Best friend is going threw hell

[frivolousz21]

His girlfriend/fiance of 4 years bounced.


well she left him about 5 weeks ago.

she is 22 almost 23.

he is almost 25.

they met late summer right when she got out of highschool..and they were together since, except for a 3 month period where he went to chicago for college, but came back and got back with her.

she for the longest time loved him.

up until 6 months ago.

DUN DUN DUN.....

she wanted to move in together...he kept saying it wasnt a good idea..but caved and bought a house.

after about 2-3 months of the living together, both working..living like 60 year olds..she clearly lost interest..from there...they started to argue.
and bam around Feb 8th or so..she left for 4 days...but came back...

he said when she was back....she was different, mean, moody, not interested in sex...

well she left again about 5 weeks ago...and this time isnt coming back...
she goes out with her friends a lot, she says she needs time, I dont know if there is another man...


but she talks to him everday or tries to call and text him as if he is still her partner.

he cant let go yet, he truely thinks she will come back..I guess this is denial stage...

we try to grill him on letting go...telling him its over....however the last week..we have pretty much given up and said he will have to figure it out on his own.


my biggest fear is that she will come back and ruin his ****.

personally, there relationship is over...she gave up everything to be his girl..made him the center of her life and now she wants her life back...and she feels like its his fault in some way...some sort of resentment..she associates him with a negative.

what do you guys think?

btw...the guy really isnt afc....not when they were together....he just got boring I guess.

he is acting afc now..and desperate

 

[The Bat]

Boring and AFC are synonymous. But alas, I'm not here to label or belittle him.

So who's paying for the house? Is he well established in his career?

Ugh, this situation is tough, man. When you know your friend is walking into a disaster. There is very little you can do because he will not stand to listen to logic or reason. The only thing you can do now is be ready for him when he needs you. You have to be strong enough to handle him when he's at his lowest.

How can she ruin him? What about all the furniture they bought? Whose is it now? Is that how she can come back and ruin him...by taking all the stuff out of the house? Again, who does the house belong to (i.e. is paying for it)?

His biggest priority should be taking care of finances right now. Keep your eye out for those problems and advice him the best to your abilities.

 

[KontrollerX]

Does your friend know about this place and the teachings about oneitis before getting involved with her?

In anycase you're just going to have to leave him to his fate for now as sometimes the only way people can truly learn something is the wrong course of action and the wrong way to go is to get screwed over royally, then feel the pain of their bad decisions proving they were bad decisions conclusively, then at that point the ego shield of "I was right everyone else was wrong" usually comes crashing down and he'll be ready to listen to you finally.

 

[decades]

there was another thread about this recently. Making a go of it with your high school sweetheart... The lesson is you don't set up house with these chicks. That was something you could in past generations but no longer. As for him, he has to learn his own lessons. But be there for him for when he needs you. And he will.

 

[Luveno]

Dude, its through, not threw. Please do not butcher the English language like that.

Your friend needs to be coached in the ways of the game.

 

[IPalindromeI]

By the time you get the "time/space" line, you can bet a large sum of money that someone else is involved and has been for a while.

Your friend is the backup plan for when this other guy gets tired of f*cking her or she gets tired of f*cking him.

 

[WestCoaster]

Let's put together Rollo's DJ Math: He was 21 when they met, he wasted four years of his 20's -- I'm angry just writing that last phrase -- to be with this woman. Four years of his EARLY 20's -- he ought to be punched for that.

Note to all DJ's, AFC's, and any men inbetween. There is this great decade where you have options galore, time to travel, time to date and be with many, many women, time to explore various career options. It should be before bills, mortgages, babies, divorces, or any other crap thrown your way when you get older.

The name of this decade is the 20's -- not the 1920's -- it's when you're 20-30 years of age. I've beat this like a dead horse, but few listen. Only the wise listen. Yes, I was the same way in my 20's, getting in a few long term relationships with toxic women, none good for me. Why did I do this foolishness? Well, I was a royal AFC and it was pre-internet, pre-sosuave and so forth.

Now all this information is at your fingertips and men/boys are still wimps, flushing their 20's down the toilet for one woman. Makes me wanna slap some guys upside the head, starting with the guy in this thread.

 

[Mr.Positive]

she wanted to move in together...he kept saying it wasnt a good idea..but caved and bought a house.

after about 2-3 months of the living together, both working..living like 60 year olds..she clearly lost interest..from there...they started to argue.
and bam around Feb 8th or so..she left for 4 days...but came back...

he said when she was back....she was different, mean, moody, not interested in sex...

well she left again about 5 weeks ago...and this time isnt coming back...
she goes out with her friends a lot, she says she needs time, I dont know if there is another man...


but she talks to him everday or tries to call and text him as if he is still her partner.

