attention seeking vs bad dads

[Albatross953]

I'm not sure if I'm starting to see a pattern here, but it seems like every woman I meet who had an alcoholic father is an attention seeker who reacts best when she's treated badly.

Have you guys noticed this too? Am I way late to the party on this? If a woman tells you this about her dad....does it change your game at all?

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

I have (had) exactly the same issue.

Have had 3 LTRs and two of them have had serious daddy issues, associated with alcoholism. To the point where they became quite boring people; yeah they would go out, but they wouldn't let their hair down. You could tell they wanted to drink, even get drunk, but hardly ever would because they felt they shouldn't or some other mental block; the usual caveat was 'I don't like to feel out of control' - massive red flag.

The problem being, they also didn't like when they couldn't control me either.

I am mindful to undertake a substantial vetting process (about her family history) over the course of the first few meets these days, albeit in a subtle manner.

Broken families (much like my own) seem fine. Alcoholic parenting, less so.

 

[Albatross953]

To explain a little more, I try to do the confident half of the azzhole. I don't lie, or get mad, or treat people badly. But I notice a low success rate with these women, whereas the guys I have seen succeed aren't "good men".

So what is it these women respond to? And by these women I do mean those affected by alcoholism.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

To explain a little more, I try to do the confident half of the azzhole. I don't lie, or get mad, or treat people badly. But I notice a low success rate with these women, whereas the guys I have seen succeed aren't "good men".

So what is it these women respond to? And by these women I do mean those affected by alcoholism.

So to clarify, in my experience, these types of personalities are not terribly different to most others, i.e. in their behaviours, trustworthiness etc.

Your general outlook should remain the same; that being, respect yourself, your life, your standards and boundaries (first and foremost), push and pull as necessary, application of all the same principles.

The way these types will likely differ:

-Neediness: they will likely have had somewhat limited due care and attention from the alcoholic parent and therefore be relying on you for guidance, care and attention that they didn't previously receive. This is also associated with lack of self-worth which they will also be looking to you to prop up too.

-Lack of trust (of you): for the same reason as the neediness, they will be looking to place extra trust in you because of the lack of trust they now have for their alcoholic parent. This may result in jealousy and or infidelity on her part.

In summary, there is no being 'extra nice' to these chicks. You should not be being the nice guy for any chick.

It is more a case of a closer attention to detail (if you can be bothered - which I personally can't anymore), and that attention will vary on a case-by-case basis. There is an article on the SoSuave main site which addresses this exact issue much more accurately than I can. Will see if I can track it an repost here.

Can you tell, I am quite well versed in this situation in particular!

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Albatross..... here's that article.

http://www.sosuave.com/halloffame/hall305.htm

It's about Sh!t Testing, but the last third regards so-called 'Abandonment Complex', which I re-paste here:


THE ABANDONMENT COMPLEX

Be extremely careful when dealing with a woman who grew up in a family where the father walked out at a tender age.

At an early age, the father, the dominant male figure in the house, is symbolic of his gender. Abandonment creates issues of guilt in the child, and does a number on the girl’s ability to trust men and her unconscious opinion of men on the whole.

If the mother shields the girl from the full impact of the blow by not being bitter and by being careful not to tarnish the father image, or if the girl simply gets over it, then so be it. However, if the mother became bitter, then that bitterness tends to pass on to the daughter.

The daughter, in turn, later goes on to test men rigorously, trying to make them jump through burning hoops before she lets down her guard, because at a young age, her trust in men was shaken.

However, she is not necessarily attracted to the men who put up with her bullsh!t and stick to her even though she blows hot one minute, and cold air he next. Women who have this problem have serious baggage, and you have to decide if she is worth it.

If you decide that she is, you have to walk a tightrope. Your behavior should subtly convey that you will not hurt her, but do not jump through her hoops. Never be more than 5 minutes late for a date, and if you say you will call at a certain time, call at exactly that time. But if she is late do not wait for her, and when she is acting coldly, do not tolerate her mood swings.

In other words, you have to still be a challenge, but be trustworthy. It is a delicate balance, and few can master it. Gentlemen, this is from personal experience with such women. When you are talking to a girl and she tells you that her father walked out when she was little, proceed with extreme caution.

 

[Albatross953]

Yeah, the latest one has cancelled twice but then countered and upgraded when I go ghost. I'd write her off but she won't go away...

 

[Albatross953]

Serious, serious baggage. Flirting hard and great Kino during active third date. Couldn't F close due to circumstances.Only a few texts over next week. Agreed on next date. Flaked two hours prior to forth date. BS excuse, interest turned on a dime.

Too bad, ten years younger w bangin body. But I'm a ghost in the wind. She's moved to my "has to show up naked" program.