Best friends ex-wife

[KontrollerX]

Westcoaster my advice was not naieve.

You misunderstood it.

I read and get a sense of where a guy is at emotionally and how he wants to view himself.

Councillors generally get into the profession to help people who are in a very bad way and they hold to ethical standards of behaviour and try to live their entire life with these ethics not just when they are practicing.

So with that information I was giving this man advice specifically tailored to him.

As in I don't think he would be able to look himself in the mirror and be proud of what he sees when this "relationship" would end.

Also I think you missed something else about the post and it is that this guy is looking for a relationship with an emotionally unstable woman.

Not a fling.

Now if a DJ asked this question I'd say "go for it bro. You know its a fling and a good time but be sure you don't mind possibly losing this friend first before going through with it" and that would be that for my advice.

The OP is not a DJ but an AFC maybe hoping to turn into a DJ.

As an AFC he thinks he can get a real relationship with an emotionally unstable woman and I as a DJ am basically telling him that is just not happening.

Ever.

For anyone.

So you and I actually agree that giving the high hard one to an emotionally unstable woman is alright but trying to get a relationship with one is not.

Thats where new posters might get confused with your type of advice in that unless you spell it out clearly ie its alright to fvck an emotionally unstable woman but don't give her a real relationship the new posters will think just by you saying its alright to fvck her that you also are giving the green light to a relationship with such a woman as they make the connection of relationships with fvcking in their minds. They as AFC's and new people just don't seperate the two like we DJ's do.

 

[WestCoaster]

I didn't say you were naive, I said I was naive and thinking this woman is some train-wreck and can't stand on her own two feet is being naive. Even worse are the comments like "bro's before ho's" and that this woman is some untouchable being.

I agree with your take on counseling, and being in an advisement field with young people, I more than agree with it, especially with several counseling classes in my background.

And with this background and the information given me, I can tell you that neither party is in an emotionally traumatic state. Perhaps our poster might want to tread a little lighter than usual, but if he wants to go down that path, I think he should ask her. If she says no and she's not ready, he should honor that, too.

But it appears both are ready to at least get something going, even if it's minor. Neither person is full-out damaged here, perhaps the woman as she's staring at divorce. But 99.9 percent of most divorcees don't even wait a couple weeks to get "healed." They're out on the market rather quickly.

He should pursue it, fling, relationship, whatever. He should pursue this ... and keep other options open, too.

 

[WestCoaster]

she was a little drunk and confessed that she had had a really dirty dream about me

Giagantic hint, larger than the Empire State Building. I've missed hints like these in the past, I vow to not do so in the future.

Get with it bucko.

 

[KontrollerX]

Alright good follow up Westcoaster and thanks for re-explaining your position.

Just remember OP if you take Westcoaster's advice and you two decide to get into a relationship don't allow yourself to go into the councillor or savior role mode with her.

Present who you are to eachother, don't become dependent and clingy on eachother and you may get a relationship built on genuine things and one you can both be happy with.

Like Westcoaster said though communicate clearly and find out where she stands with relationships first before proceeding.

 

[mtnkng]

Im just a noob, but....
it does smack of oneitis. Actually, more like a scarcity mentality.

There aren't any other women where you're at? She likes you, therefore, bang her?

Maybe a win/win is using her as social proof....

 

[WestCoaster]

Just for a clarification: If he was a professional counselor, I'm totally against this. He's not.

Mtnking probably has something with the oneitis, thus my theory in that not only should he be pursuing this woman, but also having a number of women he's dating.

The best line ever from this website is from I think Rollo Tomassi, who said, "A man is only as good as his options."

So yeah, keep your eyes open to other opportunities, too. I'm not against pursuing her. If she's having wild dreams about you, you've made a serious emotional/physical connection.

I'd suggest pursuing that.

 

[Sir Juanalot]

Im just a noob, but....
it does smack of oneitis. Actually, more like a scarcity mentality.

There aren't any other women where you're at? She likes you, therefore, bang her?

Maybe a win/win is using her as social proof....

To be honest, i have been too busy to really think about women with everything else that has been going on in my life lately, thats why this has kicked me in the ass a bit as i wasn't expecting it. I'll be free to do as i please in a couple of years when im financially free, and was putting women on the back burner while i achieved that.

Alright good follow up Westcoaster and thanks for re-explaining your position.

Just remember OP if you take Westcoaster's advice and you two decide to get into a relationship don't allow yourself to go into the councillor or savior role mode with her.

Present who you are to eachother, don't become dependent and clingy on eachother and you may get a relationship built on genuine things and one you can both be happy with.

