Being married. Do you enjoy it or not?

[Augustus_McCrae]

Every man needs to be fully aware that marriage is a legal contract. Nothing less, nothing more. If you think it's something else, you are fooling yourself. It is a tool of the state and society that has nothing to do with love or a monogamous relationship.

And if your long term marriage ends, you will most likely wind up in court. And the divorce laws favor women, not men. And if you make more money than your wife, you may have to pay her alimony for the rest of your life.

Yes... The rest of your life.

If I had fully understood this as a young man, I would never have gotten married.

Just be aware that you fully understand this before you enter into that legal contract (yes, that's what it is) with a woman and the state.

 

[cordoncordon]

Not married. Never have been. Though I am living with my gf of 3 years (lived together for 1 year so far) and I could not be happier. Who wouldn't want to wake up to this every morning.
http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/69/rose44444.jpg/

 

[AlNess]

I don't look at marriage as something fun or enjoyable per se. It's like raising kids. Does that seem like fun? Not really. People find it rewarding, but it is also very hard work. Obviously many people find benefits in marriage but for the most part, married people also tend to live more sedate, routine lives. They also tend to be bound by more commitments. After all marriage is about "commitment" and "settling down."

As zekko mentioned, it's common to have the point of view you have about marriage at age 27. I basically had that point of view until I met my wife at age 33.
As for raising children "seeming" like fun: it didn't "seem" fun to me when I was 27; but then again, I was focused on other things in my life at that time (typical younger guy stuff), and there was no way I could imagine myself as a dad or as dad material back then. Now at age 38, I love raising my 6-month-old daughter, and she is my #1 priority. What one considers "fun" changes throughout life.

the novelty factor always excites me. I feel like right now even if I was doing Meagan Fox or Jessica Beal, I'd get bored after a while and I'd want to bed other girls.

That is normal, and is known as the Coolidge Effect. Nobody is immune to that, but I think that it becomes easy to deal with once a guy finds himself in a relationship that results in a reshuffling of priorities and values.

 

[easun]

That is normal, and is known as the Coolidge Effect. Nobody is immune to that, but I think that it becomes easy to deal with once a guy finds himself in a relationship that results in a decline in testosterone.

Fixed for ya.

 

[AlNess]

Fixed for ya.

It's been reported that fatherhood can result in a decline of testosterone.

If that's the case, then I'm blessed to be able to pay such a tiny price for something so awesome.

Like I said...a reshuffling of priorities and values.

 

[disgustipated]

Do you think after a certain age of not ever being married or having kids, that you're a bachelor for life?

I'm starting to feel this way. I'm 37 now. I swear I get all giddy when starting a relationship but something clicks "off" at a certain point where I'm like, I could take her or leave her. Maybe I've been settling for less in terms of attractiveness.

This past weekend with this new girl. We go out, she stays the night we have fun. Upon waking up I'm expecting her to do her norm and go home etc etc. She kinda invites herself along to do some stuff I was gonna do and I wasn't super against it. Maybe I shoulda been in hindsight but I didn't forsee what would happen. She ends up basically dragging it out into a whole nother full day over here with me. To me that's not abnormal persay if a girl is into me but my thing is now, I think I've been so used to having personal alone time to recoup my thoughts that I couldn't wait for her to leave. Like maybe I'm broken now and no matter how hot a girl is I'd eventually need that space?

At the time I really really for sure wanted children and the marriage thing, I was with my oneitis who cheated on me and kinda soiled that whole notion for me. Definitely a bad connection with that thought now when the rug was yanked out from me back then in my 20s.

The sex is crazy and good with this one but I'm already bored. Maybe her clinginess/neediness is contributing to that I dunno. I like her but I'm not crazy in love with her and haven't felt like that in a looooooooong time.

 

[zekko]

It occurs to me that it's no surprise most of the guys here enjoy their marriages. Men in general tend to be content with their marriages. Rollo always says men are the more romantic gender, after all.

The question should be posed to the women, I bet you'd get some interesting answers. Women are the ones who usually file for divorce, for instance. Women are more likely to have unreal expectations. And there's a saying: The wedding is for the woman and the marriage is for the man.

If women in this day and age would just honor their commitment and stay married to their man, I bet there would be a lot less complaints and misogyny on this forum.

