Attitude constantly and sex 2 times a week with ltr

[bigjohnson]

I bet most people here have about no assets worth speaking of. "here hon, have half of jack sh1t."

That's true of most Americans, however you still have your future earnings, which an ex-wife will often be entitled to a substantial portion of for a period of time after she divorces you.

My ex got assets in excess of $300,000 in a lump sum plus I'm still paying spousal support for over a year more. That's not a crippling amount but I bet most people wouldn't consider it "jack sh1t" either.

 

[DMSR76]

My ex got assets in excess of $300,000 in a lump sum plus I'm still paying spousal support for over a year more. That's not a crippling amount but I bet most people wouldn't consider it "jack sh1t" either.

It's stories like this that scare the hell out of me the most. I empathize, brother.

 

[squirrels]

It's stories like this that scare the hell out of me the most. I empathize, brother.

As they SHOULD. Even more reason not to just marry a girl because you've been with her for a while and don't know what else to do with yourself.

 

[DavenJuan]

Man, you aren't listening and processing what is being told you here.
Read Juando's post again and try to absorb what he is telling you.

Your "hoping for sex" attitude has to GO. That mindset makes you into a needy, hungry little puppy in her eyes.

Do you even understand why she has "attitude" , and how you largely created this situation ?

Jophil is completely right brother

doesnt sound like you are completely getting it. not even just the "hoping for sex", your entire thread wreaks of desperation.

desperate to get laid by your OWN gf. if we can see this, believe me, she can too. there is already some great advice in this thread, i suggest rereading some.

 

[Romjuan]

i understand wht must be done. how do i introduce a jealousy plot though? flirt with other girls when shes around?

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Law 16: Use Absence to Increase Respect and Honor
Too much circulation makes the price go down: The more you are seen and heard from, the more common you appear. If you are already established in a group, temporary withdrawal from it will make you more talked about, even more admired. You must learn when to leave. Create value through scarcity.

Law 17: Keep Others in Suspended Terror: Cultivate an Air of Unpredictability
Humans are creatures of habit with an insatiable need to see familiarity in other people's actions. Your predictability gives them a sense of control. Turn the tables: Be deliberately unpredictable. Behavior that seems to have no consistency or purpose will keep them off-balance, and they will wear themselves out trying to explain your moves. Taken to an extreme, this strategy can intimidate and terrorize.

The first thing you need to do is learn to be fearless. You need to operate from the position that you've already broken up with her, so anything you do, any experiment you attempt, has to be considered from the perspective that you have nothing to lose by doing so. And really, you're not going to get any LESS sex than you are now, so why not break some eggs?

Your first point of departure needs to be NEVER asking (really begging) for sex from your Ex (she's your Ex now). You did this because you're familiar with her enough to think that begging is really "communicating". The only thing you're communicating is your complete and utter lack of any feasible options for sex. That changes today. Even the sex you rarely do get is now compromised by this mutual understanding. It's "her" sex now, not "your together" sex. The unconscious knowledge is in the back of her head saying "what's he gonna do? find some other girl? ha!" as she rolls her eyes and holds out on you.

Be less reliable, and intentionally so. Do not explain your comings and goings. In fact don't come home for an evening and don't tell her where you've been. Spend more time at the gym, do something seemingly responsible. Change yourself and her impression of your present identity gradually. If you make an overt, drastic, immediate change she'll see that as you retaliating. That's not what you're after.

She needs to have her imaginations stirred by unpredictability. She needs to see you make a quantum change in your personality (remember, your nothing-left-to-lose personality now/) but it has to come as the result of a process. An abrupt change will be interpreted as a punishment for her. Read Law 17 above. She needs terror to inspire her to react accordingly and see you as a commodity that doesn't come cheap. Make and talk about ambiguous long term plans for your life that DO NOT include her. Allude to you "needing" a different living arrangement sometime this year. Make yourself self important.

This is your new rule for yourself; any sex you have must be her idea, on her initiative. You're probably saying "christ! I'll never get laid then". So be it. If that's what it takes to prompt you to change, then there's no better motivator. If it comes to you "cheating" on her, then that's just the price she's got to pay for her own bait & switch methods. If anything, it'll reinforce your sexual value, confidence and aid your new personality. Don't be afraid to lose her - in fact you'd be better off if you did, but you need that fearlessness.

