Best friends ex-wife

[Sir Juanalot]

Ok, first time asking for advice here.

One of my best mates just (well, about 6 weeks ago) left his wife for another woman. They had been together for just over 10 years. She is devastated, and very upset.

I've been a bit of an emotional tampon with her, as i used to do a lot of counselling, and made sure she wasn't going to just sink in a pit of depression.

Over the last 6 weeks, we have been seeing more and more of each other, and i am starting to have feelings for her. Obviously this is a sticky situation, both in her ex is my friend, and she isn't really in a position to make rational relationship decisions (not that women are rational ever!)

So, i'm left with a bit of a dilemma.

I don't want to be seen as though i'm taking advantage of her in her weakest moments, but also i don't want to leave it so long that i get friend zoned and miss out on the chance. I also want to avoid being "the rebound guy".

I get the feeling she likes me, we were having a drink the other sunday, and she was a little drunk and confessed that she had had a really dirty dream about me (to which i replied "was i any good?!" lol). Plus other clues, kino etc.

So, advice? anyone been in a similar situation?

I'm not really concerned about my friend, though if something develops, i will tell him, but its an awkward situation to be in.

 

[NewMan]

One of my best mates

You crossing a line

How can you say he's one of your best mates when your trying to bang his wife?

Bro's before Ho's.

Don't break the cardinal rule.

 

[Sir Juanalot]

You crossing a line

How can you say he's one of your best mates when your trying to bang his wife?

Bro's before Ho's.

Don't break the cardinal rule.

Well, she's not his wife anymore. And if it isnt me it will be some other random person

 

[Max Power]

I'm glad I don't have friends like you.

 

[Sir Juanalot]

I'm glad I don't have friends like you.

How so? If something was gonna happen, i'd sit him down and have a chat, and if he was against it, i'd back off.

He wouldn't though, i know him well enough.

 

[Phyzzle]

The thing is, if your friend finds out, you will be loosing him as a friend. You're right, it doesn't make much sense. You're right, it's not fair, but that's what will happen.

if he was against it, i'd back off.

He wouldn't though, i know him well enough.

Even if he says it's okay, it really won't be.

However . . . do you really care if you no longer know this guy? Is he a really a good friend? Or is he dead weight? I'm not saying you can't be with her, but be aware that you are going to be giving up this pal permanently for what might be a very short relationship with this woman. Is that worth it? Maybe.

 

[Sir Juanalot]

The thing is, if your friend finds out, you will be loosing him as a friend. You're right, it doesn't make much sense. You're right, it's not fair, but that's what will happen.



Even if he says it's okay, it really won't be.

However . . . do you really care if you no longer know this guy? Is he a really a good friend? Or is he dead weight? I'm not saying you can't be with her, but be aware that you are going to be giving up this pal permanently for what might be a very short relationship with this woman. Is that worth it? Maybe.

I just doubt very much that it would come to that, i've know him for a long long time, and we have been to hell and back together. He is happy now with his new woman, and i can't see it being an issue.

I've had friends ask me the same question on ex's and i've always said go for it, if you both can be happy with each other i'm happy for you both, i don't see why it would be any different in this case.

 

[Nelford]

Walk away Bro. There is a such thing called loyalty. This is a case where you practice it. There is a lot of women in this world and your best friend ex is the one you want.

 

[Sir Juanalot]

Walk away Bro. There is a such thing called loyalty. This is a case where you practice it. There is a lot of women in this world and your best friend ex is the one you want.

Theres also a thing called happiness, but it seems that you all think this is a bad move, which i will have to consider.

 

[Latinoman]

Sir...you are an AFC.

You don't have better things to do with your time?

 

[WestCoaster]

Give me a freaking break

Ok, let me get this straight: Our poster here is considered a bad guy because his friend CHEATED on his wife. Our poster here is considered a bad guy and an unfaithful friend because his friend LEFT his wife? Our poster here is not supposed to b-ng an available woman because his friend wants NOTHING to do with this woman?

Can we please close the AFC book right now? He has ever right to date, b-ng, have fun, wine and dine this woman. If his cheating friend has a problem with it, he's being AFC. The woman is fair game now, out on the market, and available. Sh-t, you're kidding me about playing the loyalty to a guy who took a vow to be loyal and broke it. Sheesh.