As for fatherhood lowering testosterone, that's something that happens to help the male keep from straying while the kids are being raised. This just gives scientific proof that monogamy IS natural, at least in the short term.

 

[easun]

Yeah. My point was, however, that this "reshuffling" was only a consequence of temporarily shifting hormone levels. Take this "reshuffling" too far, and what you get is a woman who files for divorce many years later.

This just gives scientific proof that monogamy IS natural, at least in the short term.

It doesn't prove that monogamy is natural. It proves that men have the ability to pair bond and raise children. Not all men throughout evolutionary history were the ones raising the children. Far from it.

 

[zekko]

It doesn't prove that monogamy is natural. It proves that men have the ability to pair bond and raise children. Not all men throughout evolutionary history were the ones raising the children. Far from it.

Of course it shows monogamy is natural. The testosterone decreases so that the male can focus on providing for the female and the children, instead of being out catting around. That doesn't mean he is raising the children necessarily - the female can raise the children while the male provides for the family. If the male's only purpose is spreading his seed, there would be no reason for the male to stick around, and no need for the decrease in testosterone.

However, to clarify:
I am NOT talking about lifelong monogamy. I'm saying it's natural for a male to remain monogamous for a number of years to pair bond and care for the family to give the offspring a better chance to survive.

Also, I am NOT saying that it is unnatural for the man to spread his seed around and be polyamorous. I'm saying that the human male is equipped to do either, or both. Humans are very adaptable, and their natural intelligence and large brains make them capable of making decisions beyond merely following their animal instincts. The ability to adapt to different environments and situations make a species far more likely to survive.

 

[bmp2cpm]

13 years married. No children. She's made some mistakes, I've made some mistakes, but we're still together. There are days I'm very happy and there are days I'm very unhappy. Over the years, I have checked out other women. To this day, I haven't come across a woman I would rather be with long term. We get along really well on the days we don't drive each other crazy.

Also, there are a lot of things on this forum that can be applied to a marriage.

 

[AlNess]

Yeah. My point was, however, that this "reshuffling" was only a consequence of temporarily shifting hormone levels. Take this "reshuffling" too far, and what you get is a woman who files for divorce many years later.

Well that goes without saying. I wasn't referring to going to an AFC extent...I was referring to a healthy change of priorities required of a mature married man/father, ie. being a great, available dad who provides and protects, plays a big role in the child's life, looks out for his children's interests, has put the single guy lifestyle to rest, etc.

 

[easun]

Well that goes without saying.

Does it really, though? This forum wouldn't exist if that were the case. It sounded to me as if you were putting married life on a pedestal. But I understand what you are saying.

 

[Desdinova]

I like being in LTRs. Marriage? I've been there once. In my opinion there is no benefit to signing the legal document. Why can't you have a happy and successful LTR without the legal document?

So if you're asking if I like the benefits of being in a LTR, the answer is yes.

 

[zekko]

I like being in LTRs. Marriage? I've been there once. In my opinion there is no benefit to signing the legal document. Why can't you have a happy and successful LTR without the legal document?

I like LTRs also, as far as I'm concerned there's nothing better. I know parts of the PUA community will call you a chode for that. But I wipe my @ss with what the "community" thinks.

If you have children I can see some benefit to being married, although that probably makes it all the more risky. I can think of a few other benefits:
If you're in a job that doesn't provide health insurance you can get some through your spouse if her job does.

Also, if I stay with my girlfriend eventually I would like to marry her so that I can pass my estate on to her without her having to take a huge tax hit. I'm not getting any younger, after all. People a lot younger than I have dropped dead. But about the time I married her, she'd probably decide to get a divorce lol.

 

[strey]

Do you married guys enjoy it?

its like a timid version of hell. it sucks.

"marriage is a punishment for shoplifting in some countries."- Wayne responds to Garth in Waynes World when Garth asks Wayne if he wants to marry Cassandra.

 

[FairShake]

The HAPPIEST people I know are people in happy, healthy marriages.

The most MISERABLE people I know are people in...or recovering from...sad, destructive marriages.

I know some lifelong single people too...they aren't as happy as the happy ones or as sad as the sad ones but they do tend to be lonely and needy as hell. I guess it's a safe route though.

