Been dumped, but she keeps contacting, why?

[QuadDeuces]

Ok background story
Me and this girl met travelling through Asia and Australia 5 months ago.
During the honeymoon I was always initiating and leading her from one adventure in to the next. I took her out in the bush, took her on campingtrips in the middle of nowhere, showed her around in Asia, she adored me.
Then the money ran out and we both had to find work in order to stay.
She found a job in notime and I couldnt find jack****.
I felt truely immasculine and started to cling on for fun.
Knowing deep down that this was going to burn the ship, even more tension started to arise. I was a constant anxious about her going to leave me for being so anxious (paradox hey)

Anyway she wanted a break because she couldnt handle bein around me anymore. (I knew this was the soft breakup)
And a few days later she texted me about not flogging a dead horse and LJFB.
I texted her back that I dont do friendzones and if she could block me on FB for at least 2 months. (because her profile is public removing her will still make it visible)
She declined "why are you blowing all of this out of proportion"
Anyway fast forward, Ive got a really good job no which starts monday and is my main prio, and the anxiety and depression have cleared up so much.

But the ex texts me every 2 days that she wants to meet and how I am doing.
And when I put up pics on FB of myself climbing mountains and having great adventures fun without her, she started commenting and liking those.
Also old pics of me working on my car and me in my basketball team pics, so I know shes been going through my whole FB profile, why?

Not even an hour later she puts on FB how she went clubbing and had such an amazing night until 6 oclock with exclamation marks and stuff.

I know Im the prize, but she txted me yday she wants to meet in a bar tonight and "celebrate my job"

Why does an ex want to celebrate something with me?
Is it im ignoring her (pretty much) that she seems interested again or is this a ****test that this is going to be me seen crawling and begging?
Anyway I agreed and wil see her tonight but Im going there lightheaded will not mention "us" and only talk about my life and the positive changes thats coming up.

What is her agenda and do you guys think that if I can show her my restored dominant confident the world is mine me, instead of the depressed me I was last 6 weeks that I can take her back if she agrees?

 

[QuadDeuces]

Apologies for the spelling, I wrote this on my phone.

 

[window]

bottom line is she wasn't there for you when things weren't going that great for you...

 

[sodbuster]

AGREE, when it got a bit tough for YOU, she left. She will expect you to stick around if SHE has problems...but if you have a temporary setback...she's gone again

 

[QuadDeuces]

Good point, indeed I went to the hospital 5x when she had Cervix bleedings and our sex life plumited to zero for 3 weeks, still I stuck around. (although I cheated once, but she doesnt know)

Sometimes I think being dumped and "love" is more about your own ego than it is about the girl.
Anyway its always too bad for everything you have emotionally invested, and starting from scratch again.

 

[zekko]

My guess is the reason she keeps contacting you is any or all of the below:

1). She genuinely misses you, you did have a good time together after all
2). She wants to friendzone you and keep you around for validation
3). Things are looking up for you now so she's inteterested again.

 

[Alvafe]

more on 2 and 3 from zekko if you ask me, I say keep her on ignore and move on, you cheated her, so pretty much you don't care about her anyway so find one you don't feel like cheating her.

 

[user43770]

I agree but I would add an addendum to #3. If she's interested again, her interest will only last so long as she can be reassured that you miss her too AND/OR you are totally okay with being just friends with her.

If she knows that you still pine for her, in spite of your outward projection of having moved on and living your awesome life, it will satisfy her ego. "He's not THAT happy without me. I'm still the prize," she'll subconsciously conclude. The only way she can draw this conclusion is if YOU give her the evidence. She will attempt to extract this evidence by "showing interest."

Otherwise, if she sees that you have moved on, she'll want to know for sure that you are 100% not angry/upset with her. She will do this by reintroducing the friendship offer. Her consolation for not being the object of your pining is that at least you aren't mad at her and are willing to remain her orbiter. This soothes her ego and rids her of the guilt she may have felt for ending it.

I don't recommend you demonstrate any ill will; however you should not jump at the chance to be her orbiter either. Rather you stay your course. Don't meet up with her. Remain too busy to reply right away. When you do reply just say "yeah let's hang soon" but don't follow up. Keep her on the back, back burner.

You do this not for the sake of playing games, but to maintain the healthy attitude you've adopted. You can be her friend if you want, but only if you know deep down inside that you 100% over her. She may try to ply you with sex. Her "party posts" on FB sound like they are signaling sexual availability. You can do that, too, but again only allow yourself to if you know you are emotionally over her. Otherwise she will turn the tables on you so fast you won't know what hit you.

These are predictable, natural patterns from females. They always come sniffing around at the moment you've moved on. As a general rule, stick to no contact whenever possible for own mental health. It is a form of gamesmanship but only by default and you are really "gaming yourself" into moving on if that makes sense.

Good post, bud.

 

[origin138]

I think Samspade nailed it perfectly.

If I were in your shoes, I'd try to keep it very simple.

I would go on with my life and devote 100% of my effort to my journey. When she shows interest, I would determine how well she fits in with my journey. If she fits, then I'll make some effort to reconnect with her and see where it goes.

The real problem lies in her fickleness and the real question is how does that behavior impact you when it happens? If you are genuinely unfazed by her hot/cold behavior, then by all means keep her around in whatever capacity you want to. But if her fickleness is causing you frustration, which I sense it is or you wouldn't be posting here, you have to ask yourself if this woman fits in with your aims as a man. If you became terminally ill, this woman would be in another dude's bed. Would you be OK with that? Is she the woman of your dreams? Does she make you happy when she bails on you?