Actually, I think our poster should date others and have better fish to fry than this woman, but not because of his friend, just because he should find someone on a little more stable ground right now. That said, there is absolutely no reason to be loyal to a guy who cheated on his wife and wants nothing to go with her anymore.

C'mon guys, wake up.

 

[Nelford]

Theres also a thing called happiness, but it seems that you all think this is a bad move, which i will have to consider.

You are right and people will do what makes them happy no matter who they hurt. It's all about being happy, rock on.

 

[decades]

she is not his mate's property. She is fair game. However, she is in a fragile state and this is not a good time for either of you to be entering into an intimate relationship.

 

[KontrollerX]

Agree with Latinoman.

This whole situation you are entertaining getting yourself into screams lack of options.

As a councillor even a former one you should know also that you are exhibiting an extreme lack of ethics to move on this woman in her current emotionally fragile state.

I have played the therapist boyfriend role before and I will tell you it never ends well. Capn save a h0 always goes down with the ship alone.

You are absolutely setting yourself up to be the rebound guy and get all of the emotional pain that comes with it once she realizes how much you have violated her in an emotionally fragile time as well her emotions then all cleared up she will begin to yearn for the type of man she really wants as see no matter how much you self delude yourself now she is not interested in you.

No not really.

She is not looking to get to know the real you at this moment even though you might think you two are sharing a genuine connection. No what she is seeking is emotional relief and comfort and to feel good at this moment and whoever does this for her could possibly get laid and laid a lot but it in no way means you have a real relationship with her ie something that will last.

Even if she says what you both share is real these are only words of appeasement to hold onto her comforter until she is emotionally stable enough to move on with her life.

And you will not be a part of that moving on with her life process because once her emotions have cleared she will want to leave her pain and all things associated with it behind.

You will then come to the horrifying realization that you were only the pillow to cry on and she never really connected with you. You will look in the mirror and say after this "I am pathetic".

So don't do this.

Get out there and get some real options.

This whole situation is an embarassing disaster waiting to happen for you.

Steer the ship back onto solid ground, get off the boat and turn in your captain's uniform.

Leave the saving of this h0 to someone else.

 

[Latinoman]

Actually, I think our poster should date others and have better fish to fry than this woman, but not because of his friend, just because he should find someone on a little more stable ground right now.

That's exactly what I meant.

Also, I find it distasteful when a man uses the "friend" or "advice" approach for the purpose of getting involved with a woman.

 

[Sir Juanalot]

Agree with Latinoman.

This whole situation you are entertaining getting yourself into screams lack of options.

As a councillor even a former one you should know also that you are exhibiting an extreme lack of ethics to move on this woman in her current emotionally fragile state.

I have played the therapist boyfriend role before and I will tell you it never ends well. Capn save a h0 always goes down with the ship alone.

You are absolutely setting yourself up to be the rebound guy and get all of the emotional pain that comes with it once she realizes how much you have violated her in an emotionally fragile time as well her emotions then all cleared up she will begin to yearn for the type of man she really wants as see no matter how much you self delude yourself now she is not interested in you.

No not really.

She is not looking to get to know the real you at this moment even though you might think you two are sharing a genuine connection. No what she is seeking is emotional relief and comfort and to feel good at this moment and whoever does this for her could possibly get laid and laid a lot but it in no way means you have a real relationship with her ie something that will last.

Even if she says what you both share is real these are only words of appeasement to hold onto her comforter until she is emotionally stable enough to move on with her life.

And you will not be a part of that moving on with her life process because once her emotions have cleared she will want to leave her pain and all things associated with it behind.

You will then come to the horrifying realization that you were only the pillow to cry on and she never really connected with you. You will look in the mirror and say after this "I am pathetic".

So don't do this.

Get out there and get some real options.

This whole situation is an embarassing disaster waiting to happen for you.

Steer the ship back onto solid ground, get off the boat and turn in your captain's uniform.

Leave the saving of this h0 to someone else.

Cheers for the replies people, especially KontrollerX and WestCoaster.

Just to clarify, i haven't made a move on her precisely for the reasons above.

I could feel my objectivity slipping, and needed more opinions from unconnected people. KontrollerX, you speak a lot of sense. I guess i just didn't want to see it that way.

