
KC

 

[latinnova]

Thanks for the tips guys. Getting over her was fairly easy, because she had betrayed me before this, so washing her away was easier. We did share 14 years of our lives together, raising out 2 wonderful children, but betrayal will make it easier to forget. And that's what I meant by I was feeling pretty good, was enjoying being single, etc..

But when I saw my kids go up to this other man (the man that my wife was running around behind my back with for months), high fiving him, showing him the projects that the kids and I worked on, confiding in him all the fun they had with me to the new man in their life, I was like . That was the most devastating blow yet.

They also talk about him a lot. "Dad, he makes great food" "Dad, we watched this awesome movie over his house when we spent the night there, you should watch it because it's so funny." "Dad... blah blah..." I don't tell them to stop talking about it, because their mother has taught them that this is normal and it will be a conflicting message, but man, it does inflict some pain. Also, no I have not said anything negative about the x wife and new boyfriend to the kids, nor will I. I just let them have their life together.

Alright, I will try to apply the advice given. And I am studying the advice on this forum so that when the time is right I will be able to get me some ladies, but as of now I don't think the time is right. But if something falls into my lap, so be it. And a most excellent lesson was learned about the nature of women, definitely took the red pill to learn it, but it will not be forgotten.

 

[Albatross953]

Marriage 2.0 is great isn't it!? My ex is fast tracking her new boyfriend into my sons life, it is what it is. Great advice above...be their father not their buddy. Even if things look great for them it may not be that way deep down. My ex got a call from a therapist last week on my phone, gave my number by accident. She was pretty embarrassed, her house of cards was showing.

Give it time, good luck.

 

[Albatross953]

Betrayed you twice? Good riddance. And give it a few months, your kids will figure it out and punish mom on their own when reality sets in. Be a rock for them.

 

[latinnova]

Ya, good riddance for sure. The thing I will miss is that she was a sex freak, I mean like any time all the time for the last 14 years, even right before she asked to seperate :woo: , and I trained her to do some things that the new guy should be thanking me for... But that's over, so what ever. They say the crazy ones are the most sexual, right? It will take time but I will adjust and move on. It is what it is right, and it would have happened eventually, guess it's better to get all of it over right off the bat.

 

[mangotot]

What you need to do is go **** some women way way hotter then your wife to get it out of your system to relieve stress.

 

[sodbuster]

It always get's better, IF you keep on trying.... My net worth has doubled, maybe tripled, since she left.... Child support ENDED. I've lost 20 lbs and she's gained abut 50. I'm dating a woman 26 yrs younger and 80 lbs lighter than SHE is.AND she's not opposed to a pre-nup.....

When the school pays off...knock it out of the park!

 

[Cejay]

Hey OP,

I have a similar story, its out on Inkers thread if you want to read it, with one exception that I don't have kids.

Seems like you're getting a lot of good advice here, I just wanted to add my support, there are many of us who have been there as well as some thoughts with a different perspective.

If what you say is true you're a good man, dedicated, to your family. For the last 14 years you derived your happiness from your wife and kids - as you should. Turns out your ex-wife is a douche, and good riddance. It hurts now but its going to get better.

Read Bachelor pad economics, rational male and all that remains by the minimalists.

Get your ass to the gym and keep working hard on your school. Improve yourself.

But most importantly, try to find a new source of happiness than your family. Maybe its a hobby. Maybe its riding a motorcycle, time with the guys, challenging yourself with weights or martial arts. Your kids will still make you proud but they are in a honey moon stage of sorts with the new guy.

Keep your feelings about the new guy to your buddies and not in front of your kids.

Continue to be that rock, that good father, that good man that you are and give this all some time. You're their dad and nobody can take that from you.


I just found out who my ex's new BF is (affair guy dumped her) and that hurt too. It took time but I realized how miserable I was when I was married. Living a lifestyle I didn't want to live, in a town I didn't want to live in. We had loser drunks for friends. Lots of debt. Blah.
Now thats all gone. I still have ****ty days, pain, issues but I've dated a lot of different women over the last year, learned a lot about myself, chased new dreams and generally live a happier life. I hope you do too.

CJ.

 

[Cejay]

One other thing to add, I can't really help with the bitterness.

I've been considering starting a new thread on this, but although I've been pretty successful with dating I have a hard time staying motivated to do so.

When you spend a little time alone doing what YOU want, and then date it becomes clear how much time dating takes (to find and spin plates) as well as how much it can cost and I start asking myself if its worth it, so I take breaks where I don't date at all and am really unmotivated with women right now.

I guess I'm bitter too. Women represent a huge financial risk as well.

CJ.

 

[latinnova]

Awesome responses guys! I really appreciate it. There are many different viewpoints that I have never thought of. I actually have always been In the gym, it's my addiction. I incline 300 for 5 reps, squat 345 for 12 reps, so on and so forth, all natural. So my body is great for being 35. I always get the girls at the bar who think I'm 25 max, so I just go with it, lol. My ex-wife is also in her mid 30s.

I'm will not say I am a perfect man, but I tried to be. It seems like the more I showered her with compliments, the more I listened to her emotional outpours, etc.. It didn't help. I think she simply got bored with real life now that the luster had worn away from the relationship. She wanted the excitement, the new, the fun all over again. I never cheated, abused, drank, etc. just got up and worked my ass off and came home to spend time with my family. The past 2 years I have been in college full time while busting my ass working full time too.

