Being described as safe, same thing as nice?

[vorbis]

Social game has always been something I've been poor at. I've never actually managed to hook up with a female acquaintance that I'd have known for a period of time. I've always felt more comfortable approaching women in an obvious "I want to date / f*ck you" manner.

There's this girl who's a friend of my friend's girlfriend. I'd have known her now about a year. I was with someone when my friend first started going out with his girlfriend. I'd be friendly with all of the friends in a general social sense.

Anyways, fast forward to a weekend away there a few weeks back where there was a group of us staying at a house. I felt she was warming up to me a bit, laughing at some jokes and punching my arm when I teased her about something. I wouldn't be shy around her but everything just felt like typical friends banter.

I should have made some sort of move on her on one of the nights we were there but a combination of not being sure what to do and cowardice stopped that. I'm a bit nervous about any possible awkwardness if I made a move and she shot me down. This being the main reason I prefer approaching randomers.

The interesting thing was that on the last night there, she jumped into bed between me and another guy at 3 in the morning. Something about the couch not being comfortable. There weren't enough beds to have your own one so obviously bed sharing was going on.

My friend was teasing her about this afterwards and she said that she reckoned the other guy was completely out of it and that I was safe??

Tbh I know I'm being chicken here but I don't want to make a move on her unless its fairly obvious she's into me. My negative view of safe is that she views me in a completely non sexual way. Is this overly pessimistic?

 

[jophil28]

The interesting thing was that on the last night there, she jumped into bed between me and another guy at 3 in the morning.

... and she said that she reckoned the other guy was completely out of it and that I was safe??

THis a classic example of why we never believe what women say, rather believe what they DO. She got in bed with two guys, one of whom she flirted with earlier - YOU!...
Her message was clear as was her plan, but her ASD kicked in and so she ran her mouth to disguise her intentions... she explained the bedhopping thus ,"the couch was uncomfortable". Her comment about your being "safe" is priceless. It is standard female reverse psychology. She was not seeking 'safety' she was seeking a little action.

I would have tossed a leg over her , had a 'sneaky one' and have her bite down on a pillow.

 

[vorbis]

The thought did cross my mind jophil28. She woke me up as she was getting in but I was fairly well out of it. I thought making a move with my mate sleeping at the other side of the bed would be a bit odd. My worry was about what would happen if she shot me down. Although tbh, a girl climbing into bed next you, its fair game to take a shot at her I guess??

I think I need to totally reframe how I view these situations. I seem to be getting very worried about upsetting people where I should be taking the view that she's an attractive girl, she's single and she climbed into the bed next to me at 3 in the morning. Why wouldn't I try it on?

I mean if I as a guy climbed into a bed between two girls, it'd be seen as a bit odd.

 

[DavenJuan]

the bigger problem....

Originally posted by vorbisTbh I know I'm being chicken here but I don't want to make a move on her unless its fairly obvious she's into me. My negative view of safe is that she views me in a completely non sexual way. Is this overly pessimistic?

you ARE SAFE... whether or not she actually THINKS this or not.


SAFE.. is waiting to show interest in a women until it is painfully obvious that she is interested in you first

SAFE.. is NOT making a move, in hopes of keeping your "gentleman" card in tact

-----

let me ask you a question. ....

when it was time to leave this place... did it really make a difference if she

1. climbed into bed because she thought it safe to do with you..

versus

2. climbed into bed hoping that you make a move and you didnt..>>



"all that we are is the result of what we have thought"

it doesnt matter if she thought you safe.. because IF, this was a true thought of hers, it would have been irrelevant the minute you made your move and proved her otherwise.

I would not be so concerned with others perception of me, but moreso concerned with what your perception is of yourself.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Safe; also see "Harmless", "Non-threatening" "Passive"

 

[Jeffst1980]

Your standard operating procedure should be to assume the sale in such a situation. If she was to reject you after jumping into bed with you, it would be HER social misstep, not yours. You would just be acting appropriately as a confident man.

You have much more to lose by playing it safe; it subcommunicates insecurity and a lack of social intuition. In light of a clear advance like that, you either have to make a move or else unequivocally reject her.

No sane woman is going to describe you as a "creep" for making a move on her after she jumped into bed with you.

 

[vorbis]

Thanks Jeff, that was more the advice I was looking for. I felt like such a chump afterwards. You're right, not making a move made me feel like a f*cking enuch.

DavenJuan I don't really understand what you're getting at. If I made a move and she responded great, if she didn't then I was worried about coming across as a creep.