Like Westcoaster said though communicate clearly and find out where she stands with relationships first before proceeding.

This was what i was thinking also, i am wary of messing her about and making things worse.

I really do appreciate your input on this, its really helpful.

Edit - 10 post limit reached, still reading, will respond tomorrow if i can, if not it wont be till Sunday

Edit 2 in response to persistent exaction - they are not divorced no, but he has another woman who he is talking about marrying. So its on the cards.

 

[mtnkng]

I don't want to be seen as though i'm taking advantage of her in her weakest moments, but also i don't want to leave it so long that i get friend zoned and miss out on the chance. I also want to avoid being "the rebound guy".
.....
I'm not really concerned about my friend, though if something develops, i will tell him, but its an awkward situation to be in.

So...you're concerned with appearances and need a go ahead to be oppotunistic?

Do you think any of your values/principles would be violated here? They're your values....so, the decision is yours to live with.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Women are ALWAYS in an emotionally fragile state. They'll b-ng a guy OR dump a guy if they're feeling good, bad, OK, great, or having a bad hair day, good hair day, whatever. It's not up to men to judge this fragile state and make a judgement on that. Now if you're screwing someone just after a funeral, OK, I have a problem with that.

A million years ago (sometime back in the Nineties...), I dated this girl who eventually broke up with me because she started to question my manhood, my macho-ness, my attraction to her, or whatever. And the reason why, was because she was "confused" as to why I didn't fukk her after I drove her home from her dad's funeral.

You see, even though her father had just died, and she was constantly embroiled in post funeral family drama, all the while having outbursts of wracking sobbing--------she wanted me to see THROUGH all of that and fukk her immediately after the funeral. BUT she never communicated this to me either verbally, or non-verbally through seductive or physically enticing body language.

So "I" , of course, not having become the Victory Unlimited that many of you know today, and also being SANE, had no clue that A DAY OF "DEATH" should make your "DIKK" hard--------focused more on just giving her a shoulder to cry on, rather than a Dikk to sit on. So I eventually went home that evening----having TOTALLY missed the point that she NEVER made.

Apparently, the fact that the thought of fukking a grieving, puffy-eyed, woman AT THAT MOMENT didn't cross my mind, was more than she could bear. So we eventually broke up, not JUST because of that, but that Non Funeral Fukking Fiasco definitely was PART of it.

For years afterwards, NONE of my friends even believed that this story I told them about was even true. They thought I made the shyt up. That is, until they saw the SAME scene played out on the screen in that John Cusack movie called "HIGH FIDELITY". In that movie, HE had a girlfriend INSIST that he fukk her after somebody's funeral so that she could FEEL "more alive". The only difference between Cusack's woman and mine was that HIS woman communicated this borderline INSANE thought process to him in some way.

I wasn't so lucky.

How this relates to the original poster is that it is my advice that YOU be aware that just as much as you might be considering using "her" for sex (or other things), she is MOST DEFINITELY using "you" for a VARIETY of things already.

YOUR mission is to decide whether or not fukking this friend of yours' ex-wife is worth WHATEVER changes that will take place in the nature of your THREE-WAY relationship.

And COUNT ON IT. There will be changes.

So BRACE YOURSELF, soldier.

 

[WestCoaster]

A woman who will hop into the sack immediately after her father's funeral is a little odd, IMO. Dodged a bullet there, Victory. This woman is emotionally unattached from life.

I just returned from a friend's funeral last weekend, I spoke at it, too. To be honest, I was (and still am) emotionally drained.

There's a lot of people disconnected emotionally in this world, that woman being one of them.

 

[youngwilliam]

Sorry if i missed this, but why did he leave her? And, as his best friend wouldn't you know why? It must be something you can tolerate. A guy who is thinking about dating his best friend's wife? I wish you were my best friend!

 

[WestCoaster]

Correction, best friend's EX-wife, there's a HUGE difference. He left her for another woman, that's just trivia, it doesn't matter why.

The woman is no longer his friend's wife. Maybe on paper, but that's it. That ship has sailed ... this seems to be confusing a lot of people. The 'bro's before 'ho's thing was hilarious. Her ex-hubby doesn't want her anymore, what's she supposed to do, sit back and not date for a required amount of time, say a year?

 

[Warrior74]

trust and believe...even though he cheated on her and left her...he still will get pissy about it. So what...fvck him. He shoulda stuck around if he still wanted that ass locked down. Game on bro.

 

[decades]

Correction, best friend's EX-wife, there's a HUGE difference. He left her for another woman, that's just trivia, it doesn't matter why.

