Bad case of "oneitis"

[Londonman09]

So I discovered this site a few weeks ago and have been reading some of these discussions and finding some useful advice in attracting women. I've never had any issues getting girls but since I can be shy with new people I think my looks basically do the work for me... but not quite good enough to land the kind of girl I want.

That being said, I have a wicked case of oneitis (love this term) for a woman I work with. The only downside is she has a LTBF who is a total goof. We email constantly and she flirts hardcore with me.. but when it gets heavy she backs off and says shes glad I understand she has a bf and could never act on anything. Of course at that time I tease her and tell her shes a great girl but definately not my type... which drives her bonkers lol. The truth is im crazy about this girl... but not stupid enough to try to make a move or "break" up her current relationship... not my style. Recently I was told by a mutual aquaintance that she admitted to being in a dead end relationship.. but unsure what else is out there. I get the feeling she is definately into me...she saw me having lunch with another girl and got completely jealous..... but even if she splits with her bf I may have screwed it up by being a b@tch (you guys have an acrynym for it.. cant think what it is).

The past year we have been talking... Ive had 3 or 4 girls on the go at a time.. but shes always been the one I wanted.

My question is...,is there anyway I can regain some of my manhood with her and be there if she relationship sinks.. yet not get caught being the rebound or jerk that caused a break up. Or should I just run lol Ive tried to stop talking to her on occasion and she comes chasing... so hard to tell if im her confidence booster or if she legitimately likes me. thoughts?

 

[Kirro]

Sigh. The term you're looking for is AFC but given that you can already attract females I doubt it applies to you overall.

There's only one way to see where you are with her & that's to make a move, the thing that seems to scare you. Ask her out & make moves man. Thing I realized is, if you get women without having to pay financially then you're going to have to be the 'bad guy'. Meaning she'll blame you for whatever she does with you.

If you want this chick, take her. & if she wants you, she'll make it easy for herself to be taken.

Oh and should you fail....cut contact & move on.

 

[Londonman09]

Sigh. The term you're looking for is AFC but given that you can already attract females I doubt it applies to you overall.

There's only one way to see where you are with her & that's to make a move, the thing that seems to scare you. Ask her out & make moves man. Thing I realized is, if you get women without having to pay financially then you're going to have to be the 'bad guy'. Meaning she'll blame you for whatever she does with you.

If you want this chick, take her. & if she wants you, she'll make it easy for herself to be taken.

Oh and should you fail....cut contact & move on.

Well we had plans to hang out a long time ago... and then she backed out and said she'd feel guilty if we went out.. Now she wants to go out again, and is actually coming over to my house with,a few other coworkers in a few weeks.

Ive been tempted to make a move... but I guess I am scared of the fact we work together in an office (awkward) & I dont want to deal with the back lash... but you have a point.

 

[Kirro]

She backed out a long time ago? How long is a long time ago? Her saying stuff like that is always BS, she was making an excuse to not see you. You say SHE wants to go out again? Hmmm....& she's coming over to your house with coworkers? Not a good sign, if she were coming alone I'd feel positive about this.

You work with her though & if you're North American or live in the west I strongly advise you leave her alone. Even if you do win, know its only in the short term. You could be giving her 5 million orgasms a night & she'll still have the power to fvck your life right up the arse.

 

[Londonman09]

6 months ago... she said she needed to focus on her relationship and didnt think she could introduce new guy friends with her bf. I made fun of her pretty good for it... but knew it was BS.

I do live in North America... maybe I'm best to cut her out.. have the nagging feeling shes bored/ umstimulated at home and I'm good to make her feel wanted. When theres an other woman in my life she comes on strong and aggresive, when not.. she backs off. After she got all jealous about seeing me have lunch with another girl she made the comment she was being,ridiculous, hoped I wasnt waiting around for her to be single... I laughed at her and joked about it..

 

[Deadly_Ripped]

She's forbidden fruit and what makes you so "in love" is that you don't know her major flaws that she hides from everyone (we all have them). She will always remain an idealized version of a woman for you as long as your relationship remains casual/professional.

In other words, she's a convenient target of your affection.

