Best ways to move past a BPD / Gaslightee relationship?

[European-DJ]

Following 6 months in a relationship with a Gaslighter (potentially BPD), I found myself having had enough and ended it in quite a mess - but at least it ended.
The relationship from an emotional perspective can best be described as:

Beginning _____/\/\/\___/\/\_/\/\/\____/\/\/\ NOW

With the final part being a massive down in which I stand now.

Since the beginning, I knew that the girl was a bit off / different, but at the same time this was what made her really appealing. She was extremely social and outgoing and spoke her mind quite freely - which is more or less the polar opposite of me. In retrospect, I might think I found her interesting because I thought she could help me get out of my head / shell. Following weeks of her convincing me I was the one, she all of the sudden started having second doubts and wanted me to prove myself - and this went on for months, the better I was, the more I had to prove myself, the more I proved myself the more she doubted. When I tried to pull out, she love bombed and pulled me in again, when I gave in she became verbally abusive again.

The verbal abuse she exposed me to was way worse than anything I have ever tried before, but at the same time the "good feelings" she triggered in me was better than what I have tried with anyone else - I guess that is what they do and she did it well... During the time I got pretty convinced that I was in the wrong and that in fact I was the bad person / unfair / not chilled / horrible etc,

Following a messy week where I ended up having a panic attack twice in two weeks (during which she practically offered not support and only stated that she too was hurt and thus coudlnt assist me), being told she had no loyalty for me and did not love me any longer, I ended up removing myself completely and cancelled a trip we had planned the following weekend.

Since then there has been attempts of reaching out to me, but these have slowly reduced to nothing. While that is definitely helping the situation, I am left a complete emotional mess and I am having a hard time moving un.

Therefore, I am calling out anyone who has had exposure to a Gaslighter / BPD and who has moved on successfully to share their experience and what they found the most useful in their healing process.

/European

 

[btownbuck2012]

If we're talking about a legit Cluster B/BPD woman, there is no true 100% effective healing process. It changes you for sure and it is possible to move on and become a better man, but you'll never be the same again.

What you've described is certainly in line with what the pattern is in a relationship with a woman like this. It does seem a bit "watered" down compared to a-lot of other BPD horror stories you'll read, but that doesn't change the fact that she was a toxic person and it's good you're away from her now.

The reason I even bring that up is because so many women act like this these days. The push-pull, back and forth and then finally a complete ghosting. Believe it or not, that's pretty typical of most women, at least in my experience. Where we get into the murky waters of a cluster b personality disorder is when we start talking about the most vile, cruel sh*t you can imagine coming from a person whom appeared very normal and caring months earlier. Think stuff like sleeping with your friends/co-workers, incredibly scary rages/violence, suicide threats, self-harm, wild sex and love bombing (in the beginning) and stories of very extreme physical/emotional abuse in her family or as a part of her younger years.

I'm not discrediting you by any means, if anything I'm able to put the idea in your head that you got away relatively unscathed if this chick was a true BPD. I know the emotional pain hurts, but you can get through it as long as you take the time to heal and understand what happened.

Dealing with these chicks will legit have you convinced that there is evil in the world. I'm talking about that biblical jezebel kind of evil that you dismissed as a kid and that they were just trying to scare you in church. No man. That sh*t is real and that kind of woman is alive and well in 2019. BPDs and all cluster Bs have an insatiable need to control and dominate others. There is no low that is low enough for them not to go to try and hurt you. And what's truly scary is it'll be that one thing that irks you the most. These women wreck Alphas and betas alike because they are experts and figuring out what your thumbscrew is an exploiting it until you're an absolute wreck. They'll stop at nothing. The damage they do is intense enough that men who are with them for any extended period of time often end up dead or in prison.

The KEY to not becoming one of these guys is the following:
* understand that what's she's done to you IS NOT personal. She'll do this with every single guy she's involved with. The only way to truly protect yourself is to have firm boundaries, which you seem to have, and cut all contact. The guys who get wrecked are the ones who keep going back for more after she's hit them with the sob story about how awful her life has been since the relationship ended.

