Back to dating after LTR. I need some advice.

[Cavalier]

Disclaimer: I promise I am not a troll. I am genuinely asking for advice. Thank you in advance for reading.

I am a man in my early 30s who is new to dating after a LTR. Unfortunately, I was due to be married and things fell apart. I have been single for about 6 months and just moved to a large city for a new job. I decided to try out some dating apps and have had more luck than I anticipated. Things have gotten a bit overwhelming and I have actually had to pause my profiles on the dating apps so I do not get any new matches. While I am interested in finding a relationship, I am in no rush to get into anything serious as my last experience was pretty traumatic. Currently, I am talking to 2 women. I have gone on 1 date with the first (lady #1) and 2 dates with the second (lady #2). There was a lady #3, but I told her I was not interested in a second date.

I know it is okay to go on a few dates with multiple people before going for exclusivity, but I would rather not lead people on. I have date #2 with lady #1 tomorrow and am not sure if I will want to go on a 3rd with her. The thing is, both women seem pretty interested and have expressed an interest in coming over/moving things in a physical direction. I do not want to find myself in a situation where I am hooking up with multiple people at the same time. I would feel terrible about taking advantage of anyone's trust (but who knows...they may be hooking up with multiple people). In any case, I want to do my best to play by rules that I am comfortable with.

Here is my question:

1) How do I politely reject any physical advances or an invitation to go back to my place or my date's without coming off as weak/insecure? I my date tomorrow (lady #1) may want to come over or move things in a physical direction. I really just want to take things slow and determine who seems like the better fit before jumping into anything physical.

Thanks guys. I would also appreciate any advice or pointers you have on getting back into the dating game. It has been a while for me.

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

You have to have sex with a girl to know if she's right. You cannot tell before that.

Also there is nothing wrong with seeing other people at first even if you're only into LTRs. They almost certainly are seeing other men, and even if they're not explicitly fvcking other dudes they're at least talking to them. You are not betraying her trust unless she has specifically asked you to not see other women.

 

[Stuffnu]

politely reject any physical advances or an invitation to go back to my place or my date's without coming off as weak/insecure

Respectfully, you will come across as weak and insecure. What’s the point of dating if you’re not ready or willing to escalate sexually.
Reject them, then make preparations to get “ghosted”, regardless of your approach.
Welcome to the modern woman.

At the very least, I believe most apps will allow you adjust settings to friendship only, so utilize to eliminate any expectations. However, perhaps consider joining volunteer or hobby groups, etc. and this way you can meet women more slowly and organically.

Good luck!

 

[Cavalier]

Respectfully, you will come across as weak and insecure. What’s the point of dating if you’re not ready or willing to escalate sexually.
Reject them, then make preparations to get “ghosted”, regardless of your approach.
Welcome to the modern woman.

At the very least, I believe most apps will allow you adjust settings to friendship only, so utilize to eliminate any expectations. However, perhaps consider joining volunteer or hobby groups, etc. and this way you can meet women more slowly and organically.

Good luck!

This is all very helpful. Is it acceptable to keep dating these women and escalate sexually with them until I figure out who I like better? Won't one of them feel deceived once I eventually call it off? Or are they off doing the same thing? (excuse my stupidity lol)

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

This is all very helpful. Is it acceptable to keep dating these women and escalate sexually with them until I figure out who I like better? Won't one of them feel deceived once I eventually call it off? Or are they off doing the same thing? (excuse my stupidity lol)

They're almost certainly doing the same thing even if they claim otherwise.

 

[Stuffnu]

This is all very helpful. Is it acceptable to keep dating these women and escalate sexually with them until I figure out who I like better? Won't one of them feel deceived once I eventually call it off? Or are they off doing the same thing? (excuse my stupidity lol)

All good to ask. Yes, continue dating these women. Your job is to show them a good time - not to worry about exclusivity or hurting feelings.
Remember it’s a date not a relationship. This is something a girl brings up over time and then you can make a decision on whether to continue.
As Flex has said, they are doing this anyways and probably with dozens of suitors from dating apps.

Until then, get laid and have fun till the right one shows up.

 

[bmp2cpm]

When I briefly did online dating I took the philosophy of "what is wrong with her" and "what reason should I next her".

My philosophy was not to get s*x but to vet and only continue to date women that were worth getting into a relationship with.