Let me emphasize the point that you HAVE to make this real for her. Once you change, it'll be worse if you try to go back, because then you're a fraud. If you don't make it real for her, the result will be her being more entrenched in owning the frame. She'll have even less respect for you than she does now because you tried and failed to be someone you didn't have the confidence to become.

 

[Romjuan]

rollo,
that was the best advice ive ever heard. everything u suggested is right on and i will start today with this new pesective. thnk u everyone for ur help.

 

[Romjuan]

jeez. she comes home today and once again little attitude and quiet. I try being quite too to see if she communicates but she doesnt. Everytime i think i know what my new frame should be, she throws me off with the attitude. any comments on how to be when we are around each other at home? do i remain quiet and not talk to her? do i be jokie and crack jokes? should i show some affection with a kiss? be a jerk and be moody back to her?

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

any comments on how to be when we are around each other at home? do i remain quiet and not talk to her? do i be jokie and crack jokes? should i show some affection with a kiss? be a jerk and be moody back to her?

Give her a two month ultimatum, only don't tell her. Solid, in your head. Think of her as only a roommate, and flirt with other girls wherever you go, with or without her. Try to be as happy as you can without depending on her conversation. Start reading books, or magazines when she's around. Spend time at night hanging out in bookstores or other places. If you don't have a problem with it, visit a rub 'n tug to take care of your needs. If she doesn't start "chasing" you, get rid of her. Life's too short to put up with moody gal who's stingy with the juice box.

In short, focus on your life, and see if she follows. If she doesn't, get rid of her.

When the time comes, as it likely will, just say "I don't think we're compatible any more. It's time for you to go."

 

[Warrior74]

Give her a two month ultimatum, only don't tell her. Solid, in your head. Think of her as only a roommate, and flirt with other girls wherever you go, with or without her. Try to be as happy as you can without depending on her conversation. Start reading books, or magazines when she's around. Spend time at night hanging out in bookstores or other places. If you don't have a problem with it, visit a rub 'n tug to take care of your needs. If she doesn't start "chasing" you, get rid of her. Life's too short to put up with moody gal who's stingy with the juice box.

In short, focus on your life, and see if she follows. If she doesn't, get rid of her.

When the time comes, as it likely will, just say "I don't think we're compatible any more. It's time for you to go."

why wait that long? 3 weeks tops. I personally dont think this guy has the skill to turn this around. And thats okay. As long as he knows he can survive this...she didnt hang the moon.

 

[jophil28]

Everytime i think i know what my new frame should be, she throws me off with the attitude. any comments on how to be when we are around each other at home? do i remain quiet and not talk to her? do i be jokie and crack jokes? should i show some affection with a kiss? be a jerk and be moody back to her?

So you hope that adopting some tips and 'tricks' to change her around will work? That would be like re-arranging the deckchairs on the Titanic hoping that the ship won't sink.

Rom, your 'frame' is not only damaged here, it is effectively sawdust.

She has had your nuts in a vise for a long time and she knows it. Begging. or pleading (or even asking) for sex from a reluctant woman is about the lowest point a man can sink to.

THis one is a bust, GET out and start over ( oh, and don't forget to take your nuts with you.)

 

[AMDG]

do i remain quiet and not talk to her?

At this point you can only save what little remains of your honor by leaving her. It's beyond obvious she does not care about you as a romantic partner, but as a roommate at best. My GF knows that I can and will walk away if she misbehaves, because I set limits early on in the relationship. In fact she is the one initiating sex most of the time because I groomed her to be like that - I am the one in control and I am prepared to walk away if the situation changes.

Are you addicted to her or something ? I changed dozens of girls until I found a suitable one - don't be afraid to start looking again.

I was amused when most girls tried to control the frame and went cold - I simply retreated even more and tried the next one. I was told many things - but I was always the one in control.

 

[bigjohnson]

You want to know why your girlfriend is repulsed at the thought of fvcking you? Because she is wondering how how and why her boyfriend suddenly turned into a woman. She's wondering why you tap dance like a bytch in response to her her mood swings.

You're just another pusssy whipped beta that both women and other men laugh at. You are in desperate need of a good swift kick in the asss to serve as a wake up call to manhood.