This woman lacks any kind of long term potential, at least in my book.

And to answer your question, she keeps contacting you to solidify her own ego. As long as she knows you still want her in some way, she'll feel better.

 

[nismo-4]

This is one case where you really need to look at yourself.

If she's there only in good times, would she have any place in your life? I hope not.

If a woman breaks up with me, I see that as a sign that she's the wrong one and that I need to drop her out of my life. I don't keep up with my exes, nor do I go back to them.

Judge nismo's ruling is for you to assess yourself. She probably found out that the better deal wasn't so great or she just wants you for attention. Regardless, I don't see any good here that is for you.

Case closed.

 

[QuadDeuces]

OK met up with her and it was a disaster, her body language was closed and it wouldnt surprise me if her friends (who dont like me) had talked into her.
Started off with really casual chit chat, but after 15 minutes the awkward silence came. "So here we are" I said.
Then it all came out, I told her I really loved her and wanted to try again.
She told me the best time of her life was with me. But were not meant to be together.
Anyway a little drama started and there was no potential left I guess
She also told me she was over it and didnt seem to care.
I told her I wanted to go, felt sick about it.
She definately had the upper hand in the situation. Everything stagnated, i had a beer too many and got very AFC.

Well maybe its for the best I turned AFC, now I dont have to worry about her coming back. I blocked her FB, removed her family and roommates, now its time to move on. Although it does hurt.

She insisted wed still be friends, and was so surprised I said I dont do friendzones. She also told me she loved me and wanted to be in my life forever.
Well my last bit of manhood is not letting her do that to me.

Why the hell does she wants to be in my life forever??
Im so confused about these mixed signals. Time to go NC and heal, and focus on my carreer.

 

[QuadDeuces]

Its funny though how I can go from so dominant to so AFC, and be aware of it happening.

 

[origin138]

Time to go NC and heal, and focus on my carreer.

Bingo. The more in charge you are OF YOU, the more on lockdown YOUR LIFE IS, the easier all this becomes.

There is always a direct connection between AFC behavior and not honoring yourself as a man and losing sight on the 2 things you can control: how you act and how you react. Lesson learned.

 

[BMX]

Too late. Mission failed. You ignored everyone's advice and met up with her. I hope she enjoyed her EGO TRIP. Now you have no choice but to go NC, delete her number and block her on facebook. If you truly live in Amsterdam, then rest assured, you can find other women (plural) easily. You CAN NOT remain friends, but you can remain as her PUPPET so she can further manipulate you when she feels lonely and undesired.

 

[QuadDeuces]

I read everyones advice a little too late, I live in Sydney at the moment.

The funny thing was, I thought I had it under control, went for a 7km jog on the beach and took a sauna beforehand, to kill the fear of meeting up. And the first 15 min went allright, I was lively, enthusiastic. But then when the inevitable subject was touched, a dark cloud arose, which f'd it up and sunk it too the bottom. Learnt something from myself though.

Experience is the best teacher I guess.

 

[MikeOck]

Why the hell does she wants to be in my life forever??

Simple: because having someone around who is in love with you is a great ego booster. When she gets down, she could just call you and you would cheer her up. Unfortunately, (or rather, fortunately for you) she has already shown that when YOU get down, she will not be there for you.

If nothing else, you got some closure out of this. It's over. Let her go and don't look back. You need a woman who will stick by you in good times and bad.

 

[zekko]

This is the great thing about screwing up and going AFC. You messed up, now you know it's over. You can move on and not sweat it. Let her keep her ego boost, who cares? You're off the hook. She was the wrong girl.

Like Mike said, she wants to keep you around as a friend for an ego boost and validation. This is easy for her to do since she's not in love with you.

 

[Alvafe]

I read everyones advice a little too late, I live in Sydney at the moment.

The funny thing was, I thought I had it under control, went for a 7km jog on the beach and took a sauna beforehand, to kill the fear of meeting up. And the first 15 min went allright, I was lively, enthusiastic. But then when the inevitable subject was touched, a dark cloud arose, which f'd it up and sunk it too the bottom. Learnt something from myself though.

Experience is the best teacher I guess.

our main problem we always think we are on control then we trip and make it worse, lost battle, retreat and choose another battle to fight. after teh 15min you should have leave but, well like me learned the hard way.

 

[Czech]

Now you understand how shallow women can be.

bottom line is she wasn't there for you when things weren't going that great for you...

Dead on.

Tell her you will call her, and then don't. LOL!

 

[QuadDeuces]

Im now doing a little research on Personality Disorders.
Guess after the break up you do a little more analyzing and since I have had a previous relationship with a BPD, Im looking at the traits this girl showed.
Her father had died when she was 18, shes 23 now. I asked her how she felt about that, she said: "Fine Im over it now" with a smile on her face. She was very self centered could only talk about clothes, girlfriends, day to day things, need to buy food, need to do laundry, tonight is a great party i will meet [girl friend] but never about what emotions she had, or stuff like that. To say the least my interests were not really her concern. Very apathic.
She loved to party and get drunk, is very seductive, Ive seen her do the female charm smile to get in nightclubs for free. She also had 2 sides of herself, she always looked hot walking the streets, nice clothes, seductive smile, very well spoke , nice hair all these rugbyplayers hitting on her, and walked around like Queen Elizabeth.
Wheres when she had her make up off she could be really childlike, which I sort of loved about her.

So my guess is because of the emapthy and shallowness I was dealing with an HPD or NPD here. Definately not BPD since the have an overload of emotions, whereas she has not.

Anyway not my concern anymore, but it might give me the feeling I was lucky to avoid the death dance.