After 6 months of OLD I only found 2 that I would want to get into a relationship with.One was interested and one was not. But by that time, I got back with my future wife and nexted the one OLD girl who almost won the prize.

I cannot imagine you found so many quality girls already. You need to be more picky!

Dating 3 girls on a weekend and making out with two girls on the same day is fun!

 

[Cavalier]

You guys are incredible.

Theyre doing the same thing with 2-3 other men, and they will be doing the same thing until you have "the talk" about exclusivity, at the earliest. In my experience, they still keep one foot out the door and maintain orbiters well beyond that.

How do you guys end things once the exclusivity talk comes up?

 

[Cavalier]

When I briefly did online dating I took the philosophy of "what is wrong with her" and "what reason should I next her".

My philosophy was not to get s*x but to vet and only continue to date women that were worth getting into a relationship with.

After 6 months of OLD I only found 2 that I would want to get into a relationship with.One was interested and one was not. But by that time, I got back with my future wife and nexted the one OLD girl who almost won the prize.

I cannot imagine you found so many quality girls already. You need to be more picky!

Dating 3 girls on a weekend and making out with two girls on the same day is fun!

I completely agree. None of these women strike me as wife material. They are just fun to hang out with so far. As I mentioned above, I'm not mentally ready to dive into anything serious after my recent experience.

 

[Modern Man Advice]

You might be using the wrong Dating Apps. What you are experiencing is simply how dating apps are used nowadays. Heck, even the current state of modern dating where we masturbate using someone else's body.

Not sure if you are religious and if you are Christian but maybe try Christian Mingle or Upward or the like. Or just attend Sun service, get involved with the community, and meet women/friends that way.

If you are not religious, then you simply have to be super straightforward and set the expectations of taking it super slow and unfortunately, disclose your previous relationship.

Truth is, you will come across as emotionally unavailable, which you are and that will scare a lot of women wanting to date off.

Modern Man Advice

 

[Cavalier]

You might be using the wrong Dating Apps. What you are experiencing is simply how dating apps are used nowadays. Heck, even the current state of modern dating where we masturbate using someone else's body.

Not sure if you are religious and if you are Christian but maybe try Christian Mingle or Upward or the like. Or just attend Sun service, get involved with the community, and meet women/friends that way.

If you are not religious, then you simply have to be super straightforward and set the expectations of taking it super slow and unfortunately, disclose your previous relationship.

Truth is, you will come across as emotionally unavailable, which you are and that will scare a lot of women wanting to date off.

Modern Man Advice

Nope. I’m definitely not religious. I like the idea of being straightforward. I don’t really care if women walk away.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

Welcome. Your attitude is refreshing. There’s a great group of guys around here. No question is stupid or silly. Right now you sound like you need to recover & recalibrate. You know that already. Obviously you are a man with some appeal so enjoy that.

You need to worry less about the women & put yourself first. Be selfish. You’ll naturally be a gentleman once you choose a gal to be in relationship with, but this is test drive period until someone really knocks your socks off and meets your standards. You seem to me to too concerned about them, which perhaps is vestiges of your defunct LTR where you were too placating maybe? Right now you are in a great spot. Embrace life. Do things because YOU want to do it. Cultivate swagger. In your own style & way of course.

Get to know yourself again. No woman should rule you and you do not need to please women. Be patient with yourself. Old habits die hard. Get yourself solid from the inside out; heal. That will take time and some solitude. You got this.

Nothing wrong with being a relationship guy. There are married dudes around here and players too. Be true to what you want and do not settle. Read & learn.

Women need to fit into your life. Not the other way around.

Cheers

 

[EyeBRollin]

First- OP you gotta find your mojo back. There is no need for a single man to ever reject physical advances from a woman. If you aren’t attracted to her, don’t go on dates with her. Simple

Second - “go with the flow.” If multiple girls want to date you this is great! They have to compete for you! Have fun with them both. Take them places you want to go to. See which girl you get along with better.

Do NOT bring up exclusivity with a woman. That is her job. Have fun and bang them. They’ll make the choice to try to lock you down.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Disclaimer: I promise I am not a troll. I am genuinely asking for advice. Thank you in advance for reading.

