Be yourself...

[Metalixia]

Hi,

I just wanna post my thoughts on all this, just to see if there are others like me... I don't intend on insulting anyone, or their beliefs.

Most guys will aggree that the advice, "just be yourself" is the worst advice anyone can get.

I disaggree. I think the problem is, people think that being yourself means saying unnatural cheesy lines to impress girls, or tell them all your problems.

I see so many people fall into the trap of thinking they're a player. Trying to act like such a ladies man, trying to be a bay boy, or a jerk.

Why can't people just be themselves? Stop trying to impress, stop trying to use "techniques" and "methods" to get girls. Why can't people just concentrate on having a good time, instead of trying to "score".

It saddens me that so many people put so much effort into seduction, and treating it like a science or contest, and becoming obessessed with techniques.

Why can't people just enjoy the moment?

 

[solace]

I agree.

"Players" and "seducers" are naturals (they don't read "Player" books to get their knowledge since it is all gained from experience and natural behavior) and those who try to behave like them are actors. An actor can only play a role for so long before his act is revealed.


Concentrate on having fun and just meeting a lot of new people and you are bound to run intoa decent some who will accept you for who you are. The big problem with many is that they do not know how to behave once they have that person.

 

[pancakepalace]

I don't see any problems reading advice on this post, but I must say that I would take one very long and practice to internalize all what is said.

For a few years this player-to-be would indeed look like an actor. But once he transcends what is said, maybe things would get better...

 

[RipItOff]

Being "yourself" is lazy.

Really.

It's an excuse. If you're not out actively trying to better yourself, then you're falling behind.

Success with women, etc, is not residual. If I do less today then what I did yesterday, then I let myself down.

Now think about this--repeat what I just typed to any woman and then compare it to, "but I just want to be myself!", and let them tell you which is sexier.

 

[SELF-MASTERY]

I think the goal is to be a better you. You dont need to lie and pretend to be a player. I am most successful when I just act, no thought, I just live in the moment. Learning conversation skills and self-respect shouldn't kill who you already are.

 

[Gravyboat]

I think part of the problem is people start to confuse "being yourself" with being "too comfortable in the relationship."

Complacency.

Things like...

-Feeling free to complain about work all night
-Telling all of your deepest, inner-most feelings
-Discussing every issue you've ever had with past relationships
-No longer presenting a challenge of any sort

There's a difference between "being too comfortable in a relationship" and "being comfortable WITH YOURSELF."

The former kills attraction. The latter maintains it.

When I think of someone who's comfortable with himself, here are some traits I envision:

-He doesn't try to impress people--he lets them come to their own conclusions about him.

-He's not afraid to be honest about what he likes and doesn't like, and he doesn't change his opinion of those things just for the sake of agreeing with a woman he likes.

-He doesn't act one way with one group of friends, another way with a different group of friends, and yet ANOTHER way with his girlfriend. Fickle behavior and opinions scream insecurity.

Those are just some thoughts I have on this particular subject. In a way, it reminds me of the "nice guy" argument, because the true meaning of the phrase "be yourself" (just like "I want a nice guy,") often gets misinterpreted.

 

[coldcoal]

People who have experience dating have learned to recognize positive and negative triats they have seen in people before. So we basically have this self-built structure of red flags and green lights to use based off of personal experience. It just so happens that a lot of people have had the same experiences.

"Techniques" & "Methods" were essentially designed as guidelines on how to recognize & avoid sending common red flag signals. It's suppose to be a subtle art of conscious affairs, not so much a seduction in itself. Seduction is our own style once we clear the landmines.

The problem with "fake" players and the "Just be yourself" crowd is that they often don't understand this.

All this place really is, IMO, is a guideline on taking an active roll with signals rather than being passive and leaving things to fate.

There is not much seduction here.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Hmmm,..lets see,..

Is the woman who applies make up everyday 'being herself"? How about the woman with implants, is she 'being herself"? What about the woman wearing high heels becasue it makes her legs look fantastic in stockings? Lets turn it the other way, what of the woman wearing a business suit that emphasizes her shoulders with pads in the jacket is she 'being herself"? If she colors her hair does this make her less genuine?

If being ourselves is an idealized state then I should reasonably be able to expect a like-minded fitness model to be attracted to me even if my greatest passion is to sit on my couch, eat a large pizza and wash it down with a 6 pack of Michelob while watching Monday Night Football, rght? Afteral I am just being myself.

The hardest distinction the uninitiated have with the JBY (just be yourself) dynamic is that personality is malable. You define what being yourself is at any given moment and it's relative to your personal conditions and environment. So where do you draw the line? When does a genuine change of character become legitimate rather than being 'shallow' or 'superficial'? Those are just catch terms that women have used with success over the centuries and men have internalized as being states of perception that women think are undesirable, yet they never accurately define. Rather they stay intentionally nebulous and relative to individual women's interpretation, while their behaviors indicate their own motivations.

You are who you believe you are, and you are who she perceives you to be.

 

[Tazman]

Damn Rollo T., I understand and agree with your logic, it's a shame I'm not as articulate.

 

[picard]

The adage of "being yourself" is hogwash. It doesn't work for most men. We aren't born casanova like Italians. Italians are naturals in picking up women. We have to work hard to pickup women just like doing a job search.

 

[Mike24ct]

My Take on JBY

I thought about the JBY thing for a long time. I think the problem is most guys CAN'T be themselves around a woman that they are very attracted to, even if they wanted to.

It's easy to be yourself when you're hanging with your best buddies, but not so easy when you are chatting with an HB9 or HB10, unless you are a "natural" ladies man or have a LOT of experience with women.

Most guys, even if they drop all "techniques" and try to just be themselves, will still project nervousness, fear, self-doubt, and have very needy body language that will turn the woman off. Only women with, shall we say, a liability, i.e. fat women, single mothers, much older women, etc. will tolerate a guy that IS NOT "relaxed and normal" around her. Attractive, successful, desirable women will be turned off right away.

So, in my mind, DJing and ASFing, whichever you prefer, is about gaining experience and losing your fear around women so you CAN eventually drop the "techniques" (training wheels) and be yourself.

By then, being yourself WILL FINALLY WORK with desirable women because you'll be able to be totally cool, confident and congruent since you lost any fear/doubt/attachment through massive experience i.e. approaches. You will then have an "unconscious competence" with women.

I think Tyler Durden said it best, "Pickup is the art of acting normal."

The sad reality is, most guys, including myself, have to LEARN how to be normal around women. It doesn't come naturaly to most guys.

If you tell an AFC to "just be himself", he's still an AFC, and my money is on he still won't get the woman he really wants unless he gets the necessary experience and LEARNS how to interact with women confidently.

Mike

 

[SELF-MASTERY]

you are already perfect..........

who ssaid that????

 

[Metalixia]

I just find, whenever I'm being myself, people find me genuine and like me.

I ask girls genuine questions that cause me genuine curiousity. I genuinly wait a while to call girls because I'm genuinely busy.

I genuinly tell a girl what drives me.

I don't try to be soppy or overly romantic. I don't try to be a bad boy.

If I say a ****y joke, or act in a really funny way, it's 100% genuine, and I do it with my family and friends too.

I start conversations with girls by asking things which I genuinly want to know the answer to.

I go on dates doing things that I enjoy.

I don't try to analyse girls anymore. I take what they say and do at face value, and don't worry about it.