You are right and people will do what makes them happy no matter who they hurt. It's all about being happy, rock on.

I don't understand your point here, (hypothetically speaking) if all parties were happy, who is getting hurt?

That's exactly what I meant.

Also, I find it distasteful when a man uses the "friend" or "advice" approach for the purpose of getting involved with a woman.

I'm not sure what you mean here? could you explain further?

My concern was that if something were to happen, it would morally wrong, but i'm also feeling selfish too, and trying to get a handle on the 2 sides of the coin by asking you guys.

she is not his mate's property. She is fair game. However, she is in a fragile state and this is not a good time for either of you to be entering into an intimate relationship.

That sounds bang on, thanks.

 

[WestCoaster]

As a councillor even a former one you should know also that you are exhibiting an extreme lack of ethics to move on this woman in her current emotionally fragile state.

Wrong, it's not up to men to rate a woman's emotional state. If she wants to have a fling with this guy, they're adults and can handle it on their own. I've played the "this isn't the right time" gentleman card, and you know what happened? The woman just b-nged someone else.

Women are ALWAYS in an emotionally fragile state. They'll b-ng a guy OR dump a guy if they're feeling good, bad, OK, great, or having a bad hair day, good hair day, whatever. It's not up to men to judge this fragile state and make a judgement on that. Now if you're screwing someone just after a funeral, OK, I have a problem with that.

Actually this woman might feel the need to be attractive and wanted right now ... or maybe not. It's not up to us to make that decision for her.

He's doing nothing unethical in this, nothing. I think he should opt for someone else and let her get her bearings right now ... but you know what she's going to do while she tries to get more stable? She's going to sleep with someone else. You know this, I know this, and she knows this.

Don't be naive, I've been terrible naive before and it never helped me.

 

[Sir Juanalot]

Wrong, it's not up to men to rate a woman's emotional state. If she wants to have a fling with this guy, they're adults and can handle it on their own. I've played the "this isn't the right time" gentleman card, and you know what happened? The woman just b-nged someone else.

Women are ALWAYS in an emotionally fragile state. They'll b-ng a guy OR dump a guy if they're feeling good, bad, OK, great, or having a bad hair day, good hair day, whatever. It's not up to men to judge this fragile state and make a judgement on that. Now if you're screwing someone just after a funeral, OK, I have a problem with that.

Actually this woman might feel the need to be attractive and wanted right now ... or maybe not. It's not up to us to make that decision for her.

He's doing nothing unethical in this, nothing. I think he should opt for someone else and let her get her bearings right now ... but you know what she's going to do while she tries to get more stable? She's going to sleep with someone else. You know this, I know this, and she knows this.

Don't be naive, I've been terrible naive before and it never helped me.

Summed up perfectly, hence the dilemma and the original post.

 

[WestCoaster]

Summed up perfectly, hence the dilemma and the original post.

Have a quick fling, have some other women you're dating, too. Play the field, she can be part of that field. Have fun with her right now, she might want that. It's no freaking crime. I've changed my mind, just go for it. If you don't, someone else does and she won't turn them down.

 

[NewMan]

Ok, let me get this straight: Our poster here is considered a bad guy because his friend CHEATED on his wife. Our poster here is considered a bad guy and an unfaithful friend because his friend LEFT his wife? Our poster here is not supposed to b-ng an available woman because his friend wants NOTHING to do with this woman?

Can we please close the AFC book right now? He has ever right to date, b-ng, have fun, wine and dine this woman. If his cheating friend has a problem with it, he's being AFC. The woman is fair game now, out on the market, and available. Sh-t, you're kidding me about playing the loyalty to a guy who took a vow to be loyal and broke it. Sheesh.

It's a little more complicated than this.

He can bang who he wants - but he is not the moral judge of his friend - just because his friend is banging a piece of ass on the side, it doesn't make it OK for him to bang his wife.

Secondly, if i'm reading this right, his 'friend' is still married to her.

Most importantly, above all else - I hold loyalty to my friends, before I hold loyalty to some chick - if he bang's this woman, then he breaks that loyalty - no matter what the circumstances.

If a buddy of yours is screwing your wife, are you going to depend on him, trust him, confide in him in the future?

I'm glad I don't have friends like that.