The woman is no longer his friend's wife. Maybe on paper, but that's it. That ship has sailed ... this seems to be confusing a lot of people. The 'bro's before 'ho's thing was hilarious. Her ex-hubby doesn't want her anymore, what's she supposed to do, sit back and not date for a required amount of time, say a year?

they are not divorced yet correct?

 

[romangod]

The OP is not a DJ but an AFC maybe hoping to turn into a DJ.

As an AFC he thinks he can get a real relationship with an emotionally unstable woman and I as a DJ am basically telling him that is just not happening.

Ever.

For anyone.

Cheers! I couldn't agree more. The OP is playing with fire and most assuredly will get burned. He's been seeing her for 6 weeks and I assume he hasn't jumped her bones yet. She's drawing him in on an emotional level ready to devour him with the LJBF line just when he has the highest expectations and thinks she really wants a "nice" guy like him. She doesn't. Emotional tampons are like real tampons. Once they are no longer needed they are discarded with the other trash.

 

[WestCoaster]

I think perhaps in some instances we should emulate George Harrison, the late, great Beatle. When Eric Clapton (Harrison's best friend) told him, "I'm in love with your wife," Harrison responded that he should probably have her then. This was misinterpreted in that Harrison didn't care. He later explained it this way: He really cared about his wife but realized it was over and if anyone should have her it was his best friend because his best friend would treat her well.

OK, not everyone is as calm, collected, and non-tempered like that, but let's face it, her husband has opted out. Whether the paperwork is not done is a moot point, the marriage is kaput.

 

[( . )( . )]

Ok, first time asking for advice here.

Jeeezuz, no fvckin wonder with these piss weak answers your getting.

Sir Juanalot I apologize for these "moral" avengers trying to find justice and cause where there is none needed and sh!tting all over your legitimate query.

Mate, why not just ring your friend up and give it too him straight, tell him what you told us about the counseling history, original good intentions (even if it's a tiny bit of bullsh!t) etc etc, then just ask him "is it cool?" You know you can logically just put it to him on the level because he's another man like you.

Problem solved.


On a side note some of you guys really need to start focusing your thinking power somewhere else, reinventing the Holy Bible here with YOUR own set of morals and scruples is becoming really tiresome, lame and unhelpful. Why not start pulling your heads in .

 

[Latinoman]

My issue here is that he is using a "councelor" role in order to get into her pants. I mean, WTF? What about seeking strong women? I mean...is this some "Notebook" or "The Message in the Bottle" history line?

I still find it distasteful.

Too many women in the UK...so many options. Going for best friends' left overs.

For the record...I would NEVER get involved with an ex-wife or ex-girlfriend of a best friend. I personally find that very distasteful and disgraceful. But that's just my opinion. Not saying anyone has to agree with that.

 

[thedeparted]

Let's get real. The buddy is not going to do sh-t for you at this age. He's gonna be there to drink your beer or borrow your power tools. He already abandoned ship and you are already spending time with her. So loyalty is not a real issue.

However, the woman is not necessarily prime dating material at this point. She probably wants him back. She might like to have you for leverage. Make him jealous. Or maybe just make herself feel better.

Finally, trying to slide into home base from the friend zone is weak game. You won't get a lot of respect from her, others, or yourself, if you play it that way.

The manly thing to do: give her the body language that gets her interested. Kino. EC. Etc. If she bites and tries to pursue, let her get a little taste, then stop her cold and tell her straight up that you can't see getting involved with a woman married to your friend. That push-pull will build her interest in you and that self-control will win you respect. If she is serious, she'll start to think about leaving him for real. When she does, she's available, and you can proceed like with any other woman.

In the meantime, don't be surprised if there is a rebound guy, and keep your cool. Also, lay off the counseling service--that will just put you in the friend-zone. You don't want to be the guy who keeps the wife warm while your buddy games some other girls and then comes home to claim her, do you?

 

[thedeparted]

I think perhaps in some instances we should emulate George Harrison, the late, great Beatle. When Eric Clapton (Harrison's best friend) told him, "I'm in love with your wife," Harrison responded that he should probably have her then. This was misinterpreted in that Harrison didn't care. He later explained it this way: He really cared about his wife but realized it was over and if anyone should have her it was his best friend because his best friend would treat her well.

OK, not everyone is as calm, collected, and non-tempered like that, but let's face it, her husband has opted out. Whether the paperwork is not done is a moot point, the marriage is kaput.

That would be fine if he Clapton gave him a favorite guitar in return.