The only thing I can say is good marriage rocks and it's stood the test of time because it is a natural inclination for the majority of people. But remember to take your time and vet, vet, vet.

 

[Spinning Spinning]

I'm married and i'm unhappy. My wife simply isn't the person i got married to anymore. Considering we were together for 8 years prior to marriage and lived together for pretty much 6 of those years i don't understand what changed it all once we tied the knot and it makes me angry TBH. It's like she witheld her real self to me until we actually did the deed. And I'm not just talking about in the bedroom like in the Oral Sex and Marriage thread , little things like for instance:

She wont wear makeup or perfume as it's "toxic" and will give her 5hit like cancer, She constantly ignores any hints I give her with regards to how I'd like her to look. Around 6 months ago she put on makeup for some event and i told her she looked beautiful. Her response was that she would now wear makeup from now on. Lasted all of......well she didn't put it on again. She moans about not looking good and stuff but wont do anything about it.

Because she's turned vegan and wont eat anything normal she has awful breath but of course she refuses to use proper toothpaste as it has chemicals in it. No listerine for her no way that 5hit is toxic. What a forking turn off.

She started washing my clothes with all natural detergent and refused to let me use proper stuff in OUR washing machine. this resulted in me going to work and my armpits smelling after a few hours. Problem being when I'd get home and take my shirt off my armpit wouldn't stink at all but my shirt would. It was so embarrassing sitting in a meeting with people meny levels above me and having smelly armpits. I told her about this many times but she just kept going. Now fair enough i can wash my own clothes but bear in mind not in our washing machine with real detergent. So now my business shirts go home to my mum (how fkn embarrassing).

This is just the tip of the iceberg but an example of many things that changed as soon as we married. It may sound petty but add them all up and combine them with the issues in the bedroom and it really takes it's toll on the relationship.

So we argue all the time, more often than not she won't even say hi when she comes home, she'll just point out that the house is a mess or the dishes haven't been done. She'll hop into bed at night and demand that the TV is turned down to an inaudible level because she wants to sleep. She constantly bemoans the fact that we're not rich (we are not poor) and craves material objects. So I get us a new car and within 4 months she stacked it with scratches all over it. She'll reverse and slam back into drive before she brakes whilst it's still reversing. So she gets her car but treats it like crap. Once again just showing examples this isn't everything.

We also have son that's 16 months old we both love him to death probably the only reason I'm still there.

I want to leave her but I know it would destroy her. I don't think she realises how bad things are or maybe she tries to reassure herself that things are OK. During arguments she'll talk about breaking up and leaving but I know she's bluffing. The other day we argued before work and she texted me saying she was going to her mums. I didn't reply cause I was over the 5hit and just wanted some time to myself but sure enough she texted again with a different attitude asking me if I'd cheered up and that she wasn't going anywhere.

What's the scariest thing? I speak to guys 10 years older that tell me it just gets worse from here.....go figure what do i do? I have a 16 month old son FFS. I can't stop thinking about other women as I'm still in my prime sexually but am getting nothing and TBH I want nothing from her the spark just isn't there and she's done nothing to try and reignite it.

So why am i saying all this? Just remember you never know a woman properly and until you're married to them. If you find things aren't going well make a conscientious effort to improve them but if they don't you need to make the hard decision. The grass always seems greener but it's scary 5hit guys especially when you've been with the missus for so long. Don't end up in the predicament I'm in.

I truly hope someone can learn from my mistakes.

One more thing, FWIW, my missus is pretty hot. She is slim toned and has pretty much the best body I've seen naked in my time. looks aren't everything as I'm sure you know.

Just reading Augustus' post we are not legally bound by contract as we married in Greece and the certificate is not recognised here. Not that I'd want my wife to go without, I'd laways do the right thing. Maybe a good idea would be to get married in Europe.

 

[HariPoter13]

You reap what you sow.

