Barley Holding on, need some advice.

[Kailex]

I am 33 now and got married to her when I was 23. I think that I'd feel better if I were around my buddies back home. I have plans to skip work and the "new job" on Friday and head for the beach.

Just 33??? You're not even at your PEAK... YET.
You might think you're too old, maybe not, but to be honest, you're battle tested now. Time for you to get out there again.

Here's the kicker, I am really close with her family. Her Mom, step-dad, and brother are like family to me. I think that they are on my side - for now. I want to continue to have a relationship with them, but I don't know if that would last or if its even a good idea. The bummer is that my real family, mom and dad, aren't around and her parents have been like surrogate family.

Here's the kicker, the sooner you let go of the family, the sooner you get over her as well. Their compassion for you will be VERY short-lived and soon enough you'll be the "ex that hangs around too often". I've seen this first hand.

Get out of the ENTIRE situation, and that INCLUDES her family.
You might be their family-in-law but she is still their blood, regardless of the mistakes she's making.

What is her rank? Did her PhD allow her credits in officer school ?

Basically, you paid for her way and now you don't get to see the benefits of it. And if you truly did pay for her studies, congratulations, you paid for her to most likely have a higher salary in the Armed Forces. You get to see none of what you reaped.

That's exactly why I told him that he probably paid for her to become an officer. Maybe karma bit her in the ass and she was over the age limit by then (pretty sure in the US, you can only come in as an officer into the ARMY up until the age of 29 - after that, you have to come in as a private and work your way up - UNLESS she was a special case exception and got a waiver when she talked to the recruiter).

But, if she joined as an officer, he basically paid for her education and for her to get a higher salary.

And I echo Bible Belt's sentiments.

 

[Todd Preston]

jophil is spot on.

Don't think about it...don't contemplate what happened....don't consider being friends with the in-laws, etc.

JUST GO ! ! !

Get out of there NOW ! ! !

This woman is another POS to add to the wood-burning pile.

What is her rank? Did her PhD allow her credits in officer school ?

I have seen this same situation play out in my old unit several times.
She is marinating in a testoserone soup on the base.

The best thing that you can do is prepare yourself for the worst.

 

[squirrels]

Your relationship is over. What she's doing with her life now is incompatible with the time she spent with you. She doesn't want to leave you hanging when she can't be around all the time any more, and likely she's found something she's really into and you just don't have a place there.

Your internal conflict comes from your refusal to accept what is. You want to go back in time and change "whatever went wrong"...but you can't. The correct thing to do is to accept that you're broken up, that it hurts, and get on with YOUR life.

I know that you may not be ready to hear that now, but anything you do at this point to try to "fix things" or "find out what's up" is just going to hurt you more and drive a deeper wedge between the two of you. It's a shame she can't come right out and say what she's thinking just to let you know what it's all about, but if she doesn't, it's probably partly to spare your feelings, partly because she doesn't really KNOW. Women operate on feel...and right now, she feels that what she's doing "feels right" and when she thinks about what you had, it "feels wrong" in the context of her present life and her future.

Is there another dude?? Maybe. If not, there will be sooner or later. Doesn't matter.

I know you're looking for someone to say something that'll make you feel better and make all the "pain go away", but there is no such thing until you accept that the relationship is over and let yourself FEEL the "pain". Then you'll realize that it isn't the end of the world. In fact, it may be the most empowering event in your recent life.

You can run water over your hand and make it worse....or you can use vinegar and neutralize the burn. But first you have to give up. First you have to know...NOT fear, KNOW...that some day you are going to die. Until you know that, you are worthless.

It's only when we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.

 

[hithard]

Get out now

Don't waste another minute on her. You need to fight those feelings of 'try and make it work' and just get out of dodge. If you don't move fast you will bog down in self-pity or false hope.
Get yourself back on track and into a better position. Have a damn life. Being 33 is a perfect age to get back in the swing of things. It may seem safer to try and stay in your comfort rut but getting out as soon as possible will reap dividends in the long run.

 

[cavedweller]

Ardent,

You need to start backing off from her family..In the end they will take up sides with her.

 

[jophil28]

Ardent, I don't want to rub salt in here, but it must have felt noble and so very " new age" sensitive to support her while she studied for her PhD. I am sure that you applauded her academic success and probably anticipated that it would contribute to your relationship with her in positive ways.
However, unfortunately ( and ironically) your efforts in this regards made it possible for her to ultimately declare you redundant. Her PhD and her rank now place her above you in status and prestige ....
"Captain Doctor Jones " has clout.

Perhaps female hypergamy is also at work here..

A tough outcome, and one which should be a possible warning for men with ambitious wives.