*understand that she is literally am empty human being. There is nothing inside of her that is real. It's all an act that is covering for an incredibly sick and deranged mind. The sweetheart you feel in love with was neve real. What you're actually dealing with is a form of evil that is very ancient and destructive. These women have been around for all of time. I don't care how different you think she is or how sweet and NORMAL she appeared. The above applies. NO exceptions.

*Understand that if you would have stayed longer, there would have been nothing you could have done to prevent her from acting the way she did. It was unavoidable. Do NOT take it personally. Just get as far aware from her as you can

 

[stovepipe]

btownbuck2012 pretty much nailed it! Great post btw. The most important and valuable piece of advice that I cannot stress enough is you need to stay "no contact" FOREVER! That means you delete any and all pics, emails, notes, letters and block all forms of her being able to contact you. I promise you if you do not listen to that #1 piece each time you see a pic or see her number calling you, it will trigger you. It is the only way to heal!

Reading your post I can say you are very lucky. As buck stated a lot of men commit suicide or die of an overdose trying to heal from all the pain and confusion these Jezebels cause. These types are masters of deception. They deflect all their bad behavior onto their victims to make them feel as if they are the problem. It's meant to cause confusion and chaos in ones mind. You did nothing wrong, always remember that. Also try to not think of her as ever being a genuinely good person who loved you. The love bombing is their #1 tactic to trap their victims into their toxic web of destruction. Her supposed love was merely a mirage in the desert. Sex is close 2nd.

It will not be easy to heal from it, but with time I can assure you things will get a lot better. You basically danced with the devil and came out alive. Anyone who questions Jezebels are nothing but a myth. These types of women are becoming very prominent in todays society which is a sign we are living in the end of days. Learn from this, listen to your intuition and most certainly create some strong boundaries gong forward. If you care to read :https://www.charismanews.com/opinion/74404-4-sure-signs-you-re-battling-this-demonic-jezebel-spirit

This is one of the best videos that breaks down how the spirit traps you:

If you ever need help feel free to dm me.

 

[European-DJ]

If we're talking about a legit Cluster B/BPD woman, there is no true 100% effective healing process. It changes you for sure and it is possible to move on and become a better man, but you'll never be the same again.

What you've described is certainly in line with what the pattern is in a relationship with a woman like this. It does seem a bit "watered" down compared to a-lot of other BPD horror stories you'll read, but that doesn't change the fact that she was a toxic person and it's good you're away from her now.

I definitely agree that it is a watered down edition, but I also left out some of the details, including one instance during which I broke it off the first time and she had a mental breakdown and threatened to throw herself out the balcony / grab a kitchen knife... I, however, dismissed it as a temporary breakdown due to her caring very much about staying with me... Ohh what a fool I was in retrospect.

The reason I even bring that up is because so many women act like this these days. The push-pull, back and forth and then finally a complete ghosting. Believe it or not, that's pretty typical of most women, at least in my experience. Where we get into the murky waters of a cluster b personality disorder is when we start talking about the most vile, cruel sh*t you can imagine coming from a person whom appeared very normal and caring months earlier. Think stuff like sleeping with your friends/co-workers, incredibly scary rages/violence, suicide threats, self-harm, wild sex and love bombing (in the beginning) and stories of very extreme physical/emotional abuse in her family or as a part of her younger years.

I'm not discrediting you by any means, if anything I'm able to put the idea in your head that you got away relatively unscathed if this chick was a true BPD. I know the emotional pain hurts, but you can get through it as long as you take the time to heal and understand what happened.

Except for her going around and telling anyone who will listen to her that I am a complete and utter psychopath, I too believe I got away quite well - having read other poster's experiences with BPD, I can see that they have landed restraining orders and jail sentences. Luckily things never got that bad between us - however, I am only ridding myself of her now, so hopefully, she won't go full-blown mental on me in the near future, when she realizes it is actually over.

The KEY to not becoming one of these guys is the following:
* understand that what's she's done to you IS NOT personal. She'll do this with every single guy she's involved with. The only way to truly protect yourself is to have firm boundaries, which you seem to have, and cut all contact. The guys who get wrecked are the ones who keep going back for more after she's hit them with the sob story about how awful her life has been since the relationship ended.