 

[betheman]

I'm married and i'm unhappy. My wife simply isn't the person i got married to anymore. Considering we were together for 8 years prior to marriage and lived together for pretty much 6 of those years i don't understand what changed it all once we tied the knot and it makes me angry TBH. It's like she witheld her real self to me until we actually did the deed. And I'm not just talking about in the bedroom like in the Oral Sex and Marriage thread , little things like for instance:

She wont wear makeup or perfume as it's "toxic" and will give her 5hit like cancer, She constantly ignores any hints I give her with regards to how I'd like her to look. Around 6 months ago she put on makeup for some event and i told her she looked beautiful. Her response was that she would now wear makeup from now on. Lasted all of......well she didn't put it on again. She moans about not looking good and stuff but wont do anything about it.

Because she's turned vegan and wont eat anything normal she has awful breath but of course she refuses to use proper toothpaste as it has chemicals in it. No listerine for her no way that 5hit is toxic. What a forking turn off.

She started washing my clothes with all natural detergent and refused to let me use proper stuff in OUR washing machine. this resulted in me going to work and my armpits smelling after a few hours. Problem being when I'd get home and take my shirt off my armpit wouldn't stink at all but my shirt would. It was so embarrassing sitting in a meeting with people meny levels above me and having smelly armpits. I told her about this many times but she just kept going. Now fair enough i can wash my own clothes but bear in mind not in our washing machine with real detergent. So now my business shirts go home to my mum (how fkn embarrassing).

This is just the tip of the iceberg but an example of many things that changed as soon as we married. It may sound petty but add them all up and combine them with the issues in the bedroom and it really takes it's toll on the relationship.

So we argue all the time, more often than not she won't even say hi when she comes home, she'll just point out that the house is a mess or the dishes haven't been done. She'll hop into bed at night and demand that the TV is turned down to an inaudible level because she wants to sleep. She constantly bemoans the fact that we're not rich (we are not poor) and craves material objects. So I get us a new car and within 4 months she stacked it with scratches all over it. She'll reverse and slam back into drive before she brakes whilst it's still reversing. So she gets her car but treats it like crap. Once again just showing examples this isn't everything.

We also have son that's 16 months old we both love him to death probably the only reason I'm still there.

I want to leave her but I know it would destroy her. I don't think she realises how bad things are or maybe she tries to reassure herself that things are OK. During arguments she'll talk about breaking up and leaving but I know she's bluffing. The other day we argued before work and she texted me saying she was going to her mums. I didn't reply cause I was over the 5hit and just wanted some time to myself but sure enough she texted again with a different attitude asking me if I'd cheered up and that she wasn't going anywhere.

What's the scariest thing? I speak to guys 10 years older that tell me it just gets worse from here.....go figure what do i do? I have a 16 month old son FFS. I can't stop thinking about other women as I'm still in my prime sexually but am getting nothing and TBH I want nothing from her the spark just isn't there and she's done nothing to try and reignite it.

So why am i saying all this? Just remember you never know a woman properly and until you're married to them. If you find things aren't going well make a conscientious effort to improve them but if they don't you need to make the hard decision. The grass always seems greener but it's scary 5hit guys especially when you've been with the missus for so long. Don't end up in the predicament I'm in.

I truly hope someone can learn from my mistakes.

One more thing, FWIW, my missus is pretty hot. She is slim toned and has pretty much the best body I've seen naked in my time. looks aren't everything as I'm sure you know.

Just reading Augustus' post we are not legally bound by contract as we married in Greece and the certificate is not recognised here. Not that I'd want my wife to go without, I'd laways do the right thing. Maybe a good idea would be to get married in Europe.

Sounds like a living hell, Id be spelling it out to her, she s not the person you fell for, its time to cut loose or change

 

[Colossus]

The HAPPIEST people I know are people in happy, healthy marriages.

The most MISERABLE people I know are people in...or recovering from...sad, destructive marriages.

I know some lifelong single people too...they aren't as happy as the happy ones or as sad as the sad ones but they do tend to be lonely and needy as hell. I guess it's a safe route though.

That's probably the most honest, simple assessment of the marriage conundrum I've read.

Being single for life certainly involves less risk, but I dont think most people can really get the most out of life that way. It sounds great on paper, but you will inevitably be lonely and needy, because there isnt someone there to meet your most basic human emotional needs. You have to rely on friends, which are sporadic at best. They have their own lives.

I will agree however that the most miserable people I have seen are the chronically lonely and the people in SH!T marriages. There is no hell like a bad marriage.