 

[ZenoB]

You work with her- don't **** where you eat. It could make your life a living hell that lasts longer than the honeymoon you have together. Plus it can be a huge legal risk and can damage or ruin your career.

 

[perseverance]

There is a motto that usually applies to these types of situation and reads "He who dares". So pay no heed to men who tell you to think about your job. Take a risk, take a gamble once in a while.

However on this occasion the motto need not apply because as you have mentioned 'She has a LTBF'. There are plenty of single women knocking about it, but of course we humans often want we can't have and knowing we can't have it makes us determined to get it. It's not worth it, why would you want to destroy someone's relationship?

I think you should either remain friends with her and move on or cut her off and move on.

Think about it, if she dumps him for you or cheats on him with you, who is to say she won't do these things to you? Of course she might not, one can never be too sure, but it's food for thought nonetheless.

 

[Londonman09]

Thats the thing.... I refuse to destroy someones relationship. If it falls apart, I'm there.. but I'm curious what other guys experience with this is. Today we were chatting and I made mention if her and her ltbf didn't work out.. Id put in a good word for her with a coworker. She was beside herself.. asked why I wouldnt put in a word for myself. I said she was already caught in my friendzone and there was no escape.. joked she was my secret bff and I wouldn't jeapardize it... really got her going lol.

Its like a bad drug habit though that I know I need to kick...

 

[Londonman09]

edit.. nm

 

[korwinn]

yea isn't "oneitis" more on how you can be totally on with a girl and then all of a sudden you start catching feelings then you change how you act around her. Being all retarded and **** (ie: texting too much, blah blah...)

Anyways kind of skimmed through it. Seems like the girl is into you, but she is still holding onto her relationship. Or the flirting at work is satisfying whatever need she isn't getting at home. Overall I'm sure you could bang her out, and being all noble and "not wanting to break anything up" is ridiculous. You're just providing opportunity and if she takes it then it's on her. I used to believe the same thing, but I've encountered too many girls who are just full of **** and my perspective on the matter has been skewed, but yea it's a nice thought not to be that guy - thing is somebody is that guy sometime or another may as well be you.

I also agree with not getting involved with coworkers unless it's mutual that you two are just having fun.

for the advice it's up to you what you want. I'm sure she'll come around as she obviously isn't happy at "home"

 

[Jariel]

Oneitis hits the best of us at one point or another and in the more serious cases it can reduce us to our most pathetic and desperate form.

I've been in your exact same situation more times than I can count. In some cases I've just been the guy she uses for attention when she's not getting it from her boyfriend, in other cases I've escalated it to sex, and in 2 situations it ended with a long term relationship.

So it is very possible, under the right circumstances and with the right behaviour, that you can get this girl. But you have to play it COOL.

If she breaks up with her boyfriend, you need to get yourself out of the picture for a month or two at least. During that period, she will be thinking of him and will resent anyone who tries to replace him....even if she's not that into him. NEVER offer a shoulder to cry on or try to be her friend and never listen to her talk about him. If and when she's ready to move on, she will make the first move. And if she genuinely likes you, you will be the one she comes to.

For now, you have to do more pushing and pulling. Continue flirting, but every so often, just stop replying to texts/mails, or wait a few days before responding. Act a bit distant with her one day. Just be polite, but give her no attention. And here's the one move that could change everything, if you're willing to take a leap of faith....tell her you have a date or ask her advice about another girl you like. This has worked for me almost every time!

It's these moments where she no longer feels your attention that she craves it most. You have to become a challenge because that's what engages her emotions and desire.

 

[Jariel]

Today we were chatting and I made mention if her and her ltbf didn't work out.. Id put in a good word for her with a coworker.

This is good stuff, definitely on the right track!

 

[thevilittletroll]

i've copied and pasted comments i put in a previous post for you. this should give you a complete game plan on how to get the girl. one point that i would make about your situation is this. girls that are in stagnant relationships will in most times cheat on their bf's. if she's not happy or sexually satisfied at home, its inevitable she'll find it from someone else. so my suggestion is make a move. remember she's a hot chick and probably has plenty of opportunities with a number of different guys to sleep with. if not its not you, it will be some other dude. take advantage of your opportunity, the clock is ticking dude....

your in luck, this is my best friend's game! he only bangs chicks with boyfriends. all the haters out there may say that its morally wrong, but it takes 2 to tango. he's helped me out with this same exact situation many times. this game will work on any girl that has a boyfriend and here is how you do it.