I am a man in my early 30s who is new to dating after a LTR. Unfortunately, I was due to be married and things fell apart. I have been single for about 6 months and just moved to a large city for a new job. I decided to try out some dating apps and have had more luck than I anticipated. Things have gotten a bit overwhelming and I have actually had to pause my profiles on the dating apps so I do not get any new matches. While I am interested in finding a relationship, I am in no rush to get into anything serious as my last experience was pretty traumatic. Currently, I am talking to 2 women. I have gone on 1 date with the first (lady #1) and 2 dates with the second (lady #2). There was a lady #3, but I told her I was not interested in a second date.

I know it is okay to go on a few dates with multiple people before going for exclusivity, but I would rather not lead people on. I have date #2 with lady #1 tomorrow and am not sure if I will want to go on a 3rd with her. The thing is, both women seem pretty interested and have expressed an interest in coming over/moving things in a physical direction. I do not want to find myself in a situation where I am hooking up with multiple people at the same time. I would feel terrible about taking advantage of anyone's trust (but who knows...they may be hooking up with multiple people). In any case, I want to do my best to play by rules that I am comfortable with.

Here is my question:

1) How do I politely reject any physical advances or an invitation to go back to my place or my date's without coming off as weak/insecure? I my date tomorrow (lady #1) may want to come over or move things in a physical direction. I really just want to take things slow and determine who seems like the better fit before jumping into anything physical.

Thanks guys. I would also appreciate any advice or pointers you have on getting back into the dating game. It has been a while for me.

You should never be the one going for exclusivity even if that's what you actually want. Ironically, the way you get it is by just having fun, banging them and making them become emotionally attached and wanting it from you...at which that point you decide whether they are worth giving it to or not.

Do not play the feminine role. Let her do the feminine relationship worrying. Your job is to fvck the sh!t out of her and be fun and exciting.

 

[Cavalier]

Thank you all again. Okay. So how many women have you all casually dated at the same time? I can’t imagine it’s possible to see more than 2-3 people at once?

 

[The Duke]

Thank you all again. Okay. So how many women have you all casually dated at the same time? I can’t imagine it’s possible to see more than 2-3 people at once?

I had 4 in one week. Lol. That's not typical, I just said why not, might as well see what it was like. It was exhausting and I felt like a man wh0re for a minute.

 

[SW15]

Theyre doing the same thing with 2-3 other men, and they will be doing the same thing until you have "the talk" about exclusivity, at the earliest. In my experience, they still keep one foot out the door and maintain orbiters well beyond that.

Realizing this helps with the mentality.

@Cavalier -- Men are most attractive to women when they have abundance mentality. You can have more of an abundance mentality if you keep both women around and have them asking you for exclusivity. Then, if you are so inclined, you can choose exclusivity with one of them. I know if it's not how any of our moms or the blue pill world raised us to be, but the guys who act like this are the ones who get the vagina.

 

[nmartinez12443]

You have to have sex with a girl to know if she's right. You cannot tell before that.

Also there is nothing wrong with seeing other people at first even if you're only into LTRs. They almost certainly are seeing other men, and even if they're not explicitly fvcking other dudes they're at least talking to them. You are not betraying her trust unless she has specifically asked you to not see other women.

Agree except for the LTR relationship one. If your in a committed, exclusive bf/gf/wife relationship you shouldn't be stepping out and vise versa. If your rationale she's doing it anyways you need to screen better.

If just "dating" yeah that's fair game.

 

[Bokanovsky]

I really just want to take things slow and determine who seems like the better fit before jumping into anything

And how exactly do you judge whether something is a good fit without trying it on for size?

 

[ubercat]

I m an LTR guy mainly. 7 years with current SO. Note I say current she knows the rules. Keep in mind that the hopefully unspoken rules you set in dating carry over into the relationship. Anything you don't like withdraw attention. Then she will either chase or it will die naturally. Think of seeing multiple girls as like a tennis league. If she plays well she rises up the rankings and gets more of your attention. If she makes drama she gets less attention and probably goes off with some idiot she can manipulate more easily i.e. her ranking drops to where she falls off your tour. Sex is currency for men. Attention is currency for women. By offering sex they are showing you respect. In your 30s you should be a sexual beast still. The obvious fix for your issue is only go out with the hottest girls. They won't give it away easily. However if you step up your league be prepared for more rejections and ghosting. That's the normal entry fee to play. BTW do you spell Cavalier with a K elsewhere?