Being too much of a cold fish

[ChristopherColumbus]

If I were in a relationship, I would set clear boundaries. And these would largely be unspoken because the woman [or the girl in her] would not only intuitively know what they are but would also desire them [if this is lacking, then so too is the potential for a proper relationship]. Boundaries are definitive of belonging.

As for social media, I would want full access to all platforms. Preferably, she would not feel the need to use social media much.

 

[ohrein]

Iron Rule of Tomassi #1

"Frame is everything. Always be aware of the subconscious balance of whose frame in which you are operating. Always control the Frame, but resist giving the impression that you are."

"frame is NOT power"

https://therationalmale.com/2011/10/12/frame/

I'm not sure you understand frame completely. Have a read and see if it aligns with your actions and thoughts.

 

[ohrein]

"Frame in a larger perspective isn’t something a man can compartmentalize and make specific from one arena in his life and not in another. My last three essays State Control, Submission, and Family Integrity are really explorations in this Meta Frame ownership. A lot of quick-hit Game proponents, as well as ‘Life Coaches’ like to repeat the mantra of how women are attracted to confidence in a man, but what they’re really selling is the idea of a man owning the Frame of his life. Confidence with his career, family life, friends, his status and confidence in understanding the base nature of women from a Red Pill aware, and how to use it to his advantage, are really all aspects of a strong Frame control.

Confidence is the result of having real, actionable options, and/or the self-understanding that a man’s past, provable, successes mean he can regenerate new options for himself. Confidence is certainly an aspect of solid Frame, but it is not Frame itself. Neither is confidence the result of one simply convincing himself he ought to feel more confident by thinking positively. Confidence is the result of having developed a mastery to successfully generate realizable options, and from that understanding comes solid Frame control."


https://therationalmale.com/tag/frame/

 

[AJ84]

Hey DJs, thank you all for a very constructive thread and discussion!

an updated field report;

We spent the weekend together, and I took the opportunity to talk to her, set down some ground rules (which she agreed to without any objections) so I will be gauging her actions going forward.

here are some of the things that came up over the weekend;

• We continued to air out about that big argument. She said she thought that I had something serious going on with the ex because the ex was talking passionately about "We need to solve this now and I wont leave until we talk" and she stared down the ex until the ex walked away. So I just clarified things with her telling her me and the ex have nothing and that it's not the last time this will happen, there are other exes that are just as passionate but that I have no interest in the past. I also clarified that when I'm finished with someone, they never hear from me again. I always keep the past in the past. I stressed that part.
  
• I asked her what she's looking for and what she wants. She said I want you. I said, do you mean you want exclusivity? (flipping the script so that she is the one to assert that, and make it known that its her desire) and she said so what are we? it seems she thought we were already naturally in a relationship. I still did not give her a clear answer. Dropping her off home last night, once again she asked "so babe are you my friend now?" and I just replied with "so that's what you really want darling?" and she left with a smile
• now re the quotes she has been posting on pinterest lately - it seems they had nothing to do with me directly. In our conversation yesterday evening, when we were talking about my ex I told her that my ex called and send messages this week but that I just ignored her. That they will continue calling or texting but they wont get a reply from me. So she brought up the fact that HER EX IS REACHING BACK OUT TO HER. She CLAIMS the last time was 2 weeks ago, and that he told her "can we please talk". Now, for those who saw my other threads - I reported how she went out about 2 weekends ago and I went out too, and I called her around 4am to tease her and she didn't answer my call but sent me 3 texts right after with "baaabe", "I'm alive", "on my way home", ...... then 25 minutes later she tries calling me about 3 times but she didn't hear from me until late sunday night or monday morning if I can recall. Then the following week, she was being very unusual. She would leave me on "read" or answer me much later than her usual 5 minute time frame replies. Then last weekend whilst having sex, I thought she was about to *** when she broke down crying. And then these quotes she pinned last week. So it's making sense now, her behaviors - and if her behaviors are indicative of the ex boyfriend reaching out to her, it means that he still affects her on an emotional level and she may be trying to repress it or trying to get over it. I told her that I find it strange she would still have her ex as friends on facebook and haven't blocked him on either fb or whatsapp or phone. She said that she feels it would be "weak" on her part, and that it would show that she can't be free with having him there and not wanting or not talking to him. But I cant see why she would still want to be accessible to him.
  
