becoming a couple

[slickjesse]

Hey guys. Last year I hung out with a beautiful and fun girl. We had a good time and she enjoyed hanging out with me. Her personality is one that is very sarcastic and not open with her feelings but her actions showed her interest. I wanted her to be my girlfriend but all the advice i recieved was to not bring it up...to wait and let her. Well time passed and no talk ever happened. Eventually i got bored with the way we were stuck in this hang out period and i got back with an ex-girlfriend. I recently broke up with this girl that i got back with. Right around that that time I had a conversation with the girl that this post is about. She told me how random it was that I all the sudden had a girlfriend and i could tell she was upset. I told her the truth. I told her that I really liked her and that I wanted us to be a couple but i felt like she acted like she didn't want that type of thing and was happy with how we were. She told me (near tears it sounded) that thats just her personality and that she would have been my girlfriend and that it was just something she expected me to bring up and she never would.

Well now we've been hanging out with her again. And sure enough, all I want is to be with her. Even though once again, despite what she told me, I have that fear that shes happy with the way things are now. Anyway, I believe that the advice of waiting for the girl to bring up a more serious relationship is a good theory, but I know this girl and know that shes an exception. What would be the best way to talk to her about this and ask her without sounding....for lack of a better term...AFC.

 

[Ebach]

You don't ask. You make a move.

 

[Cheiradawg]

This chick sounds wierd to me. She has something in her head that is messed up.

When she started crying and said "it was just her personality" that is a huge red flag. Normal chicks that like you want to tie you down- it is just their way.

This girl has some issues. I'm not a pop-psyc but sense "she would never ask to be your gf" it might be a clear sign that she is afraid of something be it expressing her needs, being close to another person, or whatever it could be alot of things.

The main point thus far is that this chicks is NOT normal!!! 9or atleast doens't sound normal)

Now, if you still like her despite this then it is pretty clear that she wants to be your gf but is afriad to ask. So if you want her to be your gf then you have to ask. The logic behind waiting for a girl to have "the talk" is that it PROVES to you that she is interested, and it gives you power. Also it is to NOT be an anti-challenge/ nice guy in her eyes.

But see you already have crossed this line with her and expressed your feelings for her. The cat is out of the bag you aren't fooling her anymore. (or who knows she sounds unstable to me to say the least) She started crying and said that she liked you after that.

So it is pretty clear that you didn't sound AFC to her when you told her that you wanted to be her bf.

So I don't see how the waiting for her logic applies here, because you didn't wait for her you already told her how you felt.

 

[Ebach]

Normal? What's normal? Most chicks don't express their wanting to be your gf directly. They would ask their girlfriend to come talk to you or pass you a paper but those are high school games. I'm assuming you're college level and those games don't work that much there (well they do but they seem childish to most especially the ones who want you so bad). I think she's clever and she might be taking you for a spin here. Are you her only friend? Has she had previous boyfriends? How good do you know her history?

 

[Cheiradawg]

Originally posted by Ebach
Normal? What's normal? Most chicks don't express their wanting to be your gf directly.

All mine have.

Hell, she might be clevar and want to take him for a "spin." She might be so evil that she would willingly hang out with him alot and have a good time just so she could trick him and rip his heart out. Oh yes man you have tagged her right. She must be an evil b****, who spends her days constantly plotting and scheming to put up a front so well. Thanks for setting me staright damn all these b**** can really break a guy if we don't stick together and be a**holes so they are put in their place.

 

[slickjesse]

thanks for your responses. she does sound pretty messed up when i shrink it down to my little story but in reality shes not. shes just isn't someone who shows affection verbally or really wants to let on how much she likes someone. to answer ebachs question about her history....she's extremely attractive and has many guys after her. basically any guy that meets her....however she rarely gives them any positive feedback, which is why im pleasently suprised that she likes me so much. she has a lot of friends and guys after her but (male) friend wise she spends time with me more than anyone by far and she calls me frequently. she just doesn't like many people and is easily annoyed by dumb people, similar to my personality, so we almost connect in that way.

 

[squirrels]

Originally posted by slickjesse
all the advice i recieved was to not bring it up...to wait and let her.

You got some bad advice there. Well, half-bad. No, you don't "bring it up," but you DO move in that direction and make it happen. If you sit around hiding your affection she's going to assume that affection doesn't exist...that you're not attracted to her.

She told me how random it was that I all the sudden had a girlfriend and i could tell she was upset.

She's jealous.

I told her the truth. I told her that I really liked her and that I wanted us to be a couple but i felt like she acted like she didn't want that type of thing and was happy with how we were. She told me (near tears it sounded) that thats just her personality and that she would have been my girlfriend and that it was just something she expected me to bring up and she never would.

So you "brought it up" after all. As if it wasn't awkward enough. Guys don't sit around and "discuss the status and direction of relationships." If you want something, take it.

By the way, that bit about "she expected you to bring it up and she wouldn't,", she means she expected you to be the MAN and take charge of the situation...to drive her in an intimate direction and create the situation for the sparks to fly.

Well now we've been hanging out with her again. And sure enough, all I want is to be with her. Even though once again, despite what she told me, I have that fear that shes happy with the way things are now.

Well, you have two choices here:

1) Sit in your corner afraid that you might "upset" her and keep being her friend despite the fact that it's emotionally traumatic for you and you'll never get what you want out of the relationship, or...

2) Be a MAN, take control of the situation, start driving it in an intimate direction, and make it what YOU want it to be. The worst that can happen is that she won't be into you that way, like you said, despite the indications to the contrary. But it's better than sitting there never knowing and hanging on listlessly.

Anyway, I believe that the advice of waiting for the girl to bring up a more serious relationship is a good theory, but I know this girl and know that shes an exception. What would be the best way to talk to her about this and ask her without sounding....for lack of a better term...AFC.

There is NO way you can "bring it up" without sounding "AFC". You can't sit around and discuss attraction, because discussion is a rational thing and attraction is a physio-emotional thing. Any attempt to discuss "the status of the relationship" is going to seem like an awkward negotiation.

What you can do is:

-smile a little more broadly
-hold eye contact with her more aggressively
-speak to her in a more intimate voice
-initiate physical contact with her more regularly
-initiate more intimate physical contact/proximity
-create situations where the two of you can be intimate

Most importantly, stop HIDING the fact that you're attracted to her because you're afraid that she might "find out." You WANT her to find out...if she doesn't find out then you'll never get off the ground with her. But you don't TELL her about it, you SHOW her.

And again, worst thing that happens is she just likes you as a friend or you already waited too long and "AFC'ed" out. Then you just learn your lesson and move on.

 

[slickjesse]

i agree with everything you said, i just wanted to say that i already do all the tips you gave. when we're together it is physical.