Be objective at all times

[Don_Juanabe]

Probably the most important lesson I've learned from this board is that one should be sure to view a woman's behavior from an objective, 3rd person view. Often, if we like a woman, we will justify her behavior when she does something we don't like. Step back, ask yourself how would a 3rd person view her behavior? If you find yourself saying "yeah, I don't like how she is treating me, but a 3rd person doesn't know X, Y, or Z", then you are JUSTIFYING her behavior, making EXCUSES for it. Always go with an objective analysis of how she is acting, not your own subjective view of how you WANT or WISH it would be, or HOPES that it WILL be. The first time this objective view says you are not being treated the way you want to be treated you turn your back and walk away. Why? Because 1) you shouldn't waste physical or mental energy on someone who treats you poorly and 2) this is the best way to get the behavior you want. Interestingly, it is said that ignoring a problem won't make it go away, but with chicks it is different. Why? Well, those who never got lots of attention in the past don't want to lose it, so they'll change their behavior to regain your graces. Those who are used to lots of attention will view your ignoring them as different, and that will attract them and make them change their behavior. And if, by walking away, that's the way it ends, hey, you didn't waste any energy once you objectively realized you were not being treated well. Also, if you view women objectively, rather than subjectively, it takes much more time to become emotionally attached, and this prevents heartache since you realize quickly that this chick aint good for you.

DJBe

 

[mike darookie]

totally agree --great post

 

[Survivor]

Hall of Fame material if I ever saw it.

 

[Poet]

Don_Juanabe:

Good words. Being objective in all aspects of life is always the hardest thing. It was once said in a conversation I heard about a card game that occured in a movie "Once upon a time in the west" a great Sergio Leonne western. The big shot was dealing himself into a card game using money for cards...One of the players says "How..how do U play this game Mr. Mortimer?" He replied "It's very simple, as long as U use your head U never loose." That applies to almost everything in life. I always remembered that line. Poet


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The cat that walks alone...

 

[the prince]

Thanks.

Sometimes you need this exact thing to get you back on track.

 

[Pet]

Excellent point!

Also, coming from a 3rd person view your identity is not on the line. If you're truly objective you don't take her actions personally. (f.ex: If she doesn't
like me it means I'm a bad person). So you don't have anything to lose to approach someone you like, or have an identity crisis if you get dumped.

Everything's very clear when you can be objective. Then you can act in favour of what you want rather than just reacting or responding to things she does or says. You are the creator of your own future. You're in creating mode rather than responsive/reactive mode. If you are reacting, you are being manipulated, even though she doesn't really intend to do that. This will lower her respect for you.

There is a very good section on the whys and hows of staying in a 3d person orientation in the book "Creating" by Robert Fritz. (My favorite book of all times.) Fritz also writes about how important it is to
be aware of that you are separate from your emotions, thoughts, people ... everything. It means you are free to act independently of how you feel and puts you in a much better position to create what you really want.

A couple of years ago I was reading this book very intensively and doing the exercises. After a few weeks I had an AHA-experience and felt I really understood
the principles of creating. One of the first tings I thought of creating was a very romantic date with a very attractive girl. (At this point I didn't know of such a girl and I didn't have a clue of how to find
one). But strangely enough beautiful girls started to smile at me everywhere I went.

Through using the principles (3rd person view, separation and others) I actually created the date I wanted within two weeks. She was even more beautiful and the date more flirtatious than I had envisioned.
She stayed at my place and we became a couple almost straight away.

The problem was I hadn't created a vision of the relationship I wanted. I wasn't aware of it at the moment, but I lost my sense of separation and objectivity and started to just react and respond to her. She gradually lost respect for me and treated me pretty badly. As a response I just tried to be more
understanding and (as you mention in your post) made excuses for her behavior. After 18 months we broke up. It was very
painful, since by that time my relationship with her had become a matter of identity.

It's woth it to really make 3rd person view a part of your life. Most people stay in 1st person view almost all the time, especially in relationships. It's all about me, me, me (or us, us, us. The real purpose of the 'us' is just to 'boost' the 'me'.) In your mind, think in terms of 'they' or 'that guy and that girl' rather than 'we'. See yourself from outside.

Pelle

By the way, the book 'Creating' is not specifically about relationships. It's about using the creative process to create what you want in your life. Robert Fritz does run a workshop on relationships, which I'm
going to in March. There are two discussion boards, both named The Path of Least Resistance, at egroups and yahoo clubs. Not very active, though. Good overview: http://www.newnetizen.com/freedom/freedomandpainters.htm

 

[Peak]

Originally posted by Pet:
Everything's very clear when you can be objective.

That's not completely true.

Objectivity doesn't solve all problems, cause often there are multiple objective solutions. Though, commonly many the multiple solutions do have the same end result.

 

[Lexomatic]

For some reason I'm a natural at doing this at work - out the seperate emotional aspects of situations and view things from a neutral, objective perspective. Pity I didnt realise that this skill is useful with women. Would have save me a lot of crap a couple of years back.

Good point DJBe

 

[Pet]

Originally posted by Peak:
That's not completely true.

Objectivity doesn't solve all problems, cause often there are multiple objective solutions.

Absolutely. Just being objective doesn't solve anything. You can see your multiple options better. Which one to choose? It depends where you would like to end up in the future. By having a bit of separation and distance from yourself and the relationship you can more clearly see what's really going on and what you want. Then it's up to you to do what you choose. If you know where you really stand and where you want to go it's easier to take steps in the right direction towards your goal.

Errr, but I find this is not easy to do when you are very emotionally involved.

-pet

 

[mrblue1022]

Great post, I love to see that we can still come up with some great posts.

 

[Futurologist]

BUMP