I made this mistake with my ex, basically I was indoctrinated by the media and even though my dad set a good example for some reason I didn't understand why he did the things he did. Looking back, I understand that he set a great example and I failed to follow.

Once the initiative is lost, it's hard to get back, and in my case it took many years before I understood the issue. When I took back the place that was rightfully mine, she was too far gone and couldn't adapt. Funny enough, she tries to stay in touch now, but I'm past it and well moved on.

It's unlikely someone who's just coming to grips with how things work could dig out of a rut like this; I could probably do it now, but then I wouldn't be in that rut now, so it's a sort of catch-22; people who can escape this situation will almost never be in it to start with, and if you're in the situation, you are not likely to be equipped to fix it.

Bottom line, get out with what dignity you have and develop an understanding of what went wrong so it never happens again.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

I think I should qualify the advice I gave you above. As with all the advice I offer on SS, I try to approach things from the most pragmatic angle possible. The first place anyone in the OP's situation should start is by assessing their own position in their "relationship" and the factors that contributed to it. By doing this you'll see the progression of how you were, how things changed and what the results of those changes are at present. It's vitally important to do this, because you will not learn nor grow from the experience and remain in an AFC mindset into the next LTR you just happen into - and thus you repeat the cycle again.

The second and most important step after assessing yourself and your predicament is comparing the cost versus rewards in trying to 'repair' your LTR. This is where most guys fail because all of their emotional investment, all of their personal fears (and especially the ones they refuse to acknowledge), all of their anxiety about rejection, all of their practical needs and responsibilities associated with that LTR, all of those come into play and cloud a real objective assessment of their position and what is truly worth their efforts.

My default advice in this regard is:

Iron Rule of Tomassi #7
It is always time and effort better spent developing new, fresh, prospective women than it will ever be in attempting to reconstruct a failed relationship. Never root through the trash once the garbage has been dragged to the curb. You get messy, your neighbors see you do it, and what you thought was worth digging for is never what you thought it was.

A lot of guys have a real tough time coming to terms with this rule. They think it's too harsh, or that they'd be throwing the baby out with the bath water. This is generally because to some degree they still harbor a soulmate myth / scarcity mentality that's backed up by a lot of emotional ego-investment in their LTR. So there's always going to be a lot of trepidation to start with, but often half a guy's problem is struggling to see his own situation objectively due to this investment.

The advice I gave above was based on the assumption that you'd already made the assessment and decided to shift the dynamic in your LTR. Only you can really make that cost vs. reward judgement, but when you do, make sure you are self-aware enough to know that all of the emotional & psychological entanglements I mentioned are influencing that assessment. More often than not it isn't worth your while, but it's your irrational emotions (combined with her own influence) that keep you vacillating.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear All,
So both parties have normalised their svxual needs he's four or five times a week she's twice a week which surveys suggest is adequate for our average Joe.....That's an intractable situation,Rom is between a rock and a hard place because he was impetuous enough to move in with her,any retraction on his Social availability,which is the only way he can spin plates will result in World War 111,so step one would seem to be to bale out of the living arrangement...Messy!!...This usually means that one or other party continues renting the apartment,the other moves out.....Sooner or later you will have to grasp the thistle Rom!!better start thinking.

 

[jonwon]

I constantly seem to be having discussions with my ltr. we have been together for 2 years and things are always hot cold with her. Sometimes shes lovey dovey and affectionate,however, most of the time she has attitude. We live together which could be the reason why are number of times we have sex has drastically decreased. We have been living together for 6 months and the last 3 months we are always having arguements/discussions about her sex drive. It gets annoying and desperate on my part and she gets frustrated about the constant bagering from me. I use to brag about it to my friends how my gf would want to do it all the time, even during "that time of the month" she would give me head. Now I get sex 2 week with the other 5 days me complaining why she constantly turns me down. When we do have sex its boring old married couple rushed sex. I try and make it exciting by moving her around to different positions or trying it in different rooms of the house to turn up the excitment but always she declines and says lets go to the bedroom. ALmost like its a chore and she does it just to shut me up. Everytime i have a serious discusion about how I want change from her and if she doesnt Ill walk away, she says "ill try". but doesnt.