#1 you have to have already built up some solid attraction. #2 its no big deal that she has a bf, it doesnt bother you, and it shouldnt bother her to hang out with you as friends, LJBF her. #3 you are a non judgemental type of guy, you dont believe girls are w.hores and sluts, and you definately wouldnt judge her. #4 you like the fact that she is independent, and respect that she makes her own decisions. you think that is sexy about her. #5 and most importantly you know how to be discreet. you are not the type of guy that will kiss and tell. you are good at keeping secrets.

do these things the same way you would normally tell a DHV story. you dont want it to come across as bragging, so just pop them into normal conversations. its ok to prepare your stories in advance.

start with step #2 and drive it home, make sure she completely understands step #2 about you, or you wont get the opportunity to hang out with her alone. once you are alone with her hanging out as "friends" hit her with steps 3-5. keep escalating kino, but keep it light until your finished with all 5 steps. remember your still just "friends" keep repeating steps 3-5 until you start getting real solid IOI's from her. its time for the final step.

play push-pull a few times. go crazy sexual conversation, increase the kino escalation, then push her away, change the subject to normal convo. wash rinse repeat. once she has brought back up the sexual conversation twice, she's ready to go. at this point you can be as direct with her as you want. i like to say i'm totally trying to get in your pants right now.

keep in mind it may take you several attempts to accomplish steps 3-5. and thats ok. its important to calibrate your kino until she's got 1-5 nailed about you in her head. this is a game that you can pull off in one night, but most of the time you will want to slow play over the course of 2 weeks or so. good luck!

 

[Londonman09]

Alot has happenend.... had a few moments in a hidden office after I pushed her away. She had to bail on the coworker party... now shes coming solo, and its pretty much given sh it will go down. I look at her across the office n she goes red.. its on like donkey kong!

 

[Londonman09]

Need assistance.... shes coming to my place tonight for dinner... been flirty, talking dirty all week. Im cooking dinner... joked about if its the best food she has had cooked for her... she owes me a kiss. Her response... I dont want to cheat, but how can someone say no to that.... today she is being distant... not flirty at all! .. a little cold, told me she has,to leave around 8... bf home by 10:30.. and wants to be home early incase he is..

Is she flaking? I feel like a bastard asking... but her saying unsolicited she doenst wantto cheat.... yet coming over after some pretty saucy emails... do I make a move? or take her being distance as a warning,to behave. **** test,?

 

[PokerStar]

dont be surprised if she flakes out on you.

why? well you said she has a boyfriend and you are making it easy for her to come in, eat your food(hard earned $), and leave.

she has told you that she has to leave early to see her bf.

if you want to go ahead and pursue this, don't start cooking until she arrives. that way you two can maybe enjoy a glass of wine while you both cook together.

anyway, i for one(my opinion) would never cook for a girl who has a bf, unless shes been your friend for like 10 years.

good luck.

 

[mahoney]

if you want to get with a girl with a boyfriend - its a lot easier if you have a girlfriend* already, puts you on the same page

*i never said the girlfriend had to be real

 

[thevilittletroll]

you need to go back and re-establish step #2.....

#2...its no big deal that she has a bf, it doesnt bother you, and it shouldnt bother her to hang out with you as friends, LJBF her.

start with step #2 and drive it home, make sure she completely understands step #2 about you, or you wont get the opportunity to hang out with her alone. once you are alone with her hanging out as "friends" hit her with steps 3-5. keep escalating kino, but keep it light until your finished with all 5 steps. remember your still just "friends" keep repeating steps 3-5 until you start getting real solid IOI's from her. its time for the final step.

it sounds like you went sexual conversation too soon.....re-read my post

 

[Londonman09]

She came.... cooked her dinner, drank wine. I made her help, and then things went very very well. Thanks for being sounding board... all it takes is some balls. Lesson learned.