I think your friend and this girl got a taste of what "married life" was like when they moved in together.

Since they have been together at such an early age, she has never experienced any sort of adult dating life. Unless she cheated on him, the last guy she saw before him must have been in highschool.

Women, these days, seem to need to fulfill playing the field, seeking out other opportunities when they are in their early twenties. They can't just settle down, even with a great guy, until they've had enough drama to satisfy their thirst for drama.

Their thirst for drama is at it's peak around 21-23.

My guess, she got scared and wanted to experience things.

I also bet that she met some guy that sparked all this. She wants to see what's out there before settling down with your buddy.

The worst thing your friend can do is keep talking to her every time she calls or texts. She calls all the time to keep him on a short leash. She wants to keep him on the back burner. She must have control.

He needs to distance himself from her. You can help him with that too, by inviting him to things, keeping him busy.

Good luck, and good luck to your friend.

 

[frivolousz21]

I think your friend and this girl got a taste of what "married life" was like when they moved in together.

Since they have been together at such an early age, she has never experienced any sort of adult dating life. Unless she cheated on him, the last guy she saw before him must have been in highschool.

Women, these days, seem to need to fulfill playing the field, seeking out other opportunities when they are in their early twenties. They can't just settle down, even with a great guy, until they've had enough drama to satisfy their thirst for drama.

Their thirst for drama is at it's peak around 21-23.

My guess, she got scared and wanted to experience things.

I also bet that she met some guy that sparked all this. She wants to see what's out there before settling down with your buddy.

The worst thing your friend can do is keep talking to her every time she calls or texts. She calls all the time to keep him on a short leash. She wants to keep him on the back burner. She must have control.

He needs to distance himself from her. You can help him with that too, by inviting him to things, keeping him busy.

Good luck, and good luck to your friend.

I think your dead on...

right now he is in the excuses stage.

I think he is finally starting to grasp that she isnt in love with him or loves him enough to stay with him.

Ive over heard him say, "so you want to see other guys".

or "dont you love me anymore"

or he tries to project onto her how she feels...when she tells him she needs more time.

saying things like its just a phase, or this is real life, or I can take care of you.

its time he makes the CHOICE to let go and cut all ties..100 percent cut them...

he isnt anywhere near that yet...but when he makes that choice...it will hurt like hell, he wont sleep, eat well, or want to date.

but it will speed up this process 10 fold.

 

[My Name is Nobody]

My friends fiancee just left him too. They were together for 3 years and he bought her a 2,000 dollar ring. His kids loved her too and all of a sudden she "wasn't ready" to be a stepmom, and gave him the ring back after 3 years.

He called practically crying.

 

[DannykDJ]

I truly feel sorry for your friend and I wish him lost of luck. Please be there for him because when it hits him it's gonna crush him bad.

My gf of 1 year left me 2 months ago with the "I need space" line. The day before she told me she loved me. I know what it's like to be in love with someone who doesn't love you back.

Despite what some people here are saying he is not afc and doesn't have oneitis about this girl. He is genuinely hurt from losing someone he loves and had a very deep bond with. Oneitis refers to what people do when they are obsessed with a girl they've been with for a few weeks.

One of the requirements of life is having your heart broken. Everyone must go through it at least once. I am going through it right now and I can tell you it's not pretty. I don't want to eat, sleep, date, or talk to anyone at all. While I would like to say it makes you a stronger person, I don't think thats entirely true. I know the next woman who tells me she loves me is not gonna like the answer she gets.

I am slowly starting to think that no relationship can last unless both of the people are over the age of 25 and even then it's still hit or miss at that young of an age. Young relationships have a 100% failure rate because every 5-10 years each persons mindset about life changes and this puts people in different places.

You can't blame the other person for wanting something different than you in life. Unfortunately both women and men today are having a hard time maturing. Most peoples definition of experiencing life is just going to clubs, bars and having casual sex with strangers. It takes two fully mature people for a relationship to be successful, and in todays society that is asking for a lot. The divorce rate is so high because we are a society that demands respect, patience, and loyalty but fail to reciprocate any of those.