I really dont know what to do. The attitude gets very old to me too. On an average day as she comes home from work I ask how her day was.. she has nothing to say about it except , "it was OK." well what happend, any stories?. "no nothing really." she has nothing to say ever, but then she gets on her cellphone and text messages alllllll day to her sis and her best friend about god knows what. I ask why do you have so much to say to them but nothing to say to me? The attitude is always there and really not called for. It could be me just playing with her in bed non sexually as we wake up and she throws the *****y attitude. I do not want to break up but I dont know what else to do? Is there any advice on how to handle her. Why did she change her personality? Has she already "broken up with me" in her head? Even though we never know if our gf is cheating, i am very confident she is not. Her mom has been cheated on by 2 husbands so she very much is hurt by it. Could use some advice guys..thanks in advance

It sounds like you two are hitting the rum drum boring phase or relationship life, the spice is fading and now it is nothing but routine.

Tou need to change this, be a little spontanious, turn up the A-Hole charm a little.

Go out with your mates one night, or at the weekends, seriously give her the gift of missing you, you have become predicatable and boring, you need to fire her engines again, make her ride her emotional roller coaster. Your hovering into safe zone, boring, predictable, hence toss out some shi*.

Take a weekend away, go on a break with a close friend hit up some beach without her, do it again the weekend after, take a bike ride or a car ride someplace, head out to the town.

Try to give her the gift of missing you, to make her think about you. Currently your predicable, slotting into a routine of comfortablilty, slotting into your comfort zone.

Or at least take up some hobbie, gym or fixing your car up. Get out of the house, spend time away from her. Go do your own thing.

These sorts of relationship fizzle out too, sometimes these girls meet a friend with a bit of a spark, it reminds her of the fun she used to have before predicability set in, there is a chance when this happens the girl may go clubbing, enjoy the break in the routine and before you know it she is seeing some stud who makes her feel that spark, some aloof a-hole, whilst knowing she has the predictable guy at home.

Dont be predictable, dont be boring, take her away, be spontanious, buy her a weekend away. Just do your own thing, let her do hers.

As for the sex drive dwindles when you live with a girl, yes it does, if it the life you have with her turns into nothing more then another drudgery to add to such things like work and getting out of bed on a morning, 9 to 5 routine e.t.c. Sex usually dwindles when you slot into the predicatable, boring routine of life. You have to ingest spice into it.

But seriously stop with the 'how was your day' routine cra*. Stop with the begging for sex. You need to flip this around if you can. I live with a girl she is always asking for sex, I tell her I'm not in the mood. Seriously that shi* is on tap. When I get in I toss her a big smile and throw out some funny shi* line, instead of being predictable, I also hope to hit the clubs with my mates at the weekend whilst she is sat at home. Get rid of the nice guy, predictable boring as*hat, turn up the A-Hole charm, throw in some ****y cra*. Stay away from the predictable guy, the boring guy. The guy you see on safe Family programmes. Even look at Homer Simpson, yes that's right, the guy is a clown but he makes no apologies, he does his own shi*. Do your own shi*, become independent, invite her for the ride.

Never beg or pleade for sex, EVER. NEVER, do not do it, EVER, EVER again.

Edit.

Not read the other replies, but its along the same lines.

But on all fairness, you need to strip that desperation and clingy shi*. Your seriously clingy and needy, its a passion killer.

 

[Romjuan]

thought i would give u guys an update. past 3 days ive been coming home at 11pm. shes usually in bed by then so we havnt talked much. soon as i get in bed she cuddles a bit then falls asleep. im sure she knows im u to something becuz of the change on my habit. last nite i was out drinkn with some buddies staying out til 1am. this morning we both got up same tikme to go to work and she seemed bit angry and frustrated. asked her if she wantd to go to the comedy improv toite and she quikcly relied "/no!". dont know if this is good but atleast shes seeing a different side and non needy.

 

[Tazman]

Don't reward her "angry and frustrated" behavior by asking her if she wants to go out. Let her stew in her own misery and go about your day. Any time she acts like this you pretend it doesn't bother you and ignore her.

It's time for her to come to YOU, stop walking on eggshells man.

 

[grayclif]

Good stuff RJ. Looks like she's curious. Keep it up.

 

[MatureDJ]

I say that you should take the "edger" attitude (i.e., as in the forum member.) Casually bring up the topic, "dear, would it be OK for me to hire a prostitute?"