Rebel Leader
Senior Don Juan
Bartender wrote about his weakness regarding women: "I care about them when I get to know them a little. I walk (drive) 'em home at night, give my jacket when it's cold, I expect nothing back (damn I can be extremely giving sometimes (without expecting anything back at all (really.))) .... I wish I had a little more backbone."
Bartender, it sounds like you despise your tendency to be mother hen.
There are always two sides of a character trait, one that you like and one that you don't. The other side of being a mother hen is being a quartermaster -- a more masculine model. Viewing tendencies through the quartermaster lens may help develop pride instead of shame.
Some people who were famous for their quartermastering skills: George Washington, Napoleon, Alexander the Great.
Quartermasters, as you may know, have the task of finding quarters for their soldiers, and of getting clothing and equipment for them so the soldiers can do their soldiering. Sometimes it isn't as easy as ordering out of a catalog, and QMs have to be creative and resourceful. Washington, Napoleon, and Alexander cared very deeply for their troops, and did their utmost to supply them well (until their strategies defeated them, but strategy skills are another story).
Consider supplying esprit de corps:
Washington walked and talked among his troops to boost their spirits against overwhelming odds. This was extremely important -- there were times when spirit was the only thing holding the rebels together. Alexander and Napoleon also walked among their troops at times because it enhanced their leadership with their men.
Compare this to walking/driving her home. Don't think of it as serving her, like a butler, or fussing over her like a mother hen. Instead think of it as bodyguard duty. Keep all senses alert to the environment. Keep the pace going at a clip so it is harder to get trapped (you may have to imagine some of these threats if you live in a quiet place).
The idea here is to keep your mind on the environment and its threats instead of obsessing over her and letting her pull your strings. If you walk fast enough, she may not be able to talk, and you won't have to worry about conversation distracting you from your duty. Bodyguards have work to do, and they can't just amble along playing.
You could view this as a territory exercise, where the city is your territory and her home is her territory. You are the master of your territory, so you are guiding her through it.
Taking the attitude of bodyguarding or mastering territory may help you ditch the servility attitude.
Consider supplying clothing:
When Napoleon and Washington were faced with shortages of clothing, they didn't wear clothing better than their soldiers, although they didn't sacrifice so much that they got sick. Likewise with offering your coat.
Instead of a war campaign, you have a date. Instead of dealing with interrupted supply lines or scanty war funds, you're dealing with scanty clothing. Being creative about solving the problem is not weak.
Put your coat on her matter-of-factly and don't mention it -- no words, and no sweet exchanges of glances either. If it helps, consider her as your QM who failed her duty. As her general you won't berate her, you'll just correct the situation and move on. You hope she will do better at QMing next time. This may help reduce the feeling of servility, and increase your feeling of mastering the situation. (The next time you pick her up at her place make sure she has enough clothing.)
You are her host, not her servant.
You master the territory; she passes through it.
Take charge!
Bartender, it sounds like you despise your tendency to be mother hen.
There are always two sides of a character trait, one that you like and one that you don't. The other side of being a mother hen is being a quartermaster -- a more masculine model. Viewing tendencies through the quartermaster lens may help develop pride instead of shame.
Some people who were famous for their quartermastering skills: George Washington, Napoleon, Alexander the Great.
Quartermasters, as you may know, have the task of finding quarters for their soldiers, and of getting clothing and equipment for them so the soldiers can do their soldiering. Sometimes it isn't as easy as ordering out of a catalog, and QMs have to be creative and resourceful. Washington, Napoleon, and Alexander cared very deeply for their troops, and did their utmost to supply them well (until their strategies defeated them, but strategy skills are another story).
Consider supplying esprit de corps:
Washington walked and talked among his troops to boost their spirits against overwhelming odds. This was extremely important -- there were times when spirit was the only thing holding the rebels together. Alexander and Napoleon also walked among their troops at times because it enhanced their leadership with their men.
Compare this to walking/driving her home. Don't think of it as serving her, like a butler, or fussing over her like a mother hen. Instead think of it as bodyguard duty. Keep all senses alert to the environment. Keep the pace going at a clip so it is harder to get trapped (you may have to imagine some of these threats if you live in a quiet place).
The idea here is to keep your mind on the environment and its threats instead of obsessing over her and letting her pull your strings. If you walk fast enough, she may not be able to talk, and you won't have to worry about conversation distracting you from your duty. Bodyguards have work to do, and they can't just amble along playing.
You could view this as a territory exercise, where the city is your territory and her home is her territory. You are the master of your territory, so you are guiding her through it.
Taking the attitude of bodyguarding or mastering territory may help you ditch the servility attitude.
Consider supplying clothing:
When Napoleon and Washington were faced with shortages of clothing, they didn't wear clothing better than their soldiers, although they didn't sacrifice so much that they got sick. Likewise with offering your coat.
Instead of a war campaign, you have a date. Instead of dealing with interrupted supply lines or scanty war funds, you're dealing with scanty clothing. Being creative about solving the problem is not weak.
Put your coat on her matter-of-factly and don't mention it -- no words, and no sweet exchanges of glances either. If it helps, consider her as your QM who failed her duty. As her general you won't berate her, you'll just correct the situation and move on. You hope she will do better at QMing next time. This may help reduce the feeling of servility, and increase your feeling of mastering the situation. (The next time you pick her up at her place make sure she has enough clothing.)
You are her host, not her servant.
You master the territory; she passes through it.
Take charge!