*understand that she is literally am empty human being. There is nothing inside of her that is real. It's all an act that is covering for an incredibly sick and deranged mind. The sweetheart you feel in love with was neve real. What you're actually dealing with is a form of evil that is very ancient and destructive. These women have been around for all of time. I don't care how different you think she is or how sweet and NORMAL she appeared. The above applies. NO exceptions.

*Understand that if you would have stayed longer, there would have been nothing you could have done to prevent her from acting the way she did. It was unavoidable. Do NOT take it personally. Just get as far aware from her as you can

Appreciate the three bullet points above and will try my best to follow them!

I must admit that cutting myself from her completely and now suddenly being left without a good friend / an enormous source of validation / a constant supply (less so towards the end) of the dirtiest sex I have ever had, has left me with a big void to fill and a constant craving to reach out, apologize and take her back...

Right now, I know that I am still able to make amends and get her back if I wanted to, but I know that it would be wrong. Taking her back would only mean going back to even more negativity, mental deterioration, and feelings of despair and confusion.

 

[DelayedGratification]

I have been there. Twice. My marriage was a chinese water torture with a BPD. Late in that relationship, in an ill-advised attempt to keep my sanity I took on a mistress who started out sweet/nice/sex-positive but in the end I see clearly how unbalanced she was. Ironically the inevitable breakup with the mistress post-divorce was more devastating than the divorce.

So yeah, be grateful you got out. Stay out. No good will come from being sucked back in. Per a prior post, delete everything. I did that exercise and it was incredibly helpful.

My current GF, by contrast, is one of the most emotionally intelligent, balanced person I've met. She's significantly younger than me, but I have learned a lot from her ability to set boundaries and to keep healthy communication going. The good ones are out there.

 

[Epic Days]

Sure. I will tell you the best way.

Accept that you are fully responsible for what happened to you. You did it.
There was that little voice in your head the whole time. You ignored it because you wanted the fake fantasy.
Accept that you have been programmed to be a victim.
Accept that it’s not her and that it’s you. You and tens of thousands of men in your country are set up to be bashed around like a pathetic little b!tch.
There isn’t a woman on this planet who won’t tell you that it’s not your own fault. They will tell you how easy and really stupid men are. Yes. This means you.

The longer you put any of this on a woman...the longer it will take you to get yourself back. There isn’t a woman on the planet who doesn’t know how to use any of those tactics.
They know exactly what they are doing. So suck it up and realize that you are in control of you. Not a woman.

 

[Toddz]

I crossed paths with a true BPD about 6 months ago from a dating app. I recognized the red flags early on and tried to cut contact immediately. We only went on 2 dates, but it was already too late. She stalked me and found out where I lived, where I worked, and even started calling my job asking for me. I blocked her number through the phone company but she got around that through some app which creates other phone numbers somehow. I had to change my phone number and filed 2 police reports after she threatened to send people to my house and job to "take care of me". All of this is after 2 freaking dates.

Consider yourself lucky and be thankful if you can cut ties with a true BPD. Let some other guy deal with that

 

[Focal core]

Go to this site, gettinbetter.com, read read and read until you heal. Yeah empty and void, it's like a Pandora box being emptied from oneself the void and experiencing all the pain that comes out of it.. Bpds are notorious at waking up all these feelings that were unresolved since youre a very young child.. I know been there done that, I completely heal within a year and not a single women can manipulate me cause u have been with the most crazy female in the planet!! Congratulations!!

 

[Focal core]

No his not responsible for it.. It isn't his fault, he was programmed to be attracted to bpds since childhood.. Mine simply because one of my closest person that I know since I was very young has it, and Inever realise it. There's always a blueprint inside that making guys attracted to the damages goods.

 

[Epic Days]

No his not responsible for it.. It isn't his fault, he was programmed to be attracted to bpds since childhood.. Mine simply because one of my closest person that I know since I was very young has it, and Inever realise it. There's always a blueprint inside that making guys attracted to the damages goods.