So, there it is. I will move forward and wish them luck. Now it's off to study some serious heavy duty college math

Oh ya, and I'm super noob to this whole cassa nova stuff. I used to get woman left and right by doing.... I can't really remember, lol. It's been 14 years and now I feel like Ricky bobby when he is giving an interview and doesn't know what to do with his hands, lol. But I'm studying that too.

 

[Rubirosa]

While divorce does suck, it often times ends up being a second chance at life for many guys. In many ways, it's the best of both Worlds because you get to enjoy the single life and also fatherhood at the same time.
Your kids are already teenages, so you only have a few years left of your ex using her child support money on salon treatments and other selfish indulgences while she plays at being a pain in the a$$ with pick up and drop off times.....
But don't worry !....This time of post divorce drama will go by quick if most nights you're usually exhausted on your sofa and smelling your fingers after your new plate has left your bachelor pad....

Your ego has been hit hard, but it's a part of your ego that's tied to this one dingbat....the other parts are now awake and ready to party !

Keep being responsible, but have fun. Let your ex see you hanging out with someone hotter than her...Let her ego get a wakeup call!

 

[Kailex]

I feel for the kids.

Because right now they are probably seeing this "new, cool guy" who is more uncle than step-father. The time will come, soon enough, when he will barge in to discipline them (and at 13/14, IT WILL HAPPEN) and she shuns him and tells him that they are HER kids and not his.

That, or the guy is a total pushover, and a floormat.

As a C.O.D., I can tell you, read and re-read a lot of the advice here, SPECIALLY MOTU'S. Why? Because if you feel this way now about him? What happens when they come back one day and tell you about the cool thing that he bought them or they did with him?

You have to accept that this is the way their life is going to be now. And they will try to make it a competition and you need to be ready for your ex-wife to make it that way as well.

No matter how much crap she might talk to your kids about you, DO NOT DO THE SAME. Maybe your kids will listen to it now, but there will come an age where they will be old enough to tell the difference between what she says and who you are.

I've been through it. I had one of my parents bad mouth the other and in the beginning, I almost took sides. But I let things ride out and I could see that clearly one parent was trying to wrangle the kids from the other. But in the same vein, do NOT let your kids badmouth your ex-wife either. Remind them that above all, she IS their mother... even if this kills you on the inside.

The way you feel about that other guy, will eventually die down. Who knows, there might be a day he even comes to you for advice. Trust me though, out of all of this, he is the biggest loser. He gains a cheating woman, two kids about to hit the worst phases of their lives, and a fit man that he has to see all the time as a constant reminder of who was inside that va-jay-jay of hers for 14 years.

It hurts now, but the pain always subsides.

 

[Colossus]

I agree with Kailex, MOTU, and others.

I have no personal experience here, but I can say that when your kids get older they WILL be able to see who their real dad is. Just remain their father; dont try to outdo the new guy with gifts and endless fun....it's disingenuous and that's not your role. He is the new, fun, "uncle", and like Brad and Kailex said when those kids get to be teens they are going to hate his as$.

What's happening now is no doubt painful, and you have every right to feel hurt and even enraged. But ultimately, the joke is on him. He got a two-timing, aging, single mother of two; and you gained freedom from this poor excuse for a woman. In 10 years when you are doing well for yourself, still in shape, still a good father AND have prettier girls 10 years younger than your ex-wife...you can look at her with a smug grin and tell her she made her own bed.

 

[jimmy18]

After seeing some of my mother's behavior during and after she divorced raped my dad (and got major custody), I definitely respect my father more, and our relationship is better now than it has ever been.

 

[sodbuster]

To see where you went wrong. Go to Chateau Heartiste and read relationship game by a reader.......Dave from Hawaii. A primer on what men need to do to keep a woman interested

 

[latinnova]

Thanks for all the tips guys. Really helps. I think that the last heavy blow that I needed to suffer before I was able to fully move on, was seeing the kids with another man. They had already been talking about him, but seeing them interact with him rang my bell that day. Anyhow days have passed and I am moving past that. I have been busy as hell going from work to school, from school to the gym, and from the gym to study until about 1 a.m. everyday. So I am occupied as I can be.

As for keeping the woman, after reading all the info in this forum I know I was pretty alpha in my relationship, and just normally pretty alpha, which is one of the things that probably led the divorce. Even though she loved it, it conflicted greatly with the family structure she was used to.You see, within her whole family, and everyone married into her family, the women wear the pants in the family. The wives says jump, the men asks how high. The men in the family are complete floor mats, and that's the way they like it. I would go over there and they would try to train me how to act and I was having none of that sh1t, I would tell them straight up that I am the man of the house and that my rules were to be followed, though I would listen and compromise with the wife, but I would not let her rule over me. So obviously, I did not get along with her family really well, and they new guy does because he must be a floor mat also. They love the floormats. Anyhow it was just not meant to be, and that is the jist of it.

It's the kids being gone that hurt the worst, her being gone was weird, but I wrote out a spreadsheet of the pros and the cons with her, and the cons SIGNIFICANTLY outweigh the pros. And I look at that every time I think "what did I do wrong?" Forget that, I did what I had to do to take care of the family, and if she didn't like it, fine then be gone. I'm still moving forward with my life bettering myself everyday :rockon: