Bad Patches in Relationships

[Zaq]

Hi guys,

So here it is. I've been going out with my current girlfriend for the best part of three years now. She is a lovely person; very kind, thoughtful, intelligent and beautiful. Unfortunately, we row I would say every two to three months, but the last couple of months have been particularly stormy, with her most recently losing it with me for deciding to go out after a family party for drinks (to which she was invited and encouraged by my whole family to join) because I hadn't directly consulted her and insinuating that my me, my brother and his girlfriend were being cliquey and excluding her (she doesn't get on with my brother as she believes he doesnt like her and has had issues with his girlfriend - convinced she was flirting with me - both not the case)

Of late, the topic of living together has resurfaced. Came up about a year ago and I said no as I don't want to yet as I feel personally 'too young' to be living together with someone. (We are both mid twenties) I tried to do this in a considerate and reassuring way in that I loved her very much and wasn't against it in the future, just that my priorities were on sorting my life out first eg my career (music though I have gone to grad school as a back up) and getting my own place as I unfortunately had to move back home. Also to be honest the arguments and drama out of thin air have worried me too. My girlfriend has had family problems, trust issues, depression and I'm concerned she thinks living with me will solve her problems, when I do wonder whether she is just an unhappy person.

I love her and have been there for her through thick and thin. I always want to support her but the latest episode has really knocked me. I've done angry, I've done ignoring her, I've done going on a break. I'm at a loss now. There is always something eventually.

I don't know really what I'm looking for. I know no one can decide my course of action but I think I'm looking for some wiser heads to give me a bit of wisdom from their experiences. This girl is my first serious girlfriend and outside of this relationship I don't have a huge wealth of experience to draw upon.

Thanks for reading and any wisdom is appreciated.

 

[backbreaker]

if you've honestly tried everything and she is still not reacting the way you would like her to act, maybe she isn't the one for you. Just a thought.

You ever go to a water park, and most water parks have like the big pool with the waves and **** in it and it gets really really deep and the waves get going. You always have that kid who won't leave the 2-3 feet of the pool but he's acting like he's really having a really good time while all his friends out are out in the 5-6-8 feet really having fun with the waves and ****, pretending like he doesn't want to be out there beudcase in reality he's just scared of the waves. He's learned to accecpt the safe yet familiar part of the pool where he knows what's going to happen.

that's where you are right now in your relationship. You seem to have your **** together honestly for the most part, and I believe that if you got out on the market you could do better in the sense that you can do a non depressed woman who isn't as needy/clingy as the one you have now and who doesn't try to emotionally manipulate you. I think somewhere in the back of your mind yo know that too. But you've never been single as an adult it seems and you are afraid to be single so you are throwing your hat in the I'm a virtuous male ring.

I'm married, 1 and a half years, i've dated more women than i can count. if you don't listen to a damn thing I'm saying listen to this; it never, ever, EVER, gets BETTER. Things that women do, behaviors that they show now are just a precursor to what is going to come later.

My advice, my honest to god advice is to break up with her beucase she's going to drag you down. You are going to be 30 and you seem to have a good head on your sholders, you will be beating high quality women off with a stick. You even naturally understand that you have to have your **** in order before you can worry about someone else. most guys here that come here don't get this concept. You do. So you have that.

But if you aren't going to listen to that, which I am quite sure you won't, and you are hell bent on trying to make this work, and this is going to seem counterintutive to someone like you, don't sit her down and talk about your problems that **** never works. You need to convey to her in a covert manner that you have other options and that you are a catch. You do this by flirting with other women, staying in shape, going out and having a social life with friends and ****, and pay her no mind as long as she is acting immature.

In short, you are taking all the responsibility for all her **** ups. You need to live your life, do your thing and put the pressure on her to get right or get out.

 

[XR 600]

Dont get sucked in because you feel you have to...you dont.

 

[Zaq]

Thank you for your responses, particularly yours backbreaker. She came round the following day and apologized for her behaviour but said it was down to her feeling That she did all the chasing in the relationship with phone calls/arranging to meet up and was living a compromise by not living together like she wanted. I don't think she's wrong in that respect (except the compromised living point) but I countered that she doesn't want for love, care, expenditure etc, to which she agreed. Go figure...
From that I asked her why she couldn't just talk to me rather than make an argument out of nothing; she had no answer and just apologized. At that point I said that I didn't want any company that evening and she left.

We haven't spoken for a few days now. I'm just taking some time to take stock of how I'm feeling and weigh things up...some serious soul searching.

I hear your words guys and I'm not going to take them lightly.

Thanks.

 

[The Duke]

Zaq- this is pretty typical behavior from a female with issues related to insecurity, lack of trust, abandonment. These types are always looking for a situational fix, instead of looking inside themselves for the answers. Until she learns to address the real issue which is herself, she'll continue to allow her hamster wheel to spool up crazy drama where it doesn't exist. Realize most of the crap she says isn't about you, its about her being unhappy with her own life.

A person that truly loves you and is worth keeping around will understand your wishes and respect you for standing by them. They won't start drama because they aren't getting what they want.

Keeping a firm hand on the situation and maintaining your frame will help. She'll kick, scream, and cry, but don't give into this manipulation tactic. Small children do the same thing!

If she is worth keeping around and this is something you want long term, then be patient and recommend that she gets some counseling. My guess is she never learned a lot of life skills growing up. The ones she did learn aren't effective for harmonious lifestyles.

I've got some living arrangement issues with my girl. Long story short, she had some issues so I told her I wasn't going to put up with it anymore. I also told her she needed to work on improving herself because I was done tolerating her drama. I told her to move out and get some counseling. So she did and its helped tremendously. She has finally made herself accountable for her own actions. She now realizes why she needs to control her emotions better. She's much more rational. She's gained more confidence in herself and our relationship. She still doesn't like the being apart thing which is understandable, but it has forced her to improve herself.

Does this girl admire you and value your ability to stay respectful and level headed when you have issues?

 

[Zaq]

Thanks for your response Howiestern; glad to hear your situation has improved greatly.

Yes she has referred to my ability to not take out my bad days on others, specifically her (of course I'm not infallible on this, like anyone) in the context of her saying she can't do what I do.

Counselling has been broached numerous times. We had a huge row over nothing about 18 months ago. I was ready to break it off there and then. She promised she'd go get help and did so for a couple of months, in which time she did improve. Since then though she returned to studying and then began a job she reverted to the 2-3 month cycle and whenever I raised the counselling point again and how she needs to work on it she has said she couldn't do it because of studying/work commitments. She did look into it but the sessions she could find apparently clashed with her course formerly and now with work hours. She has also countered that she does plenty Herself (using self-help books etc) which obviously I think is great but ultimately isn't doing enough and is perhaps a cover for not truly dealing with her issues.

 

[sodbuster]

counselling never works if SHE sin't willing to change. I've been through it and another 4 guys I can name off the top of my head....0 for 5. All divorced

 

[GotED?]

Men are to be relied upon, while women look for a man to rely upon.

Don't get used by women - most never worked hard to know what life is about unlike a man. We are to be relied upon because we carry the burden of being responsible while most women just ride on the weight men carry.

Exodus

 

[Zaq]

Credit to her - she's always had a strong work ethic. It's never been a problem in regards to wanting an easy life off my back.

 

[GotED?]

She wanting to force the issue of living together is already evidence of her using you and relying upon you with her issues. Decide if you are the man to be relied upon by her, if not - get the fruck out and enjoy life as a man should.

 

[backbreaker]

Men are to be relied upon, while women look for a man to rely upon.

Don't get used by women - most never worked hard to know what life is about unlike a man. We are to be relied upon because we carry the burden of being responsible while most women just ride on the weight men carry.

Exodus

my grandmother worked 3 jobs to put food on the table for my mother and my aunt. once in a blue moon she got a day off from all three jobs.

my mother bought a new car the day before new year's in 2012 and already ha 150k miles on it driving all across the state selling insurance plans, works her ass off.

I know a woman who works 5-6 days a week, goes to prisons to talk to people who are getting out to try to get them a place to say in transition from being out of jail, who travels all across the state tryhing to get guys their child custody rights back and speaking on the behalf of guys in the system, all day long, taking guys to meetings, the woman loves her job and is extremely passionate about it. she has 3 kids and a husband and she gets home at about 8pm every night, she only makes 11 dollars an hour she's not doing it for the money her husband pays most of her bills she just is passionate about what she does, works her ass off.

When you say all women,k you are also talking about my mother, my grandmother, your mother, the women that DO work their asses off to put food on the table, and there are quite a few.

At the end of the day, having a slanted view of the world provides you with jack **** of good. Saying that all women don't work hard is just about as silly as saying that all men are dogs who dont' want to settle down, and that type if silliness i can't let slide, epically when i have seen with y own two eyes evidence to the contrary.

 

[Mojogoat]

Hey there Zaq,

Briefly, I would say: if you like stormy relationships then you've found yourself a keeper.

If you find yourself thinking "maybe THIS time, once THIS drama has died down, things will finally settle, once and for all" - I don't think they will , until you draw a line under this relationship move on.
You are not her therapist, and you have to look after number one at the end of the day!

I wish you good luck whatever you decide.

 

[romanticman]

Life is not perfect but if she cant respect your wishes now then what happens down the track . Kill that attitude in her and if she cant respect you time to think about leaving

 

[glass half full]

Hi guys,

So here it is. I've been going out with my current girlfriend for the best part of three years now. She is a lovely person; very kind, thoughtful, intelligent and beautiful. Unfortunately, we row I would say every two to three months, but the last couple of months have been particularly stormy, with her most recently losing it with me for deciding to go out after a family party for drinks (to which she was invited and encouraged by my whole family to join) because I hadn't directly consulted her and insinuating that my me, my brother and his girlfriend were being cliquey and excluding her (she doesn't get on with my brother as she believes he doesnt like her and has had issues with his girlfriend - convinced she was flirting with me - both not the case)

Of late, the topic of living together has resurfaced. Came up about a year ago and I said no as I don't want to yet as I feel personally 'too young' to be living together with someone. (We are both mid twenties) I tried to do this in a considerate and reassuring way in that I loved her very much and wasn't against it in the future, just that my priorities were on sorting my life out first eg my career (music though I have gone to grad school as a back up) and getting my own place as I unfortunately had to move back home. Also to be honest the arguments and drama out of thin air have worried me too. My girlfriend has had family problems, trust issues, depression and I'm concerned she thinks living with me will solve her problems, when I do wonder whether she is just an unhappy person.

I love her and have been there for her through thick and thin. I always want to support her but the latest episode has really knocked me. I've done angry, I've done ignoring her, I've done going on a break. I'm at a loss now. There is always something eventually.

I don't know really what I'm looking for. I know no one can decide my course of action but I think I'm looking for some wiser heads to give me a bit of wisdom from their experiences. This girl is my first serious girlfriend and outside of this relationship I don't have a huge wealth of experience to draw upon.

Thanks for reading and any wisdom is appreciated.

...a familiar ordeal, the woman's push to get respect or make you sorry.
too bad it doesn't work for men! I hope somebody has some useful answers here, I need them too.

 

[MackB]

I will give a little story here, to get the idea across of what I'm talking about. Say you met a nice chick, you've established a relationship, and the whining gets louder, that your family doesn't respect her (even though they give her every opportunity), she keeps whining. Over the years, she decides to start her own little "click", convincing her own little group to leave you out. Even though you really did nothing wrong. This is just my example, but I read of similar ones on here, and think its time we figure something out.

 

[glass half full]

I posted before I read the whole tread. You all have some good advice on this.

 

[Zaq]

I will give a little story here, to get the idea across of what I'm talking about. Say you met a nice chick, you've established a relationship, and the whining gets louder, that your family doesn't respect her (even though they give her every opportunity), she keeps whining. Over the years, she decides to start her own little "click", convincing her own little group to leave you out. Even though you really did nothing wrong. This is just my example, but I read of similar ones on here, and think its time we figure something out.

The thought of 'if this happens now whilst we have no responsibilities, what will happen when there is a marriage/kids at stake?' is troubling...

 

[SecondHalf]

High maintenance.

This reads very similar to someone from my past.
...

High maintenance.
After years of this, you check out somewhat.
She cheats.
You break up and she walks away with half your wealth.

If I had to advise someone close to me about this I would say she either has to be doing back flips to change or she better have a ton more assets than you.

The type of behavior you're describing gets really old. A time will come you'll not see a HB9 (or whatever she is), but a walking, breathing sack of high maintenance drama.

Don't let her get her foot in the door.

Good luck,

SH

 

[Zaq]

No joke, but some of your experiences are sobering thoughts! Thanks for your responses.

 

[Zaq]

So, We met up and I was of the mindset that we need to break up. Me being me though, we talked for an hour or so and my girlfriend professed her love for me, that she was in fact very happy with me and that she had been a real b*tch and been out of line. She's getting her own place and is now fine about not living together, sharing the same opinion as me that there is no rush but happy to do it in the future some time. She's also going to go to counselling now.

The naïve part of me was pleased to hear all these things, but another part of me wonders why have all these problems 'disappeared' only once I've taken so much crap and got to the point of wanting to leave.

The comfort, rapport and private jokes made me feel very relieved and happy in a way but I still had this nagging feeling and mixed emotions having gone over there expecting it to end. I feel like I've been told everything I want to hear and whilst one part of me is happy, the other is more sceptical. I left before any physical escalation could occur so that It didn't further cloud my judgement.

Fools in love, eh?