backbreaker...can you help?

[i1t4yomindi]

Hey brother,

couldn't send you a PM because it was full. But it's appreciate your feedback (and anyone else's)

I'm in a foreign country and I've been dating this girl for about 3 months. She's going to move for 5 months to study abroad in August.

Today, I was joking and tested her and typed something like, "hey if I go out and meet other girls, it's okay..right? Cuz you've said before that we don't have anything serious going on, so if I met someone else, it's cool with you?"

I regret being insecure and bringing it up like this because after, it basically it got her feeling really sad and upset. Over chat, she basically said that she wasn't feeling 100% in love with me. And that she doesn't feel ready for anything serious. She said she's confused and doesn't know what she wants

In addition, since she's going abroad she doesn't want neither of us to suffer.

I'm looking at her actions and we're acting like a couple basically, without having said anything official. The only thing is, she's moved back to her parents about an hour away. This was 2 weeks ago because she's done for the semester.

I'm feeling so screwed up right now - like I can't trust her. Maybe if I went cold and gave her space, it would help.

What are your thoughts?

Thanks in advanced.

 

[amoka]

How do you expect backbreaker to help you in this case? Weren't you the one that asked her if it is ok with her if you find another woman? Does backbreaker knows this woman? My advise to you is to do exactly what you told her you'll do... find another woman.

 

[i1t4yomindi]

I was asking for backbreaker's advice because I follow his posts on here and respect what he has to say.

I don't want to find another woman. I was testing her to see what she would say because I've been feeling insecure about the relationship and where it's heading. Apparently, she is too.

I guess with all the stuff that she has going on, I wanted some reassurance that she'd want to try the long distance thing while she's away. I went about it the wrong way.

 

[Iceberg]

Hey brother,

couldn't send you a PM because it was full. But it's appreciate your feedback (and anyone else's)

I'm in a foreign country and I've been dating this girl for about 3 months. She's going to move for 5 months to study abroad in August.

Today, I was joking and tested her and typed something like, "hey if I go out and meet other girls, it's okay..right? Cuz you've said before that we don't have anything serious going on, so if I met someone else, it's cool with you?"

I regret being insecure and bringing it up like this because after, it basically it got her feeling really sad and upset. Over chat, she basically said that she wasn't feeling 100% in love with me. And that she doesn't feel ready for anything serious. She said she's confused and doesn't know what she wants

In addition, since she's going abroad she doesn't want neither of us to suffer.

I'm looking at her actions and we're acting like a couple basically, without having said anything official. The only thing is, she's moved back to her parents about an hour away. This was 2 weeks ago because she's done for the semester.

I'm feeling so screwed up right now - like I can't trust her. Maybe if I went cold and gave her space, it would help.

What are your thoughts?

Thanks in advanced.

What do you mean you "can't trust her"? She told you that she's not ready for anything serious. She doesn't know what she wants. Oh, and she's leaving for 5 months. Those are probably the most honest things a woman has ever said. Can't trust her? She's basically saying "This is cool and all, but it's temporary. And don't get attached." I'm not sure what's not to trust....She's being pretty blunt. At least for a girl.

You've been dating for 3 months. Not 3 years. What did you expect this girl to say? "This has been the happiest 3 months of my life, and let's wait for each other?"

Not sure what else you could be looking for...

I don't want to find another woman. I was testing her to see what she would say because I've been feeling insecure about the relationship and where it's heading. Apparently, she is too.

I guess with all the stuff that she has going on, I wanted some reassurance that she'd want to try the long distance thing while she's away. I went about it the wrong way.

I don't think she's insecure about anything. She's quite secure about where it's headed. And frankly, I don't think she even considers it to be a "relationship"

 

[i1t4yomindi]

You're right, Iceberg. She's been dating me and she's looked at it just as that, dating..nothing more, no attachment even though we're exclusively dating.

I'm the one whose fell in love with her and wants more. When I mean trust, I'm talking about feeling secure that she'll continue to be exclusive with me and will want something more in the future.

I've moved too fast and I think the best thing to do now is just to give her space and not answer her calls/texts for a bit. That way, it'll give us both a chance to chill out.

 

[Iceberg]

You're right, Iceberg. She's been dating me and she's looked at it just as that, dating..nothing more, no attachment even though we're exclusively dating.

I'm the one whose fell in love with her and wants more. When I mean trust, I'm talking about feeling secure that she'll continue to be exclusive with me and will want something more in the future.

Well, when someone tells you that they're leaving the country for 5 months, and that your relationship "isn't serious", what do you think that says about their feelings on remaining exclusive and wanting something in the future?

I've moved too fast and I think the best thing to do now is just to give her space and not answer her calls/texts for a bit. That way, it'll give us both a chance to chill out.

Best thing you've said so far.

 

[i1t4yomindi]

Thanks, Iceberg. The thing is, she's asked before that if she were to go abroad, would I want to continue? I told her at the time that I would.

But who knows, fact is she doesn't know what she wants and her actions are going to speak louder than words once she does go.

 

[Martin]

The fact is, that its most of the times better to not talk about the seriousness of a relation. When women start to think logicly about these things they will come up with alot of objections, like for example: she having to move away for 5 months.

She might want to be single at this new place and therefor not wanting to start anything serious. Or she might actually try to protect herself from growing any feelings for you as she knows she moving away and doesnt want to get hurt.

When you just go with the flow, not talk about these serious things, and create a strong attraction in the folowing months before she needs to leave, the moment will come that she has to leave and by that time it could even be very clear that its serious between you two, without ever talking about this "heavy" subject, creating conflict & doubts.

Also i think the way you asked her was not the best way to approach this subject. You'd be probably be better of just mentioning: "I'd be sorry to see you go in August" after you shared an intimate moment, and see how she reacts.

 

[5string]

What Danger said.

 

[boomerick]

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Kinda got blown up with your own hand grenade troop......

Seems to me you probably put voice to an issue that both of you were keeping just under the surface......

You just went Asbergy first and blurted it out....

What I'm surprised about is her candor.....

Take advantage of your freedom....

She did you a favor.....and was surprisingly honest about it to boot......

Over and Out.