The only good thing about this is that he is still young and still has plenty of time to start over. I wish him the best luck because he is gonna need it. He is going to be in pain for a very long time no matter what you say or do. No amount of "DJ" mentality you try to give him is gonna fix this. Only time will heal him and when he is sick of crying and being a zombie he will stand up and make himself better.

 

[The Bat]

Despite what some people here are saying he is not afc and doesn't have oneitis about this girl. He is genuinely hurt from losing someone he loves and had a very deep bond with. Oneitis refers to what people do when they are obsessed with a girl they've been with for a few weeks.

The key is to not let this happen. I know that you can't predict other people's actions and behaviors to some extent. But you must not invest so much of yourself into another human being that your life comes crumbling down when that person leaves. It is foolish of them to leave you like that but it's even more foolish of you to present your heart and soul to the person in a way that reads, "Here is my heart and soul. Do with it what you must. I trust you because I love you." What total BS.

One of the requirements of life is having your heart broken. Everyone must go through it at least once. I am going through it right now and I can tell you it's not pretty. I don't want to eat, sleep, date, or talk to anyone at all. While I would like to say it makes you a stronger person, I don't think thats entirely true. I know the next woman who tells me she loves me is not gonna like the answer she gets.

Then your ex has already won. She has taken your soul away from you. If you're going to be that dependant on her that you'd let her actions predict how you're going to interact with future potentials, then what hope is there? Well, there is hope. For starters, you are on this site.

I am slowly starting to think that no relationship can last unless both of the people are over the age of 25 and even then it's still hit or miss at that young of an age. Young relationships have a 100% failure rate because every 5-10 years each persons mindset about life changes and this puts people in different places.

I agree with you here to some extent. Remember that there are always exceptions to any rules or laws.

As I told the OP, realize that I'm not here to label or belittle you. I'm pointing out the bitterness that is stemming from your posts. It's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and playing the victim mentality. It's time for action. More importantly, it's time for a positive change, soldier.

 

[Mr.Positive]

Ive over heard him say, "so you want to see other guys".

or "dont you love me anymore"

or he tries to project onto her how she feels...when she tells him she needs more time.

saying things like its just a phase, or this is real life, or I can take care of you.

its time he makes the CHOICE to let go and cut all ties..100 percent cut them...

he isnt anywhere near that yet...but when he makes that choice...it will hurt like hell, he wont sleep, eat well, or want to date.

but it will speed up this process 10 fold.

Agreed. He needs to completely move on, no contact. I know easier said, than done. One idea is to print out this thread..

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=126471

Joekerr's excellent "breaks" thread. If you printed it out, or formatted it for email and sent it to your friend...

He may get a big shock from it, though it could open his eyes and help him move on.

 

[Faded Image]

I no longer give advice to people I know in situations like these. I let it go until they figure out that it's a no win situation. If I see that the situation is becoming life threatening (love drives people crazy) then I'll step in recommend professional help.

Friv, the only way he'll see the light is if you do what you plan on doing and let him find out for himself.

 

[DannykDJ]

The key is to not let this happen. I know that you can't predict other people's actions and behaviors to some extent. But you must not invest so much of yourself into another human being that your life comes crumbling down when that person leaves. It is foolish of them to leave you like that but it's even more foolish of you to present your heart and soul to the person in a way that reads, "Here is my heart and soul. Do with it what you must. I trust you because I love you." What total BS.



Then your ex has already won. She has taken your soul away from you. If you're going to be that dependant on her that you'd let her actions predict how you're going to interact with future potentials, then what hope is there? Well, there is hope. For starters, you are on this site.



I agree with you here to some extent. Remember that there are always exceptions to any rules or laws.

As I told the OP, realize that I'm not here to label or belittle you. I'm pointing out the bitterness that is stemming from your posts. It's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and playing the victim mentality. It's time for action. More importantly, it's time for a positive change, soldier.

I know what you're saying and I am very aware that all of my posts seem bitter about my ex. If it's bothering you guys this much you can only imagine how bad it's annoying me, and it does bother me that something has this much pull over me.

I understand what you're saying about not making your life revolve around one person, but at some point you do have to invest yourself into the other person if you want the relationship to be all it can be. I am in no way saying
"Here is my heart and soul. Do with it what you must. I trust you because I love you." I mean that at some point you do have to allow yourself to develop feelings for the other person, and there is always a chance it's gonna burn you. Never doing that is like saying if I don't invest anything I can't lose anything

And when I said that the next person that tells me they love me won't like the answer I meant that my initial response will no longer be to say I love you too even if I feel that way towards them. Instead I will say something like it's great that you care about me, but words are cheap and if you really do love me you will show me through your actions and not through your words. No more investing myself based off assumptions or how i think that person feels at that given time.