I have to agree though that I am coming across as harmless with girls that I know. Any specific tips for changing this. Its not even about scoring as much as being viewed as a sexual person.

 

[Colossus]

"nice" can mean different things, depending on the context.

"safe" is just a synonym for harmless, non-aggressive, or lacking in balls.

Personally, I wouldnt make a sexual move on a girl I hadnt received any IOI's from. Some guys would, but not really my style. The key is you have to strike when the iron is hot. Once a girl has shown interest (assuming you are also interested), you cant deliberate waiting for the safest time to make a move. You'll be sunk for good. Just do it. Chances are you'll get some. If you dont, you'll get that much tougher for the next time.

 

[Jeffst1980]

Thanks Jeff, that was more the advice I was looking for. I felt like such a chump afterwards. You're right, not making a move made me feel like a f*cking enuch.

DavenJuan I don't really understand what you're getting at. If I made a move and she responded great, if she didn't then I was worried about coming across as a creep.

I have to agree though that I am coming across as harmless with girls that I know. Any specific tips for changing this. Its not even about scoring as much as being viewed as a sexual person.

Kino is the way to go, 100%. It shouldn't be forced or even done out of sexual desire, though--just casual, light touches. It should begin with the interaction and come across as completely natural.

Kino demonstrates that you are quite comfortable touching a woman. It sounds silly, but this is very important--most guys are NOT comfortable. Without kino, you eventually hit a roadblock where you can no longer escalate because the psychological barrier of touch has not been broken. If you wait too long to use kino, this barrier will make it seem forced, sudden, and creepy. If you use light touching from the outset, the option to smoothly escalate later remains available to you.

 

[Jitterbug]

It'd be incredibly RUDE to a woman if you don't make a move when you have her in your bed. Might as well call her "fugly" or "boner killer" to her face.

 

[Tazman]

Yeah, that's pretty standard. If an attractive girl puts herself in your personal space it should be an automatic response from you to take full advantage. In fact, in doesn't get any easier than that as it's impossible to lose face under those circumstances if she isn't receptive to you.

 

[Slickster]

I should have made some sort of move on her on one of the nights we were there but a combination of not being sure what to do and cowardice stopped that. I'm a bit nervous about any possible awkwardness if I made a move and she shot me down. This being the main reason I prefer approaching randomers.

Tbh I know I'm being chicken here but I don't want to make a move on her unless its fairly obvious she's into me. My negative view of safe is that she views me in a completely non sexual way. Is this overly pessimistic?

It's good that you are recognizing some of your flaws. Are you attempting to improve these things?

A little story from just last night...

A friend and I got in from a boat trip quite late. After loading the boat we stopped in the pub which over looks the marina. The pub was pretty dead only one other table. The waitress was pretty cute and after a couple beers we were both chatting her up pretty good and she was seeming a little charmed by us. I invited her to sit with us for a drink seeing how the place was dead and there was no manager there. She said maybe a little later and we didn't press it. She kept coming back however to talk with us and it was obvious that she was showing some interest. I told my buddy that he should try to get her number and after a little pep talk from me he made his attempt. As we were leaving he went over and made a little chat and asked for her number. She said she'd love to give it to him but her boring boyfriend was at the other table. He was super positive about the rejection and she actually said thank you for asking and that he really made her night. I can almost guarantee that she would have coughed up those digits if he wasn't there.

Moral of the story is that even if you get rejected there is nothing lost and you've probably given her a little ego boost to boot.


Making your move on this chick would have been the "natural" thing to do.

Go with it man!! Nothing to lose and everything to gain.

 

[Tictac]

Vignette

Vorbis,

The school nurse at my kids' school has been hitting on me for a while. We shared some drinks a while back and have been talking, texting, etc. She's a looker and divorced. I let this thing lapse into being a 'safe' guy.

Recently, I said in a text, "I'm a good man. I am no longer a nice guy."

The floodgates opened. Underneath the 'nurse Nancy' front is a temptress with baby blue teddies and a straightforward and open minded approach to sex. Its been a revelation and fun. But I don't let her dream that I'm going solo with her anytime soon. Se could be happier about that. But that's her issue, not mine.

As for not moving on your girl with a guy next to you, that is what I would have done. Too many unwanted complications and possibilities there for me. You may be different.

Others have said 'nothing ventured, nothing gained'. True. And not much to lose either. Use your skills and your head and see what happens so long as that's on your terms.

Tictac