• What confuses me is that as much as I have been "alpha" and in many ways "unavailable" to her, she continues to chase me, and treats me well, and this past weekend for example we had sex like 6 times straight, so the sex seems to be getting better and her "desire" doesn't seem to be waning at all, the contrary it seems to be getting higher. But I have been told that this could also be a sign that she is cheating???
• so i told her that the only reason a man will continue to contact a woman is if she answers, even if denying him or telling him to **** off. there's no more powerful language than silence. So I said to her that she is answering and thats the reason he's still reaching out to her, after so much time they've "broken up" - about 2 or 3 years. Why is he still in the picture? but she said that she doesn't answer him and that he still tries to talk to her and that he just wants to be "disgusting"
• We spoke about some boundaries in relationships and what are things that I will totally not accept. I said to her that she has the freedom to do whatever she wants to do. But if I see or hear about her doing some of these things, she can forget about me forever. She sure understood what I was telling her
• I also told her what being in a relationship with me will be like (again, living in my frame) - and told her that some weekends I want to the traveling, some weekends I'm on my purpose and will have business to take care of, and some weekends I want to relax. So she questioned if she has been insistent on us doing things (I saw this as a red flag) and usually I would deflect the question but I answered and said "well, sometimes we're traveling and you're already telling me "so babe when will go here or there" or "babe so when are you taking me to ________ " ... and I finished off by saying that I go where I want to go and she is welcomed to come. Implying that I won't take her where she wants to go (I am not dropping in her frame). She lastnight on the way to dropping her home, she randomly brings up "babe I don't want you to think that I'm just around because of the trips. I want you to know it's much more than that. It's much deeper than that. The trips is just a bonus". again, words sounds nice but why did she find the need to mention that? I always tell her - i don't buy words I buy actions. This left me thinking. Is she guilty and wants to dissuade it?
• I did say to her "you know what, I appreciate that you want to share things about your past relationship. However the past has served its purpose and it should stay there. Unless you haven't closed off, and if thats the case then you can go your way, then there is no need to continue discussing it". So she says she understands and that its true. (someone had suggested on SoSuave to lead her to sort of "cut the past" and thats a decision she has to make on her own, but with a man's leadership. It's like allowing her to leave it behind.)

I'm monitoring her behavior. And I will monitor the situation with the ex-boyfriend and eject quickly if that is what it boils down to.

it is a big red flag however. hence the reason I did not out rightly commit to a relationship.

@BeExcellent what would your lady wisdom advise in this case here? thanks!

Let me get this straight:

You literally told her what you expect from her yet you are not being clear with her where she stands with you?

Good luck with that.

Too much drama and insecurity from both of you. And never ever, verbally tell a girl how you expect her to be in your frame. Show, don't tell. Example - she comes into town on a day that you planned to go to a friend's BBQ. She wants to go see a movie instead. "Ok, text me after the movie and you can meet me later at the BBQ".
If you have to tell a woman how to be in your frame, she won't stay in your frame. Plus, in a LTR no girl is ever going to be 100% in your frame 100% of the time unless she's a doorknob. Successful LT relationships require compromise which is why some people can't handle being in them.

It honestly sounds like you are trying to apply too much of whatever you learned about game and there's a time and place for that.

And yes girls will react to your game with their own and she is doing that with you, example telling you about her ex reaching out to her after she found out your ex contacted you.

This one up, second guessing, monitoring and referring to game strategy to decide your next move is going to make dating her less and less fun, for you, and more and more like work.

I'm not saying don't use some of that stuff, but only use what's actually called for.

And stop over thinking it. And use condoms

 

[ohrein]

@AJ84 is spot on and this is what @Macaframalama was talking about too. At some point you need to internalize game so that is no longer a game. If you're trying to "win" with women, you're still operating from weakness (a desired outcome and/or ego investment). We must kill the beta (https://therationalmale.com/2011/11/21/kill-the-beta-2/) completely in order to have real frame. Overtly controlling a woman's behavior based on the insecurity of losing her or being disrespected is not frame and likely means you're investing in the wrong types of women and/or you are ego invested too heavily. The worst argument I've had with my girlfriend in 7 months was over her driving. Nothing she's done has required an attempt to control her (and I wouldn't anyway, I would simply show or tell her I am displeased) and if she notices my displeasure she usually defers to me for direction. I don't have to do anything.