The only problem with this mindset is that it doesn't lead to resolution or put the mindset in a man that he must be responsible for his outcomes. We like to claim responsibility when the outcome was beneficial but immediately try to shift it to somebody else when it takes a bite out of use. That is feminine. All the way to the bone.
With the policy for handling it in the future is to be aware of "danger" as if a woman is a saber tooth tiger or Godzilla's little sister in disguise, when in fact...she isn't feeling any of it. The man is.
When he sets it up to find his responsibility in all outcomes, he becomes a better man. He sets policy for his own life. Without fear. Without being wary of a 110 brat who spotted his weaknesses and exploited them because she can.

If one looked outside of his pathetically narrow vision of just his own viewpoint, he will be able to see that his vulnerabilities were and are his. Not hers. She really is powerless in the face of a man. See it from her viewpoint. She is a mass of pushes and pulls in her life. The social forces today even conflict with her upbringing in most cases as well as her own natural inclinations and biology.
She sees the man as a potentially dangerous mechanism that can smash her but turns to jelly when offered pvssy. Think about how pathetic that is. It truly is pathetic.
It's like throwing a guard dog a piece of spoiled rotting meat and sneaking by him to rob the house.
I'm not even sure that it's cruel to put a man through the wringer. Maybe she is doing the man a favor? What other skills or survival strategies does she have in the modern world when she is protected by the state and not a man?

Maybe I'm completely wrong and that men have truly dropped down to the state of a sniveling full grown child after all? Is he so fragile that a 110 pound woman can master his mind?

 

[Focal core]

The only problem with this mindset is that it doesn't lead to resolution or put the mindset in a man that he must be responsible for his outcomes. We like to claim responsibility when the outcome was beneficial but immediately try to shift it to somebody else when it takes a bite out of use. That is feminine. All the way to the bone.
With the policy for handling it in the future is to be aware of "danger" as if a woman is a saber tooth tiger or Godzilla's little sister in disguise, when in fact...she isn't feeling any of it. The man is.
When he sets it up to find his responsibility in all outcomes, he becomes a better man. He sets policy for his own life. Without fear. Without being wary of a 110 brat who spotted his weaknesses and exploited them because she can.

If one looked outside of his pathetically narrow vision of just his own viewpoint, he will be able to see that his vulnerabilities were and are his. Not hers. She really is powerless in the face of a man. See it from her viewpoint. She is a mass of pushes and pulls in her life. The social forces today even conflict with her upbringing in most cases as well as her own natural inclinations and biology.
She sees the man as a potentially dangerous mechanism that can smash her but turns to jelly when offered pvssy. Think about how pathetic that is. It truly is pathetic.
It's like throwing a guard dog a piece of spoiled rotting meat and sneaking by him to rob the house.
I'm not even sure that it's cruel to put a man through the wringer. Maybe she is doing the man a favor? What other skills or survival strategies does she have in the modern world when she is protected by the state and not a man?

Maybe I'm completely wrong and that men have truly dropped down to the state of a sniveling full grown child after all? Is he so fragile that a 110 pound woman can master his mind?

Wait.. Are you saying being with an insane chick that makes his life miserable is his responsibility? Relationship is 50 50 and both has to play their part.. No im not agreeing the man has to take for it, the only person that matters is you, and the one you take responsibility for is yourself, to place yourself in high value, taking responsibility in any girl madness is just insane, selfless is another word for co-dependency, no I would never take 100% of responsibility in any relationship.

 

[Epic Days]

Wait.. Are you saying being with an insane chick that makes his life miserable is his responsibility? Relationship is 50 50 and both has to play their part.. No im not agreeing the man has to take for it, the only person that matters is you, and the one you take responsibility for is yourself, to place yourself in high value, taking responsibility in any girl madness is just insane, selfless is another word for co-dependency, no I would never take 100% of responsibility in any relationship.

This is a bullsh1t rule. The feminine imperative says it's 50/50. I understand what you are saying though.
What if you just led? That's all. And it all ended up a tangled up mess. When it started to get tangled up, you had decision points along the way. Decisions about yourself. Decisions about her. Would you as the leader be responsible for the outcome?