Getting hurt in a relationship is not the end of the world. Lots of guys including myself are hurting right now, it's no big deal. It lets us take the next step to growth. A trainer once told me that if you're not in pain you're not growing no matter what it is you're doing.

 

[jophil28]

Despite what some people here are saying he is not afc and doesn't have oneitis about this girl. He is genuinely hurt from losing someone he loves and had a very deep bond with. Oneitis refers to what people do when they are obsessed with a girl they've been with for a few weeks.

Well said. It is not any man's "fault" when a woman turns out to be a callous deceiving baitch. WE are not responsible for the way that they conduct themselves. WE are only at "fault" if we stay around and suffer more of her crap when her facade has dropped along with her Academy Award winning "act " . Eventually her true character will emerge (2-6 months) and the 'Games' begin.

 

[frivolousz21]

one of the hardest things i hear from him is.

I Know her.

I Know her.

I Know her.


you did know her..but she changed..your young and she changed...you dont know her now....not like you did...you met a 18 year old girl....now your dealing with someone who is 22 almost 23 who has been stuck on that 18 year old....give my man everything mentality.

I told him before that they need more balance..


when she was 20, 21..I said make her go out with friend to parties and bars, let her have a good time....you guys are way to young to be like grandpa and grandma.


one major red flag was this:

on superbowl sunday....we went to a bar with a group.

her father(51), his best friend(49), his wife of 12 years..not her real mom(50)

Me(25)my friend(24), another male friend(24), another male..who is one of her best friends boyfriends(37)(he just got out of the army rangers)
her(22) her friend(23).

alright..so thats all of us there.

one of our friends the other 24 year old is shy with women..we always give him ****..so we bought him shots of bacardi 151..and got him nice and toasty. the old guy jk. the 37 year old called me a pyssy for not drinking....as a idiot..I did shots of 151 with him....we did 4 shots in 2 hours..we were lit..having a great time watching the game.

her fathers group drank beer..her father is like a 50 year old boy...great guy, fun free spirit.


anyways, it was halftime...and she was having a great time with everyone...and he said well I gotta go home for work tomorrow.

it was around 8 pm..and he gets up at 6 am.

he lives 10 min from this place.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

about 3 weeks ago...I was talking to her best friend...she told me she called her that night nearly crying saying she cant stay with my friend anymore and she is miserable living like they do.


Now....I get that its not for everyone to out and party or drink at a bar.

I WARNED HIM...ABOUT THIS....for nearly a year before this...I told him he is being a lame ass and she even would joke that he is boring when we were at social gatherings...

its by no suprise this went down.

now he has gone out everyweekend since then and drank with his friends, he is even getting a Tatoo..I gues he is lashing out.


what I gather from this..is to have 100 percent open communication.

observe her behavioral patterns for signs of complacincy.

he could still possibly have a nice relationship if he would of listened...I hate to say that..but she told him hundreds of times she wants to go out more, she is bored.


and now he will go back to being "youthful" until he meets another women

 

[LeftyLoosey]

Firstly I'd like to compliment DannykDJ on a very good post for saying it for what it is.



If you don't let this happen, you don't get to LOVE, or do you not understand that? You will understand it IF you get to that stage. Words cannot do it justice. Many of those who have actually BEEN in love will agree with me on this.

There are men who bang women, see then regularly and have so called "relationships" with them. And when it's over they are none the worse for wear. You will find that these relationships are not particularly deep, and "feelings" were never on the line. Now compare this to being in a relationship with someone you REALLY, REALLY care about (don't ask me why, it just happens), and you can understand the pain and all the other negative emotions that goes with it when a split happens.

Hey! I didn't know Dr. Phil had an account here!

Hey Phil, nice to meet you. Or is it Phillis? With responses like those you are closer to a female in mindset than any real man.

 

[Brandonc662]

Hey! I didn't know Dr. Phil had an account here!

Hey Phil, nice to meet you. Or is it Phillis? With responses like those you are closer to a female in mindset than any real man.

thats some funny SHlT

Everyone is assessing the situation of why she left. Its irrelevant. You need to help your friend by trying to get him to think logical without his emotions fogging up his perception. Explain this to him. Tell him to think as if it was you who this was happing to. What would be logical for him to do, leaving his feelings at the door.

 

[odietamo]

This thread needs a JoeKerr post.