The concept is about a man's ability to take full responsibility. That is how he learns. Any part whatsoever that he gives to another, responsibility, he learns nothing and thus can become the effect of the same exact thing further down the line.

 

[Spaz]

This is a bullsh1t rule. The feminine imperative says it's 50/50. I understand what you are saying though.
What if you just led? That's all. And it all ended up a tangled up mess. When it started to get tangled up, you had decision points along the way. Decisions about yourself. Decisions about her. Would you as the leader be responsible for the outcome?

The concept is about a man's ability to take full responsibility. That is how he learns. Any part whatsoever that he gives to another, responsibility, he learns nothing and thus can become the effect of the same exact thing further down the line.

Snowflake soyboy syndrome is deeply ingrained in some men.

Takes time for a mindset shift.

 

[Focal core]

Female imperative? Relationship is about emotional commitment, are you saying that you are all 100% into a relationship took all responsibility and women has to do nothing? Well good luck on that cya

 

[Epic Days]

Female imperative? Relationship is about emotional commitment, are you saying that you are all 100% into a relationship took all responsibility and women has to do nothing? Well good luck on that cya

That’s how I got to where I am now. Of course their actions suck when you are way into them. But I was still responsible to what happened. Start to finish. To think any other way is to be a victim.
Making her take responsibility is a fools errand. Never gonna happen. She may give you lip service but it’s not in her. The second the woman says “I’m sorry.” I already know it means nothing. So I would rather she not say it. Seriously. I would rather she kept her suck shut. That way she doesn’t have to keep compounding lies or manipulations.
You kick them to the curb like a sack of old fish heads. Zero emotion as far as she can tell.

What I’m thinking or feeling is no longer her business. Dismissal. But I know I am responsible for what happened to me. I was the leader.

 

[Focal core]

And which cave women that you dates will follow your every rules? Nonsense

 

[Epic Days]

And which cave women that you dates will follow your every rules? Nonsense

I have no idea what rules you are talking about. I have no intention of making her do anything she doesn’t want. But I’m the leader. There is no other way. It’s not rough or inconsiderate.
If she doesn’t follow, she’s free to go. Any man who lets a woman have the lead is dead meat.
If she isn’t feminine then there is no point in even being around her. I’m giving her the opportunity to be a woman.
Are you understanding things a little now?

 

[Focal core]

I have no idea what rules you are talking about. I have no intention of making her do anything she doesn’t want. But I’m the leader. There is no other way. It’s not rough or inconsiderate.
If she doesn’t follow, she’s free to go. Any man who lets a woman have the lead is dead meat.
If she isn’t feminine then there is no point in even being around her. I’m giving her the opportunity to be a woman.

Agreed to this one still its not op fault then

 

[Epic Days]

Agreed to this one still its not op fault then

Actually it is. Until he realizes this, he will suffer in one form or another. Or he will run around decrying “dangerous woman” and never really learn to handle or dismiss any woman at will.

I think every man probably needs a good dose of this. Take his lumps. Then forget her by assuming responsibility and learning. Or sink into the damaged man who got his azz kicked by a brat.

Who told him that his head was more valuable than mine or yours?
It is impossible for a woman to love as deeply as a man. She doesn’t love you, by your definition. She is incapable of that level of feeling towards the opposite sex. There is no 50/50. That is as alien to her as the surface of Mars.

 

[Focal core]

It isn't impossible still it's hard.. Yes the person that only matters is you in whatever circumstances doesn't means that you have higher value than others I didn't deny that, in relationship it has to be reciprocal.. Its 50 50 never love women 100 person the effort has to come from each of you it doesn't mean that I said anybody has the capability to love 100% or there's no you in the picture.. I like to call it a partnership to any circumstances.. We both are right just i. A different way.. However saying that op has to take responsibility in his bpd relationship doesn't mean Jack.. Bpd person never has the capability for emotional connection.. They are crippled to experience those feelings.. Dont take any **** from bpd person.